please can somebody help me and give em a rough band for this essay!

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Maryamkj
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Please help,

thanks!
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BankOfPigs
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(Original post by Maryamkj)
Please help,

thanks!
Hello

Im not going to place a band since I doubt I'm qualified to accurately do this but there are a few tips to consider.

1. Watch your grammar.
2. Try and flow your quotes into sentences and write a but more formally (I personally dislike exclamation marks in essays).
3. You didn't really choose one side in the end so you lack evaluation.
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Hal.E.Lujah
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(Original post by Maryamkj)
Please help,

thanks!

Heyo, marked this page and will read it through. I don't always give bands, only when is appropriate.

Will post when can.
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Maryamkj
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Thank You so much!
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Maryamkj
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(Original post by BankOfPigs)
Hello

Im not going to place a band since I doubt I'm qualified to accurately do this but there are a few tips to consider.

1. Watch your grammar.
2. Try and flow your quotes into sentences and write a but more formally (I personally dislike exclamation marks in essays).
3. You didn't really choose one side in the end so you lack evaluation.
Thank you so much this really helped
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Hal.E.Lujah
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(Original post by Maryamkj)
Thank You so much!

Heya :wavey:


First off, I wasn't actually sure if this was for GCSE or A level, and what exam board it was, so I couldn't give it a band or anything. I'm assuming it's for GCSE? If it's for A level needs alot of work :sadnod:

I did alot more than just mark it, because even at GCSE there's alot of room for improvement. I've offered some alternative phrasing and some points that might really bolster your essay. It's important you understand them before using them though, so if you don't follow don't add them or ask me to explain them a bit.


Your essay style was a little off, and you should really work on having a simple structure of:


Introduction
Points for
Points against
Conclusion


And each of your points in the second and third paragraphs (none in the conclusion or intro!) should be structured like this:


Point: The point you want to make ofc
Example: A quote from the text proving what you're saying is true
Explanation: Why would the author do this?
Link: What relevance does this have to the question?

For example:

Point: Lennie is big
Example: 'his huge companion'
Explanation: Steinbeck makes Lennie big to maybe represent the hugeness of America
Link: By doing this he could be making an optimistic point about how much metaphorical opportunity there is/



Below is the 'blow-by-blow' essay analysis. I hope some of it helps.


Essay Review:

Introduction:

I would rewrite this out slightly. At the moment it's a little bit clunky and you have points in here that stylistically should wait to be made in the rest of the essay, as you can't provide evidence for them in the space of the introduction. Your restraint is appropriate though, in the sense that you offer the two standpoints outlined in the question (Pessimistic/Optimistic) but I'm not sure if you embrace the subtle second meaning in the question: is the novel a celebration of the time setting or is it lamenting the changes. This is a tricky point, but worth working into the opening. I'm a great advocate of opening introductions being the most important part of an essay :lol:


First Para:

Here I have to wonder about where you're writing this essay. Is it for an exam practice, or is this a coursework piece? In an exam not having a quote is acceptable, but if this is for coursework when you say 'He never forgets his dreams' (You should change the sentence you currently have to this by the way, at the moment it's bad grammar) You need to have some form of evidence from the text. I think a good example for this would be late in the novel when Lennie says 'We're gonna have rabbits an' a berry patch'. I think the bit afterwards when you describe the 'By heart' might benefit from an example such as this, to go with the 'Lennie has learnt his dreams by heart'. From here, your point about the American dream remaining resolute and giving hope to those who have none would be really strong.


Second Para:

I think the first line only needs to be a word like 'However' or 'Contrastingly'. Honestly, these opening parts of a paragraph really endear whoever is marking to just go 'Yep They know what they're talking about'
I also feel that here you could begin to make a case for the novel being pessimistic.

So: Contrastingly, whilst Steinbeck portrays his novel in an optimistic light through Lennie's dreams, the novel is often extremely pessimistic.


From here, your point about the dog links in beautifully with knocking out any argument that the novel is optimistic. You could say that Lennie's dreams, tied so close to animals, resonates as hollow when the dog is killed. You also don't need to worry about spoilers when talking about the end of the novel, the examiner will already know how it ends


Conclusion:

Drop the exclamation mark, and as a rule never use one in an essay. Sounds boring but has to be done. You really want to avoid describing the events of the novel in the way you do here. Your conclusion just needs to be 'In conclusion, whilst it can seem that Steinbeck intended the novel to be optimistic, the ultimate tragedy of the novel and the way it is tied the symbols of optimism reveals the true pessimism at the heart of the novel'.






Hope this helps!
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