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Slept with my best friends boyfriend.

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Don't get drunk.

Hahaha take it to the grave sister. You're gonna make things worse by admiting the truth

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Reply 82

Jessaay!

Original post by A Perfect Circle

Lot of pathetic people out and about tonight telling OP to keep her mouth shut. Probably the same kind of people - weak and unable to take any responsibility.

This is a character test OP. Grow some gonads and tell your friend the truth - you've already screwed her over once so let's try not to go for the friend of the year award.

I wouldn't say people are pathetic for saying that, actually. I think it's far more complicated a lot of the time than simply 'the truth will save her from being hurt in the end'. This is coming from the perspective of someone who has been cheated on multiple times, and someone who is friends with a girl who was in the exact same situation as the OP is talking about (i.e. her boyfriend cheated on her with her friend). This friend of mine says that she wish she never knew. This is because, on both sides, it was a complete mistake. They both loved her to death and the guy was just confused because my friend was going through a difficult time and not treating him particularly well, and the girl was having a manic depressive episode. He hated himself for it, and the friend and the boyfriend told her what had happened. She said that it felt unfair that they got away with a clean conscience, even if they did lose her friendship and love, but she lost two people- her relationship and her friendship, and got all sorts of confidence and trust issues as a result. She came out on the bad side, and she wished that she could have not known, so they could live with their guilt and decide either to treat her better or break it off with her.

She has said that a lot of the time, people tell people they have cheated due to selfish motivations, i.e. they wish to clear their conscience.

Of course, it does depend on what the circumstances are. If this guy is a complete prick and doesn't care about his girlfriend at all, she's better knowing. If the friend would do it again, she's also better knowing. Either way the OP needs to consider what is best for her friend here- losing two cheating scumbags, or the two cheating scumbags using this to become better people and treat the girl they care about better and never do this again.

This is the time for selflessness though, and the OP should know what is right. Most likely in this case it sounds like she should tell her friend because there has been little mention of the guy feeling bad, though that may just be lack of inclusion. You either play innocent and ensure noone will tell her and she never gets treated in such an appalling way again which is better for her in the long run, or you tell her and enter her into a world of hurt which may or may not save her from hurt in the future. People saying that telling her will save her from hurt in the end are forgetting that telling her will enter her into an unimaginable world of hurt right now so I really don't get where you're coming from... what situation could be so much worse than this?

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 83

Yakob

Idiots in this thread who think they understand "pragmatism".

If you're pragmatic, you'd blackmail the boyfriend, spin him round your little finger and get what you want or you will tell everyone on Facebook.

You take advantage of the situation, good, bad doesn't matter, if it is highly advantageous for yourself and benefit from it in a significant way, you do it.

Lying is for the weak, manipulation is for the strong.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 84

da_nolo

Original post by Jessaay!

assuming the other side thought it was a mistake or indeed was equally as drunk and incapable of decisions.

She has said that a lot of the time, people tell people they have cheated due to selfish motivations, i.e. they wish to clear their conscience.

is it better for the friend to have a boyfriend that may act in such ways constantly? There are ways around it, and to get better.

Of course, it does depend on what the circumstances are. If this guy is a complete prick and doesn't care about his girlfriend at all, she's better knowing. If the friend would do it again, she's also better knowing. Either way the OP needs to consider what is best for her friend here- losing two cheating scumbags, or the two cheating scumbags using this to become better people and treat the girl they care about better and never do this again.

This is the time for selflessness though, and the OP should know what is right. Most likely in this case it sounds like she should tell her friend because there has been little mention of the guy feeling bad, though that may just be lack of inclusion. You either play innocent and ensure no one will tell her and she never gets treated in such an appalling way again which is better for her in the long run, or you tell her and enter her into a world of hurt which may or may not save her from hurt in the future. People saying that telling her will save her from hurt in the end are forgetting that telling her will enter her into an unimaginable world of hurt right now so I really don't get where you're coming from... what situation could be so much worse than this?

Based on logic, keeping everything in, is more harmful than letting it out. Let's not forget what might happen if the guy has std's.Ignoring a problem does not make it go away - it only makes it worse.

http://www.wewomen.com/tests-quizzes/test-how-do-you-control-your-emotions-advice-on-controlling-your-emotions-d46385c548440.html

Implosion! "Keep everything on the inside and you'll end up with ulcers, sleep problems and a low immune system!" says Elizabeth Couzon. "The other danger is that you'll keep everything bottled up and take everything you can until you reach breaking point, when the slightest, most trivial thing will make you snap." And then you look unreasonable when in fact you've been putting up with things you shouldn't have.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2414537/Dont-bottle-emotions--itll-knock-years-life-raise-cancer-risk-70-percent.html

Reply 85

Jessaay!

Original post by da_nolo

assuming the other side thought it was a mistake or indeed was equally as drunk and incapable of decisions.

is it better for the friend to have a boyfriend that may act in such ways constantly? There are ways around it, and to get better.

Based on logic, keeping everything in, is more harmful than letting it out. Let's not forget what might happen if the guy has std's.Ignoring a problem does not make it go away - it only makes it worse.

http://www.wewomen.com/tests-quizzes/test-how-do-you-control-your-emotions-advice-on-controlling-your-emotions-d46385c548440.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2414537/Dont-bottle-emotions--itll-knock-years-life-raise-cancer-risk-70-percent.html

Did you seriously just do the following:

1) compare STDs to guilt for doing something wrong?
2) Link to a quiz on 'wewomen.com' to prove a point?
3) ...quote the Daily Mail, which in itself is flawed, but is also making a fairly irrelevant point?

I'm not concerned with what is best for the boyfriend and the friend's emotions, whether or not they feel bad bottling it up. I'm concerned about the girlfrend's emotions and what is best for her, and I'm saying that the whole 'truth is better' idea is over-simplified. Both from experience and from the experience of my friend.

There is no real 'logic' in saying keeping everything in is better than letting it out, it depends entirely on the circumstances, logically, which is what I was saying in my post.

I'm saying that she either needs to know, or the boyfriend and friend need to ensure the relationship ends if the guy is going to do these things 'constantly' (and said that in the post). If he's not, and they're both genuinely sorry and want to change to ensure it doesn't happen again, then there are reasons to believe that it may be best for the girl to keep it under wraps and not let her know. It's selfish to tell her just so her friend and boyfriend feel better for not 'bottling something up'.

Also, don't quote the dailymail if trying to prove a point.

Reply 86

Anonymous #1

nobody else knows, if anyone saw us get a taxi home it wouldn't be suspicious as we would just be sharing a taxi. he text me the day after and I didn't reply, I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't think it will come out as he won't say anything...

it may be cowardly of me but if nobody is ever going to know then I'll have to live with the guilt.

Reply 87

Anonymous #3

I have been in this situation apart from it wasn't sex, but we made out... He was drunk.

It depends what you want to do next, I think it was the worst thing I have ever done to a friend and I felt horrendously guilty about it, but on the other hand, I knew she had cheated on him... Obv that doesn't excuse the behaviour!

My advice is... The ball is in his court, it's his relationship. He will likely feel worse than you. But I think it's also likely that if he cheated on her, they are having problems too and in the long run she's probably better off with someone else.

I also think that I would never date a friends ex, it would make it so awkward with that friend! Bros before hoes :P

Reply 88

PG593

If you are prepared to brush it under the rug and get on with life, then best of luck but you better pray she never finds out. Though personally just be honest, I think long term wise the guilt is going to feel far worse than the initial **** storm that will come your way by telling her. At least you can clear your conscience by making the first move now and to be fair, it's the least you can do after you BOTH (you and her bf) have royally screwed up. He is as much to blame as you but by being honest with your best friend, you can at least try to have a little dignity than lying to her face every time you see her and her bf (which is going to be inevitable if she's your best friend). I sympathise we all do stupid things when we're drunk but your best friend is not going to see it that way and if you put yourself in her shoes, you can't exactly blame her. In time by doing this, if she really is your best friend, she will forgive you, but to continue lying further to her face, I'm not sure if you can salvage much if and when she finds out. Good luck, best to do it now rather than later and feel ten times worse. Start off the new year honest with a clean slate and just be seriously careful next time you drink.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 89

username973803

Original post by Anonymous

I am so so upset. I know it's not an excuse, but I was so drunk, I can not remember my whole night out. I can't remember bringing him back to my house or anything.

I can't believe what I have done. I feel so guilty. He won't say anything, and obviously I won't. But I don't know what to do now. I don't even want to see him ever again. I'm mortified. I am a horrible person. What do I do?

Lol..*tumbleweed*..well that escalated quickly. You should probably lay low for a while..you're probably wanted for 'cheating'.

Reply 90

katinthehat

Original post by Liamnut

Responsibility is a notion I don't believe in.

What do you mean? It's not a case of belief - you are even if you don't want to accept that responsibility. If you murder someone you can't turn around and say 'Sorry, I don't believe in responsibility, therefore you can't arrest me'. Not accepting responsibility will get you into a lot of trouble later on in life, just a pre-warning.

Reply 91

Jessaay!

Original post by Anonymous

What did he say to you the next day?

Reply 92

Anonymous #4

wow that is really horrible. it's up to you to read the situation but it's probably best to not tell her and make sure he doesn't tell her either. doubt she'd ever forgive you if she knew.

Reply 93

username728604

If both of you feel as guilty and ****ty as you say you do, then one of you will eventually crumble and tell the truth. In which case it's better to tell her sooner than later.

Reply 94

bj27

Being drunk ain't an excuse, her bf is a prick, I'll leave you alone but I don't think any better of you.

He should have been more composed if he has a GF while you should have controlled yourself, I'd remember not to get with a girl whos taken when I'm that smashed.

:facepalm2:

Reply 95

Jabberwox

I agree with Angel_K. I don't want to preach or lecture about drinking but it's so dangerous to get so blind-drunk that you don't remember what you did the next day. I know sleeping with your friend's boyfriend is bad enough, but next time something far worse could occur - as in, you could land yourself in very serious trouble.

You need to tell her the truth, and understand she will be devastated and furious with you. But it'll just eat away at you if you don't. It's better to tell the truth and deal with the consequences than live with a lie and let it burn away inside you. She might even respect the fact that you've come clean and told her, especially if he was going to keep it a secret. Don't forget, the pair of you bear responsibility so it's not entirely on your shoulders, but it's just your fault as well as his.

Personally, I'd come clean. I know it's easier said than done and sometimes it seems the easier option to keep it a secret - what one doesn't know, one doesn't worry about. But it sounds like you feel genuine remorse for this and the guilt will probably eat away at you. She should have a right to know anyway, as her boyfriend has been unfaithful - and may do the same thing again.

Please don't drink as much as this again. I sound like a stuffy old fart but I've been blind-drunk/practically blacked out and had no recollections of what has happened and I realise how vulnerable and dangerous you can be in this situation.

Reply 96

Anonymous #4

Original post by A Perfect Circle

i disagree. i don't think anyone stands to gain from her best friend finding out. it was a huge unforgivable mistake, yes... but it was a mistake which will (hopefully) not happen again. if OP plans/hopes that it will happen again, then she should tell. if she is really, truly sorry and regretful, she shouldn't. her best friend will lose two of the people closest to her and OP will lose her best friend if she tells, no doubt about it. her whole world would be shaken. the only reason OP would tell her friend would be to alleviate her own guilt which is kind of selfish.
if her boyfriends a knob she'll find out about it eventually.

i'm pretty sure if i were OP's friend i would rather not know unless he was a serial cheater/it was an ongoing thing.

i know i have been in the situation twice where i have woken up in a friends bed with absolutely NO recollection of the night before... and i had slept with them both. i can't even remember going home... so i can't have had any control over my actions... i definitely didn't have rational thought. mistakes DO happen.

Reply 97

username728604

Original post by Anonymous

Obviously you're biased so you would say that. The gf deserves to know, it's her choice to then continue the friendship/relationship. Keeping her in ignorance is taking away her choice and misleading her. She can make decisions in her life based on the fact she thinks she has a loyal boyfriend when obviously this isn't true.

Drink drivers make alcohol fuelled mistakes but that's not an excuse and like all actions, mistakes have consequences.

Reply 98

mollyx

I personally wouldn't tell her, as the likelihood is you would lose your friendship if you told her, so although she deserves to know, if you want to keep the friendship just deny it

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Reply 99

celvandamn

some best friend you are , no excuses !!!