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Love is an inconvenience!

I'm in love with my boyfriend. We first went out 3 years ago, broke up for 1 1/2 years, got briefly back together, broke up for uni, got back together after two terms... I've been crazy about him for all these three years. But uni is changing so many of my opinions and attitudes... it makes me feel that I have so much going for me and so much to do before being grown up! It feels so inconvenient to be in love! I meet new people every day, and so many romantic opportunities, and having to say no all the time frustrates me, even though I know that my relationship with my boyfriend is probably worth more.

Seriously, is it really worth holding out for this one relationship, just in case it turns out to be the 'special one', when I have so much more to experience before even wanting to be at that stage?

I do love him, but having fallen in and out of the relationship like we did, I know I'm cool without him, and can have a fairly groovy friendship if we try, which is how I can be so emotionally detached and matter-of-fact about it.

Reply 1

la fille danse

17

It feels so inconvenient to be in love!

It doesn't sound like you're in love.

Reply 2

generalebriety

16

From my experience I would say that the emotional detachment means you are simply very good friends. You're friends who have been very intimate but you know deep down that it's not what you want to be with him - you want to be free to see other people. Stay friends with him and see other people. If he is "The One", you will work this out when you start going out with other people. If not, no great loss, in fact you've gained a friend.

Reply 3

sahsum

13

If you really loved him i doubt u wld be "cool without him".

Reply 4

Evil-Tuna

2

but it makes the world go round.

Reply 5

generalebriety

16

Evil-Tuna

but it makes the world go round.

I thought that was originally the Big Bang?

Reply 6

Clarence

14

Love is so tricky.....I wonder when I will actually find it.

Reply 7

Evil-Tuna

2

generalebriety

I thought that was originally the Big Bang?

only for the cynics. :wink:

Reply 8

KinkayGema

11

i made a deal with myself that i would never allow myself to fal in love until im older (im 18) and i wish i never broke that deal because love broke my heart. not i dont wana fall in love until i can really handle it

Reply 9

dusk

OP

more adventurous

It doesn't sound like you're in love.

Maybe not, but I do. I fell apart the first time we broke up. It's a great relationship, and were we together all year round maybe I wouldn't get distracted, but we're not. We're at different unis, and qu frankly, long distance relationships aren't all that exciting... and I don't want to think about the whole 'marriage, happily ever after' thing yet, cos to me marriage causes you to lose your identity as an individual to an identity as a couple - you even forsake your name for heavens sake! And I'm definitely not ready for that!

So should I really be placing myself in a relationship that could be headed that way faster than I want? Or what if it doesn't work out, and I passed up the most exciting years of my life for something that ends horribly? When we broke up for uni, I was obviously sad, but the way we left it was lovely, because there was so much feeling on both sides, and that was more important to me than being his girlfriend.

I love him, but in such a way that I don't *need* to be him - I'm with him cos I like to be, and it feels very healthy actually!

Reply 10

generalebriety

16

dusk

When we broke up for uni, I was obviously sad, but the way we left it was lovely, because there was so much feeling on both sides, and that was more important to me than being his girlfriend.

I love him, but in such a way that I don't *need* to be him - I'm with him cos I like to be, and it feels very healthy actually!

...equals friendship, no?

Reply 11

dusk

OP

lol! If friends behave like we do, the world would be a scary place! If I felt like this about all my friends, I would be a red-blooded latino!

I guess that since uni made me reassess a good deal of my values - like money, career, friendships, study etcetc I'm now reassessing the importance of romantic relationships, so what do you think? Are they important? More significantly, are they the *most* important? How do they compare to everything else you value?

You seem to view non-needy love as friendship. Why does a romantic relationship have to be based on a strong reliance on each other? Can't you be strong individuals as well as a strong couple?

Reply 12

generalebriety

16

dusk

lol! If friends behave like we do, the world would be a scary place! If I felt like this about all my friends, I would be a red-blooded latino!

I guess that since uni made me reassess a good deal of my values - like money, career, friendships, study etcetc I'm now reassessing the importance of romantic relationships, so what do you think? Are they important? More significantly, are they the *most* important? How do they compare to everything else you value?

You seem to view non-needy love as friendship. Why does a romantic relationship have to be based on a strong reliance on each other? Can't you be strong individuals as well as a strong couple?

There's a difference between not needing to rely on each other and not needing to see each other. You can't love someone if you don't care when you don't see them for ages.

Happiness - my own and my friends' - comes above everything else I value. If love will help me achieve that then so be it - it's not for me to decide.

Are you happy?

Reply 13

dusk

OP

not sure, but thank you very much for replying :smile:

Sorry for the barrage of questions, I find comparison of values interesting. Ni-night.

Reply 14

Sanity Panda

Obviously if your not willing to sacrifice most of your other values such as career, money, friendship and all that between you two. Then its not love... No.

I agree with the OP, To me it seems like quite alot people of regard romance as the end and the ultimate thing in the world. And if you don't feel that way about someone then its friendship...It could be that shes been with him for so long that there isin't the whole fresh spark of intense romance. The needy love, having to contact them every single minute of your life.

@_@

Reply 15

Andy Spark

1

Me and my ex remain good friends - this is now a couple of months after the relationship ended.

I am going to university (in the south) near the end of September and she is in the year below and would most probably being going north with her choice of university. Basically - even if we hadn't split up over something else, university would have, so it is probably best that we have these few months to adjust to a proper friendship.

The truth? I wish I was still with her and I don't know exactly how she feels about me but I'm sort of guessing it is how the OP feels about her boyfriend - if we kept meeting up and spending time together, we would probably be (and stay) together.

But we haven't seen each other face-to-face since the start of June and have just kept in contact by text/MSN. Would it be 'worth' holding out for her, hoping that somehow we will spend more time together in the future and hope the same spark we used to have between us will occur again? No, of course not.

Hell, even if I met her tomorrow and spent the whole day together, I doubt we'd be closer than friends or even flirt that much: it's already fallen back into 'just friends' territory. Does this mean that we were only ever suited as friends and just happened to get intimate? No, I loved her with all my heart - and still do.

It just means that two people who were boyfriend and girlfriend can understand the problems of life (especially at these turning points in our lives) and get on with it without the 'inconviences of love'. I'd love to still be in a relationship with her, but it really would be too hard at the moment.

OP, if you value your friendship with your boyfriend, tell him now of your worries/ideas of life before you think about messing around with other people/distancing yourself from him for other reasons...because it is one thing to lose a lover, it's another to also totally cut off a great friend who you get along with from your life.

Reply 16

Hana_87

16

dusk

It feels so inconvenient to be in love!

I meet new people every day, and so many romantic opportunities, and having to say no all the time frustrates me,

I know I'm cool without him, can have a fairly groovy friendship if we try

I think you've answered your own question, if you REALLY wanted 2 be with him, which is whats needed to make a relationship work, you wouldnt be saying this stuff.

Reply 17

nas7232

19

If you don't need him and he needs you then i think you should break up because then he'll end up getting hurt more as time goes by.

I'm not sure you are in love from what you have said :confused:

Love is like a thing that means that you sometimes feel like you can't live without the other person and the thought of breaking up rips you apart, imo.

Reply 18

Andy Spark

1

nas7232

If you don't need him and he needs you then i think you should break up because then he'll end up getting hurt more as time goes by.

I'm not sure you are in love from what you have said :confused:

Love is like a thing that means that you sometimes feel like you can't live without the other person and the thought of breaking up rips you apart, imo.

As I said, in my previous post - sometimes it is more important to break up sooner and keep SOMETHING of a friendship there (if you truly love them), then letting it drag out and eventually cutting off all contact, losing everything forever.

Obviously, in an ideal world, you would let the relationship drag out and still remain good friends, but that is really unlikely.

Also, in the long-term, if you are still in contact as great friends, surely that will put you in a better chance of a second go of things than if you split up on bad terms after a drawn-out one-sided distancing process. And even if that second chance doesn't happen - you will still have that great friend.

I am not saying just dump every person you get with to always be great friends with them, but if you can see there being a massive hurdle that you don't think at least one of you will cope with - maybe it really is the best thing to do.

EDIT - me splitting up with my ex ripped both of us apart: neither of us especially wanted it, but we knew that it was the only way we could always be in each other's lives, and I value her so greatly that I'd prefer to have her in my life always as a friend than someone I'd later almost definately split up with later (because of hurdles that are definately in front of us and will definately happen) on much worse terms.

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

After reading all these posts about LOVE, I wonder if there's really LOVE between a guy and a girl? I had a bf months ago, but i never felt like what people have said. I wouldn't want to die or sacrifice myself for him. On the other hand i'll do anything for my sisters. Just anything. I think this is what we called Love. Is it? is the real love for your bf/gf same as my feeling for my sister : as if we cant live without them, or life will be worthless without them.

Love is an inconvenience!

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