possible ED/depression trigger - advice needed.

Ok. I'm going into overdrive on the self-harming at the moment, and I think I need...something. Support, advice, I don't know.

I'm drinking less and less water. I want to feel dehydration, I want to feel so faint that I pass out. I want to damage my body so badly.
I know exactly what my body is craving, what I'm deficient in - salts and sugars. I can feel it, and I know that I'm craving it - and its a deficiency craving, not just a general "I want chocolate" craving.
At the same time, I'm insistent on losing weight, the ED is coming back in full force, I'm eating less and less, and I can feel the anorexic trail of thought coming back - The whole "their plate is smaller than my plate", "I can see everything wrong with me in the mirror" type thinking.
Paranoia levels are at full blow, I'm adamant that everyone hates me. I really don't think, or at least understand why, anyone likes me. And people who I don't know, who I just see on the street, are all looking at me and judging me.
Sleep patterns are awful. I'm sleeping two hours-ish a night, which really isn't helping, but I really can't sleep any more.
And the depression - well, I don't have depression - depression has me.
I cannot simply face getting out of bed in the morning. I can't get up, I can't hold up a conversation. My mind is all over the place, nothing fits, nothing follows in an organised pattern. I'm stuck in another world, in another planet. I cling on to people, on to friends - but I don't have conversations or relationships with them, I'm just so **** scared of being abandoned.
I can't get up for school. I can't face college, seeingpeople, doing things, being trapped. I want to sleep for the next hundred years or something.

I'm becoming fascinated by death, by morbid things like violence and self harm and pain. And its really quite odd.

I see a psychotherapist three times a week - but we really don't get very far. And I see a psychiatrist once a month, but again, we don't really get anywhere. I'm running out of ideas - I'm trying to sustain myself and hold myself up, but I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. The psych gives me basic ideas - eat more and sleep more - but its a hell of a lot easier to say than to do.

So...any advice, support, bitchey comments...anything? Thank you. And sorry about the rant.

Reply 1

Juno

20

If your psychotherapist and psychiatrist aren't really helping, then could you ask to see another one? Or maybe go back to your doctor (or wherever refered you) and ask if there's anything different you could try.

It's probably worth going back to your doctor again anyway, as they may be able to prescribe something like sleeping tablets as a temporary which would help you get over this really bad bit. I don't know how you feel about medication, but I found that sleeping tablets helped me get to sleep and then that sorta helped put everything else in perspective as I wasn't so exhausted all of the time.

Reply 2

Doodahdoo

OP

13

Thanks so much, honey. Indeed - I thought about seeing my doctor - but I didn't want to go if the doctors just thought I was overreacting or something.

Thanks for your advice. x x x

Reply 3

darryl

13

Its great that you've realised what you're thinking and that you're not doing so great, thats the first step to better things :smile:

How long have you been seeing your psychotherapist and psychiatrist for? These things can take a long time to reach a conclusion and any sort of understanding and meaningful solution. However, if you feel that you are just not getting along with them, then thats a different story.

I'm not going to patronise you by telling you drink more and get some sleep but I wish you the best of luck with everything :smile:

Reply 4

generalebriety

16

I don't mean to nag, but the one thing that might help you think more clearly about this situation (and I don't mean think "better") is to drink a lot of water... being ill and run-down and tired and dehydrated isn't good. I found that when I was depressed, although not quite as badly as this. I had hypersomnia (still do) rather than insomnia - so I end up sleeping an average of 16 hours a night, at least when I don't have school, which I only get up for because I can feel the depression coming on because of my parents. :confused:

Well, I don't want this to turn into a discussion about me... just know that your psychiatrist does know best, and although he/she doesn't know everything about you, it might be worth trying his/her ideas for a few days before finally condemning yourself as incurable. Suicide is a one-way street. (Edit: I refused counselling myself. Not good. Don't follow in my footsteps. :smile:

)

Hope you feel better soon. :redface:

Sorry I couldn't be of much help...

Reply 5

Juno

20

Simulatio

Thanks so much, honey. Indeed - I thought about seeing my doctor - but I didn't want to go if the doctors just thought I was overreacting or something.

Thanks for your advice. x x x

It's very hard to judge things yourself, because when you become really you've been getting there slowly for a while, and thus can't remember feeling "normal". So what you're feeling now feels like normal for you. But it doesn't have to be.

If you don't want to go to your doctor, you could discuss things with your current psychiatrist/psychotherepist, as they'll have treated hundreds of people and will be able to tell you if you're doing well. They also might be able to suggest other things if necessary, or even just arrange for you to see a different person if you wanted.

*possible ED/depression trigger* - advice needed.

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possible ED/depression trigger - advice needed.