This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- What do I do if I don't like my Church?
- How do I deal with my horrid parents?
- PPE choice in UK unis
- GCSE English Lit Romeo and Juliet
- Should TikTok get banned?
- Average GCSEs from a high-achieving school: does that lower my chances?
- Parents calling me selfish for choosing my bf
- feeling odd about idea of changing surname after marriage
- AQA GCSE mandarin exam chat 2024
- Woman using shady tactics?
- can someone give feedback on my eng lit essay?
- Chinese studies as a Chinese?SOAS?
- A-Level English Language Study Group 2023-2024
- French vs Chinese at A level with no GCSEs?
- a level english literature as a fourth? (alongside bio, chem and psych)
- How does Stevenson present Hyde as a terrifying figure? Help plz GCSE
- Do Chinese girls like Filipino Guys?
- Marking any English Past Paper Question!
- A British student's life in a Chinese Medical School! AMA
- A-level English Language A/A* Advice!
Is it just my Chinese parents who act like this? (novel-like post)
Hi.. I'm really annoyed at the moment.
Let me explain my situation.
Over 2 years ago, I met my bf through a person I knew at school on MSN, and we started talking and things were going great, so we ended up meeting up somewhere near where we lived with my friend and a couple of his friends. It was a short meeting, but later we decided that we should meet again, etc. So we started seeing each other, and my parents didn't know about this because back then I knew that they would disapprove and probably stop me seeing him, so we just continued to go out. Then my parents found out that one of my stories didn't add up and got really pissed at me. When they found out I had been seeing a boy they flipped and to be honest, over reacted. I then told them everything, and said that we did nothing together that was even remotely wrong and my mum kept shouting stuff about being naive and I think she was thinking that we'd had sex.
Anyway, they suddenly took away my phone, the internet, the house keys, and I wasn't even allowed to take the ****ing bus home from school!
The worst thing is, all I could do was just accept it. I told them I was old enough to see people (I was 15/16) but they wouldn't have it.
They said "Live under my rules or I'll kick you out of the house!"
...
Anyway, during that time I was determined to see him, so I just bought a new phone and sim card and continued to talk to him, and emailed him at school.
A few months later, I got out of the car and my phone dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and my mum flipped (again).
So I was basically grounded for a year, and it sucked, but I still wanted my own life and they were just not letting me have a social life since I was restricted in so many areas.
I don't get why they don't want me to have a boyfriend. He was my first bf and we were seeing each other secretly for over 2 and a half years and still we e-mail each other from school etc.
After the year that had passed and I got my trust back from my parents, we started to see each other again since I moved to a new sixth form and I could take the bus home and we had weird finishing times, so we could pull it off. However, just yesterday my parents caught me lying and they're assuming that I'm meeting up with people from the internet or something.
I just feel really frustrated because i don't want to lie, but they're causing me to, because they won't talk or give specific reasons why I can't go out with him. They say vague stuff like "you'll get bad grades"... but I actually did OK in my GCSEs (6As including an A* and 6Bs) and I was seeing him (in secret) which probably would affect my grades more than if I didn't have such a thing on my conscious all the time.
They can't be this over-protective and expect it to be a good thing... If they had just let me see this person, none of all this suspiciousness would ever need to happen. I'd have come clean in the beginning if I knew that they would not get so angry and take away my freedom. But their suspicious attitude towards everything I do is just making me lie further (hence becoming a viscious cycle) I just don't know what to do anymore.
If they had said "right, we'll let you go out with this person under these conditions" etc. then things could have worked out. My bf even went to see them personally and ask their permission to see me
which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.
They are Christian, and the only thing I can think of that's related to this situation is that the whole sex before marriage thing, or possibly wanting me to preserve my virginity. I have been doing that anyway, and plenty of people don't have sex with every person they meet, so I don't see why I'm so different. I'm very modest and don't wear tight revealing clothes. It seems to me as if they see me as some sort of slut who just goes around sleeping with random people. Now where did they get that idea from? I'm their daughter, have a little more faith in me.
I feel quite sad that they see me as someone who can't control their behaviour and would sleep around. I have tried asking them and talking to them about this, but my dad's stubborn about this and my mum just shouts, so there is really no use in talking to them. I've tried it tons of times, and the furthest I have ever reached is "it will affect your grades".
I'm now 17 and they still have this attitude. It's ruining my relationship with my parents, but they just don't see that they can't be like this and they won't admit that they're wrong, as I'm not doing anything remotely wrong. They have no reason to be like this. I don't know if it's something to do with Chinese parents, but then again I've seen other Chinese parents letting their daughters date people with no problems whatsoever.
Sorry for this long post. To sum it up, should I carry on seeing him because I'm certain I'm not the one with the problem it's them... and I'll be finishing A2s this year and wil go to uni and so probably will be able to see him withuot my parents controlling my life (although they are going to help me with finances)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Thanks for any advice.
Let me explain my situation.
Over 2 years ago, I met my bf through a person I knew at school on MSN, and we started talking and things were going great, so we ended up meeting up somewhere near where we lived with my friend and a couple of his friends. It was a short meeting, but later we decided that we should meet again, etc. So we started seeing each other, and my parents didn't know about this because back then I knew that they would disapprove and probably stop me seeing him, so we just continued to go out. Then my parents found out that one of my stories didn't add up and got really pissed at me. When they found out I had been seeing a boy they flipped and to be honest, over reacted. I then told them everything, and said that we did nothing together that was even remotely wrong and my mum kept shouting stuff about being naive and I think she was thinking that we'd had sex.
Anyway, they suddenly took away my phone, the internet, the house keys, and I wasn't even allowed to take the ****ing bus home from school!
The worst thing is, all I could do was just accept it. I told them I was old enough to see people (I was 15/16) but they wouldn't have it.
They said "Live under my rules or I'll kick you out of the house!"
...
Anyway, during that time I was determined to see him, so I just bought a new phone and sim card and continued to talk to him, and emailed him at school.
A few months later, I got out of the car and my phone dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and my mum flipped (again).
So I was basically grounded for a year, and it sucked, but I still wanted my own life and they were just not letting me have a social life since I was restricted in so many areas.
I don't get why they don't want me to have a boyfriend. He was my first bf and we were seeing each other secretly for over 2 and a half years and still we e-mail each other from school etc.
After the year that had passed and I got my trust back from my parents, we started to see each other again since I moved to a new sixth form and I could take the bus home and we had weird finishing times, so we could pull it off. However, just yesterday my parents caught me lying and they're assuming that I'm meeting up with people from the internet or something.
I just feel really frustrated because i don't want to lie, but they're causing me to, because they won't talk or give specific reasons why I can't go out with him. They say vague stuff like "you'll get bad grades"... but I actually did OK in my GCSEs (6As including an A* and 6Bs) and I was seeing him (in secret) which probably would affect my grades more than if I didn't have such a thing on my conscious all the time.
They can't be this over-protective and expect it to be a good thing... If they had just let me see this person, none of all this suspiciousness would ever need to happen. I'd have come clean in the beginning if I knew that they would not get so angry and take away my freedom. But their suspicious attitude towards everything I do is just making me lie further (hence becoming a viscious cycle) I just don't know what to do anymore.
If they had said "right, we'll let you go out with this person under these conditions" etc. then things could have worked out. My bf even went to see them personally and ask their permission to see me
which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.They are Christian, and the only thing I can think of that's related to this situation is that the whole sex before marriage thing, or possibly wanting me to preserve my virginity. I have been doing that anyway, and plenty of people don't have sex with every person they meet, so I don't see why I'm so different. I'm very modest and don't wear tight revealing clothes. It seems to me as if they see me as some sort of slut who just goes around sleeping with random people. Now where did they get that idea from? I'm their daughter, have a little more faith in me.
I feel quite sad that they see me as someone who can't control their behaviour and would sleep around. I have tried asking them and talking to them about this, but my dad's stubborn about this and my mum just shouts, so there is really no use in talking to them. I've tried it tons of times, and the furthest I have ever reached is "it will affect your grades".
I'm now 17 and they still have this attitude. It's ruining my relationship with my parents, but they just don't see that they can't be like this and they won't admit that they're wrong, as I'm not doing anything remotely wrong. They have no reason to be like this. I don't know if it's something to do with Chinese parents, but then again I've seen other Chinese parents letting their daughters date people with no problems whatsoever.
Sorry for this long post. To sum it up, should I carry on seeing him because I'm certain I'm not the one with the problem it's them... and I'll be finishing A2s this year and wil go to uni and so probably will be able to see him withuot my parents controlling my life (although they are going to help me with finances)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Thanks for any advice.
Scroll to see replies
btw, since yesterday I've not been able to access the internet or phone or anything, so I'm posting this from my sixth form college, so i'll probably not be able to reply to this thread til tomorrow or next week.
I'm not really sure, your parents obviously have very strong beliefs. It is important to keep your parents happy but you need to be happy too. If you will be going to uni soon maybe things will work out with your bf better then, it's not as if you have done anything majorly wrong it would be a shame to throw away a strong relationship with your boyfriend. I hope things work out for you!!!
Lol sounds exactly like my parents too and we're chinese.
My parents told me that im not allowed a bf until im 24!!! coz thats when i would finish uni and stuff. the reason being that they don't want me being distracted and get bad grades (just as your parents expressed). when i went out with my first bf secretly, my mam found out through some other chinese spies in the city (the chinese family there really like to be nosy just to spread gossip and scam about other families) and my mam flipped out and forced me to break up with him coz 'I'll get bad grades' plus he wasn't 'the scientific type and won't earn enough money when hes finish his course'. He did art and i was 18 at the time! 18 and i still had to obey my parents!! But they didn't go as far zs taking away your communication with your bf! Thats just wrong!
But you were ratehr young at the time so i do see why they did that...they're just overprotective of you.
I'm at uni now and with a great bf who is 'the scientific type' lol! and they're not as copntrolling as they used to be and they do accept him...they literally adore him!
Don't break up with your bf...just hang in there until you move to uni. Then you'll have all the freedom you want! (although initially my mam made me ring her everyday or she threatened to disown me! but that soon dissolved
)
Good Luck!
My parents told me that im not allowed a bf until im 24!!! coz thats when i would finish uni and stuff. the reason being that they don't want me being distracted and get bad grades (just as your parents expressed). when i went out with my first bf secretly, my mam found out through some other chinese spies in the city (the chinese family there really like to be nosy just to spread gossip and scam about other families) and my mam flipped out and forced me to break up with him coz 'I'll get bad grades' plus he wasn't 'the scientific type and won't earn enough money when hes finish his course'. He did art and i was 18 at the time! 18 and i still had to obey my parents!! But they didn't go as far zs taking away your communication with your bf! Thats just wrong!
But you were ratehr young at the time so i do see why they did that...they're just overprotective of you.
I'm at uni now and with a great bf who is 'the scientific type' lol! and they're not as copntrolling as they used to be and they do accept him...they literally adore him!
Don't break up with your bf...just hang in there until you move to uni. Then you'll have all the freedom you want! (although initially my mam made me ring her everyday or she threatened to disown me! but that soon dissolved
)Good Luck!
from what ive seen that is a typical chinese thing. my best friend had the same issues until she went to uni last year. now shes very happy with her bf to the point where i havnt seen her alone in months.
On the contrary, my parents (also Chinese) are more liberal with regards to dating, and many of my friends also have liberal Chinese parents, so I think the image of over-protective Chinese parents is stereotypical. Probably depends on the society in question, I guess. My parents aren't too strict about dating, (not that I've dated lots of boys) but we have a more open relationship, so I talk to my mother about my boyfriend (well, obviously not everything ). Since the beginning of our relationship I've told my parents about him and we've been together for 2 years and 2 months now. There was some slight difficulty in the beginning, at the getting-to-know-you stage, but now it's all smooth sailing.
Trust is really important. Seeing him without their permission caused them to lose their trust in you. It's difficult because they're over-protective, but they probably can't shake off the fear that you won't be able to handle a relationship or that you'll get hurt, so the most important thing is to show them that you can take care of yourself. If they're so worried about your grades, show them that you can have a boyfriend and ace your exams. I really hope it works out for you in uni.
). Since the beginning of our relationship I've told my parents about him and we've been together for 2 years and 2 months now. There was some slight difficulty in the beginning, at the getting-to-know-you stage, but now it's all smooth sailing. Trust is really important. Seeing him without their permission caused them to lose their trust in you. It's difficult because they're over-protective, but they probably can't shake off the fear that you won't be able to handle a relationship or that you'll get hurt, so the most important thing is to show them that you can take care of yourself. If they're so worried about your grades, show them that you can have a boyfriend and ace your exams. I really hope it works out for you in uni.
Anonymous
So we started seeing each other, and my parents didn't know about this because back then I knew that they would disapprove and probably stop me seeing him, so we just continued to go out. Then my parents found out that one of my stories didn't add up and got really pissed at me. When they found out I had been seeing a boy they flipped and to be honest, over reacted. I then told them everything, and said that we did nothing together that was even remotely wrong and my mum kept shouting stuff about being naive and I think she was thinking that we'd had sex.
I'm Chinese too, dear, and I have to deal with my parents like that too. However, in my case, my mom knew I liked this guy I met over Friendster and eventually chatted a lot on MSN. He was in my room a lot when he came over, but mom just kept pressing that the rule is NO BOYS IN YOUR ROOM. Yes, like in your case as well, we weren't doing anything even remotely wrong. No sex for me. But oh no, mom blew up and hit the roof. She's usually reasonable and quite liberal, so I just gave in and kept my room door wide open. We still managed to have some makeout sessions, but our ears were always perked.
Anonymous
Anyway, they suddenly took away my phone, the internet, the house keys, and I wasn't even allowed to take the ****ing bus home from school!The worst thing is, all I could do was just accept it.
That's a little overboard. The worst that's happened to me was my phone was confiscated.
Anonymous
I told them I was old enough to see people (I was 15/16) but they wouldn't have it. They said "Live under my rules or I'll kick you out of the house!"
MY dear, our parents will NEVER have that reason. I turned 18 and my mom still sits on me and orders me around and stuff. The 'kick you out' wasn't in my case, but I got a variation: As long as you're under my roof, you live under my rules!
Anonymous
Anyway, during that time I was determined to see him, so I just bought a new phone and sim card and continued to talk to him, and emailed him at school.
BIG mistake. well, not really. But VERY BIG when you get caught, like my brother's girl friend. Her father walked into her room and saw a phone sitting on her bed, when her own had been confiscated. IF you do this, please be VERY careful...but you got caught anyway. *sigh*
Anonymous
A few months later, I got out of the car and my phone dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and my mum flipped (again).
Can't say I blame your mom for this one. It was your mistake.
Anonymous
So I was basically grounded for a year, and it sucked, but I still wanted my own life and they were just not letting me have a social life since I was restricted in so many areas.
Girl, the more you rebel, the more your parents will sit on you. Do NOT try to override your parents. You will be making your own life hell. I learned my lesson.
Anonymous
I don't get why they don't want me to have a boyfriend. He was my first bf and we were seeing each other secretly for over 2 and a half years and still we e-mail each other from school etc.
My parents didn't want me to go out with my now ex boyfriend, but I did anyway and eventually my mom relented. They both stressed on me for many years that NO BOYFRIEND TILL YOU'RE WORKING (yes harsh). You don't get why they don't want you to have a boyfriend? It's in your best interest, girl, they want you do well and to be honest, they're right about the connection between boyfriends and grades. If anything should happen between you and the wonderful boy you've met, your grades slip like mad unless you are a very level-headed mature person...but even such people are vulnerable to breakups and grade slips. Trust me, boyfriends are not worth slipping your grades for.
Anonymous
After the year that had passed and I got my trust back from my parents, we started to see each other again since I moved to a new sixth form and I could take the bus home and we had weird finishing times, so we could pull it off. However, just yesterday my parents caught me lying and they're assuming that I'm meeting up with people from the internet or something.
Never lie to your parents, or at least don't make too many lies. They will always see through it. My mom has caught me on my least obvious lies, okay? Moms are more likely to have this seventh sense.
Anonymous
I just feel really frustrated because i don't want to lie, but they're causing me to, because they won't talk or give specific reasons why I can't go out with him. They say vague stuff like "you'll get bad grades"... but I actually did OK in my GCSEs (6As including an A* and 6Bs) and I was seeing him (in secret) which probably would affect my grades more than if I didn't have such a thing on my conscious all the time.
Very true. I didn't like lying to my father about seeing my now ex boyfriend. But I just didn't tell him. And (especially our dear Chinese) parents will ALWAYS ALWAYS mention grades. It's especially hard on me because my father's family has a reputation for flawless grades - straight As. The seeing your boyfriend is secret thing is true too, but please please remember that IF (touch wood) you should break up, it will also affect your grades very much.
Anonymous
They can't be this over-protective and expect it to be a good thing... If they had just let me see this person, none of all this suspiciousness would ever need to happen. I'd have come clean in the beginning if I knew that they would not get so angry and take away my freedom. But their suspicious attitude towards everything I do is just making me lie further (hence becoming a vicious cycle) I just don't know what to do anymore.
First of all, they're called PARENTS for a reason. It's their JOB to be overprotective. Good grief, my parents are too, that's why I got yelled about NO BOYFRIENDS a lot. Dear, to dispel that suspicious nature, keep things down with your boyfriend and don't lie. DON'T LIE. The more you lie, the more suspicious they are. Yes, it'll be hard, but tell your boyfriend that you two should lie VERY low for now and keep it down. No matter what it takes, girl, you're gonna have to please your parents before you do anything. I speak from experience, I've been in a similar but less strict situation. Without your parents' trust, you cannot, repeat CANNOT do anything. Of course, there's always the transfer overseas. Teehee.
Anonymous
If they had said "right, we'll let you go out with this person under these conditions" etc. then things could have worked out. My bf even went to see them personally and ask their permission to see me which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.
which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.LOL don't let this one go, girl! My ex did that too, he personally called my mom to ask her if he could date me, even after I asked him out!
Anonymous
They are Christian, and the only thing I can think of that's related to this situation is that the whole sex before marriage thing, or possibly wanting me to preserve my virginity. I have been doing that anyway, and plenty of people don't have sex with every person they meet, so I don't see why I'm so different. I'm very modest and don't wear tight revealing clothes. It seems to me as if they see me as some sort of slut who just goes around sleeping with random people. Now where did they get that idea from?
Ah yes, the taboo topic. Like I said, earn their trust. My mother is a Christian, not a strong one, but she was brought up to save herself for marriage and she's given me that teaching. Ooh boy, she's SO adamant about it. "No sleeping with Ronald, GOT IT?" "Yes mom." "GOOT!". hahaha. Don't worry, I go through that too. But the trick is EARN THEIR TRUST (goodness, I wonder how many times I've said that
). Once you've got it, treasure it. It takes forever to earn, and seconds to destroy.Anonymous
I'm their daughter, have a little more faith in me.
Not without trust. Not with you obviously lying to them all the time.
Anonymous
I feel quite sad that they see me as someone who can't control their behaviour and would sleep around. I have tried asking them and talking to them about this, but my dad's stubborn about this and my mum just shouts, so there is really no use in talking to them. I've tried it tons of times, and the furthest I have ever reached is "it will affect your grades".
Besides the sitting down and earning their trust, in this instance, you TELL them to discuss this like mature adults with you because you are ALL mature adults. Yelling doesn't get anywhere. TELL THEM: "Mom, dad, I'm grown up, I'm 17, and I am capable of coherent speech and mature discussion. Let's have that, okay, instead of yelling at me all the time?
Anonymous
I'm now 17 and they still have this attitude. It's ruining my relationship with my parents, but they just don't see that they can't be like this and they won't admit that they're wrong, as I'm not doing anything remotely wrong. They have no reason to be like this. I don't know if it's something to do with Chinese parents, but then again I've seen other Chinese parents letting their daughters date people with no problems whatsoever.
Are you sure it's the parents letting the daughter date with no problems? Or do you just see the daughter having a lot of freedom? Sometimes, that freedom comes at a cost: the loss of your parental relationship. Please, for goodness sake, boyfriends come and go, but parents will always be behind you until they leave this world for a better place. Don't be an unfilial child (not saying that you are) just to get that freedom. Your parents have done a lot for you in your 17 years, and they won't be around forever. Make them happy.
Anonymous
To sum it up, should I carry on seeing him because I'm certain I'm not the one with the problem it's them... and I'll be finishing A2s this year and wil go to uni and so probably will be able to see him withuot my parents controlling my life (although they are going to help me with finances)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Carry on with it, but keep it low. Very low. Going off to uni doesn't mean complete freedom okay? Just no parental supervision. Don't do stupid things with him. If I were you, I wouldn't sleep with the boyfriend. But I'm not you, oh well.
You don't have to take my advice, but please at least read it and think about it.
They're being absolutely stupidly unreasonable. They should trust you to be sensible. I'd argue my point some more and if that didn't work, do what I wanted to anyway (within reason - don't do anything stupid!).
it's not a given thing that your parents think you're sensible. the fact that you refuse to listen to them, you're being unsensible.
Now then, i was in a very similar situation.
about four years ago, i met a boy on holiday that was from russia. because i didnt really go out a lot, i concealed us going out from my parents, and when they found out, they forbade me from seeing him, in much the same way as yours have, but instead of it being because of my "grades" it was because he was a year older and had been a hacker when he was younger. this drove them to the conclusion that he was involved in the russian mafia.
despite me trying to keep in contact with him, my parents always found out about us, and it ended up that me and my parents no longer see eye to eye with anything. they have no trust for me, and i have no respect for them- the condition that i told them everything was that they "weren't judgemental".
unlike your parents, mine arent christian and although they were worried about me having sex with someone they'd never met, their first concern was that i'd lied to them.
your parents, although it definately doesnt seem it, do have your best interest at heart. they dont want you to dote on just him and nothing else, plus, they're probably afraid of losing their little girl.
hope this helped
about four years ago, i met a boy on holiday that was from russia. because i didnt really go out a lot, i concealed us going out from my parents, and when they found out, they forbade me from seeing him, in much the same way as yours have, but instead of it being because of my "grades" it was because he was a year older and had been a hacker when he was younger. this drove them to the conclusion that he was involved in the russian mafia.
despite me trying to keep in contact with him, my parents always found out about us, and it ended up that me and my parents no longer see eye to eye with anything. they have no trust for me, and i have no respect for them- the condition that i told them everything was that they "weren't judgemental".
unlike your parents, mine arent christian and although they were worried about me having sex with someone they'd never met, their first concern was that i'd lied to them.
your parents, although it definately doesnt seem it, do have your best interest at heart. they dont want you to dote on just him and nothing else, plus, they're probably afraid of losing their little girl.
hope this helped
Oh wow and i thought i was the only one with those kind of problems! I am chinese and am 16 years old. At the start of this school year i met my first boyfriend at a party, and we started meeting up secretly (with me telling my parents that i was hanging out with friends). I never really thought they would find out because i have never done anything like this before and even though they felt i was acting alittle unusual but i dont think they really suspected it was boys-related - especially the fact that i go to a girls school and it is hard for me to meet guys.
HOWEVER my downfaill was my diary. I recorded practically everything in there and tried to conceal it all over my room. Then somehow during Christmas my mom found it and THEY READ MY DIARY!!! They read it and found out about the boy.
Initially they didnt say anything and i wasnt really aware anything was wrong until one day when i asked them if i could go out to the cinema(i'd arrange a date with him) and they suddenly became quiet and looked each other and said no. I was shocked because normally they always let me out whenever i wanted. But i did notice some tensions and felt it was extremely odd. I carried on with my requests for the next couple of days. Firstly because i hadnt seen him for ages since he was on holiday and secondly i was testing their reactions and the more i asked and they refused the more it confirmed my suspicions. I argued with them about this matter but we never actually said anything about the guy. They simply said that i go out too much and that i have been hanging out with friends that were bad influences.
Then one day when i was on msn chatting to some friends, my father came in and he was really angry that i was on msn and started telling me off. I got annoyed and finally the tension and confusions over the last few days made me broke down and i threw cautions into the wind and just demanded them to tell me exactly what is wrong. After a few hestitations my father finally asked me if i have been dating a guy. At first i tried to lie but it became clear he knew quite alot. So what followed was a huge lecture which i wont go into detail but the result was me being banned from seeing him and grounded for 2-3 months and me bawling my eyes out (not just from the ban but the embarassment of it all!)
However after i got over the initial shock i started seeing him again in private even after promising i wouldnt (initally i wouldnt promise anything because i knew i would not be able to keep it but i gave in at last). And then i just tried to tone down my behaviour and was acting if you will in front of them alot.
I felt guilty throughout this time, but everytime i thought of the extremity they went because of this thing i would get angry again. I mean my father even told me to RIP OFF PAGES OF MY DIARY whereever i have mentioned him so i could forget about him was just way too harsh in my mind. Its one thing to ban me from seeing him but actually try to erase my memory of him?? I would get so angry when i think that! Another thing is that they never actually said they have read my diary, they just said i was acting strange and i have been calling new numbers, but i know they have read my diary though they dont know that i know, and they dont know that i still havent totally forgiven them for invading my privacy like that.
The reason they gave me was the same: it would affect my grades, even though it is totally not true as proved by my mock grades!! (2A*s, 6As and 2Bs). So basically i am not allowed dating till i am in university, where I would "meet people more on the same educated level".
They also said something which i found perculiar, it was that generally chinese people who were born in china and lived there for some time tend to end up marrying chineses guys and chinese guys would not like it they knew the girl has been out with non-chinese people. Has anyone's parents have said anything like to you? I found this comment really odd though i guess i know why my parents would think that. I have asked a male friend who lives in china and he told me he doesnt think so. What do you think?
P.S I am really sorry about the long thread but i feel quite strongly about this since this incident has meant alot of changes in my life in the way i see my parents and opening up to them and the way i deal with boyfriends in the future. I do not trust them anymore and keep alot of happenings in my life and it has made me alot more sly in that i have to pretend about how i feel about alot things now.
P.P.S. They knew me and this boy would not have lasted long anyway because we're moving houses to another city at the end of the summer so me and him were short-lived ANYWAY but still they still banned me from seeing him.
HOWEVER my downfaill was my diary. I recorded practically everything in there and tried to conceal it all over my room. Then somehow during Christmas my mom found it and THEY READ MY DIARY!!! They read it and found out about the boy.
Initially they didnt say anything and i wasnt really aware anything was wrong until one day when i asked them if i could go out to the cinema(i'd arrange a date with him) and they suddenly became quiet and looked each other and said no. I was shocked because normally they always let me out whenever i wanted. But i did notice some tensions and felt it was extremely odd. I carried on with my requests for the next couple of days. Firstly because i hadnt seen him for ages since he was on holiday and secondly i was testing their reactions and the more i asked and they refused the more it confirmed my suspicions. I argued with them about this matter but we never actually said anything about the guy. They simply said that i go out too much and that i have been hanging out with friends that were bad influences.
Then one day when i was on msn chatting to some friends, my father came in and he was really angry that i was on msn and started telling me off. I got annoyed and finally the tension and confusions over the last few days made me broke down and i threw cautions into the wind and just demanded them to tell me exactly what is wrong. After a few hestitations my father finally asked me if i have been dating a guy. At first i tried to lie but it became clear he knew quite alot. So what followed was a huge lecture which i wont go into detail but the result was me being banned from seeing him and grounded for 2-3 months and me bawling my eyes out (not just from the ban but the embarassment of it all!)
However after i got over the initial shock i started seeing him again in private even after promising i wouldnt (initally i wouldnt promise anything because i knew i would not be able to keep it but i gave in at last). And then i just tried to tone down my behaviour and was acting if you will in front of them alot.
I felt guilty throughout this time, but everytime i thought of the extremity they went because of this thing i would get angry again. I mean my father even told me to RIP OFF PAGES OF MY DIARY whereever i have mentioned him so i could forget about him was just way too harsh in my mind. Its one thing to ban me from seeing him but actually try to erase my memory of him?? I would get so angry when i think that! Another thing is that they never actually said they have read my diary, they just said i was acting strange and i have been calling new numbers, but i know they have read my diary though they dont know that i know, and they dont know that i still havent totally forgiven them for invading my privacy like that.
The reason they gave me was the same: it would affect my grades, even though it is totally not true as proved by my mock grades!! (2A*s, 6As and 2Bs). So basically i am not allowed dating till i am in university, where I would "meet people more on the same educated level".
They also said something which i found perculiar, it was that generally chinese people who were born in china and lived there for some time tend to end up marrying chineses guys and chinese guys would not like it they knew the girl has been out with non-chinese people. Has anyone's parents have said anything like to you? I found this comment really odd though i guess i know why my parents would think that. I have asked a male friend who lives in china and he told me he doesnt think so. What do you think?
P.S I am really sorry about the long thread but i feel quite strongly about this since this incident has meant alot of changes in my life in the way i see my parents and opening up to them and the way i deal with boyfriends in the future. I do not trust them anymore and keep alot of happenings in my life and it has made me alot more sly in that i have to pretend about how i feel about alot things now.
P.P.S. They knew me and this boy would not have lasted long anyway because we're moving houses to another city at the end of the summer so me and him were short-lived ANYWAY but still they still banned me from seeing him.
lol we Chinese girls have to stick together cos we are either going through OR have been through these things.
Original post by τ
I'm shocked. Horrified, even. Your parents read your diary??
I'm speechless. Sorry.
I need something to eat.
I'm speechless. Sorry.
I need something to eat.
Yeah, they did. I had to stop keeping a diary for a few months, but i have started again recently, but they dont know yet so at least they wont be actively trying to find it!
Totally agree with you Strawberry!
I would recommend that you see a counsellor over this issue, because I think that the relationship with your parents is at risk.
I had a dad who seemed to care only about what grades I got, and how successful in life I was. What he should have cared about was how happy I was. My relationship with him is very tense, and I just cannot talk to him.
I had a dad who seemed to care only about what grades I got, and how successful in life I was. What he should have cared about was how happy I was. My relationship with him is very tense, and I just cannot talk to him.
Ting-Ting
Although do any of you have brothers? my parents are always suggesting he should get a gf....hes only bloody 16!!!! but she has to be chinese...stupid parents
Although do any of you have brothers? my parents are always suggesting he should get a gf....hes only bloody 16!!!! but she has to be chinese...stupid parents
I have a 16 year old brother too, but my parents are in the mindset of "Let him take his time. No hurry. Why rush into a r'ship and then marriage?". So he has it easier than your brother. Also, he doesn't have the race restriction to Chinese, though he does tend to prefer girls who haven't slept with anyone before.
and I hope the OP didn't mind my long reply.
Anonymous
Hi.. I'm really annoyed at the moment.
Let me explain my situation.
Over 2 years ago, I met my bf through a person I knew at school on MSN, and we started talking and things were going great, so we ended up meeting up somewhere near where we lived with my friend and a couple of his friends. It was a short meeting, but later we decided that we should meet again, etc. So we started seeing each other, and my parents didn't know about this because back then I knew that they would disapprove and probably stop me seeing him, so we just continued to go out. Then my parents found out that one of my stories didn't add up and got really pissed at me. When they found out I had been seeing a boy they flipped and to be honest, over reacted. I then told them everything, and said that we did nothing together that was even remotely wrong and my mum kept shouting stuff about being naive and I think she was thinking that we'd had sex.
Anyway, they suddenly took away my phone, the internet, the house keys, and I wasn't even allowed to take the ****ing bus home from school!
The worst thing is, all I could do was just accept it. I told them I was old enough to see people (I was 15/16) but they wouldn't have it.
They said "Live under my rules or I'll kick you out of the house!"
...
Anyway, during that time I was determined to see him, so I just bought a new phone and sim card and continued to talk to him, and emailed him at school.
A few months later, I got out of the car and my phone dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and my mum flipped (again).
So I was basically grounded for a year, and it sucked, but I still wanted my own life and they were just not letting me have a social life since I was restricted in so many areas.
I don't get why they don't want me to have a boyfriend. He was my first bf and we were seeing each other secretly for over 2 and a half years and still we e-mail each other from school etc.
After the year that had passed and I got my trust back from my parents, we started to see each other again since I moved to a new sixth form and I could take the bus home and we had weird finishing times, so we could pull it off. However, just yesterday my parents caught me lying and they're assuming that I'm meeting up with people from the internet or something.
I just feel really frustrated because i don't want to lie, but they're causing me to, because they won't talk or give specific reasons why I can't go out with him. They say vague stuff like "you'll get bad grades"... but I actually did OK in my GCSEs (6As including an A* and 6Bs) and I was seeing him (in secret) which probably would affect my grades more than if I didn't have such a thing on my conscious all the time.
They can't be this over-protective and expect it to be a good thing... If they had just let me see this person, none of all this suspiciousness would ever need to happen. I'd have come clean in the beginning if I knew that they would not get so angry and take away my freedom. But their suspicious attitude towards everything I do is just making me lie further (hence becoming a viscious cycle) I just don't know what to do anymore.
If they had said "right, we'll let you go out with this person under these conditions" etc. then things could have worked out. My bf even went to see them personally and ask their permission to see me which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.
They are Christian, and the only thing I can think of that's related to this situation is that the whole sex before marriage thing, or possibly wanting me to preserve my virginity. I have been doing that anyway, and plenty of people don't have sex with every person they meet, so I don't see why I'm so different. I'm very modest and don't wear tight revealing clothes. It seems to me as if they see me as some sort of slut who just goes around sleeping with random people. Now where did they get that idea from? I'm their daughter, have a little more faith in me.
I feel quite sad that they see me as someone who can't control their behaviour and would sleep around. I have tried asking them and talking to them about this, but my dad's stubborn about this and my mum just shouts, so there is really no use in talking to them. I've tried it tons of times, and the furthest I have ever reached is "it will affect your grades".
I'm now 17 and they still have this attitude. It's ruining my relationship with my parents, but they just don't see that they can't be like this and they won't admit that they're wrong, as I'm not doing anything remotely wrong. They have no reason to be like this. I don't know if it's something to do with Chinese parents, but then again I've seen other Chinese parents letting their daughters date people with no problems whatsoever.
Sorry for this long post. To sum it up, should I carry on seeing him because I'm certain I'm not the one with the problem it's them... and I'll be finishing A2s this year and wil go to uni and so probably will be able to see him withuot my parents controlling my life (although they are going to help me with finances)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Thanks for any advice.
Let me explain my situation.
Over 2 years ago, I met my bf through a person I knew at school on MSN, and we started talking and things were going great, so we ended up meeting up somewhere near where we lived with my friend and a couple of his friends. It was a short meeting, but later we decided that we should meet again, etc. So we started seeing each other, and my parents didn't know about this because back then I knew that they would disapprove and probably stop me seeing him, so we just continued to go out. Then my parents found out that one of my stories didn't add up and got really pissed at me. When they found out I had been seeing a boy they flipped and to be honest, over reacted. I then told them everything, and said that we did nothing together that was even remotely wrong and my mum kept shouting stuff about being naive and I think she was thinking that we'd had sex.
Anyway, they suddenly took away my phone, the internet, the house keys, and I wasn't even allowed to take the ****ing bus home from school!
The worst thing is, all I could do was just accept it. I told them I was old enough to see people (I was 15/16) but they wouldn't have it.
They said "Live under my rules or I'll kick you out of the house!"
...
Anyway, during that time I was determined to see him, so I just bought a new phone and sim card and continued to talk to him, and emailed him at school.
A few months later, I got out of the car and my phone dropped out of my pocket onto the floor and my mum flipped (again).
So I was basically grounded for a year, and it sucked, but I still wanted my own life and they were just not letting me have a social life since I was restricted in so many areas.
I don't get why they don't want me to have a boyfriend. He was my first bf and we were seeing each other secretly for over 2 and a half years and still we e-mail each other from school etc.
After the year that had passed and I got my trust back from my parents, we started to see each other again since I moved to a new sixth form and I could take the bus home and we had weird finishing times, so we could pull it off. However, just yesterday my parents caught me lying and they're assuming that I'm meeting up with people from the internet or something.
I just feel really frustrated because i don't want to lie, but they're causing me to, because they won't talk or give specific reasons why I can't go out with him. They say vague stuff like "you'll get bad grades"... but I actually did OK in my GCSEs (6As including an A* and 6Bs) and I was seeing him (in secret) which probably would affect my grades more than if I didn't have such a thing on my conscious all the time.
They can't be this over-protective and expect it to be a good thing... If they had just let me see this person, none of all this suspiciousness would ever need to happen. I'd have come clean in the beginning if I knew that they would not get so angry and take away my freedom. But their suspicious attitude towards everything I do is just making me lie further (hence becoming a viscious cycle) I just don't know what to do anymore.
If they had said "right, we'll let you go out with this person under these conditions" etc. then things could have worked out. My bf even went to see them personally and ask their permission to see me
which I thought was very brave, but they were being idiots still.They are Christian, and the only thing I can think of that's related to this situation is that the whole sex before marriage thing, or possibly wanting me to preserve my virginity. I have been doing that anyway, and plenty of people don't have sex with every person they meet, so I don't see why I'm so different. I'm very modest and don't wear tight revealing clothes. It seems to me as if they see me as some sort of slut who just goes around sleeping with random people. Now where did they get that idea from? I'm their daughter, have a little more faith in me.
I feel quite sad that they see me as someone who can't control their behaviour and would sleep around. I have tried asking them and talking to them about this, but my dad's stubborn about this and my mum just shouts, so there is really no use in talking to them. I've tried it tons of times, and the furthest I have ever reached is "it will affect your grades".
I'm now 17 and they still have this attitude. It's ruining my relationship with my parents, but they just don't see that they can't be like this and they won't admit that they're wrong, as I'm not doing anything remotely wrong. They have no reason to be like this. I don't know if it's something to do with Chinese parents, but then again I've seen other Chinese parents letting their daughters date people with no problems whatsoever.
Sorry for this long post. To sum it up, should I carry on seeing him because I'm certain I'm not the one with the problem it's them... and I'll be finishing A2s this year and wil go to uni and so probably will be able to see him withuot my parents controlling my life (although they are going to help me with finances)
Or should I destroy a nearly 3 year relationship with this perfect person? (we're both virgin and are each others' first b/gf)
Thanks for any advice.
No idea.
hmm well, im bengali and for me a gf is a no-no
if they did found out that i ahd gone out with a gal b4 or in the future (single atm) they would kill me- probably disown me from the family
i think it smore of an asian thing, alhtough it does exist in other culutres. again religion, grades and everything else is my parents concern.
if they did found out that i ahd gone out with a gal b4 or in the future (single atm) they would kill me- probably disown me from the family
i think it smore of an asian thing, alhtough it does exist in other culutres. again religion, grades and everything else is my parents concern.
strawberry
I have a 16 year old brother too, but my parents are in the mindset of "Let him take his time. No hurry. Why rush into a r'ship and then marriage?". So he has it easier than your brother. Also, he doesn't have the race restriction to Chinese, though he does tend to prefer girls who haven't slept with anyone before.
and I hope the OP didn't mind my long reply.
and I hope the OP didn't mind my long reply.
Ah thats kinda cool. Nah my parents aren't pushing him towards a relationship but its the fact that they don't mind him having a gf at 16 whereas i got punished when i had a bf at 18! The reason they wanted their 'daughter-in-law' to be chinese is coz he's the only boy in our family and he needs to carry on our family name with pure chinese herity. (plus they keep saying that if they died, my bro wouldn't know how to feed their graves with incense so needs a chinese in-law family to carry on chinese traditions etc etc)
Related discussions
- What do I do if I don't like my Church?
- How do I deal with my horrid parents?
- PPE choice in UK unis
- GCSE English Lit Romeo and Juliet
- Should TikTok get banned?
- Average GCSEs from a high-achieving school: does that lower my chances?
- Parents calling me selfish for choosing my bf
- feeling odd about idea of changing surname after marriage
- AQA GCSE mandarin exam chat 2024
- Woman using shady tactics?
- can someone give feedback on my eng lit essay?
- Chinese studies as a Chinese?SOAS?
- A-Level English Language Study Group 2023-2024
- French vs Chinese at A level with no GCSEs?
- a level english literature as a fourth? (alongside bio, chem and psych)
- How does Stevenson present Hyde as a terrifying figure? Help plz GCSE
- Do Chinese girls like Filipino Guys?
- Marking any English Past Paper Question!
- A British student's life in a Chinese Medical School! AMA
- A-level English Language A/A* Advice!
Latest
Trending
Last reply 3 weeks ago
How can I apply for university and get my letters without my parents finding outLast reply 1 month ago
Dealing with and keeping lies to my aggressive parentsLast reply 1 month ago
(Serious) How do I get rid of weird feelings with my boobs and femininity?Last reply 1 month ago
For those of you who have younger cousins or nieces and nephews why do you do this?Fitness
6
8
Last reply 1 month ago
People who claim to wash in 5mins aren’t showering properlyLast reply 1 month ago
2024 has been a horrible year for me overall and I just wanted your thoughtsLast reply 2 months ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.
