How to slow it down but keep it moving foward?

Me and my ex (we split up in May and haven't seen each other since the start of June) keep on flirting all the time, in innuendo-laden texts and almost daily phonecalls - I know this shouldn't seem like a problem and most people would be saying "go for it!".

However, she is fairly certain that, for the moment, at least, we should remain friends. Which sounds good to me, also, since it would be an explosively destructive relationship (to say the least), since there is little actual trust between us and for the moment (nothing major, just that we split up, didn't have much contact for a month and then dove back into texting after losing the trust we had built up before), we have to rebuild that trust, which is why we are remaining friends. We were probably going to meet up properly again sometime next weekend. We were still quite flirty but up until today it was only light and jokey.

Today, we went a little too over the top with the texts and messaged pretty indepth about stuff 'just friends' shouldn't be chatting about. Because it was just innuendo and not explicitly saying the things (although it was pretty obvious anyway), I feigned innocence when it went way past the line (about lunchtime) and texted her saying so - she of course knew I knew what we were saying and I was stupid to claim otherwise (it was an attack of nerves realising we'd basically ****ed up the whole "just friends for the moment" business).

Needless to say, after a brief phonecall about half an hour ago, the general jist of my side of the conversation was "sorry, it was me that took it too far, I am sorry for feigning innocence when I got worried, let's just go back to how it was yesterday" whereas hers was "we obviously still have problems, I was talking too openly - as much as you were, and we obviously can't remain 'just friends', we need way more time before we meet", which I suppose is also sort of true.

I am not asking which of us is right, I know it is sort of a mix between them...but how can I put it back on the right track without taking a massive step backwards?...because I am off to uni in September and don't want a big grudge being left when there could be a great friendship provided we don't push it too fast like we did today...as it had been going great so far. How long should I leave it before texting as friends do again? (I'm not asking in terms of hours or days, just as in what emotional state should I be waiting for?) Have you been in the same situation? What did you do? What would you do if you were in my situation?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Text her now. Or better - email. Emails are longer so you can explain more. The whole "leave some time to pass" thing is crap.

Tell her exactly what you told us. Your relationship seems to lack some trust and you're playing games and making innuendos instead of saying how you actually feel. It's all a mask that you need to put away.

Tell her exactly how you feel in a very open email and apologize. Just tell her exactly what you told us and it should work. There's no way she can penalize you for your honesty.

Reply 2

sweetface.

Why did you break up? Thats what you did not say, it sounds like you should have not broken up in the first place.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Lyndzxx

Why did you break up? Thats what you did not say, it sounds like you should have not broken up in the first place.

Yeah, we should've. I upset her friends and she didn't want to keep the 'boyfriend' part of her life and her 'friends' part of her life separate, which is totally fair.

The people I mainly have to prove my 'worth' to are her friends, via her - she would not trust me unless she knows I wouldn't do it again, which is why the trust has to be build up on my part. On her part, it is the fact that she left without fighting for me much in the first place, giving up when it got a bit tough, which hurt me a lot...yes she's been friends for a longer time with them than she was with me but it still hurts when your girlfriend totally abandons you - she needs me to trust her that should it get a bit tough again, she will at least give me a chance to make reparations before casting me aside, letting it become irreparable.

Finally, the time apart was just to give her mates time to get over that I upset them. How did I upset them? It doesn't really matter, but it was 'fairly' serious and they wouldn't have just accepted her carrying on seeing me as my girlfriend and as their friend, my ex values their acceptance.

My problem is not what happened in the past (and yes, I do honestly regret it and must have shown it, which is why my ex started to feel comfy knowing me again) - it is what can happen in the future.

Reply 4

sweetface.

Well to me it sounds like she not only wanted a relationship with you, but for you to be firends with her friends which is okay on a certain degree, but then again the way that they were invovled it sounds like the were a little too much in your relationship, you should not be proveing your love to her to her firends. A relationship is about the both of you not her firends.

To be honest, she's not all that worth it, if she says that you upset her firends. You started this ex relationship for the both of you not her firends. Why the heck are they upset? Sorry but to me thats just too werid.

I have said this before, but Ex's should just stay as your ex, they are your ex for a reason so don't date them again otherwise you will have to deal with all the c**p that was there when you were dating them before. Do you understand what i am saying here?

Why regret the past? To me you sounded like you did everything for her, but her firends got it the way all the time. I think you should try to move on, make it clear to your ex that you just what to stay firends. Try to talk to her less then, this will help you not to get invovled in her too much.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

It really wasn't that - I didn't upset her friends by dating her or anything like that. I actually upset and angered her friends in a very big specific way (that I won't go into on here, sorry, just know that her friends pretty much hate me for deserved reasons) that made them scared for my ex, wanting her not to know me. I was very much the one in the wrong here - I wouldn't be proving my love for my ex to them, I'd be proving that I am now someone they shouldn't be scared for my ex to know, because she herself trusts me.

I did not do 'everything for her' - I totally betrayed our relationship by angering some of the people that she was even closer to than me (and don't say she was a bad girlfriend for having people closer to her than her boyfriend - she's known them for years, I've only known her for months). However, as I said, I have since shown regret and change and my ex trusts this and would like to be friends, at least while the trust builds up and probably beyond. Her friends would very much be part of our relationship - because they are a massive part of her life, as much as if not more so than her family. Imagine if you had a boyfriend that your mum and dad actively discouraged you from seeing and everytime you saw him, you'd feel bad because you are going against what they think is good for you.

Could she easily tell them "I can trust him, he has changed"? Technically, yes, but they aren't ready to hear it yet. So we have just been getting along in a 'bubble', trying to be 'just friends' but it lapses into flirting - or even if it isn't obvious flirting, it is just a little too much chatting and too much 'letting each other know what is going on in our lives' than even most friends would be.

I don't want to just cut it all off, because we are good friends, we always were, before we even got together. It would be stupid to cut each other out of each other's lives when we get on so well most of the time. I just want to move it foward beyond this 'blip' (both in terms of her trust and her willingness to consider telling her friends that she is/was beginning to trust me) without taking a massive step backwards to where we were a few weeks ago, needing all the trust we build up in those two weeks to disappear again with an innuendo-ish converation gone too far.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

The point was that the friends thing is sort of another matter - at the moment it is between us and the emotions between us and a possibly mess-up in those, not even thinking about her friends for the moment.

It doesn't seem to matter much anymore anyway, because I got a text from her half an hour ago:

The text

Ur undaestimatin how annoyd i actuly am.[a joint friend] was @ d party+sed ud reasurd him only a cupl of weeks ago that we wer stil goin out.We'r not!i want u 2 get th@ clear wiv ur m8s+stop alowin them 2 fink th@+alowin urself 2 fink [email protected] realy am pissd off @ [email protected]@+th@ prank earlia HAS set us bak-ther r obv probs

('That prank' is referring to the whole innuendo thing).

I wasn't aware that I had reassured that friend that we were still together, sure I hadn't made it crystal clear but I thought that saying stuff like "we were with each other for eight and a bit months" (when he asked how long we had been going out) and "well, I think she's okay, I guess" (when he asked how she was) would be pretty clear indicators that we aren't still going out.

So whatever happens, that's just another rung further down the ladder. I really don't know how to recover even a friendship from this anymore or if it's worth trying because...I know with a little bit of work and both of us doing the right things, it could work, there's just so many hurdles and misunderstandings that are bound to happen first and I don't know if it's worth working through them. I'm really not in denial by the way, I've never considered her my girlfriend or anything close to one since we split up, just to make that clear.