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Is it just my Chinese parents who act like this? (novel-like post) watch

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    (Original post by Ting-Ting)
    Ah thats kinda cool. Nah my parents aren't pushing him towards a relationship but its the fact that they don't mind him having a gf at 16 whereas i got punished when i had a bf at 18! The reason they wanted their 'daughter-in-law' to be chinese is coz he's the only boy in our family and he needs to carry on our family name with pure chinese herity. (plus they keep saying that if they died, my bro wouldn't know how to feed their graves with incense so needs a chinese in-law family to carry on chinese traditions etc etc)
    lol I think you're my twin or something. I got yelled at for having my bf at 17...though my brother hasn't had a real gf before. my bro's the only boy in my immediate family, but not in the extended.
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    (Original post by Ron Stoppable)
    Boys get the academic gig instead of relationship hassle. :rolleyes:

    Watch Erick Liang's portrayal by clicking here.
    :rofl:

    Love his acting skills:p: thats exactly what my mam does....nit picking on every single grade, never happy, never proud. I mean, i didnt get excellent GCSEs but they were still good and she called me thick as s**t

    Now my bro is probably gonna suffer her wrath when his grades come out:security:
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    @[email protected] You've all got pretty strict chinese parents... and I always thought mines were strict.

    Actually prehaps they are, i've never actually tested the boat though by rocking it before. Personally I don't think you should have secertly seen your boyfriend.

    Instead i would have just droned on and on about that until they realised what they were doing was wrong. Since like you said, after you got caught it totally kills any trust between you and your parents. Personally i would have told my parents if i was going out, okay maybe not. But if they had asked I would spill immedinatly. No point hiding imo.

    I get on pretty well with my parents though, they trust me enough to make my own decisions. Apart from when they see something as an addiction.
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    My Nigerian parents did the same thing to me. I told my mom I wanted to go out in a group of friends bowling on a Sunday afternoon. She asked why because she didn't feel like driving me, and I told her I really wanted to go because a guy I liked was going. She freaked out and told me I absolutely could not go. We got in a huge fight and I didn't talk to her for a while because I knew it was ridiculous. My dad just agreed with her but didn't get as involved.

    I was 16!!!

    I told her a few years ago (I'm 22 now) that she'd been extremely unreasonable, and now she agrees. Of course my younger brother can do so much more than I ever could
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    (Original post by Ting-Ting)
    :five:

    Although do any of you have brothers? my parents are always suggesting he should get a gf....hes only bloody 16!!!! but she has to be chinese...stupid parents
    But what if her parents won't let her date till university? :rolleyes:
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    i am simply shocked by the level that some of your parents control your lives. wothout causing too much offence i cant understand why they want to be so strict and it seems in some of these accounts guilt people into acting the way they want them too, to me a lot of the issues are the parents criminalising their children, even though you guys get good grades etc, its really not fair, as you seem to all be "good" or whatever. but yeah, trust, non of your parents give it. christ this has redefined the level of liberalness (sp) i gave my mum , jesus i just cant believe it.
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    My parents like Chinese food and they're liberal, and people always say "You are what you eat".
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    I'm chinese. Chinese parents are generally stuck in their traditional ways of thinking. I can't give you any good advise really, my mum still laughs at me and brings up that my ex dumped me (which I am still depressed about). Sigh.
    Drinking and partying and sleepovers was banned for a while too, but I just ignored them and they gave in. Sorry to hear about your troubles. I wish you the best of luck.
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    (Original post by Helenia)
    But what if her parents won't let her date till university? :rolleyes:
    :rofl:
    Hmm then that would be an obstacle in my mother's path to the perfect daughter-in-law...mwahahah!
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    (Original post by Zophixan)
    Drinking and partying and sleepovers was banned for a while too, but I just ignored them and they gave in. Sorry to hear about your troubles. I wish you the best of luck.
    Yeah i wasn't allowed at slumber parties either. I think i only ever been to one or two in my whole life! They didn't let me go out shopping on my own until i was 16:eek:
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    How did your parents manage to find out that your ex dumped you? Still, that's really harse of your parents, although I'd expect Chinese parents to say something along the lines of "That's what you get for not focusing on your education"

    ...It's funny reading this thread and just seeing the sheer amount of stuff that me and some of my friends can relate to. As for the OP, I really don't thing you should stop your relationship just because your parents said so. But then again, it's easy for me to say because my parents don't really have much idea what I do outside of the house, so I don't really have experience from that viewpoint.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for your replies! My mum did read my diary too :eek: I don't know if we're twins or what :eek:?

    Anyway, I've decided to lie low as you've all said, I'm still sad I won't be able to see him for ages...

    I know I've probably damaged their trust, but they've damaged mine by reading through my diary... also I forgot to mention that they wanted my e-mail address password so that they could read my emails:eek: and they open up my mails from the post too, and know my phone pin number etc... (though I haven't got one now anyway)

    *sigh* I have no privacy... I know it's not helping that I lied, but I wouldn't have lied more if they didn't overreact about going out with him... normal English parents would just say "ooh you have a boyfriend!" *wink wink* "who is he?" etc. and start interrogating them in a friendly/joky manner, but no... I get grounded.

    Thanks again, it's good to get it all out.
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    This thread is interesting!
    My friend is chinese (from hong kong), and although she currently is living with her aunty not mum, all her family are fine about stuff like that- infact when she was in china aged 14, she was going out with a 19 year old. She told me it was sort of like chinese culture for girls to go out with older guys and stuff- kind of like the opposite of everything that's been said here! Strange :|
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    (Original post by tiger_vio)
    This thread is interesting!
    My friend is chinese (from hong kong), and although she currently is living with her aunty not mum, all her family are fine about stuff like that- infact when she was in china aged 14, she was going out with a 19 year old. She told me it was sort of like chinese culture for girls to go out with older guys and stuff- kind of like the opposite of everything that's been said here! Strange :|
    Well there is a difference in the way parents treat their children between the ones from Hong Kong and mainland China. Generally speaking people from Hong Kong have a much more modern take on these kind of things and they dont really mind.


    Yeah i know what you mean, my trust in my parents have been damaged too. Similarly to you again, my parents actually demanded to read my emails to prove that i have been going out with that guy. :mad:
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    If i find anyone that reads my emails and my precious diary..i will murder them:mad: That is totally out of order!!! How coudl they expect you to respect them if they rummage about in your room and read you diary....GAAAAAAAARGH!!!:argh:
    (Thank GOD that my mam can't read english!:rolleyes: )

    Yeah, my mam was from China and her mam was much more strict on her than she is to me. I hate to say but my mam is qutie narrowminded. Women should always be reserved but the sons of the family are allowed to go in search for mates..thats her thinking. And yeah, i've always envied my mates parents just coz i am jealous how they can talk to their parents about boys and stuff and the parents actually gives advice on how to deal with it..my mam however would just frown upon me, and then ignore me whenever i raise the subject up. If i go and ask her for her permission to go out she would say no and wouldn't give a reason why and then ignore me.(i was 18 at the time too!)

    Basically, parents can act like children too:mad:
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    Sorry about what happened. My parents are chinese too, i don't know how they would react if i have a bf (luckily i don't even have normal friends, so the male/ female thing is not that much if an issue). I have heard my mum mentioning a couple of times that it's best to get a bf after you graduate and is in a stable job so i would imagine probably 26? lol. So the point is i know how strict chinese parents are, and their bizzare minsets. My parents were really disappointed at my GCSE grades and they were never satisfied no matter what i achieved. It also doesn't help that all their friends have children that get straight As, love studying chinese and end up in oxbridge doing medicine, so they are kind of ashamed of me (and yeah they told me that). Also i'm not exactly 'obedient' as they put it like their friend's children and follows their parent's views. I'm extremely controversial, and have views on the opposite end of typical chinese ones. So although i don't get into trouble with them over social situations, they cannot understand me at all. They don't understand why i listen to the music i do, the way percieve an oppotunity to pursue what i love more valuable than trying to be a rich doctor, and why i would rather do zoology/ biology if i have the potential to be a doctor.
    I see parallels between the OP's situation with my old chinese studies. Throughout year 9 to year 11, my parents forced me to go to chiense school where i literally had the worst experiences in my life. I hated the subject, i hated the complete **** they were teaching us, and how everything we learnt was so patronising. I hated my environment and my teacher (who was over patriotic loved preaching old chinese revolution propaganda to us ). It was a nightmare. I considered suicide many times just to get out of it and even got into self- harm for a period of time. Not only did my parents not try to help with the situation, they got very angry, took away all my freedom and made me do extra for punishment. My dad used to burst into my room on saturady nights and demands to see my chinese homework, and i couldn never do it, i felt sick just looking at it. So he made me do 7 times as much (the same quantity of work we get in a week in a day). Later, when i got to yr 11, i just rebelled and basically gave them a very hard time,so they promised that i don't have to go any more if i manage to get A or A* in my GCSEs. There has been a few times during the last year where they wanted me to recap on some stuff so i don't forget it, and whenever they did, i literally feel vomit travelling up my throat...
    In a way i understand why they were so angry, as i spent my childhood mainly in china, and knew the language so it would be a shame to forget it. Plus all their friend's children didn't have a problem at all, so it must've been wierd why i reacted like that towards it. But it left me really traumatised.
    My chinese teacher was worse, when she taught us (on a sunday) she used to phone up her son at home in regular 20 minute intervals giving him instructions on what to do. Such as which maths question to compete and how long he should play the piano for. She would call him to tell him to take a 15 minute rest from his work, so assumed he couldn't stop working until she called him. I think he was 15/ 16 So i'm thankful my parents are nothing like that.
    Rant over.
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    Hi OP, you're not alone. I'm in the similar situation but i'm lucky cus my mother is not as strict as yours, but my dad's really stuborn. It's something to do with our parent's believes and the way they were brought up. We're under their roof, so there's nothing much we can do, all we can do is "ren" hope u heard of that chinese word. You're only 17, I'm already 19!!! I can do nothing but wait till i go to Uni. You can probably do the same thing as well. Your parents might think that having a boyfriend will ruin your future, well my dad does think in that way anyway. My parents always want me to be at least one of the top in the class (or in the school) and yours probably thinking in the same way. Anyhoo, good luck.
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    You could always move out after Uni and then stick them in a crooked nursing home when the're old.

    Think you'll be like that when you've got children of your own? :p:

    Seriously, hope it works out ok for you all.
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    (Original post by Orizon)
    How did your parents manage to find out that your ex dumped you? Still, that's really harse of your parents, although I'd expect Chinese parents to say something along the lines of "That's what you get for not focusing on your education"

    ...It's funny reading this thread and just seeing the sheer amount of stuff that me and some of my friends can relate to. As for the OP, I really don't thing you should stop your relationship just because your parents said so. But then again, it's easy for me to say because my parents don't really have much idea what I do outside of the house, so I don't really have experience from that viewpoint.
    They found out when I came back home at like 2 at night, very drunk in tears, rambling about how sad I was, (and also how it was my fault indirectly).
    Quickly off topic, but for the rest of your chinese people, height wise, are you guys generally smaller than the english people? I mean, I'm a guy, and I'm 5' 6.5', and my parents are tiny! And I've always had a good eating pattern and active lifestyle, though to be fair, I stayed mainly on the chinese diet, and didn't eat much junk food!
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    To OP:

    I'm also chinese although I am a chinese male unlike the majority of chinese female posters in this thread Anyways my parents are really more liberal however they would also prefer it if I went out with chinese girls: my dad consistently tries to push me towards going to chinese events solely so I can get a chinese gf. Even though he has told me its my choice whether I go out and marry a chinese or "white" person he would still prefer a chinese daughter-in-law. However that is wat he says and im sure if i did announce i wanted to marry a "white" girl he would go on and on and try to persuade me not to and bring up all kinds of stereotypes he holds saying they are untrustworthy, how they will not do watever i want, how they have no moral standards etc etc. It is utterly ridiculous.


    Basically when it comes to going out (i havent gone out with anyone yet and im almost 18 although there is a girl im getting close to who i really like) my dad has said thats fine as long as u dont take it too seriously until after uni and I have a job. While there is a certain logic to it (again the whole get good grades arguement brought about by the usually inspiring, but bordering obsessive, desire for exemplory grades) it also begs the question: when is it time to get serious? You cannot be placed restrictions on when to take a relationship to a serious level: I have not had one because I dont believe in relationships that are not "serious".

    Similarly u should not allow ur parents to dictate when u can go out. Chinese parents restrict their daughters when it comes to dating probably out of a way of thinking that was replaced only quite recently in this country and that is the marrying off of their girls to successful men (read Pride and Prejudice and this is sortof the attitude they have except its not seen). They do want wats best for u but it is their OPINION of wat is best for u and not necessarily wat actually is best for u. That is a big problem with parenting: every parent desires to make sure their children do well but they do not truely know wat actually IS best for u. Only u can decide that for urself. In my opinion they should let u choose ur own life when u have reached a certain maturity and gained their trust: you have violated that trust and I do not know u well enough to know if u are mature enough.

    You have to walk a very thin line between wat u want and wat ur parents want. Its time to be more aggressive: assault ur parents on why they are so adamant that u cannot see him; compare them to other chinese parents and the freedoms they give their children (sure way to get them to talk); continuously question them as to the why; say that they have hurt u and that u think u have a right to know why; offer to bring ur bf over so they can meet him (hes already made a very generous offer why dont u take it? trust me when i tell u he is exceptionally brave to do such a thing ). You have to juggle between ur wants ur parents wants im afraid: there is alot to admire when it comes to the values chinese people hold dear and we should all be grateful that we have experienced those values in times where society appears to be degrading all around us. However they take it to a level bordering extreme (or in the OP's case definitely extreme) and that is not the way: all things in moderation.


    I hope u make it through this alright. It IS difficult being brought up in a country where the people are so much more liberally minded than our own families but it also tempers us with a level of conservatism that society needs to act as a kind of buffer against a decline to absolute liberalism where moral values can be eroded to nothingness for the sake of having the "liberty" to do as one pleases with total disregard to others.
 
 
 
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