Friends with benefits always ends badly

Everyone always says it's a bad idea to fool around with a friend. Obviously the worst that could happen is you fall out and stop talking. Does anyone have any good tales to tell? For e.g you fooled around and you are still friends or even a couple now

Share either good or bad stories, I'm intruiged!

Reply 1

hollywoodbudgie

It's all sunshine and lollipops until one wants to get a boyfriend/girlfriend or feelings develop

Reply 2

Nerol

Original post by Anonymous

I had a FWB relationship with a friend of mine for a long time. It started when we were about 16 and went on until we were 23. I actually ended up having feelings for him, but it never became anything more. Then, he decided he liked my sister, and they've been together now for nearly 3 years!

I know it sounds like a bad story, but the point is, despite all that, we are still best friends. I think FWB relationships can work if the friendship is strong enough. Even though I was crushed, I'd never want to lose him as a friend. Or my sister for that matter!

Reply 3

Lelcats

Original post by Nerol

Does your sister know of your history?

Reply 4

consumed by stuff

All my friends are guys, and i just don't think i could **** something i respect.

Reply 5

Sazzle4

Well, I'm 28 and I have one friend who I've fooled around with on numerous occasions since we were about 16. We've never officially been 'friends with benefits' but have come close to getting together properly once or twice. Something has always stopped us actually ending up together and right now it is occasionally difficult because I do have feelings for him and I don't think he recipricates. But I'd say we're a situation where it's all ended well in that there has never been any awkwardness between us regardless of how often or how recently we've hooked up. We've laughed about the fact our friendship is definitely unconventional but we get on amazingly well, have a great laugh together and occasionally give in to sexual tension and it really hasn't had any negative effect on our friendship at all. I don't think friends with benefits situations usually work out at all and I really don't know why it isn't weird or awkward with us because, when I stop to think about it, it probably should be! So I wouldn't advise embarking on that sort of arrangement but it doesn't always have to spell disaster!

Reply 6

Jebedee

As long as you're completely open with each other then it's fine. I've slept with a few uber close friends and it never got weird because we all knew it was just sex...and it never affected the friendships at all. Brought us closer if anything.

Reply 7

Nerol

Original post by Lelcats

Does your sister know of your history?

Yeah, she does. They also lied to me about it and hid it from me. Everyone knew about them before I did!

While that really hurt, I do understand their reasons for doing so. I was suffering from depression at the time, so I think they were worried about that. Don't get me wrong, I didn't talk to either of them for a while! I was pissed! But you can't help who you fall for, they didn't develop feelings for each other on purpose, so after a while I got over it. There's no point in losing a friend and a close relationship with my sister over something like this.

Reply 8

emobambam

I had this friend in college.she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me and 6 onths later she dumped me to get back together with the ex-boyfriend.somebody always starts to feel more than the other person.then you start to get jealous.

Reply 9

Kvothe the Arcane

I don't see why it has to be an issue. But often ppl don't really do it with 'real' friends. One person does it because the person won't go out with them and they want a compromise.

Reply 10

alexs2602

Original post by Anonymous

Most people say that because they seem to think that just because it's casual sex that it means it's not as complex as a proper relationship. I disagree with this for a number of reasons. The obvious ones where one develops stronger feelings than the other and wants more but that isn't reciprocated.

On the other hand, I have a friend who, if she were single, I'd be able to have a fwb situation with with no real concern for hurting each other. We're both very good friends and talk to each other about everything, but also we have no romantic interest in each other. We tried going out years ago, it didn't work for either of us but we still work very well as friends and both enjoy sex.

Then there are emotional issues. This might include feeling the need to feel like you're important to them. By which I mean I've known another woman who was a nymphomanic(her words) who had sex with many men and I think in that case you could be forgiven for feeling disposable and not fully appreciated. As strange as many people may think this sounds but I feel that monogamous fwb situations can be a good idea in some situations, provided ofc it's understood that if a relationship did come along that neither party would care that the situation had to end. Stuff like that. It's all very complex and everyone has a different emotional state that needs to be accommodated.

Reply 11

MagicNMedicine

Even if its a mutually convenient arrangement and not a case of one partner secretly wanting more, it will cause disappointment and tension when one partner withdraws the option (eg they get a partner). I had an FWB at uni who got a boyfriend while I was still single. It took me a while to adjust to the situation that I didn't have licence to behave in the ways I used to. It wasn't just the sex, the 'benefits' kind of were being able to be very flirty and touchy-feely when we were together. I think because she was conscious of redrawing boundaries she tended to repeat the whole 'I have a boyfriend' thing all the time and turn cold on me.

Maybe at first I didn't truly accept the situation, I was like 'cool, you've got a boyfriend, I'm happy for you', it didn't really bother me, I probably assumed we would keep up our flirtatious friendship and maybe she'd break up with him before long anyway and we could resume things. But quite quickly she began treating me much more formally and things like when I texted her late one night just wanting a bit of text chat she ignored it and then the next morning sent me 'I think we're at the stage where night time texts should stop, don't you? Maybe its time to find someone who makes you happy like I have?'. I was so irritated by the tone of that text.

I don't know what right I had to be angry, she was perfectly entitled to be like that and its what she had to do by rights if she had a new boyfriend, to be honest. But I felt some kind of betrayal, and it wasn't to do with me having wanted more from her because she probably wasn't my kind of girl in a relationship sense and I don't think I was compatible with her in those terms either.

I guess having a FWB is cool, and I felt like the absolute king when it was happening, I was free to flirt, try to chat up/set dates with other girls but I had a female friend to hang out with and get 'benefits' from. I had freedom to push boundaries with her more than I would have had the stakes been higher (ie a relationship).

I guess looking back with hindsight I was quite selfish in how I viewed the whole arrangement, it was all about me and I viewed her in quite a misogynistic way, I felt like I had ownership of her body without having to do the whole relationship stuff and was forgetting the fact she was a human being too and wanted to find someone to love and have a proper relationship with. But maybe she viewed me in similar cold and calculating terms: I was someone to tide her over while she was single so she could enjoy physical intimacy and also my attention boosted her confidence while she was looking for a proper partner. When she found one I could be cut without pity.

Not sure how things would have turned out if I'd have been the one to find a partner first. I suspect I'd have been less quick to cut her off. Most likely I'd have been testing the water with my new gf as to whether the idea of inviting the FWB to join in was a possibility :sexface:

Reply 12

Mr_Vain

Original post by MagicNMedicine

Don't you feel jaded out by it all? I am 22 now, and without being boastful I have had a lot of these ONS/FWB arrangements. It feels like since 17 my whole life has flashed before my eyes and i have not truly lived because well, women. I have spent years effectively having empty tryst after empty tryst (with one relationship in between). I also think that women see me as a bit of a 'lad' (i really hate that word) because of the way i seem, but really i am a very deep thinker. I did a Law degree at a Russell Group and I have really specific interests that i don't share with these girls. I have never let them know too much about the 'real' me, and it is just regrettable, and yet i feel like it is necessary because i am protecting my own 'feelings' (cringe).

I just personally feel old, and i am 22. It may have to do with the fact that i have had only one relationship and that totally went up the Yangtze. But, you know, my physical relationships have been somewhat empty and shallow. And yes, it reflects the sort of person I portray myself to be, but I am starting to really regret it. And yet, I have serious trust issues. So, I am stuck in a really bizarre catch-22. Doesn't mean i am going to change per se, but it is just sad.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 13

alexs2602

Original post by MagicNMedicine

I think you've mentioned a very important point here that many people don't understand or recognise. I can't speak for all people but when there's a monumental change in relationship dynamics from one side of the relationship like that then it can take a while to adjust back from a friends with benefits situation to a purely platonic friendship. Often the one who wants to be only friends from then on expects the other party to be able to reciprocate that at the flick of a switch and I certainly can say I don't find it that simple so I'm developing a method where if that happens and they want to remain friends then they will have to accept that until I reconcile this dynamic change with myself that I won't want to talk to them. This may take a few weeks but I think it works out best for both parties if this is understood. It's not that simple to adjust from one emotionally charged state to another like that.

I don't know, I mean I don't think she truly understood the consequences of her actions and she didn't have much right to expect you to be able to accept it like it was nothing. It might not be a relationship but it still can be something a lot of importance is placed upon and she should have respected that it wasn't as easy for you as it was for her. I think it can be important to set out certain boundaries from both sides after a change like that in such a way as to ensure that the party who didn't want the change is not hurt and to ensure the survival of the friendship. You can't expect someone to just keep on talking to you and stop thinking of your affections and in a sexual manner without time.

I don't think you were selfish or misogynistic in a sense. At least, from what you've said. People, including yourself, seem to think that fwb is simple. Fwb is not simple, it can be very complex as evidenced by your situation. We all want to feel important to someone and just because you don't have romantic feelings for each other doesn't change that. It depends on the dynamic between you two as well. I have a friend who, if she were available, I'd be able to be friends with benefits with and I think because of the kind of friends we are we would be happy for each other if we found someone else or whatever. I couldn't do that with some other friends I've had/will have casual sex with.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 14

Mr_Vain

And i forgot, one very important point for FWB to work with a smaller risk of emotions coming into it for either party: limit the time you spend together. Establish boundaries and please for heavens sake try to limit what may be considered relationship behavior : cuddling etc. Too much of it and it is a recipe for disaster. Remember, all it is meant to be is sex.

Reply 15

Musie Suzie

I've had a FWB arrangement that erred more on the side of being an open relationship - we were quite affectionate with each other and he was supportive when I was having a hard time. Our arrangement ended when he seemed to think I felt more for him than I should have, while he said he felt less for me than he'd expect to after how long we'd been involved for, and because he knew I was looking elsewhere for a "proper" relationship, which seems somewhat at odds with thinking I felt too much for him/wanted more. Ah well :smile:

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Reply 16

It's****ingWOODY

I've got an on/off FWB who I met at college. We get along really well, similar interests, have a laugh together - great friends, basically. Sexual tension has always been there. We would always chat over Facebook and she brought up that her friend has a "**** buddy" as it was called a few years ago and said that seems like such a cool idea. I half-jokingly suggested we should try it out; she replied really quickly saying what a great idea it was :lol:

We'd been sleeping together regularly for a month and we were laying in bed together. In short, she turned to me and said she was really starting to fall for me. I felt bad, because although I do like her a lot, I had to make it clear to her that I'm not looking for a relationship right now (had some in the past, got fed up, enjoying being single now).

We've talked about things a lot and we've got some agreements going. We're keeping things open, and we've agreed that if ever she's in a relationship that we'll cut ties for the duration of it - if I can't give her that commitment at the moment, seems fair and it doesn't bother me. She's been in a few over the past few years and they all last no more than a few months :lol:

We do miss each other during our off periods, but tbh that just makes it brilliant when we start seeing each other again, that first sex after not seeing each other for ages is always mind-blowing for the both of us.
She's been in her current relationship for a few months now. We've both agreed that if neither of us have settled down by the time we're thirty then we'll get married.

All in all, a positive experience for me.

Reply 17

SophF_rth

I had a FWB situation for a couple of years. We actually grew closer and became good friends. As far as I know neither of us ever developed feelings for each other! Although we didn't go to a sexual intercourse stage.

On the other hand, a guy I liked suggested FWB to which I declined so I didn't develop more feelings as I was worried.