I need feed back on my creative writing task... GSCE

Watch
chocolatesauce
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#1
so my topic is on journeys, I have chosen to do a journey to hell, any comments would be appreciated “Life’s a journey”. Journeys are moments in life that defineand reconstruct the legacy we create about ourselves and others. An individualmuch like me must travel to different communities and discover his or her owntrue identity. On such a journey one can expect moments of planned reflectionor unexpected instances of revelation. A journey is every minute of myexistence, as I travel through life and try to ascertain my own presence in itscycle.
So why am I going to place where eternal suffering is theonly source and truth? God must be repaying me for the dirty sins I rendered onEarth and dare I repent, what difference does it make. This is my destiny andfate, we all have one, mine just happened to end here.
I’m getting further away from where I belong, my world, mylife. Like a thief the clouds slowly steals away the light stopping any ray ofsunlight. The grey clouds roll over the hill bringing darkness from above. Mywalls are tumbling down. The windows of my eyes are broken by the thick ash andswirling smoke, orange flames begin licking my skin, dancing just on thesurface. No human emerged. The air was a blast of heat hitting me full in theface; I could feel my eyebrows searing, and I could smell the scent of burninghair. The fire flicked at me like a snake, smiling at me; a warm welcome me tohell.
I felt the muscles of my heart tighten with incredibleforce, sending gushes of blood down my veins in a single movement. Although Iwas weak my breath quickened and I used every muscle in my body to stifle awhimper. My heart was pounding in my chest, my body shaking and my terrorfilled eyes were wide and stood out against my pale skin. There was a bittertaste in the back of my mouth that I couldn't seem to get rid of and my breathwas coming out in ragged gasps. I didn't know what to do and I could barelythink over the rising tide of cold fear. I could tell the devil wasapproaching.
People fear death even more than pain. It's strange thatthey fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death…or so they say. At the point of death, the pain is over... orso they say. They say you can’t breathe after death but how comes every breathis like a bullet to the lungs, like a wave of shrapnel forcibly encrusting inthe heart. The ashes are burning every cell in my body; it’s running around inmy torn veins and what little blood I have left. I am sorry god, please forgiveme, I am desperately repenting for my mistakes. I do not want to carry on withthis inhumane journey and become at one with the devil.
This is the end and truly a journey to hell…
0
reply
chocolatesauce
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#2
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#2
anyone???
0
reply
rocket0612
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#3
Report 7 years ago
#3
I would look at how you can apply literary devices to your essay. Look at things like alliteration, synesthesia, similies/metaphors, allusions, anaphoras, etc.

I hope this helps.
Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
chocolatesauce
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#4
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#4
(Original post by rocket0612)
I would look at how you can apply literary devices to your essay. Look at things like alliteration, synesthesia, similies/metaphors, allusions, anaphoras, etc.

I hope this helps.
Posted from TSR Mobile
finally someone, thanks
0
reply
r_u_jelly
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#5
Report 7 years ago
#5
I like it and the use of the ellipsis at the end is good for dramatic impact.
0
reply
chocolatesauce
Badges: 18
Rep:
?
#6
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#6
(Original post by r_u_jelly)
I like it and the use of the ellipsis at the end is good for dramatic impact.
thanks
0
reply
rocket0612
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#7
Report 7 years ago
#7
I dunno if this is a bit much for gcse, but considering the subject matter of what you are writing about i think if you could in some way allude to or reference book 1 of paradise lost it would add a lot to your essay. Maybe this is too advanced for gcse though.

Also, maybe think about the use of abstractions/oxymorons like Milton did, like describing hell as a place with "darkness visible".



Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Who is winning Euro 2020

France (84)
26.01%
England (109)
33.75%
Belgium (27)
8.36%
Germany (38)
11.76%
Spain (6)
1.86%
Italy (31)
9.6%
Netherlands (10)
3.1%
Other (Tell us who) (18)
5.57%

Watched Threads

View All