guilt over self harm

I feel awful and so guilty. I've never been very emotionally stable. Ive had an eating disorder since I was 10 and I started deliberately hurting myself around this time too (I dont do it for attention btw, I think attention-seeking like this is wrong. For me, its a coping mechanism when I get really upset). It started with scratching until I drew blood but over the years it got worse (cutting myself with knives/scissors etc). I am now 18 and I hadnt self harmed for about a year until today.

I had an argument with my mum and it got really bad. All my self-hating thoughts started coming back and I went mental. When I was alone upstairs, I scratched my arm until it bled and now I have ugly gauge marks on it and some cuts. When Id calmed down my mum talked to me and everything was ok but later she noticed the marks on my arm and got quite upset.

I feel so guilty now. I feel like I've let everyone down, including myself. My mum is worried now and thinks I'm not stable enough to go to uni so shes thinking of not letting me go - which I'm really upset about as I've been working hard to get there. Im angry at myself for doing this too.
Please help me, what should I say to my mum to make her feel better? And how do I get over the guilt, I feel so bad.

Reply 1

sleepy_person!

Heya, I'm sorry to hear you've been having such an awful time.
I think it's important for you to recognize how much love and support you have around you though, your Mum noticed and she cared and she's scared for you, at least you're not in the situation where you're feeling completely alone and isolated.
As for going to uni, maybe your Mum has a point- but only you can know for sure. If you feel ready and confident you’ll be alright there, then I’m sure she won’t stop you going. However, have a think about it, have you ever thought that taking a gap year might actually be really productive and helpful, it will give you a bit of space from a stressful environment for a bit and could help clear your mind. University may be a bit much whilst you’re still having trouble dealing with high-pressure situations. But like I said, if you’re sure you’ll be alright there then just explain to your Mum it was this one time and you’ll be fine, anyway they have counseling and things at uni which could be more helpful than staying at home.
Don’t feel guilty about this, the only person you have to answer to is yourself don’t worry about other people at the moment. But next time, if you feel the need to hurt yourself just try and take a moment out, and just think about it. It may feel like the only way to make yourself better at the time but think how much worse you’ll feel after you’ve done it. Then try punching a pillow or something to get your frustration out.

Good luck, hope everything works out for you- PM if you want to talk XX

Reply 2

Amnesia

I am not sure what you should say to your mum but I do think you should get some help about the self-harming. The problem clearly still exists even though you managed to control yourself for about a year. I am no expert on these issues but you have to find another way to vent your anger and frustration. Maybe you could see a counselor or someone else who could help you work through the issue. I think you should be honest to your mum and explain why it happened and try to show her that you are committed to going to university by controlling yourself and seeking help. If you can show her that you are resolving the issue maybe she will support you leaving for uni more. Although at the end of the day she can't stop you if that is what you want to do. Hope you manage to sort the issue out.

Reply 3

beanie

Hey (i've already typed out a reply to this then my computer crashed, so sorry if it ends up incoherent!)

... well done on going a year, a year is a really long time and don't let what has happened today get rid of your achievements, as it doesn't. You're always going to have that year, and today is a set back, thats all it is, it doesn't mean you're a failiure or you've failed in your desire to stop self harming. I recently passed the 1 year mark in May, and I'd actually hurt myself once during the year, but I don't count it because it wasn't important and didn't bring me back to square one. A year is a LONG LONG time, I admire you, you've been amazing. How have things been for the past year?

Please don't feel guilty, I know its so hard not to, but instead of focusing on the bad parts of today think about what has happened before- what happened then? how did you beat the urges? how did you react differently to anger on other occasions? take that forward from today with your other coping mechanisms, not the actual fact you cut. That part is redundant, its the reasons why you hurt yourself and what you were feeling which are important.

Right now the most important person is you. Not your mum, you. Focus on getting you sorted out- cleaning your injuries, dealing with whats happened and making yourself feel better. Your mum will be in shock, she will have probably have decided that you'd "got over" the self harming (my mum reacted in a similar way) and it will have shocked her to see that you're still hurting, even though, obviously, it doesn't all go away overnight. You're 17/18 years old, just because your mum is anxious about you going to uni as you're not stable doesn't mean you can't go. Make your own choices, and perhaps contact the student support services at university. All unis have a free and confidential counselling facility for students which you might find useful. The counsellors will be used to working with students with similar problems, so don't be embarrassed about it. Therapy is the main reason I'm like I am now and completely open with everything which has happened in my life, its not scary or a big deal.

You'll be ok xxx

~ I'm around on PM if you need anyone x

Reply 4

jennyflake

Seriously consider the gap year idea. I had a really bad year during year 13...and therefore ended up deciding to take a year out. I've spent a year relaxing, working part time, gaining experience in the field I'll eventually be working in...and then went off to Central America with Raleigh International. While there I was offered support of a different kind which helped me to figure out a lot of the past. I've finally come to terms with who I am and whats happened in the past, and the fact it belongs in the past. I'm now super excited about uni because I know I'm strong enough to cope.
Whether youre off to uni immediately, or later, I think its well worth considering talking to someone before stressful situations set in. My plan is to make a visit to the counselling place immediately, explain to them the situation, and then hope I never have to go. The thing is having already gone once the fear relating to getting help, should you need it, should be lessened.
I agree with the fact that although yes, today was a mistake, dont allow it to put all your amazing work at keeping going aside. Youve managed a year, and yes youve self harmed, but once in a year is nothing. It proves that there are still underlying issues, but now you need to consider how to deal with these. What are you going to do next time something gets stressful? Are you going to self harm, or are you going to find a much better solution? I trust that you'll make the right decision.
Give your mum time to calm down, and then go and have a chat. Be honest, explain that you know youve made a mistake but thats all it is. Explain why you did it, and how she can help you in the future. Tell her you got stressed because of the argument, and that next time you would appreciate it if she stepped away before it got to that point, and promise that you will then, when you are up to it, go back and discuss in a much calmer fashion.
Youre mums worried about you, but at least she cares. Let her know that you understand shes scared for you, but that you want to take control and sort everything, show her that you are capable of uni, but be willing to accept it may not be the right decision.

Sorry that this is very very long!