How to charm an ex again?

About a year ago, me and my ex started going out. We were chatty online (we were friends of friends) and then decided to meet and we got on and then went out for a few months (over half a year). A couple of months ago, we split up. We haven't met in about a month.

We spent about a month and a half saying "we really should give it another go" and then her cutting off because she needed more time to get over me and have family and friend acceptance (because they were doing the whole "it didn't work once, don't waste your time again stuff) - she is a girl who doesn't let other people dictate her life but she has a massive social conscience and just feels that going in the face of what everyone else thinks is best for her is wrong.

Recently (in the past couple of weeks), we have become closer again, but only as friends. So basically, this time around, we have been chatting on a SOLELY friends level, not even saying stuff about giving it another go.

I however, last night, admitted that, to me, being just friends wouldn't be the best outcome for me because I still fancied her like mad and always have. I was saying "if there's a spark when we meet, don't work against it because although I like you, I won't be pushing for it - it has to be spontaneous and if I plan stuff like pushing it too close, it just wouldn't work anyway because it has to be a two-way thing, besides, you know that I wouldn't manipulate you to feel things that you wouldn't feel anyway...if a second chance doesn't work out or happen, I'd still love to know you as a friend because you are a great person I want in my life, I'd just sort of prefer to see if that spark is still there".

...although I was saying that, I was really hoping (and actually think) that she still sort of felt the same about giving it another go of things but was just too scared to say it in case the whole 'friends' thing in the past fortnight was giving her support in not thinking of me 'in that way' and trying to get over me so that she didn't fly in the face of what everyone else thinks she should do.

Please don't simply reply saying "you shouldn't be trying to get someone who is so concerned with what other people think anyway" and stuff like that because I know it is important to her, it is one of the reasons I like her - I generally wouldn't like someone else who would fly in the fact of their mates and family to get with an ex if they was advising otherwise. At least until that person has shown that their ex is good enough to have that second chance. It's just I'm being a bit selfish this time because it's me. Forgive me for that.

How can I show her a second chance could work and get her to think beyond 'just friends'? Obviously, I don't know if this is what she really, deep down wants, but I just have a gut feeling that she wants more but is just scared of that leap of faith...how can I just give her the reassurance that the leap of faith isn't that massive and it is possible to do it?

Reply 1

Fleece

Well, what did she say after you told her all that?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Just sort of acknowledged it...I mentioned it in a phonecall, she just sort of said "okkk" as in accepting I felt that way but also maybe accepting the second bit about wanting to be 'just friends' if a second chance couldn't work (I wasn't lying but I was hoping that wouldn't be the main thing she picked up on in all I said) more than the first. I was a bit apologetic - for maybe making it complicated again and stuff.

I then sent an email just clearing it up and sort of just stating the point again, so that she could see I was serious but not obsessive with my thoughts.

She came online tonight and just sort of talked briefly, still as friends (I mean, I did only throw it out there, I wasn't asking her to make a decision as to whether me and her should go out straight away again - just telling her that in my view, if it does start to work again, don't fight against it because we were good together and a second chance might work despite what people say - but I did obviously throw in the, perhaps predictable, bombshell that I still liked her 'in that way' too). She said she had read the email but was too tired right now to do a proper reply justice (to be fair to her, she was up early and barely sat down :p:

).

I'm just sort of scared that she'll do the whole "we really should be friends right now and I'm not willing to take that leap of faith, besides, I'm actually sort of getting over you and the friends thing is something I actually now like, not just something that we 'should' do"...but I just feel that after only two months (and even most of that was spent flirting and contemplating a second chance), all of her feelings surely couldn't be gone and maybe she's just scared to feel them again?

I just want to basically let her know that it's okay to feel those things and that if it is right, we wouldn't even dive into it anyway, just take things a little slow and see how things are working out, because there is the chance it could work because we obviously do get on great and there is that little bit of 'sexual tension' between us still.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Bump - please help me just to (1) work out where I stand in her feelings and (2) how I can just reassure her that even if she does give it another go (which I think she'd like) and it doesn't work out, it isn't the end of the world and a wasted 'try'.

Reply 4

roobyloo

Why did you break up in the first place? She may have reservations about getting back with you because it was a bad break up or whatever.

I would just keep making the effort to talk to her as a friend, maybe take it slowly at first and suggest going out places (to the pub, cinema, etc) just as friends for a bit longer. She obviously needs some time to make her mind up, and eventually she'll act on what she wants - she may be taking into account what her friends and family are saying but I think ultimately, she'll have to make her own decision.
Just give it time, I dont think you can rush it.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

roobyloo

Yeah, I've suggested going to places, but she does the whole "I need to be ready and sure and want my family and friends to know and to not keep it a secret and I'm not ready to tell them yet"...but how we are getting on right now and have since we split up, it just genuinely does feel like she IS ready in her own feelings, it's just taking the leap of faith without the backing of others that worries her.

I wouldn't convince myself of something that isn't true - that she would like a second chance when she actually doesn't, it's just that I do know her too well and I do know that the feeling is there deep down, she's just a scared of the leap.

So just, how can I reassure her it isn't that massive of a deal?

Reply 6

roobyloo

Say exactly that - try to make a light joke out of it. When she starts the "i need to be ready" thing just say, "oh you might as well go out somewhere, we've been talking a lot lately...its not like we're getting married or anything, I just want to go out as mates. Its only a trip to [insert place here], no big deal"

Try to take the focus off getting back together. If she feels pressured, she'll probably act even more cautiously about it. Act like youre happy to be friends and it'll happen naturally

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

roobylou

True.

We actually just had a deep, deep conversation about everything (interrupted by her mum and she said she was talking to me, so that's something at least - she didn't try to hide it)...however, she did say that she was more comfortable when she thought I was just friends and would have probably been less cautious about it if I hadn't said because it would have just been her natural feelings instead of taking my pro-her feelings into consideration. I admit, I messed up a bit...

Also, she said a lot of her backing away from a relationship with me was to do with how it would start again: she doesn't want to feel like she's retreading old ground in case the second time it's trod isn't as good as the first (ie - telling people we're an item and them being excited the first time wheras this time they'd be wary for her, the first party we go to together, spending the night together, sleeping together, etc), as well as the general uncomfortableness (how the hell WOULD we be able to spend the night together? I'd put my hand on her side as we're spooning and she know she'd tense up slightly, just because it's an intimate thing - that sort of thing), as WELL as her knowing she probably wouldn't be able to handle the hurt of us breaking up again (because it is an obviously probable strong possibility since we are still very young).

However, I did then send her this email:

Dear [her name],

Ok, I've been a bit of a cock recently. I'm sorry. I didn't think overly much about how you would feel things once I'd said them. I also may have been thinking too much of myself.

But I do see how you feel about things. It would hurt you if we were to get too close and for it to go wrong again. It is a hell of a lot to think about in the first place. It would be awkward retreading some ground and a little depressing wondering if it will be the same again as it was before. I do see how you feel about it all, I promise you. Which is why I wouldn't expect anything or push for things to happen if you wouldn't be comfortable with them.

But you did tell me to tell you if I thought you were questioning me too much and if I felt that you should just listen, I should tell you. So I am :-$ erm...I wouldn't ever want something from you that you weren't comfortable with. And since the few conversations we've had on the matter, I've felt crap for pushing on with the line about how a second go of things could work if you took the leap of faith into the unknown and just know that if it doesn't work out, it just doesn't but it might if you just gave it time, etc.

I don't know though, I just liked how it was in the past two weeks or so and am sorry, because I was confusing myself a bit too - I felt good being closer to you again and maybe thought too much of the 'getting close' thing and had thoughts that I don't really think in my head too. Would I like to straight-away try for a second go? Actually no. Not even if there was that spark - I'd like to just be how we were for a little while first and see if the spark was still there and then thinking a bit about what could happen instead of diving right in.

I just do like how we were, honestly, and right now I'm happy with that. Do I "fancy you like mad" like I said on the phone? I dunno - I do think you are a gorgeous girl with a great smile, cute laugh, nice hair sometimes (yes, I admit it, gah [out of quote note - it's just a running joke between us]) that I get along with and can have a joke with and even lightly flirt with sometimes knowing it IS just flirting without it pushing too close too soon into an actual relationship. However, maybe I was just thinking too much of the past and hoping for too much in the future when I'm not even sure I'd like the future to be the same as the past either (if that makes sense?)...

I do like how we are (or were before I sort of messed it up)...I think that I was just looking to the future way too much when it is best to stay in the present for the moment, that's all. Sorry that I confused you and made you think a lot,
[my name].

PS - I did mean all of that, I promise: I wasn't just saying it to make you happy. It's just I realised that I WAS thinking too much of the future when right now, or at least two days ago, I was happy with what I had and actually don't want much different right now. The future will just happen, however it does so. We shouldn't be thinking about it much right now, that's all. Take each day as it comes.

And I do mean it and see her worries and now they're my worries. However, I'd obviously still like to see what it would be like if the spark is still there (but not overly and I wouldn't push it), but she is still scared of meeting for obvious reasons (me coming on way too strong and suggesting a hell of a lot as well as that she likes other people to like what she's doing as well as her herself not being ready just yet).

That is a good idea though about joking a little with it - she would accept it and wouldn't think I was taking it too lightly (are you her? you seem to know her exact sense of humour :p:

) and yeah, hopefully I have taken the focus off being together with that email because I sort of need it too now :p:

although I still do feel that way and would be incredibly jealous if she got with someone else - it's hard not to think of the future when judging how to act in the present (how you act now will always be a sign of how you want the future to be)...

So, was the email a good one? I'm really worried about how she'll feel about it now and wonder if I was just messing with her feelings :frown:

Anyone else have any similar experiences? What did you do if you had an ex that was wary? Were you a wary ex that eventually thought "feck it, I'll give it another go because I do like him/her still"? Etc.