Very unsure regarding future of my relationship, need some serious advice
I've been with my partner for around 20 months, and we rent a house together. In the beginning, as with most, it was the amazing honeymoon period, we were infatuated, couldn't get enough of each other, etc.
We've always bickered, but we were long-distance for a while, so it was mainly silly stuff over Skype/facebook. Now, face-to-face, we have HUGE fights on average once per week.
I absolutely hate these things, and I completely regret some of the things that have been said. There are SERIOUS problems in our relationship, but I believe that we do love each other, and I really want to make it work.
I have suffered from low self-esteem for a long time, and him with a bad temper, which is probably a recipe for disaster in itself when combined.
He hates some of the things I wear, even though he likes other stuff, and I don't wear the 'bad' things that much. They're not exactly obscene or revealing,just normal clothes, but he just doesn't like them, and begs me to change/complains I should be like other girlfriends/I don't make enough effort to be attractive etc. even though he seemed to like plenty of things I own, as I said.
I have bought a lot of things that he'd said he liked, I try to be slim, wear decent make up, do my hair how he likes etc. I feel like he has to approve of every single style decision or he won't be happy.
I'm a little clumsy and forgetful. I'm considering having myself tested for dyspraxia at some point, as I seem to have every symptom going and have done since childhood. I'm not trying to make excuses, but just explaining that I do suffer with a few problems. But these days, he has a go at me over something extremely trivia i've done, tells me I never think, don't make effort etc.
He's said he feels like my Dad, I'm like a baby, he always has to look after me, think for me etc. which I feel is a complete exaggeration, but he says this all of the time. I understand my clumsiness can be annoying, but he acts like I do silly things every day, which is completely untrue. He himself does things/forgets things, etc. but I never kick up such a fuss.
He has openly admitted that there is a possbility he would leave me for someone, who he'd be more attracted to, better with, etc. He used to say stuff like I was the only one, etc. but now he never says a thing like that.
The other week, I thought I had lost an important document, and we began searching for it. He started raging, saying I was a nightmare and it was hell living with me, and started throwing stuff at me. He later calmed down and said he was really sorry, and I was very upset and told him I understand I must be so hard to live with.
The other day, during a big fight, he told me that I don't make him happy, and stuff like that. During these fights, when i've been upset, i've told him to go and find someone better if i'm so terrible. I've tried to point out that he has faults too.
We just end up shouting, and it's not healthy. He says very very nasty things, and I tell him not to be nasty, all I want is peace and to get on. He's said in the past during arguments that he might leave me, or I should leave.
One time, I announced I would leave and find somewhere to stay, because he'd clearly had enough, and he agreed. Then, he told me he loved me and didn't want me to go. I've told him that if he's not happy, I understand if he wants to go, and I would be ok, we could stay friends etc. But yesterday he told me of course he wants to be with me.
It's a shame, because we can get on great, we have a lot in common and such. But sometimes he just doesn't seem happy. His favourite thing seems to be smoking dope, and he smokes a hell of a lot. He doesn't seem to have much enthusiasm to do anything at all.
I'm not sure if it's the weed or it's because he isn't happy with me. I just want him to be happy, though. I have no idea what to do. I admit i've acted insecure in the past about my looks and about other girls, and I know it must have been annoying. I don't say stuff like that now, and my self-esteem has improved.
I genuinely love him and want to make it work. But i'm not sure if he really is happy with me, and wants to stay, or he feels guilty and isn't sure what to do. I've gone to stay with relatives for a few days, which is good as it gives me time to think.
I have no idea what to do, and would be so grateful for any help. Thanks a lot.
We've always bickered, but we were long-distance for a while, so it was mainly silly stuff over Skype/facebook. Now, face-to-face, we have HUGE fights on average once per week.
I absolutely hate these things, and I completely regret some of the things that have been said. There are SERIOUS problems in our relationship, but I believe that we do love each other, and I really want to make it work.
I have suffered from low self-esteem for a long time, and him with a bad temper, which is probably a recipe for disaster in itself when combined.
He hates some of the things I wear, even though he likes other stuff, and I don't wear the 'bad' things that much. They're not exactly obscene or revealing,just normal clothes, but he just doesn't like them, and begs me to change/complains I should be like other girlfriends/I don't make enough effort to be attractive etc. even though he seemed to like plenty of things I own, as I said.
I have bought a lot of things that he'd said he liked, I try to be slim, wear decent make up, do my hair how he likes etc. I feel like he has to approve of every single style decision or he won't be happy.
I'm a little clumsy and forgetful. I'm considering having myself tested for dyspraxia at some point, as I seem to have every symptom going and have done since childhood. I'm not trying to make excuses, but just explaining that I do suffer with a few problems. But these days, he has a go at me over something extremely trivia i've done, tells me I never think, don't make effort etc.
He's said he feels like my Dad, I'm like a baby, he always has to look after me, think for me etc. which I feel is a complete exaggeration, but he says this all of the time. I understand my clumsiness can be annoying, but he acts like I do silly things every day, which is completely untrue. He himself does things/forgets things, etc. but I never kick up such a fuss.
He has openly admitted that there is a possbility he would leave me for someone, who he'd be more attracted to, better with, etc. He used to say stuff like I was the only one, etc. but now he never says a thing like that.
The other week, I thought I had lost an important document, and we began searching for it. He started raging, saying I was a nightmare and it was hell living with me, and started throwing stuff at me. He later calmed down and said he was really sorry, and I was very upset and told him I understand I must be so hard to live with.
The other day, during a big fight, he told me that I don't make him happy, and stuff like that. During these fights, when i've been upset, i've told him to go and find someone better if i'm so terrible. I've tried to point out that he has faults too.
We just end up shouting, and it's not healthy. He says very very nasty things, and I tell him not to be nasty, all I want is peace and to get on. He's said in the past during arguments that he might leave me, or I should leave.
One time, I announced I would leave and find somewhere to stay, because he'd clearly had enough, and he agreed. Then, he told me he loved me and didn't want me to go. I've told him that if he's not happy, I understand if he wants to go, and I would be ok, we could stay friends etc. But yesterday he told me of course he wants to be with me.
It's a shame, because we can get on great, we have a lot in common and such. But sometimes he just doesn't seem happy. His favourite thing seems to be smoking dope, and he smokes a hell of a lot. He doesn't seem to have much enthusiasm to do anything at all.
I'm not sure if it's the weed or it's because he isn't happy with me. I just want him to be happy, though. I have no idea what to do. I admit i've acted insecure in the past about my looks and about other girls, and I know it must have been annoying. I don't say stuff like that now, and my self-esteem has improved.
I genuinely love him and want to make it work. But i'm not sure if he really is happy with me, and wants to stay, or he feels guilty and isn't sure what to do. I've gone to stay with relatives for a few days, which is good as it gives me time to think.
I have no idea what to do, and would be so grateful for any help. Thanks a lot.
Original post by Anonymous
He has openly admitted that there is a possibility he would leave me for someone, who he'd be more attracted to, better with, etc. He used to say stuff like I was the only one, etc. but now he never says a thing like that.
He started raging, saying I was a nightmare and it was hell living with me, and started throwing stuff at me.
He has openly admitted that there is a possibility he would leave me for someone, who he'd be more attracted to, better with, etc. He used to say stuff like I was the only one, etc. but now he never says a thing like that.
He started raging, saying I was a nightmare and it was hell living with me, and started throwing stuff at me.
Don't stand for this. . .abuse, and lack of love and care.
Get rid.
You're wasting your time in a relationship where he is being pretty controlling and emotionally abusive. As above poster has said, get rid. That's not a healthy relationship at all.
He's blaming you for everything and you're believing him.
Posted from TSR Mobile
He's blaming you for everything and you're believing him.
Posted from TSR Mobile
This honestly sounds like it's not a healthy relationship, and there's no denying there's an aspect of emotional abuse happening from him to you. Don't blame yourself for problems in this relationship and give him excuses for what he's been doing, I hope you can find the courage to break up with him and find someone who will treat you better 
Definitely abuse. Don't change yourself for other people, especially if you're insecure. It'll make your insecurities bigger.
The most attractive trait in anyone is confidence. If he tells you he doesn't like something you wear but you wear it anyway, he'll still be attracted to you. If he slaps you, slap him back (figuratively speaking). If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.
The most attractive trait in anyone is confidence. If he tells you he doesn't like something you wear but you wear it anyway, he'll still be attracted to you. If he slaps you, slap him back (figuratively speaking). If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.
Thanks a lot, I'm so scared, I really love him, I genuinely think I cause a lot of the problems, I must annoy him all the time...
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks a lot, I'm so scared, I really love him, I genuinely think I cause a lot of the problems, I must annoy him all the time...
No.
This is what he has conditioned you to believe.
He has abused you, emotionally, and is controlling you emotionally.
You think you love him, but you cant get enough air to breathe to see the world around you.
He is stifling you and whatever you do will never be enough.
Listen, you need to remind yourself that you do NOT need him. You CAN survive without him. You did before you met him.
Spend your energy on someone who thinks you're precious. Not this idiot.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks a lot, I'm so scared, I really love him, I genuinely think I cause a lot of the problems, I must annoy him all the time...
Honestly I think you both should part ways. It sounds like you both are unhappy a lot of the time together - as hard as it may be for you to leave it may be the best thing to do... He is emotionally abusing you... He shouldn't be doing half the things he is doing - he is playing on the fact that you are very insecure and trying to twist things around so that they are your fault when in actual fact they aren't. It isn't healthy at all and he should be ashamed of himself. Sometimes relationships just break down and people change, I'm sure you could find someone 100 times better than him.
Thanks so much for these replies, and I can assure you this is not a troll, though I wish it was. There are a list of other things, but I would be here all day. Seeing these replies, all of which have the same opinions, has made me see sense. He clearly isn't happy, and neither am I. He's admitted that he lies about me to his colleagues because he's embarrassed of the way I act.
I've stayed because he has been very nice sometimes. Sometimes he has given me very kind words and advice, done nice things, tried to make me feel good, and that's why I stay. I thought I must have been ungrateful, nobody can be perfect, I should appreciate him more.
But he'll be joking one minute that I'm flabby, I have bad teeth etc. then he'll wonder why I am insecure about the way I look and why I cry. I can't make him feel like my father, even though I don't ask him to do loads of things for me, I can cook, clean, and other things efficiently. I should add that I live in his country with him, so sometimes I am unfamiliar with things, and he knows better than me.
But it's even stupid things like my eyebrows, or where I buy my clothes from. I feel like he is trying to make me look like someone he is attracted to, something like that.... I just want him to accept me as I am, as I do with him.
I'm going to leave him. I don't know how he will react, but I do just want him to be happy, and he clearly isn't with me. I'm scared really, and very low. I actually feel very horrible but I know it's the right thing. He needs someone different to me. I can't force him to stop using cannabis, but maybe I can tell him that i'm worried for his mental health. I hope he will find peace and happiness soon, with or without someone else.
I've stayed because he has been very nice sometimes. Sometimes he has given me very kind words and advice, done nice things, tried to make me feel good, and that's why I stay. I thought I must have been ungrateful, nobody can be perfect, I should appreciate him more.
But he'll be joking one minute that I'm flabby, I have bad teeth etc. then he'll wonder why I am insecure about the way I look and why I cry. I can't make him feel like my father, even though I don't ask him to do loads of things for me, I can cook, clean, and other things efficiently. I should add that I live in his country with him, so sometimes I am unfamiliar with things, and he knows better than me.
But it's even stupid things like my eyebrows, or where I buy my clothes from. I feel like he is trying to make me look like someone he is attracted to, something like that.... I just want him to accept me as I am, as I do with him.
I'm going to leave him. I don't know how he will react, but I do just want him to be happy, and he clearly isn't with me. I'm scared really, and very low. I actually feel very horrible but I know it's the right thing. He needs someone different to me. I can't force him to stop using cannabis, but maybe I can tell him that i'm worried for his mental health. I hope he will find peace and happiness soon, with or without someone else.
He's basically trying to control you and playing on your low self-esteem. Leave him before it gets even worse.
I am worried that he could be violent in the future. The other week, I laughed at something just in a jokey way, so he flickered his lighter right in my face. When we were looking for the document, he shoved me. The other day during I tried to leave the room and he stood in the doorway blocking me and asked me where I was going. I'm not sure of the best way to break up with him. I was thinking about showing him this thread in order to make him realise, but I'm worried that he's depressed, as he has actually talked about suicide once or twice in the past, and I would never want to make him feel like he should resort to anything like that, ever. He had one long-term relationship before me, but I don't know the girl at all, never met her or spoken to her and don't know where she lives, so no idea about what might've happened during their relationship.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
The other day during a fight*
Original post by Anonymous
I am worried that he could be violent in the future. The other week, I laughed at something just in a jokey way, so he flickered his lighter right in my face. When we were looking for the document, he shoved me. The other day during I tried to leave the room and he stood in the doorway blocking me and asked me where I was going. I'm not sure of the best way to break up with him. I was thinking about showing him this thread in order to make him realise, but I'm worried that he's depressed, as he has actually talked about suicide once or twice in the past, and I would never want to make him feel like he should resort to anything like that, ever. He had one long-term relationship before me, but I don't know the girl at all, never met her or spoken to her and don't know where she lives, so no idea about what might've happened during their relationship.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
He's already being violent towards you if he's shoving you. I had an ex who did stuff like this. You need to leave this person as he sounds very unstable. Do you live together under a shared tenancy?
I wouldn't show him this thread - it could anger him a lot as most people wouldn't like the idea of their personal business being discussed on a public forum and he sounds exceedingly touchy and likely to explode at the slightest provocation.
I wouldn't waste your time trying to explain the error of his ways to him. This type of person is often unable to change and you shouldn't put your own wellbeing at risk just because he's good at laying guilt trips on you.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I am worried that he could be violent in the future. The other week, I laughed at something just in a jokey way, so he flickered his lighter right in my face. When we were looking for the document, he shoved me. The other day during I tried to leave the room and he stood in the doorway blocking me and asked me where I was going. I'm not sure of the best way to break up with him. I was thinking about showing him this thread in order to make him realise, but I'm worried that he's depressed, as he has actually talked about suicide once or twice in the past, and I would never want to make him feel like he should resort to anything like that, ever. He had one long-term relationship before me, but I don't know the girl at all, never met her or spoken to her and don't know where she lives, so no idea about what might've happened during their relationship.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
Just tell him your going, you don't need him, if he doesn't like you as you then thats too bad. Just be strong and firm, don't wobble and you will be fine - if he so much as lays a hand on you get out of the situation and avoid being alone with him.
Hope this helps - and sorry about the breakdown in your relationship, these things are never nice
Original post by Anonymous
I am worried that he could be violent in the future. The other week, I laughed at something just in a jokey way, so he flickered his lighter right in my face. When we were looking for the document, he shoved me. The other day during I tried to leave the room and he stood in the doorway blocking me and asked me where I was going. I'm not sure of the best way to break up with him. I was thinking about showing him this thread in order to make him realise, but I'm worried that he's depressed, as he has actually talked about suicide once or twice in the past, and I would never want to make him feel like he should resort to anything like that, ever. He had one long-term relationship before me, but I don't know the girl at all, never met her or spoken to her and don't know where she lives, so no idea about what might've happened during their relationship.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
I just want him to see that it's wrong to control people. I want him to be with someone who makes him really happy, because I clearly don't. I just want us to both be free.
As others have said, this is not a good relationship, he puts you down, he is shoving you sorry but this is pretty much abuse. You need to get out, just be honest and tell him you've had enough.
Original post by aeon439
He's already being violent towards you if he's shoving you. I had an ex who did stuff like this. You need to leave this person as he sounds very unstable. Do you live together under a shared tenancy?
I wouldn't show him this thread - it could anger him a lot as most people wouldn't like the idea of their personal business being discussed on a public forum and he sounds exceedingly touchy and likely to explode at the slightest provocation.
I wouldn't waste your time trying to explain the error of his ways to him. This type of person is often unable to change and you shouldn't put your own wellbeing at risk just because he's good at laying guilt trips on you.
I wouldn't show him this thread - it could anger him a lot as most people wouldn't like the idea of their personal business being discussed on a public forum and he sounds exceedingly touchy and likely to explode at the slightest provocation.
I wouldn't waste your time trying to explain the error of his ways to him. This type of person is often unable to change and you shouldn't put your own wellbeing at risk just because he's good at laying guilt trips on you.
Yeah you're right, I'm not looking to humiliate him, but I just wanted a way for him to really see that his actions are wrong, because he surely won't listen to me. He's bringing out the worst in me; I cry a lot, I'm stressed, walking on eggshells, I just can't relax. But yeah, I won't show him the thread. We do have a shared tenancy, of which we have around 6 weeks left unfortunately. I'm not sure where I would go, I don't really have any close friends in that country. I know someone but I doubt they can put me up for more than a few days. If he won't change for me, I hope things would be different with his next girlfriend, I just hope.
Original post by Spongebob'sPants
No.
This is what he has conditioned you to believe.
He has abused you, emotionally, and is controlling you emotionally.
You think you love him, but you cant get enough air to breathe to see the world around you.
He is stifling you and whatever you do will never be enough.
Listen, you need to remind yourself that you do NOT need him. You CAN survive without him. You did before you met him.
Spend your energy on someone who thinks you're precious. Not this idiot.
This is what he has conditioned you to believe.
He has abused you, emotionally, and is controlling you emotionally.
You think you love him, but you cant get enough air to breathe to see the world around you.
He is stifling you and whatever you do will never be enough.
Listen, you need to remind yourself that you do NOT need him. You CAN survive without him. You did before you met him.
Spend your energy on someone who thinks you're precious. Not this idiot.
This is excellent advice. Take it, OP.
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