I don't trust him, is it my fault? Watch

username1320377
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Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have had a generally nice time together. But recently, I have noticed a few things which have sort of, hit home if you like... He lies to me, but never massive lies... And anytime I tell him that I feel like sometimes I can't trust him, he sas 'I can't believe you, you don't trust me?' as if it is a wrong on my part that I can't trust him sometimes? For example, the other day I had finished college early and asked him to meet me, he said he was at college and had a lesson, so he said he will meet me after lesson because his last lesson was cancelled. Turns out he lied about going to lesson and his last lesson wasn't cancelled, instead he wanted to wait for his friend... I feel like I am overreacting a bit, but is it really my fault he tells silly lies? Should I trust him? Thankyou
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simranV
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hi Jenny! Never blame yourself silly! and tbh your boyfriend hasn't done anything major for you to stop trusting him.. yes he is is lying whether they are big lies or not they're lies maybe you just need to be more understanding. Sit him down and tell him, you don't mind him having time for himself if he is waiting for a friend he is not doing anything bad so he can tell you and you will understand he has no need to lie. Just be up front with him because small lies can cause insecurities, some of which you are suffering from now! So it's best to talk it out with him and show him you understand and he doesn't need to lie - so how he behaves after that remember communication is the way! Hope this works out for you X
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Orthonym
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Seems more like he doesn't trust you! He thinks that if he put his friend first then you would not accept that. This should be something that gradually reduces throughout the relationship. I would have thought it won't be happening after a year.

You know you're not to fault. I've noticed that there are some guys who tell lies and then act shocked when they're accused of not being truthful. It's as if they are trying to convince themselves and everyone that they're truthful, whilst still being able to tell lies. I see it as a defence mechanism.

The thing to do is to get through to him that you accept the things he does. It's a gradual thing. It sounds like he doesn't think you accept everything about him and he is retaining parts of himself that he doesn't share with you because it would make him feel vulnerable to share everything.
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Rock Fan
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I would talk to him and find out why he had to tell such a small lie like this.
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lizlaz350
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It's not really your fault if he's lying to you.

Have you ever specifically called him out when he's lied and said 'I know you lied to me, why did you do this?'
Like, if you're using a specific example of when he's lied instead of just generally going 'oh, I can't trust you', he's going to have to listen more and it's harder for him to deny.
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Inazuma
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Nah; my ex did this all the time. Once after we drove back, I wanted to come up and he guilt tripped me for wanting to make him stay up when he had work early etc. etc. Then he watched hobbit extended and I only found out as his flatmate said. douche.
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TurboCretin
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Ask him why he lied to you. It wasn't so shameful as to adequately explain the lie, so either you've given him a reason, a past girlfriend has given him a reason, or he's a compulsive liar.
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TurboCretin
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(Original post by marinaim)
Nah; my ex did this all the time. Once after we drove back, I wanted to come up and he guilt tripped me for wanting to make him stay up when he had work early etc. etc. Then he watched hobbit extended and I only found out as his flatmate said. douche.
Or he wanted to be by himself and didn't know how to tell you without upsetting you.

I know nothing about the situation besides this one anecdote, though.
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Inazuma
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(Original post by TurboCretin)
Or he wanted to be by himself and didn't know how to tell you without upsetting you.

I know nothing about the situation besides this one anecdote, though.
Ah yes because guilt tripping is obviously the way to go about it. It was only a suggestion also. I was perfectly happy with the fact he had to get up at 3am, but the fact he then went and watched the hobbit instead of wanting cuddles and guilt tripping is not okay.
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Scott.
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You're making a meal out of nothing. I think you know you are.

He was waiting for a friend, what's wrong with that? You don't trust him because he told you he had class? Does it really matter.

Are you a bit clingy? People have to lie when around clingy people, to make sure one doesn't "hurt their feelings".


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username1320377
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(Original post by simranV)
hi Jenny! Never blame yourself silly! and tbh your boyfriend hasn't done anything major for you to stop trusting him.. yes he is is lying whether they are big lies or not they're lies maybe you just need to be more understanding. Sit him down and tell him, you don't mind him having time for himself if he is waiting for a friend he is not doing anything bad so he can tell you and you will understand he has no need to lie. Just be up front with him because small lies can cause insecurities, some of which you are suffering from now! So it's best to talk it out with him and show him you understand and he doesn't need to lie - so how he behaves after that remember communication is the way! Hope this works out for you X
I know he hasn't but he tells all these stupid unnecessary lies and I have asked why he lies and he says because they're not really bad lies so they don't really count as lies. But to me a lie is a lie... I probably need to not be so picky about it, but it makes me think if he can lie to me about that, what else could he lie about. x
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username1320377
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(Original post by Orthonym)
Seems more like he doesn't trust you! He thinks that if he put his friend first then you would not accept that. This should be something that gradually reduces throughout the relationship. I would have thought it won't be happening after a year.

You know you're not to fault. I've noticed that there are some guys who tell lies and then act shocked when they're accused of not being truthful. It's as if they are trying to convince themselves and everyone that they're truthful, whilst still being able to tell lies. I see it as a defence mechanism.

The thing to do is to get through to him that you accept the things he does. It's a gradual thing. It sounds like he doesn't think you accept everything about him and he is retaining parts of himself that he doesn't share with you because it would make him feel vulnerable to share everything.
I know, he said if he had told me the truth then I would have moaned about it, but the thing is he hasn't really been going college so I assumed he was at home so thats why I asked him to meet me and he thought I would have moaned but I know that he has friends and I don;'t always have to be put first. But its upsetting that he felt like the better option was to lie.
I do accept him how he is, but I thought I might have been overreacting because it wasn't a major lie, but they can build up and he makes me feel like I can't point these things out because then I am the bad girl.
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username1320377
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(Original post by lizlaz350)
It's not really your fault if he's lying to you.

Have you ever specifically called him out when he's lied and said 'I know you lied to me, why did you do this?'
Like, if you're using a specific example of when he's lied instead of just generally going 'oh, I can't trust you', he's going to have to listen more and it's harder for him to deny.
He said because they aren't really bad lies so they don't count. Whenever I call out when he has done something wrong I always end up being the one saying sorry or feeling bad for bringing it up because he can't take responsibility for his own actions.
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username1320377
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(Original post by Scott.)
You're making a meal out of nothing. I think you know you are.

He was waiting for a friend, what's wrong with that? You don't trust him because he told you he had class? Does it really matter.

Are you a bit clingy? People have to lie when around clingy people, to make sure one doesn't "hurt their feelings".


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Yeah I kind of feel like I was over reacting but I have always been brought up to believe being a liar is the worst thing you can be, and if he lies about small things what else could he lie about. Which is a bad way to think I know.

Nothing is wrong with waiting for his friend, his best friend in fact. What I have a problem with, is the fact he felt that it was better to lie to me than just say he was waiting for his best friend. I had work I could be doing to occupy me until he could come and meet me, but he lied instead which hurts because it is like am I that bad for him to feel the need to lie?

You could say I am quite clingy but not in that way, I have severe depression and quite frankly he is the only person I have that listens to me and knows my problems and knows how to sort me out if I am having a bad day... But I expected him to know after over a year of being together that I would not have minded if he waited for his friend at college...
I am probably over reacting but... I can't help how I feel.
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Orthonym
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(Original post by Jennywbu)
I know, he said if he had told me the truth then I would have moaned about it, but the thing is he hasn't really been going college so I assumed he was at home so thats why I asked him to meet me and he thought I would have moaned but I know that he has friends and I don;'t always have to be put first. But its upsetting that he felt like the better option was to lie.
I do accept him how he is, but I thought I might have been overreacting because it wasn't a major lie, but they can build up and he makes me feel like I can't point these things out because then I am the bad girl.
Nah, you're not overreacting. I guess the next time you find out about a lie, be careful not to really accuse him, because if he feels accused then he will think it was better to lie and try and hide the truth, and he'll carry on lying. It's difficult to do that because his lying will make you feel insecure and negative, you'll be tempted to say negative-sounding things to him about it like "why did you lie to me?". Instead just mention it and say "haha, you don't have to feel bad about that you know? How was [insert his friend's name] anyway?" and smile and cuddle. He'll start to feel better about telling you the truth.
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username1320377
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(Original post by TurboCretin)
Ask him why he lied to you. It wasn't so shameful as to adequately explain the lie, so either you've given him a reason, a past girlfriend has given him a reason, or he's a compulsive liar.
He said because I would have moaned at him for waiting for his friend, that just makes me feel like I am some unreasonable self-interested pig when I'm not, I wasn't expecting him to come rushing to meet me.
The only reason he told the truth was because when he came to meet me with his friend, he said we couldn't go to his house because his mum wouldn't believe his last lesson was cancelled (and it wasn't) but I believed that it was so I was determined to get out of the cold and go to his, so he had to tell the truth and shame the devil because otherwise his mum would find out he bunked college... So, its just hurtful that he felt he needed to lie.
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UniMastermindBOSS
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(Original post by Jennywbu)
Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have had a generally nice time together. But recently, I have noticed a few things which have sort of, hit home if you like... He lies to me, but never massive lies... And anytime I tell him that I feel like sometimes I can't trust him, he sas 'I can't believe you, you don't trust me?' as if it is a wrong on my part that I can't trust him sometimes? For example, the other day I had finished college early and asked him to meet me, he said he was at college and had a lesson, so he said he will meet me after lesson because his last lesson was cancelled. Turns out he lied about going to lesson and his last lesson wasn't cancelled, instead he wanted to wait for his friend... I feel like I am overreacting a bit, but is it really my fault he tells silly lies? Should I trust him? Thankyou
How would you have acted if he told you that directly? If you would have started acting up like, "I can't believe you want to spend time with your friend instead of me!" Then there is your answer.
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username1320377
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(Original post by Orthonym)
Nah, you're not overreacting. I guess the next time you find out about a lie, be careful not to really accuse him, because if he feels accused then he will think it was better to lie and try and hide the truth, and he'll carry on lying. It's difficult to do that because his lying will make you feel insecure and negative, you'll be tempted to say negative-sounding things to him about it like "why did you lie to me?". Instead just mention it and say "haha, you don't have to feel bad about that you know? How was [insert his friend's name] anyway?" and smile and cuddle. He'll start to feel better about telling you the truth.
He told me he lied but to save his own back because he said his last lesson was cancelled and it wasn't but obviously I believed him straight away, it was cold and I wanted to go to his house and he said we couldn't because his mum wouldn't believe that his last lesson was cancelled, and I was like 'yeah but babe its true she has to believe you' and he laughed and I said, 'your lesson wasn't cancelled was it' and he laughed and said no, then admitted to the lie he said over e-mail, he hadn't gone to his lesson, instead he stayed on the computer in his college library, while I sat on the computer at my college library for a whole hour... I didn't shout or anything when he told me, I wasn't even upset but when I think about things too much, this is what happens.
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username1320377
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(Original post by UniMastermindBOSS)
How would you have acted if he told you that directly? If you would have started acting up like, "I can't believe you want to spend time with your friend instead of me!" Then there is your answer.
In all honesty I would have said 'alright, e-mail me when you are on your way' because I like his friend he is a funny guy, all he had to do was tell the truth because either way I would have had to wait for him to get there, whether he was in lesson, or simply waiting for his friend.
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UniMastermindBOSS
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(Original post by Jennywbu)
In all honesty I would have said 'alright, e-mail me when you are on your way' because I like his friend he is a funny guy, all he had to do was tell the truth because either way I would have had to wait for him to get there, whether he was in lesson, or simply waiting for his friend.
Then make sure he KNOWS you would be okay with things like that. Don't just tell us, that won't help
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