Trying to understand myself, can anyone help? (sorry about the length) Watch
So here goes...
I feel trapped; this is because I need to be close to people to be happy (thanks evolution) but I don't feel like I can connect with them. I struggle to think clearly/fast enough when pressured in social situations. Only when I think back to conversations, not under stress or limited time, do I think of all the things I could have said, and often gain a greater understanding of what the other person meant, noticing things I did not at the time. I believe that I have serious social anxiety, but also more worryingly this could be Aspergers syndrome.
I have never been in a relationship, and only had sex twice when I was drunk with people I had hardly spoken to. Although I was "seeing" a girl about a year and a half ago, I never felt any real sense of connection with her (my social skills were much worse then), and was not attracted to her which did not help. It is quite lost on me how so many people seem to always have things going on in their love life, while mine consists of the aforementioned girl and one other girl I had a thing with for 2 days at a festival this year, other than that nothing. This complete lack of intimacy and companionship in my life I believe is the predominant cause of my depression; or perhaps more specifically how I feel powerless to do anything about it. I often despair with myself when thinking back to encounters with girls which could have gone very differently had I acted in a different way, but at the time the right words or actions never came to me, or I never noticed they were keen to spend time with me.
On a more positive note, I have greatly improved my social skills from what they once were, focusing on improving my eye contact, and looking for "question opportunities" in things people say to me. As a result my friend situation has massively improved, although I find it much easier to connect with other men than women, and to organize hanging out with them through mutual interests. I would say that my friend situation is now "satisfactory"; some of my close friends are actually very popular at my university. A year ago my social life wasn't much better than my love life, or lack of. I would like more female friends, as I said my friends are predominantly male.
Writing this now I realize that another step I should be taking is trying to reach out and organize activities with people I'd like to get to know better, although I am always scared of seeming too full on/desperate, especially with women, and again, in the heat of a social situation I never have the initiative.
I generally have this constantly increasing sense consciousness/awareness of the world around me, who I am, and what I want. It seems like I just stumbled through my life blindly and impulsively until I started to wake up maybe 2 years ago. I don't know if this is just an illusion of the present, or maybe what people mean when they talk about growing up.
So that's that, anyone know what the hell's wrong with me? Even if I don't get a reply I feel much less depressed now I've written this, and the insomnia has gone, night... Or morning to be more exact.