Ex boyfriend won&#x27;t leave me alone.

Anonymous

I broke up with my boyfriend a little while ago. We had been seeing each other for a year and a half. It hurt me too but in the two weeks since he hasn't let me alone!!!

He calls and texts me everyday basically saying how sad he is and how his life is over now,and he can't 'take it anymore'!!

The thing is, I'm gutted as well that it came to this and I do miss him, but rather than brooding on it I am living my life and surrounding myself with friends, whereas he has sunk into depression. To make matters worse he has an illness which affects a big part of his life, and he is making me feel like I have made it worse.

This is pretty much the last straw now. Last night I topped up my mobile with ten pounds and used it to make a phone call, so I had £9, 80 or somthing, he had texted me but I had forgotten cause I was at work. This morning my mobile rang and it was o2 saying my balance was £19, 80, the big poo had topped up my mobile. Then I got a message from him saying he did it so I could talk to him but I must have ben ignoring him cause I lied about having credit. To be honest I don't feel I have to explain my situation to him at all!

I don't really know what I want from posting this. I just need to get him off my back all the time, I'm NOT his property and I can do whatever I like! How can I get this through to him? How can I help him help himself? :frown:

"I'm not his property" is something people normally say when they know they have a moral obligation to do something but they don't want to do it, so claim free will. Yeah, sure, you can refuse to acknowledge him, but after a year and a half, two weeks isn't going to sort much out. Especially with his "illness" (what is that?). I'm sorry, but if you have managed to get over a boyfriend of a year and a half in under two weeks... I don't believe you. :confused:

Either you weren't as close to him as he thought you were (in which case I have no respect for you) or... you're lying, and you haven't got over him. Why did you split up?

I could easily give you nasty things to do to him that will show him you're "not his property", but doubtless other people will do that, and shout at me for this, but here's something to think about... if you genuinely loved someone that much and had been with them for so long would you want them suddenly being cold and nasty to you and generally showing you they're "not your property"?

*waits for neg rep and shouty comments* :rolleyes:

Reply 2

OP

Well I appreciate your post.
I'm not 'over' him, I'm just trying not to brood on the situation. I need space, the main reason we broke up. The other ones being his excessive paranoia and the fact that he never did anything for himself and only ever for me.

He has ulcerative colitis, it means he has alot of pain and discomfort, bloody stools and other nasty things. Difficult periods are often triggered by stress.... e.g. me.

I don't want to have to ignore him completely I just want him to understand that crying down the phone to me 15 times a day isn't going to 'win me back' which I know is how he sees this as he has told me. I want to be his friend but I need him to chill out first!

Reply 3

Anonymous

Well I appreciate your post.
I'm not 'over' him, I'm just trying not to brood on the situation. I need space, the main reason we broke up. The other ones being his excessive paranoia and the fact that he never did anything for himself and only ever for me.

Bloody hell. I'd kill for someone to treat me like that once in a while. Almost no one I know even realises anyone other than themselves exists. Anyway, it's not brooding on the situation to speak to him, you know. Especially when he's paying for it (financially and emotionally). You have very little excuse if you're the one who broke it off, too, and I think you're very coldhearted if you don't care about him now or something. If you do, what's stopping you speaking to him? Besides... he was right to be paranoid, you ended up splitting up. I suppose there is some truth in the saying "nice guys finish last". It seems the more careful you are to make sure you don't lose people... the nicer you treat them, the more wary and paranoid you are, the more precautions you take... the more they want someone less "boring".

Oh well. Trust me, other people will be along soon telling me what a horrible mean bastard I am for saying this and you're incredibly right. But that's my opinion - you don't care about him, and you're trying to justify it with "I do care but I need space / he doesn't own me / I can do what I like / I don't have to explain myself to him". From a strictly black-and-white one-sided human rights point of view, this is true... on the other hand, if you're willing to take the social responsibilities of being a human as well as the rights, and if you have any compassion for the guy you loved for a year and a half and dumped because he was too nice to you, you'll speak to him.

Reply 4

OP

Right, well you obviously have zero understanding of what it is like, to comfort your 20 year old boyfriend who is almost in tears because the barman in the club winked at you. I spent every night waiting for him to get back, and I'm sorry if I couldn't cope with that at uni too.
Or that now I'm to blame that he quit his London job andmoved near to me when I was happy for it to work LD!

Now I feel like I can't even do anything without him watching me. I am trying to keep in touch but when I mentioned I was going out on friday he was asking me where would I be, what time, how was I getting home, where was I staying.

There has been NO change since we broke up! I think you misunderstood me, I do talk to him but I'm getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over again!

Reply 5

Anonymous

Right, well you obviously have zero understanding of what it is like, to comfort your 20 year old boyfriend who is almost in tears because the barman in the club winked at you. I spent every night waiting for him to get back, and I'm sorry if I couldn't cope with that at uni too.
Or that now I'm to blame that he quit his London job andmoved near to me when I was happy for it to work LD!

Now I feel like I can't even do anything without him watching me. I am trying to keep in touch but when I mentioned I was going out on friday he was asking me where would I be, what time, how was I getting home, where was I staying.

There has been NO change since we broke up! I think you misunderstood me, I do talk to him but I'm getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over again!

Aye, but as I said, in the end, he was right to be paranoid, wasn't he? You split up with him. You were happy for the relationship to work long distance when it's obvious to anyone that long distance relationships pretty much just don't work. No wonder he was paranoid, I would have been. :confused:

Everyone is worried for their boyfriend/girlfriend generally, but when you're getting signs like "no, I'm fine with a long distance relationship, I can handle not seeing you more than 5 times a year", I'd imagine you'd get paranoid you were going to end up splitting up... which you did.

I reckon your boyfriend's seen this coming for a while. And I think I was right when I said you were more important to him than he was to you... if not, that's certainly true now. And I'm willing to bet that he's twice as upset as you are. You might see it as overreaction and paranoia, but (take it from a paranoid person) he will see your reaction as indifferent, uncaring, dismissive, cruel and cold.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Then I got a message from him saying he did it so I could talk to him but I must have ben ignoring him cause I lied about having credit. To be honest I don't feel I have to explain my situation to him at all!

Yeah, he seems really obsessive. It seems like he's not getting the message about you needing space... When he's crying down the phone to you, do you say much? I think if you show any sympathy towards him, he might think that he's changing your mind. Tell him you're sorry it had to end this way, but don't get emotional with him or tell him you've missed him or that you're sad about breaking up with him.

He'll get over things, I suppose you just have to give it time.

Reply 7

Wow. What a heartless pair of anonymities you are. Don't show emotion to the guy you split up with a fortnight ago who you'd spent 18 months of your life with.

Reply 8

HereFishyFishy

13

generalebriety

Bloody hell. I'd kill for someone to treat me like that once in a while. Almost no one I know even realises anyone other than themselves exists. Anyway, it's not brooding on the situation to speak to him, you know. Especially when he's paying for it (financially and emotionally). You have very little excuse if you're the one who broke it off, too, and I think you're very coldhearted if you don't care about him now or something. If you do, what's stopping you speaking to him? Besides... he was right to be paranoid, you ended up splitting up. I suppose there is some truth in the saying "nice guys finish last". It seems the more careful you are to make sure you don't lose people... the nicer you treat them, the more wary and paranoid you are, the more precautions you take... the more they want someone less "boring".

Oh well. Trust me, other people will be along soon telling me what a horrible mean bastard I am for saying this and you're incredibly right. But that's my opinion - you don't care about him, and you're trying to justify it with "I do care but I need space / he doesn't own me / I can do what I like / I don't have to explain myself to him". From a strictly black-and-white one-sided human rights point of view, this is true... on the other hand, if you're willing to take the social responsibilities of being a human as well as the rights, and if you have any compassion for the guy you loved for a year and a half and dumped because he was too nice to you, you'll speak to him.

Oh, come on, the OP never said that she won't talk to him. His excessive calling is the thing that is pushing her away. And perhaps he wasn't right to be paranoid, that this paranoia has in fact pushed her away, as ironic as it is.

You make it sound like this girl is entirely responsible for her boyfriend and that he should be given a prize for 'paying financially and emotionally'. I know that I would be furious if somebody paid for my top-up, just so they could talk to me. It's just too controlling. What if the OP was busy at work, hence couldn't talk to him? That'd get him more/stressed/worried sad, making it just as bad for him. He can't pay her 10 quid and expect an emotional maid 24/7.
Your post would mean a lot more if she was refusing to speak to the guy, but she isn't. She just wants to limit contact in order to recover herself. Don't insult her by saying she doesn't care for him - it's just silly. People don't stick around for 1 1/2 years if they don't give a toss, especially when it's long distance.

Yes, it may be very nice that her boyfriend always thinks about her all the time, but it will only lead to some bastard taking advantage of this. She's right to say he should care about himself more. 'Cruel to be kind' comes to mind, in regards to helping him think about himself a little more, and her limiting contact with him. He needs to start coping, (of course, with the help of family and friends) which will in turn make him less stressed and help him cope better with his unfortunate illness during this difficult time.

Reply 9

Laces

Oh, come on, the OP never said that she won't talk to him. His excessive calling is the thing that is pushing her away. And perhaps he wasn't right to be paranoid, that this paranoia has in fact pushed her away, as ironic as it is.

You make it sound like this girl is entirely responsible for her boyfriend and that he should be given a prize for 'paying financially and emotionally'. I know that I would be furious if somebody paid for my top-up, just so they could talk to me. It's just too controlling. What if the OP was busy at work, hence couldn't talk to him? That'd get him more/stressed/worried sad, making it just as bad for him. He can't pay her 10 quid and expect an emotional maid 24/7.
Your post would mean a lot more if she was refusing to speak to the guy, but she isn't. She just wants to limit contact in order to recover herself. Don't insult her by saying she doesn't care for him - it's just silly. People don't stick around for 1 1/2 years if they don't give a toss.

Yes, it may be very nice that her boyfriend always thinks about her all the time, but it will only lead to some bastard taking advantage of this. She's right to say he should care about himself more. 'Cruel to be kind' comes to mind, in regards to helping him think about himself a little more, and her limiting contact with him. He needs to start coping, (of course, with the help of family and friends) which will in turn make him less stressed and help him cope better with his unfortunate illness during this difficult time.

Well, I agree entirely. Except that I would be driven to paranoia if my partner said they didn't mind being in a long-distance relationship and seemed positively pissed off if I moved so that I could see them more than five times a year. That's cold, cruel, dismissive, etc. As for "emotional maid", having practically given yourself up to another person (as you do in serious relationships, which this seems to have been to have gone on for so long), it's probably fairly difficult suddenly to be thrown back into the deep end... firstly losing a girlfriend, and secondly (albeit as a direct result) not being able to share this problem with anyone on the same level as he used to be able to. Trust me, I'm often called "paranoid" myself... and it's really not paranoia. He is more sensitive than she is, fine - but she knew this before getting into a relationship with him. The idea is that you support each other. If he's sensitive and she doesn't like that, she shouldn't get involved right from the start. If she does, all she'll do, like now, is make him even more distressed.

And she doesn't care about him:

Anonymous

To be honest I don't feel I have to explain my situation to him at all! [...] I just need to get him off my back [...] I'm NOT his property and I can do whatever I like!

Does that really sound like someone who has a vague tint of giving a **** within them? She wants rid of him.

Reply 10

HereFishyFishy

13

To Generale:

Not necesserily. You're stating opinion as fact and being a little presumptious. In your opinion, LDR's don't work, but they do work for people. Perhaps she was happy to go for a LDR because she was confident she would stay with him, and vice versa. Perhaps they had a strong relationship but he severely strained it with excess paranoia?
Who says she only saw him 5 times per year? A LDR could mean 7 hours, or it could mean 2. And if theirs was a case of the latter, he might have seen her every other weekend. You can love somebody without wanting to spend every minute of every working day with them. Activities and obligations get in the way when you're as young as we are.

I do understand what you are saying generale - it must be difficult and horrible for him, he'll think that all his paranoia has been confirmed etc... but essentially, the OP does have a choice. And she chose to break up with him, which means spending a lot less time in his company. Yes, the OP should comfort her boyfriend, but not at regular intervals i.e. 15 times a day.

To the OP: I hope when you do talk to him, you don't reveal frustration/anger. If you want to make things good for him (and for you, to a degree) make sure that when you do chat, you confort him, listen to him and offer advice, like any good friend would.

GB: No, she didn't know how full-on he was before she entered a relationship with him, I'm sure. You discover those sorts of things about people as you become part of a relationship, and sometimes they don't just fit.
I think, at times the OP's posts do seem a little insensative and uncaring, but it's probably more a case of feeling extreme guilt at what she has done. Her ex's reaction is no doubt making it worse. She's probably hurt about the break-up and that she's hurting him, but might not know how to express/deal with it.

EDIT: She probably didn't know about his full-on nature. Must be careful I don't state my opinion as fact :wink:

Reply 11

Fair enough, I've made my point, the OP can take it or leave it. I didn't expect anyone to agree anyway. :biggrin:

Reply 12

meepmeep

IMHO, serious relationships aren't about "giving yourself up" to the other person, it's about becoming more than just two individuals. If you "give yourself up", then in some respects, you surrender what your partner first found attractive about you. I'm not saying you shouldn't care about your partner, but you have to have some time to yourself in a relationship, even in a very serious one! You're still two people. It's constricting if someone wants to literally be the one and only thing in every part of your life, especially if they cut off parts of their own life to spend more time with you (such as moving closer if it means he loses contact with his friends).

And for the record, I'm in a very happy serious LDR. So no, everyone doesn't think that. I can understand your perspective, but having one side of a relationship try to mold every aspect of their life to appease their partner is not what I would want to see. I'd hate to see my partner lose her individuality if she did that. This doesn't make me some cold hearted swine.

Of course, I'm sure there are people who want that in a relationship, but if you aren't then nothing can change that. The OP's ex seems to want someone with this characteristic to share their life with, but sadly the OP isn't that person. To the OP, be there for your ex, but be kind but firm that you aren't going to get back together and explain why. Beyond that, there's nothing else you can do. Does your ex have a group of friends to turn to?

Reply 13

OP

It is a nice cross section of opinions. I have to say I was shocked to read back over my posts and hear my tone.

Our relationship started as a summer romance which was lovely and hearty, when he moved near me I WAS happy, very happy. I'm not saying I was pissed off with him doing it, I'm saying I'm pissed off now I'm blamed for ruining his career.

His main problem was exactly that, he sacrificed everything for me when I didn't need it. Whereas I kept a safety net of friends and family and even hobbies, he seems to have nothing now which hurts me too. I'm finding it hard to be he one breaking his heart and also comforting him about it too.

When I think about this relationship I think about all the wonderful times I had with him, e.g. learning to ride a bike with him and I'm happy, yes I'm sad it's over but I'm happy I know him, he is acting like his life is over.

Generalebriety- Paranoia is just that. Paranoia. It pushes those close to you away, and laughs at any possible trust in the relationship. However I am glad of your opinions as they have helped me to see from the other side as it were.

Reply 14

AndySoOoOoN

You strike me as a bit insensitive and stuck up. You could at least agree to meet up with him, tell him gently that theres no chance in getting back together, but you still care about him. Talk to him about his problems and make sure he gets through it ok.

Hes obviously quite unstable with all his problems and your to busy thinking "mememe I DONT want to talk to him, I DONT want to make him feel better", while as you say, hes been busy for a year and half doing stuff for you. How selfish.

Reply 15

seanaldo123

AndySoOoOoN

your to busy thinking "mememe I DONT want to talk to him, I DONT want to make him feel better", while as you say, hes been busy for a year and half doing stuff for you. How selfish.

omg..... i cant believe people are actually taking the guys side and bad mouthing this girl ! i think i would just want to hang up and never talk to the person again if they phoned me 15 times a day just crying down the phone! and the ppl saying that they would comfort them down the phone are liers, just trying to make themselves look better. I think this guy is being a bit of a loser here, have some dignity and accept that she has left him. And she isnt being 'selfish', she has finished the relationship now, her part is done - he is harrassing her!!! and sum1 i knew in skool did EVERYTHING for his gf, and she broke it off with him and i must say im not surprised, it just seemed like such a boring relationship. I say just phone or text him saying "it is definetely over, we can be friends, but dont phone me for at least 2 weeks so we can both calm down !!!!"

Reply 16

rawkingpunkster

sigh. what a loser. ignore him

Reply 17

solon

seanaldo123

omg..... [...] !!!!"

Have you ever been in the position of having a long term relationship and then splitting up with your partner?

Reply 18

sufiankane

confront him and threaten to take a restraining order (more of a last resort). COnfront him talk through things and explain to him that its over. get a new tonk buff BF and set him to beat the old one

Jesus

****ing

Christ.

You absolute lunatic.

Reply 19