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I hate myself and hate my insecurities even more... watch

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    Sorry if this post may be long winded but will appreciate anyone that replies or can relates..
    These last few years have been tough for me and definitely been years where I have had to accept change time and time again..

    Over the years, I have became really insecure.. I see people come into my life and then leave again so it makes me think why do I bother trying to make new friends... I have became impossibly quiet anyway and not very confident at all.. I tend to be in my own little world a majority of the time... I had someone spit in my face before, I had someone else cheat on me and then make out I made the whole thing up, my mum was an alcoholic and died right infront of my face, my grandad died a months later, my uncle tried to offer my dad money so he can take the majority of my inheritance etc.. maybe these are all my factors of being insecure...

    I'm even worse when it comes to relationships and what not.. If they dont reply, I think they are ignoring me.. I have to send more then one message sometimes and I over analyse every small little detail.. I also get moody if they dont reply after a while even though they could just most likely be busy and I can easily get jealous - this has got worse since I got cheated on over four years ago... If i'm with someone, im not confident to initiate anything usually and usually allow them to do so.

    Weirdly enough, I am kind of seeing the guy who cheated on me all them years ago and I'm finding my emotions extremely hard to deal with.. I said to him im insecure and he said he understands and only got himself to blame.. But things have got worse.. I'm finding it hard to trust him - despite the fact I do forgive him and accept his apology., im becoming more and more moody with him and I'm noticing the fact that the time I spend time with him is becoming less frequent.. In the end, I mentioned this to him - saying we need to talk because when I am with him, it is starting to feel different and he doesnt seem to want to see more often and I blame myself for this.. I blame myself because I feel like I have pushed him away... I'm now in the situation with him where he wont even talk to me..

    When something bad like this happens, I then start to hate myself and blame everything on myself - which just resorts to me over thinking, taking ages to get over it and being wrecked with guilt. I just end up crying all the time over what has happened as well as things from the past that I should be over :/. Then I will be okay for an hour or two then start crying my eyes out again... I havent been in a happy place for a while and have no idea how to change my mindset and stop being so hard on myself..

    How do I stop punishing myself over mistakes?? How do i make things right?? How do I grow more confident?? I'm starting to think I'm suffering from depression but maybe Im over reacting there? :/ My work is also affected deeply by my confidence and my insecurities and despite being on my apprenticeship for five months - Its still as if its my first week .. I'm starting to think there is too much baggage in my town and maybe move away, fresh start and start a levels at college.. but then again, I cant run from my problems...

    My question is, is how do I make myself start feeling better?? How do I make things right with this guy who won't even talk to me atm?? How do I stop feeling so insecure and usless and not being confident?? And how can I stop hating myself or punishing myself if things do not go right...

    I really would appreciate it if someone offers advice or who can relate.. x
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    It sounds like you need to be more independent, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Notes_from_Underground will show you that your defeatist attitude is harming no one but yourself and your relationships, if you have time of course.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My question is, is how do I make myself start feeling better??
    Try meditation perhaps?

    How do I make things right with this guy who won't even talk to me atm?? How do I stop feeling so insecure and usless and not being confident?? And how can I stop hating myself or punishing myself if things do not go right...
    If I were in this situation - and I think you have it pretty bad - I would go away somewhere where I don't know anyone, where nobody has any expectations of me, and where I can shut myself off from everybody I know, and prevent anyone from contacting me, and prevent myself from access to phone / email / facebook / the internet or other communication devices (handwritten letters may be ok though I'd probably avoid them too). I would go there for a whole year, and I would just read, paint or write a book and not feel under any pressure to maintain or build relationships with other people. A cloister comes to mind. I think they still exist.
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    You simply decide to become more confident rather than wondering how
 
 
 
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