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I'm transgender and scared of never having a relationship :(
I'm an FTM transgender person (transman), basically I'm a guy and I look like a guy due to hormones and chest surgery (waiting for lower surgery) and everyone who I've met since changing my name over knows me as a guy. My passport and other ID all say I'm male. A few people who I've known a while obviously know my medical history. I am attracted to women which makes me straight.
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
Scroll to see replies
How old are you? I think it would be pretty difficult when you are younger, but one of those "it gets better" things. I think as long as you tell people before anything physical happens, they can't complain. I would think niche events/website would be useful, otherwise it's probably better to meet people through friendships and stuff. I don't think many people would consider dating a transgender person they just met, but if you can make a connection with someone their "rules" for dating tend to be easily overlooked.
I don't know about other people, but I'd have no problem dating someone who was trans.
In terms of when to tell them, again, I don't know how other people would feel but to me, I understand that it's a very personal thing, and why you maybe wouldn't to tell someone straight away. I wouldn't feel like I'd been tricked, but if we'd been in a relationship for a while before they told me, I'd maybe feel like they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and wonder why that was. Hopefully that helps?
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In terms of when to tell them, again, I don't know how other people would feel but to me, I understand that it's a very personal thing, and why you maybe wouldn't to tell someone straight away. I wouldn't feel like I'd been tricked, but if we'd been in a relationship for a while before they told me, I'd maybe feel like they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and wonder why that was. Hopefully that helps?
Posted from TSR Mobile
So are you a guy but with a vagina?
I don't really know when a good time to tell them is . Sorry but I can say that I fully support you and would date you 
I dont think you being a trans has anything to do with it. Your never gunna be a girl again so....whats the point of judging a relationship on who you were to who you are. 
Original post by Anonymous
I'm an FTM transgender person (transman), basically I'm a guy and I look like a guy due to hormones and chest surgery (waiting for lower surgery) and everyone who I've met since changing my name over knows me as a guy. My passport and other ID all say I'm male. A few people who I've known a while obviously know my medical history. I am attracted to women which makes me straight.
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
Be asexual then, what's the deal?
Original post by Tim2341
Be asexual then, what's the deal?
You don't just decide to be asexual. Being asexual is not the same as being celibate. Someone who is celibate feels sexual attraction but chooses not to act on it. Someone who is asexual doesn't feel sexual attraction to anyone.
I'd ignore the less than helpful contribution.
I can't offer advice except to say that one of my friends is in a similar situation and did eventually find someone who didn't give a flying monkeys about their previous past.
You are whatever you choose to be and whoever you choose to be. I'm crap at explaining things, so I think Harley described things best really.
Regardless, all the best buddy.
I can't offer advice except to say that one of my friends is in a similar situation and did eventually find someone who didn't give a flying monkeys about their previous past.
You are whatever you choose to be and whoever you choose to be. I'm crap at explaining things, so I think Harley described things best really.
Regardless, all the best buddy.
Original post by Grim_Squeaker
I'd ignore the less than helpful contribution.
I can't offer advice except to say that one of my friends is in a similar situation and did eventually find someone who didn't give a flying monkeys about their previous past.
You are whatever you choose to be and whoever you choose to be. I'm crap at explaining things, so I think Harley described things best really.
Regardless, all the best buddy.
I can't offer advice except to say that one of my friends is in a similar situation and did eventually find someone who didn't give a flying monkeys about their previous past.
You are whatever you choose to be and whoever you choose to be. I'm crap at explaining things, so I think Harley described things best really.
Regardless, all the best buddy.
Thanks, that's good, wish there were more people out there like that!
Original post by Harley
I don't know about other people, but I'd have no problem dating someone who was trans.
In terms of when to tell them, again, I don't know how other people would feel but to me, I understand that it's a very personal thing, and why you maybe wouldn't to tell someone straight away. I wouldn't feel like I'd been tricked, but if we'd been in a relationship for a while before they told me, I'd maybe feel like they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and wonder why that was. Hopefully that helps?
Posted from TSR Mobile
In terms of when to tell them, again, I don't know how other people would feel but to me, I understand that it's a very personal thing, and why you maybe wouldn't to tell someone straight away. I wouldn't feel like I'd been tricked, but if we'd been in a relationship for a while before they told me, I'd maybe feel like they didn't trust me enough to tell me, and wonder why that was. Hopefully that helps?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Thanks, yeah that makes sense, thanks. Wish more people could think like you!
Original post by Mankytoes
How old are you? I think it would be pretty difficult when you are younger, but one of those "it gets better" things. I think as long as you tell people before anything physical happens, they can't complain. I would think niche events/website would be useful, otherwise it's probably better to meet people through friendships and stuff. I don't think many people would consider dating a transgender person they just met, but if you can make a connection with someone their "rules" for dating tend to be easily overlooked.
I'm 19. Yeah I'd definitely tell people before anything seriously physical happened, but it's where you draw the line...holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc? I'm not really one to get into a relationship with somebody I'm not friends with and don't know well/trust, I'm not desperate to get into one immediately, just worried I never will.
Original post by pinda.college
So are you a guy but with a vagina?
I guess that is a rather crude way of putting it...
Original post by Just Another Girly
I don't really know when a good time to tell them is . Sorry but I can say that I fully support you and would date you I dont think you being a trans has anything to do with it. Your never gunna be a girl again so....whats the point of judging a relationship on who you were to who you are. My current boyfriend is FTM and that's great He told me about ~3 months in i think? I didn't mind at all with him waiting to tell me and it felt really nice that he trusts me enough to tell me. We've been together for about 7 months now, so don't give up on dating despite some ignorant people being transphobic :/
He told me about ~3 months in i think? I didn't mind at all with him waiting to tell me and it felt really nice that he trusts me enough to tell me. We've been together for about 7 months now, so don't give up on dating despite some ignorant people being transphobic :/Its a tricky one really, as obviously the point at which you're comfortable telling a potential partner may not always coincide with when they'd want to be told. Personally I think that honesty is the best policy.
If you're upfront about it, it means you're able to rule out people who would be bothered by it, before either of you are too invested.
I appreciate that it might be difficult to explain this to someone you've just met, but online dating might be quite helpful in that respect. - as you can have that openness from the outset.
If you're upfront about it, it means you're able to rule out people who would be bothered by it, before either of you are too invested.
I appreciate that it might be difficult to explain this to someone you've just met, but online dating might be quite helpful in that respect. - as you can have that openness from the outset.
Original post by Anonymous
I guess that is a rather crude way of putting it...
Sorry I didn't mean to offend you, I was just confused. All I can say is be yourself and try not to let your changes dictate how you behave around others, be natural. If you do find someone then I think it would be best to be open about your transformation from the start of your relationship. How was the whole transformation? Have you been taking tesosterone injections etc?
Original post by pinda.college
Sorry I didn't mean to offend you, I was just confused. All I can say is be yourself and try not to let your changes dictate how you behave around others, be natural. If you do find someone then I think it would be best to be open about your transformation from the start of your relationship. How was the whole transformation? Have you been taking tesosterone injections etc?
I wasn't offended, don't worry, just some people might have been so be careful
Yeah well I guess it was just as you'd expect from a male puberty, I've been taking testosterone as a topical gel. Tbh it was quite quick in terms of name change and things and actually much easier than I anticipated
So your female and male at the same time? Naturally?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I've been attracted to transguys and if they had a good personality I'd date 'em, screw what other people think tbh.
I'd say it's best to tell them your history at the beginning. If you trust them enough.
I know it's easier said than done but at least that way you wouldn't be wasting your time or their time further into the relationship. I mean what's the point of a relationship if they're not going to accept you for who you are?
I've never personally dated a transgender person so I'm probably not the best person to take advice from.
Anyway, sorry for this mildly unhelpful advice, hope you find someone OP.
I know it's easier said than done but at least that way you wouldn't be wasting your time or their time further into the relationship. I mean what's the point of a relationship if they're not going to accept you for who you are?
I've never personally dated a transgender person so I'm probably not the best person to take advice from.
Anyway, sorry for this mildly unhelpful advice, hope you find someone OP.
Also, if you are going to tell somebody, I'd do it while all parties involved are sober. As I've seen a situation like that get rather out of hand with a similar revelation while people were drunk. Some people can be a little reactionary and all when drunk, yet completely rational and understanding when sober.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
I'm an FTM transgender person (transman), basically I'm a guy and I look like a guy due to hormones and chest surgery (waiting for lower surgery) and everyone who I've met since changing my name over knows me as a guy. My passport and other ID all say I'm male. A few people who I've known a while obviously know my medical history. I am attracted to women which makes me straight.
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
However, I'm scared to get into a relationship as I feel like people who know my history automatically dismiss me as un-dateable, and with new people I'd feel like I'd have to tell them my history as I should trust them completely and it wouldn't be fair to hide it from them. But, I don't know at what point I should tell someone - obviously I need to trust them first, I wouldn't want them telling everyone...however if I get too far into a relationship they'd feel cheated that I hadn't told them. Also I'm afraid they might react badly and reject me.
So basically I'm terrified of getting into a relationship.
There are loads of 'would you date a trans person?' threads on here (http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=42345367&highlight=date%20transgender and http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2046973&page=11&p=38409635&highlight=date%20transgender#post38409635), and the responses are frankly, not that encouraging. Some of them are ok, but there's a lot of 'I'd be friends with them and respect them, but I wouldn't date them' which is hard to take. While I understand that it's their choice it's gutting to think that people would rule me out as a potential person to date on the basis of a medical condition...especially once I've finished all my surgeries.
So basically, looking for advice on a) When is a good point in a relationship to tell somebody my history. b) Any experiences relating to dating a trans person, or as a transperson.
Prepared for a lot of hate on this thread as ignorant comments are the norm on the internet when you can be anonymous :/
I personally would have no issue at all in dating a trans person and it's pretty impossible that im the only one who feels that way. I'm sure there must be dating sites dedicated to trans people and that way there's no "when do i tell them" issue and there's probably plenty of support groups full of people who feel exactly the same.
All i would say is that the right person wont mind and so when it comes to it, you have no reason to fear
I can understand the confusion with when to tell them - you dont know if you can trust them too early on but later on you dont know if they'll feel like you've lied to them and end it...it's incredibly unhelpful but i'd say trust your gut...your interactions will be different with everyone and you might find you have a trusting bond with one girl much sooner than another. I personally would rather be told before a relationship started..once we've established that there's mutual feelings because by that point i'd i know i like you enough for it to not really matter where as too early on it could "taint" (for want of a better word) someones view..it could overshadow the simple "he's nice - i like him" process..im not sure if that made sense?(edited 11 years ago)
An acquaintance of mine is in a very happy relationship with a FTM transgender man; he told her on their first date, and 6 years later they're still together
For me, personally, I would appreciate being told about it, as I greatly value honesty in a relationship and see that as something significant - not just physically, but emotionally as well. On the other hand, I do understand that it can't be the easiest thing to tell, and I would definitely not hold it against someone if they would only tell me some time into the relationship.
While I realise it must be very hard to be so open and honest to people, especially as there might be a potential relationship at stake, I do think it would be a good idea to inform someone quite early on; their reaction definitely tells you whether they are even worth you time, and that way you can avoid becoming too invested in a relationship that wouldn't work out anyway.
All the best of luck to you - I'm sure there's loads of girls out there who (like me) really wouldn't care!
For me, personally, I would appreciate being told about it, as I greatly value honesty in a relationship and see that as something significant - not just physically, but emotionally as well. On the other hand, I do understand that it can't be the easiest thing to tell, and I would definitely not hold it against someone if they would only tell me some time into the relationship.
While I realise it must be very hard to be so open and honest to people, especially as there might be a potential relationship at stake, I do think it would be a good idea to inform someone quite early on; their reaction definitely tells you whether they are even worth you time, and that way you can avoid becoming too invested in a relationship that wouldn't work out anyway.
All the best of luck to you - I'm sure there's loads of girls out there who (like me) really wouldn't care!
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