The Student Room Group

In A Bit Of A Mess...

I met a guy in October. We started dating, and e did not indicate that he wanted a 'sex-only' relationship. Anyway, that's what we have now. We're both at Uni, he's 25, i'm 19. We get on realy well, and are very similar in terms of bacground, personality etc. I know that sounds a bit sad, but these things do make a difference, and he's commented on them himself. I see him at least once a week, only to have sex, we never go out or anything. I think he must suspect that I like him, as he said that he ''doesn't want to hurt me, but e doesn't want a relationship, and that if I do ave feelins for him, e doesn't want to get too involved''. Or words to that effect.
I'm not the sort of person to have these kind of 'relationships' and I'd propbably have been te first to condemn a girl in this position.
Believe it or not, he's kind, considerate and really, ahem, attentive. It's not all about his pleasure. In fact, if I had a boyfriend who treated me the way he does wen I'm with im, I'd be the luckiest girl alive. He ad a 4 year relationship with a girl, which he broke off. That was two years ao, and e claims not to want a relationship with anyone.
he also claims not to be slleping with any other girl, which his housemates clarify. He insisted that we go to an STI clinic recently aswell, we were both clear, but I went along with it.
Now please don't tink I'm being big-headed or anything, but I am attractive
and get lots of attention from males. The guy in question is a pro sportsman and is a Blue for a presigious Oxford University team. This is irrelevant, but i'm just tryin to explain that I'm not desperate. My friends, whom, I'm close to (I value loyaty in friendships, this isnt being said wit a lack of sincerity) dont know the true extent of our relationship, they presume we're a little more official. I suppose I'm too embarrassed to admit the truth.
I think half my problem is that I go for guys who are a little out-of-my league..lol
I generally feel quite low right now. I lost my sister last May and he's the first person I've become close to since. He's really sensitive and as talked through alot of it with me and even got his team-mates from te team e used to play for prior to Oxford (cant specify for anonymity rsons!) to sign a ball as he knew that my sisters son liked the team. I was really touched that and I supose its things like that that've made me develop feelings for him.

Anyway, and here's where I actually get to the point!....

I spoke to him an hour ago. I'm up in Oxford on Weds to hand an essay in. He's doing his dissertation so apparently cant see me. Admittedly he's a little stressed at the moment, but as quite snappy on the phone. He 'joked' that I had been pesterin him, as I'd sent him two texts in the past two days, asking to see him. I'm doing voluntary work in Africa, which has just come up. I leave on fri, and I'm there for two weeks. I told him that I dont know when I'm back, because his comment had hurt me, it was out of character. He sent me an email after the phone call, as I'd hung up, light-heartedy telling me to stop being grumpy and that I shouldnt expext to get my own way.
He's told me to call him before I leave.

Now, I know I'm only away for two weeks. But, should I call him before friday? Should I tell him exactly when I'm back? I kind of made out that I could potentially be away til Sept. Would it be wise to make it clear that I'm reluctant to contact him, due to his comment rearding my 'pestering'?

Any advice greatly apprecieated. Sorry for the length

x

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sounds like you're getting owned. GG him.
Reply 2
It sounds like he knows where he is in the relationship, and what he wants from it, which is by no means a bad thing. If you understand what he wants out of it then you should make sure you never feel he owes you more and never try to make him change. If further down the line he does want a proper relationship, then alls well and good. But let him make that call, and in the meantime just play by his rules for as long as it keeps you happy.

Even if he was half-joking about the pestering, you should still be careful. Give him plenty of space and wait until just before you leave to call him, like he had suggested. Definitely avoid anything that he might consider to be pestering. It sounds like giving him space isn't going to mean you instantly fall apart, whereas if you give him too little things may well end up going the wrong way. :smile:
Reply 3
Well, if he genuinely didn't want to hurt you - he would refuse to have sex with you cus surely that only bonds people and therefore have risks of hurting you, when he knows full well he doesn't want a relationship. And if sex means nothing and you two are just "doing it", despite the fact that he suspects you like him, then he obviously doesn't care enough. Besides, how can the body of anyone ever be "nothing" to anyone? Despite popular belief, sex can't be completely "meaningless" and where it actually is meaningless for the people involved, then they disrespect each other and themselves.

For your own sake, break it off with him. Stay friends if you want - but stop going to him for sex. This guy does NOT want a relationship. Face that fact. He's not yours and has no duty to see you, considering you're wanting to see him presumably not as a normal friend.

I think your problem is - you're simply emotional at the moment cus of your sister and you need someone to be there for you. Giving away your body to someone who doesn't want you for your heart is not the way to go about it. If he will have sex with you but not a real relationship then he obviously wants you just for your body. Having sex with him will not get you security or support or comfort. It'll just confuse you more and get you more attached to him, all the while knowing he's not yours. Stop hurting yourself. Turn to a close friend for support and tell them about this. You need a friend to love and comfort and support you, not sympathy sex.
Thank you for you kind replies. I'm not missing the point, but how log does this thing tend to drag on for? We know more or les everything about each other. He's told me really personal things about himself and tends to ive off te impression that he's testing me. Having said that, I'm not kidding myself, it's just that it's not how I'd ever imagined a 'sex-relationship' to ever be. I've had friends who have ben in this situation and I cannot relate to their experiences. Also, it bugs me that all his friends have girlfriends. He showed me photos of a recent party he went to. Every one of his friends there was pictured with a bloddy girlfriend. On the odd occasion, he has invited me out to clubs where his friends wil be, but I'm too ashamed to, considering all his ousemates are aware of our little, erm, arrangment!
Well if this is not the sort of thing you want, then stop seeing him, he's only going to destroy your self-esteem and hurt you more, he is just having his cake and eating it.
Maybe I shall until someone who actually wants me comes along, lol.
Ignore the fact that I soulnd utterly infuriating, but as there's no-one else, I dont really mind waiting around in the hope that he'll change his mind.
Reply 7
Hey, how come you are now Anonymous 2? That confused me for a second! :p:

irisng
For your own sake, break it off with him. Stay friends if you want - but stop going to him for sex. This guy does NOT want a relationship. Face that fact. He's not yours and has no duty to see you, considering you're wanting to see him presumably not as a normal friend.


Having a sex-only arrangement with him is fine, and isn't something to break up over, unless the OP truly wants more. If they are happy with mutual gratification of the flesh then she may as well carry on - but as you said, if she's after something more then she should definitely move on.
Anonymous
Maybe I shall until someone who actually wants me comes along, lol.
Ignore the fact that I soulnd utterly infuriating, but as there's no-one else, I dont really mind waiting around in the hope that he'll change his mind.


to be honest guys like that don't normally change their minds
I dont know why it appears as '2'. Odd!

It sounds dramatic, but since I lost my sister, trivial things such as fancying guys and dating isnt as high on my agenda anymore. I'm aware that i'mnot that high on his either(!), but its just the testing and the emotional involvement that is also part of tis situation tat bugs me, and the fact that he isnt exactly enjoying lots of nights out with his many single male friends!
Reply 10
Vetinari
Hey, how come you are now Anonymous 2? That confused me for a second! :p:



Having a sex-only arrangement with him is fine, and isn't something to break up over, unless the OP truly wants more. If they are happy with mutual gratification of the flesh then she may as well carry on - but as you said, if she's after something more then she should definitely move on.


Well, I don't agree with "mutual gratification of the flesh" cus that degrades yourself and degrades the person you're having sex with. Your body is more precious than that and should be valued - not thrown around to have sex with just about anyone "just for fun". What I'm concerned with is respect for each other and doing it for solely the flesh is not respectful to him or to yourself, despite popular belief of how it really doesn't matter. Science has also shown that sex stimulates hormones that causes you to feel attached to the person.

Either way, I think Anon has made it clear that she wants more. And why would the guy change his mind? He's getting laid and getting a girl to do exactly what he wants without having to give anything back. Exactly why would a guy who cares carry on with this, and exactly why would a guy who doesn't care change his mind and not carry on with this arrangement?
Ok so had a bit of a think.

I'm thinking of maybe emailing him telling him that I'm using my initiative from his 'pestering' comment and giving him some space, and that I'm back on x date, if e wants to get in touch after that time. Then leave it up to him.

Up until now, i've kinda given everything away. I'm myself with him, and treat him as I would a friend, or even boyfriend. This has happened only because e has responded to this by being open and kind of quite compassionate with me in return. Instead, i've considered canging my ways a little. Ok a lot. If he wants just sex, then surely it should remain at that. By taking away the emotional side of it, I'm curious as to how he'd respond. As i've said, I'm not expecting too much, despite wanting him to want me back. But the truth of the matter is that my priority are my nephews and they take up my thoughts at the end of the day, I dont lie awake worrying about him, or anything like that! But I am a sincere person, so naturally a little troubled by it.

What do you think to the plans ive detailed above?
Reply 12
You're shagging an Oxford Blue, lucky bitch.

irisng - are you a virgin?
He won't change his mind, he is using you for sex for as long as you're stupid enough to go along with it. He has already told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. That won't change so you're torturing yourself unneccesarily. Get rid of him, cos he makes you feel like crap a lot more than he ever makes you feel good.
Reply 14
Just stop having sex with him, for goodness sake! Even without my values of respect and etc it's still idiotic to carry on this way, knowing he doesn't want you and only your body. Why keep giving it to him? You're only hurting yourself and not expressing emotion does not mean you've got rid of your emotions! Hiding them from him is not the same as not having them and you'll still only hurt yourself.

And as to Narb, yes I am.
Reply 15
If she is able to say that he is kind and compassionate, and has been of some emotional support for her, then their relationship may well extend beyond the cold sex that is suggest by "he only wants you for your body". I don't think he is necessarily 'using' her - not if he is clear about what he wants, and more specifically, clear that he doesn't want an actual relationship.

Anonymous 1 & 2 - that's a reasonable plan. If you do want more than what is currently offer then put the ball into his court, and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't volley it right back.

I miss Wimbledon already. /sigh
Reply 16
Vetinari
If she is able to say that he is kind and compassionate, and has been of some emotional support for her, then their relationship may well extend beyond the cold sex that is suggest by "he only wants you for your body". I don't think he is necessarily 'using' her - not if he is clear about what he wants, and more specifically, clear that he doesn't want an actual relationship.
Anonymous 1 & 2 - that's a reasonable plan. If you do want more than what is currently offer then put the ball into his court, and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't volley it right back.

I miss Wimbledon already. /sigh


So despite having told her - I don't want a relationship - and despite full knowledge in the fact that she likes him - he STILL agrees to have sex with her. You call that not "using" her? Or ok, maybe not "using" cus maybe he does care to an extent - but you cannot say he's not deliberately putting her in harm's way. He knows this will hurt her and yet still sleeps with her, then claims that he cares. So why hurt her by sleeping with her when he knows he can't offer more?

Btw Vetinari - I'm not attacking you please don't take it the wrong way! I know my tone of writing can be rather harsh sometimes. I just seriously thinks this guy isn't as nice as Anon thinks he is. And in any case, carrying on sleeping with him is not a good idea.
deja vu with the other thread we're posting on, eh irisng? Very good advice.
Reply 18
Being "used" has the connotation that the other party is getting something out of you under false pretenses. As she knows that he just wants a sexual relationship and nothing more, he isn't necessarily a bad person.

That said, he should in theory respect the fact that she does want more and end it with her before she becomes too attached. I see what you are saying, but if she is happy with just sex for the time being then there's not necessarily any reason to break things off.

Forum posts can easily be read differently to how they were intended because they are so expressionless. If I think a post of mine sounds overly harsh I throw in a few smilies. :smile:
Vetinari
I see what you are saying, but if she is happy with just sex for the time being then there's not necessarily any reason to break things off.But does this thread sound like she's happy with just sex? The uber-post at the top suggests no.

He knows she is interested, he also know he's not wanting anything other than sex from her. Just because he announced his intentions doesn't make them honourable. He plans to sleep with someone who he already knows likes him and tell them not to get attached. He knows his actions will cause her hurt, but carries on anyway. Well with friends like that who needs enemies eh?


Hmm...*throws in a few :smile::smile:*