Can I have some feedback on my poem?

I wrote this based on a short story I read earlier.

Colours

Red, indigo, violet, blue
I see them, as I see you
Fie, fie the dagger of lust,
Yet drag you against my skin, I must

They don't see what I see in you.

Scarlet, scarlet, trickling near
The exodus of doubt and fear
Heart aflutter,
Mind into butter,

As the room becomes white and blue,
I bid you my farewells to you.

Coveted dagger my only friend,
Yet assured I am; this is the end.

6/10. Seems quite generic.

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I like it I like the use of colour to convey a bit of mood

Just a couple of things I'd change - you used blue twice, I'd say change one of those because it feels like nothing has changed, when I guess a lot has in terms of the poem. "Heart aflutter, Mind into butter" idk that line just feels a bit forced so I would change it. I like the idea but butter is gooey, golden etc which I don't think really fits the mood of the poem. Also the extra you "I bid you my farewells to you", get rid of one of them

I really like "coveted dagger"

Could you explain why?

I wrote this based on a short story I read earlier.

Colours

Red, indigo, violet, blue
I see them, as I see you
Fie, fie the dagger of lust,
Yet drag you against my skin, I must

They don't see what I see in you.

Scarlet, scarlet, trickling near
The exodus of doubt and fear
Heart aflutter,
Mind into butter,

As the room becomes white and blue,
I bid you my farewells to you.

Coveted dagger my only friend,
Yet assured I am; this is the end.

I don't feel any passion coming from the words, and it comes across as if you are trying too hard.

OP your poem was fine: there is a special section for creatives like you and i...

Creative Corner www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=139‎

How could I make it have more passion and more effortless?

can i ask are you actually passionate about poetry?

If so, write about something you are passionate about, something that will invoke real emotion.

It doesn't have to be serious. It can be funny. It can be both:



See how, even though it is serious and funny, it offers the artist's critique of the 'American Dream' and is full of emotion.

I really like the Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde:

''Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!''

I guess I'll just stop writing. Thanks for the feedback.

What I'm passionate about probably won't be good enough either.

if you're passionate about it try harder- don't be disheartened.

But I'm a bad writer

you'd be surprised.

what are you passionate about?

Nothing, to be honest.