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bf's flirtation with female friends

I've been with my boyfriend on and off for ages, and have always trusted him 100% not to cheat etc, but something is getting to me at the moment. He's generally really quite shy around girls, but since he's started uni his best friends are his corridor, who are a mainly female group. Now they seem like nice girls (I've met them once but not properly, which doesn't help my worries) but they are really touchy feely and flirtatious with each other. They'll always be hugging and calling each other sexy and generally just going on about how fit my boyfriend is. We weren't together for most of this year at uni, so while I was jealous I knew it wasn't for me to say anything, but I did build up this kind of paranoia about it.

I feel like I don't have a right to say anything...most of the girls have long term boyfriends so I don't think they actually want my boyfriend, but I just don't like the way they are sooo all over each other! Now we're at home and back together it's still kind of annoying, they'll text/email/facebook him saying "hey sexy, missing your hotness soo much can't wait to see you xxxxxxx" and he'll respond in the same kind of way. Even friends have pointed out what a 'stud' he's become.

I have told him it's bothering me but he says it's just a kind of running joke and it's fine. Do I have a right to ask him to stop being like that? I really don't want to mess up their relationship, and it's not that I'm scared of anything happening between them at all cos I'm sure they're only messing but...arrghh!

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

There's hope for all of us! Can't wait for uni...

Reply 2

Hana_87

No, you do have a right to tell him to stop this bahaviour. Of course you do!

Reply 3

rawkingpunkster

LOL. well if he loves you he would respect your worries and even if he does continue talking to them, he should be reassuring you all the time that he only loves you :biggrin:

Reply 4

Leigh

A right, yes. But if he doesn't see the fault in it, it's not necessarily going to make him stop; it's natural that people like attention and affection and will reciprocate, so even if he tries to tone it down, if the girls don't, he'll struggle.

Reply 5

Profesh

If you can't trust him, what the Hell is the point?

Reply 6

Anonymous #3

some people are natrually flirty people, and dunt notice they do it, like me,

but you need to askl him what is going on

Reply 7

Anonymous #4

Profesh

If you can't trust him, what the Hell is the point?

Not quite sure, what the Hell do you think is the point fool?

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Profesh

If you can't trust him, what the Hell is the point?

But I do trust him, I know he's not going to cheat on me ever, but I still don't like him being like that with them! I guess that's why I'm asking if it's justified.

Reply 9

high priestess fnord

tbh if that kinda jokey flirting is going on then he wont be able to stop it without losing the closeness of his friendship group, which isnt fair on him. try and arrange to meet his friends, go for a drink with them. as you said the fact that you dont know them doesnt help. my bf has friends like this but male (dont ask) and tbh ive just joined in with the joke. if you really dont like it then have a word with your bf. im sure they can tone it down in front of you.

Reply 10

abc137

Lilly_May

No, you do have a right to tell him to stop this bahaviour. Of course you do!

I agree with that!

Reply 11

mypaperheart

Of course you have a right! He's your boyfriend, and he needs to know when to cool things off with his friends like that. But you have to think, even though you say that you don't think the girls are after him, if this is constantly getting you down, is the situation worth being in?

Reply 12

Ron Stoppable

Rosalily

you have to think, even though you say that you don't think the girls are after him, if this is constantly getting you down, is the situation worth being in?

Exactly!

OP: Consider the pleasure of continuing the relationship together with the counter-acting force of the pain of soldiering on, oblivious to what the reality of the situation is. Ask yourself what your pleasure/pain balance is currently like, then talk to your boyfriend about it. If he positively changes that balance for you, then it's all good. If not, though, then have enough self-respect for yourself to do the right thing by your book.

Relationships. So not the drama

Reply 13

mik

Ron Stoppable

Exactly!
Ask yourself what your pleasure/pain balance is currently like, then talk to your boyfriend about it. If he positively changes that balance for you, then it's all good. If not, though, then have enough self-respect for yourself to do the right thing by your book.

a relationship somehow involves two people, no?

Reply 14

high priestess fnord

mik

a relationship somehow involves two people, no?

youve got to think about yourself. if its not working for you then your leading the other person on and its not fair on them either.

Reply 15

mik

i am getting confused now

wasnt it all about "loving", "being supportive", "being with her just for her personality"? (according to many other threads on this forum) i dont see there any pleasure/pain accountancy!?

then it is also "if the pleasure he gives you isnt enough, just drop him and find someone better! in fact, it will be better for him too"

Reply 16

mik

Anonymous

I feel like I don't have a right to say anything...most of the girls have long term boyfriends so I don't think they actually want my boyfriend, but I just don't like the way they are sooo all over each other! Now we're at home and back together it's still kind of annoying, they'll text/email/facebook him saying "hey sexy, missing your hotness soo much can't wait to see you xxxxxxx" and he'll respond in the same kind of way. Even friends have pointed out what a 'stud' he's become.

surely they fancy the thought of having him, and he does too.
but that shouldnt worry you - as long as they dont hide it from you it means nothing bad is happening. it is a lot easier to start flirtatious friendship when you dont see anything in it (you have bf/gf) but just a game and respect.

i am in such mode with my former housemate because she is 45 years old (i am 23). she is sexy and sometimes i fantasize about her but i dont see myself doing it so i end up being quite open about it. she fancies me too but she thinks i am too young. :smile:

i cant behave like this to anybody that i actually envisage sleeping with. (although i should!!!)

what i`d do on your place is to join the group! AND show them also that i have certain precedence over him in the touchy-feely part. it might be difficult since you are in different cities, but go and spend a few weekends in his halls, go clubbing together etc. make them your friends too.

also you shouldnt think of a bf as your secured property. you have to fight for him every day the same as you did on your first date! (and he should do the same, of course! but you will see how immediately he will change when you become more playful and intriguing)
this will keep your life together fresh and happier, and other flirts wouldnt be a threat. Because, surely, you are better in it then them, no?

Reply 17

Chrism

You don't believe he's going to cheat on you with them and you accept they all seem nice enough and have their own boyfriends... so what exactly is your problem?

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

Chrism

You don't believe he's going to cheat on you with them and you accept they all seem nice enough and have their own boyfriends... so what exactly is your problem?

That I'm jealous, clearly... I guess I just feel that kind of affection and closeness should be reserved for your girlfriend. I kind of feel like he's being a bit disrespectful. But I accept that I might be being unreasonable, which is why I've posted on here to get some opinions!

Reply 19

black_mamba

I've been in the same situation before, but the flirting was more subtle. I kept quiet, but it was upsetting me (although I knew it was probably irrational thoughts).

Luckily for me I 100% trusted my partner. He has had one of his female friends do that nasty 'grinding' thing with him on a dance floor right in front of me and I was incensed, but kept quiet. Later on he told me how embarrassing it was for him and that his danced with her [the girl] a little just so she wouldn't be upset. :rolleyes:

We had a discussion about it and he confessed how he was trying so hard to keep other people happy that it was inadvertently hurting me as a result. Maybe you are in the same situation.

Speak to him, but try to keep the discussion as rational and calm as possible. It could turn ugly if yu let the jealousy get the better of you. :eek: