Boyfriend not sure he wants kids, advice please

Hi,

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 28 we have been together just over 3 years. We met as housemates when we were 24/25 in a shared house and got together 1 month after i moved in. After 4 months we moved out and got our own flat. We get on so well, from day one we were so comfortable with each other being completely open and talking about everything. Its funny we say we are the female/male version of each other - we even had the same hair! (until he shaved it off this summer).

After 3 weeks together we talked about marriage. So after 3 years and no proposal i told him all my worries about getting old and running out of time to get married and have babies etc. My 2 sisters have both lost babies and although both have 1 child each now they are also both pregnant with pregnancy problems. So although nothing hereditary i obviously worry about my chances too.

When kids have come up in conversation before he's said he doesn't want any and i've said if you're serious you need to tell me, but it's always been kind of off hand and jokey and so he's never told me it's serious and i've always assumed he meant not now. But after my serious sit down he tells me he doesn't want them - seriously. I felt devastated. I literally cried for 5 hours before bed and then on and off through the night. My sister asked me once what i'd do if he said he didnt want children and i have never been able to consider it because i can't imagine being without him. I have always wanted kids even when i was a young teenager, i just always knew it was something i wanted to do. As well as wanting to raise a child in a loving family, i really want to experience the feeling of a human growing inside me and share that with the dad.

He said was i mad at him and i guess maybe i should be that he didn't say it seriously sooner after i said to many times, but i'm not. But then i think would it have made any difference sooner? I was still all in after a few weeks and i'd still never be able to choose. How do you choose?! I asked if he definitly never wanted them and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't desire or yearn for them like i do and he cant ever see himself as a father. I asked him if it came to a choice between breaking up and having children what would he do - he said he didn't know. But should i have to choose between breaking up and not having kids? Every website i go on that says give an ultimatum it is the woman who has to choose but why can't it be the other way round?

After a night of hell i decided i couldn't imagine ever breaking up with him and he was clearly upset that i may have chosen otherwise and relieved that i had chosen to stay with him. But now i don't know if i chose to stay with him at the risk of no kids because i am truly ok with that possibility or because i don't believe he is truly set on never having them. Because as well as saying he doesn't want them he also said he doesn't know if it will change. He just knows at the moment he doesn't see himself as a dad.

He also said he wants to do more with his life and that kids will take that away from him. I have been unemployed for almost 1 1/2 years out of our 3 years (5 months and then 13 months later 11 months (now)) so we havn't had the money to go away travelling and he hasn't been able to explore other job options because he is the only wage and i have eaten into his savings because he pays all the rent, bills, food etc so i can understand he doesn't feel stable financially, but at the moment i'm talking marriage in the next 18 months or so and kids sometime in the next 3 years, so none of it is immediate.

Sorry this is so long! I hope you can give me any advice, if you've been in this situation or know someone who has or just what you think you would do if it happened to you. Thank you!

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Steezy

I didn't read a lot of that emotional mess. But giving an ultimatum between having kids & breaking up is not a good foundation for a family.

You might just have to accept it & move on

Reply 2

Dannyboyo

One option would be to do what my cousin's wife did which was stop taking the pill. She was an evil b*tch.

Reply 3

Robbie242

I would obviously say the earlier he told you the better it would have been, but then again that could've ended it before you two fell in love so that could be bad as well. It's quite a deal-breaker though, children are quite a major part of lots of adult life for people so I couldn't envision never having a child (that's why you should get most deal breakers out of the way at the stage of dating really). Just depends on what you want more really, him or kids... you might be able to convince him otherwise but he seems pretty fixated on his word.

Reply 4

HPF

You say you're eating into his savings. Maybe that is why, maybe he thinks you both don't earn enough money to raise a child. You need to ask him whether he doesn't want children because of the financial difficulties and doubting whether he'd be a good father or if he doesn't want them because he simply does not like kids and has no ambition whatsoever to start a family. If it's the latter, I think you're gonna have to move on as he can't make you happy.

Reply 5

username234673

Tough one that.

I have no advice, but you have my sympathy OP. Can't be easy to accept that.

Reply 6

Onionmole

Original post by Dannyboyo

One option would be to do what my cousin's wife did which was stop taking the pill. She was an evil b*tch.

Omg no! That is so wrong :s-smilie:

Reply 7

Hyde

Wow. How has it got to the point where immature people are so vain they have to spawn children (as if there aren't enough of us already) to validate themselves?

Reply 8

Onionmole

Thanks for all the replies. I did think it may be that we aren't financially ready which is why i dont want to make any drastic decisions yet. But its not like i want to start popping them out right now lol. Id like to wait a few years too.

Reply 9

pane123

I have no sympathy, I'm afraid. You are still very young and have lots of time to have children.

Reply 10

redferry

What would you prefer, kids or this relationship? If it is kids I suggest you end the relationship and go it alone as a mum, find a sperm donor and be done with it. At the end of the day if you end it now there is no guarantee you will find someone to have kids with you.

Reply 11

Manitude

There's still time to change his mind - my parents were about ten years older than you are now when they had me. A lot can happen in that time, he may start to feel as though he could be a father figure.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 12

donutaud15

op if you really want kids then have a serious chat with your partner and tell him that having kids is what you want. maybe start thinking about your options if he absolutely don't want that. but whatever you decide, make sure you don't regret it.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 13

ChocoCoatedLemons

Find out why he doesn't want kids. If it's because he hates the idea of having children and being a father, you need to get out of the relationship. You'll just resent him if you stay with him, but don't have a family.

If it's more financial and he doesn't feel that he's ready right now, that could be worked on.

But if you really, really want children, you're probably going to have to pick between him and a family if the problem seems permanent.

Reply 14

ChocoCoatedLemons

Original post by Hyde

Wow. How has it got to the point where immature people are so vain they have to spawn children (as if there aren't enough of us already) to validate themselves?

Is that supposed to mean that:

•

A) All people who want children are immature.

•

B) All people who want children are vain.

•

C) The OP is immature and vain.
Or

•

D)You're just saying it to get a reaction?

Reply 15

Orthonym

Honestly OP, warning bells. I can't see him changing his mind. You have to choose.

I say this because I heard a story like yours, except they met when they were 30. He always told her "maybe" or "I don't know". It was as if he was just saying it to keep her there and hope that she'd stop wanting kids. It wasn't until they were 40 that she finally decided enough was enough and left.

If he doesn't want them then he doesn't want them. He's not going make himself want kids just for you. It will just get worse, you'll get more upset. I'd get out now.

Reply 16

andrew2209

Original post by Dannyboyo

One option would be to do what my cousin's wife did which was stop taking the pill. She was an evil b*tch.

It's worrying that people will actually think that "accidentally" getting pregnant will end happily ever after. It normally ends with another single mum.

Reply 17

Dannyboyo

Original post by andrew2209

It's worrying that people will actually think that "accidentally" getting pregnant will end happily ever after. It normally ends with another single mum.

To be honest, the cousin I'm referring to is a selfish ****, I couldn't care less if she left him with the kid.

Reply 18

doodle_333

Original post by Orthonym

very real possibility

but 28 is still young nowadays to have a child, especially for a man and if he hasn't had a chance to as you say 'experience life' it might be that given time and space to mature he decides he can handle having a child

it's perfectly possible he will change his mind, but you should be prepared that he wont