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Unsupportive Family...
Hi,
Lately I have been slightly depressed, as currently I am suffering from low self-esteem as well as having a lack of confidence.
My family seem to be very unsupportive over the years. Especially on the academical side of things. Over the years, they have consistantly put a lot of pressure on me to do well on my academica i.e. get into a top university - yet if I am struggling on something (take for example a topic in mathematics), they do not take interest in it, rather they just expect to see instant results and just tell me off if I do poorly in a test or whatever. Thus, making me demoralised and demotivated.
Fortunantly, academically things are ok thanks to TSR. It is just other areas other areas of my life that are getting me down. I have for a long time suffered low self esteem and have lacked confidence. I am unhappy with my body (it doesnt seem like I am the only one here, from reading some other threads), I am tall around 6 ftish, and am just under 10 stones, 9 stone 11 or something. I have been working out, taking protein shakes, yet I am finding it hard to put on weight. I've been training for like four months now (yet haven't gained a pound), and so I am demoralised. My family, however seem v unsupportive. Like my father for example would not take any interest in me trying to bulk up - or even offer to help me, by giving me advice etc. Rather, on the contray all he says is "Don't Bodybuild, all your doing is tensing your muscles
, your not actually gaining mass"
My older brother, he just blames me, he just says "ohh its your fault your not bulking up your not trying hard enough", my mum and my sister - well they havent got a clue how to bulk up (I dont blame them).....Anyway, being demoralised - I have of late become very inconsistant with my training. Rather, been quite depressed cos I am underweight and insecure. It is superficial, but when your a guy at that height and weight it is depressing.
Its not only the above that annoys me about them, its just that this is only one example of so many of how they have never been proactive in my life. Like another example is , "I can't ride a bike" - I feel very very embarrassed about this, as I think the whole world can. But its like my dad never thought about teaching me when I was younger. Instead, he would just blame me for not taking the initative to learn. Another example....Women, I am at that age (19) where I would like advice on how to talk to them etc, my dad or my older bro, again they don't help. Rather, all they are good at doing is criticising me everytime I fail at a task, no matter what it is. This is concerining for me, because lets say if at any point I really begin struggling with my degree. , I would probably get the third-degree from them, "your not studying hard enough" or something likewise pessimistic. Which is something I really would not need at that point in my life as it could be very demoralising. As this could prove a key ingredient to failure.
My family unit feels v detached in that respect, it bugs me, as sometimes I have to develop drive/motivation myself - which can be hard when the going gets tough. Fortunantly my family do fund me financially, but it is annoying that they seem to think that by doing this, it makes everything else ok.
Thanks for reading my long post.
Lately I have been slightly depressed, as currently I am suffering from low self-esteem as well as having a lack of confidence.
My family seem to be very unsupportive over the years. Especially on the academical side of things. Over the years, they have consistantly put a lot of pressure on me to do well on my academica i.e. get into a top university - yet if I am struggling on something (take for example a topic in mathematics), they do not take interest in it, rather they just expect to see instant results and just tell me off if I do poorly in a test or whatever. Thus, making me demoralised and demotivated.
Fortunantly, academically things are ok thanks to TSR. It is just other areas other areas of my life that are getting me down. I have for a long time suffered low self esteem and have lacked confidence. I am unhappy with my body (it doesnt seem like I am the only one here, from reading some other threads), I am tall around 6 ftish, and am just under 10 stones, 9 stone 11 or something. I have been working out, taking protein shakes, yet I am finding it hard to put on weight. I've been training for like four months now (yet haven't gained a pound), and so I am demoralised. My family, however seem v unsupportive. Like my father for example would not take any interest in me trying to bulk up - or even offer to help me, by giving me advice etc. Rather, on the contray all he says is "Don't Bodybuild, all your doing is tensing your muscles
, your not actually gaining mass"My older brother, he just blames me, he just says "ohh its your fault your not bulking up your not trying hard enough", my mum and my sister - well they havent got a clue how to bulk up (I dont blame them).....Anyway, being demoralised - I have of late become very inconsistant with my training. Rather, been quite depressed cos I am underweight and insecure. It is superficial, but when your a guy at that height and weight it is depressing.
Its not only the above that annoys me about them, its just that this is only one example of so many of how they have never been proactive in my life. Like another example is , "I can't ride a bike" - I feel very very embarrassed about this, as I think the whole world can. But its like my dad never thought about teaching me when I was younger. Instead, he would just blame me for not taking the initative to learn. Another example....Women, I am at that age (19) where I would like advice on how to talk to them etc, my dad or my older bro, again they don't help. Rather, all they are good at doing is criticising me everytime I fail at a task, no matter what it is. This is concerining for me, because lets say if at any point I really begin struggling with my degree. , I would probably get the third-degree from them, "your not studying hard enough" or something likewise pessimistic. Which is something I really would not need at that point in my life as it could be very demoralising. As this could prove a key ingredient to failure.
My family unit feels v detached in that respect, it bugs me, as sometimes I have to develop drive/motivation myself - which can be hard when the going gets tough. Fortunantly my family do fund me financially, but it is annoying that they seem to think that by doing this, it makes everything else ok.
Thanks for reading my long post.
All i would say to you is, don't let their detachment effect you, once your studies are complete you can detach yourelf from them if they effect you so much. Once you leave home, and begin to live your life you will realise that you are you now matter what they say! You must learn to be independent seeing as your family sees fit for this, depend on friends or family members like cousins grandparents etc. About bulking up, ask people at the gym, they'll know...
Anonymous
"I can't ride a bike" - I feel very very embarrassed about this, as I think the whole world can.
You're not alone.
My family is unsupportive too. My dad doesn't even live with us any more - he's quite welcome to come and see us, but the last time (and in fact first time since we moved) that he paid me a visit rather than my brother was a few days ago. He came round with my big desk fan that I left in the other house, left it on the step, rang the doorbell and walked off. I shouted him, he waved to me and drove off. Nice.
It's easy to get discouraged, and I suppose the obvious solution is to tell your parents you're sick of the pessimism - tell them it's really putting you off wanting to bother because no matter what happens they're not happy. My parents are also the same. They say they'll be happy whatever happens in my academia. I got 10 A*s and an A in my GCSEs, and guess what their first questions were? Correct - "What was the A in? Why? Shouldn't you have got A* for that?" **** off. Failing speaking to them, do the opposite - don't speak to them. Refuse to show them test results, whether they're good or bad. When they complain, tell them you're sick of their pessimism and discouragement. It's a case of getting across to them that you're sick of it in whatever way possible - that might include being nasty to them, but in the end, it's for your own sanity. I sometimes go to the local library or stay in the school library after school... just so I don't have to go home and get greeted by someone telling me what an incredibly crap person I really am.
Try going for a walk or going out with your friends more or something. It always helps clear your mind.
Good luck.
unfinished sympathy
All i would say to you is, don't let their detachment effect you, once your studies are complete you can detach yourelf from them if they effect you so much. Once you leave home, and begin to live your life you will realise that you are you now matter what they say! You must learn to be independent seeing as your family sees fit for this, depend on friends or family members like cousins grandparents etc. About bulking up, ask people at the gym, they'll know...
Hi,
Thanks for your reply.
The problem with my friends, extended family is that my friends are all very competitive. Like for example, if they are good at the subject that I am doing at my degree level, and I am stuck on a particular part of it, they would see this as a sign on weakness and be patronising. Like they would help, but not w/o an ego.
Likewise with my extended Family it is problomatic. A lot of my uncles and aunts have kids on their own e.g. my cousins. They are far more concerned about their sons/daughters succeeding rather then me. So they are in direct competition with me. My cousins will patronise me, if I am struggling with something, may it be academia, working out or whatever. As obviously they want to be seen as "the more successful one". Aunts and uncles don't care.
Grandparents...totally different generation. So no good. They live abroad most of the time anyway.
Anonymous
Hi,
Thanks for your reply.
The problem with my friends, extended family is that my friends are all very competitive. Like for example, if they are good at the subject that I am doing at my degree level, and I am stuck on a particular part of it, they would see this as a sign on weakness and be patronising. Like they would help, but not w/o an ego.
Likewise with my extended Family it is problomatic. A lot of my uncles and aunts have kids on their own e.g. my cousins. They are far more concerned about their sons/daughters succeeding rather then me. So they are in direct competition with me. My cousins will patronise me, if I am struggling with something, may it be academia, working out or whatever. As obviously they want to be seen as "the more successful one". Aunts and uncles don't care.
Grandparents...totally different generation. So no good. They live abroad most of the time anyway.
Thanks for your reply.
The problem with my friends, extended family is that my friends are all very competitive. Like for example, if they are good at the subject that I am doing at my degree level, and I am stuck on a particular part of it, they would see this as a sign on weakness and be patronising. Like they would help, but not w/o an ego.
Likewise with my extended Family it is problomatic. A lot of my uncles and aunts have kids on their own e.g. my cousins. They are far more concerned about their sons/daughters succeeding rather then me. So they are in direct competition with me. My cousins will patronise me, if I am struggling with something, may it be academia, working out or whatever. As obviously they want to be seen as "the more successful one". Aunts and uncles don't care.
Grandparents...totally different generation. So no good. They live abroad most of the time anyway.
Anonymous if you ever need to talk confidentially PM me, i won't tell anyone, but it sounds to me as though you need a good friend, who is not competive and will talk to you as though you are a person of your own age... not a brain box. Please feel free to PM me, everyone needs someone to have a chat with
generalebriety
Failing speaking to them, do the opposite - don't speak to them. Refuse to show them test results, whether they're good or bad. When they complain, tell them you're sick of their pessimism and discouragement. It's a case of getting across to them that you're sick of it in whatever way possible - that might include being nasty to them, but in the end, it's for your own sanity. I sometimes go to the local library or stay in the school library after school... just so I don't have to go home and get greeted by someone telling me what an incredibly crap person I really am.
Failing speaking to them, do the opposite - don't speak to them. Refuse to show them test results, whether they're good or bad. When they complain, tell them you're sick of their pessimism and discouragement. It's a case of getting across to them that you're sick of it in whatever way possible - that might include being nasty to them, but in the end, it's for your own sanity. I sometimes go to the local library or stay in the school library after school... just so I don't have to go home and get greeted by someone telling me what an incredibly crap person I really am.
Thank god, I am not alone!
Yes I do exactly that, my relationship with my parents and older brother is quite rocky at the moment. I am very resentful at their overall attitude, as I think it does help if they were pro-active from a psychological aspect...
I can mostly filter their rubbish out, academically they have not affected me much. But it really really bugs me in other areas (some of which I have mentioned above) where I am not succeeding for the exact reason that you have mentioned... "just so I don't have to go home and get greeted by someone telling me what an incredibly crap person I really am.", because at the end of the day I can't argue with them if I am not succeeding in those areas. They want results! grrr
My bf is 6ft and he's about 70 kilos... I think he's like 9st something or 10st... I have no idea about the conversion factors, but he's not exactly very heavy for his height. So it's ok.
Heeeey! I can't ride a bike either!
And I can't swim and I'm gonna be 19 in a few weeks Not proud of it lol, but just saying - hey it's ok. You're not alone.
How about your friends? Got any trusted friends you can get support from?
Heeeey! I can't ride a bike either!
And I can't swim and I'm gonna be 19 in a few weeks Not proud of it lol, but just saying - hey it's ok. You're not alone.How about your friends? Got any trusted friends you can get support from?
irisng
My bf is 6ft and he's about 70 kilos... I think he's like 9st something or 10st... I have no idea about the conversion factors, but he's not exactly very heavy for his height. So it's ok.
Heeeey! I can't ride a bike either! And I can't swim and I'm gonna be 19 in a few weeks Not proud of it lol, but just saying - hey it's ok. You're not alone.
How about your friends? Got any trusted friends you can get support from?
Heeeey! I can't ride a bike either!
And I can't swim and I'm gonna be 19 in a few weeks Not proud of it lol, but just saying - hey it's ok. You're not alone.How about your friends? Got any trusted friends you can get support from?
I have trusted friends but for obvious reasons I just tell them what they need to hear. I do not go into detail about my personal life. But eventually people do figure out that there is something wrong i.e. body language, does give it away (lack of confidence, the obvious skinnyness, shyness, - around women especially etc). Yet I am very tight lip as I want to refrain from giving any weaknesses away.
I find it v hard to trust my close mates about this issue, because the way I see it, if members of my own family (extended, not extended) are hard to trust over this issue due to the reasons I have stated above, what makes you think a stranger who is out their for themselves , in terms of success would be any better? Rather they would probably be more judegemental as they are not related in anyway at all to me.
Anonymous
I have trusted friends but for obvious reasons I just tell them what they need to hear. I do not go into detail about my personal life. But eventually people do figure out that there is something wrong i.e. body language, does give it away (lack of confidence, the obvious skinnyness, shyness, - around women especially etc). Yet I am very tight lip as I want to refrain from giving any weaknesses away.
I find it v hard to trust my close mates about this issue, because the way I see it, if members of my own family (extended, not extended) are hard to trust over this issue due to the reasons I have stated above, what makes you think a stranger who is out their for themselves , in terms of success would be any better? Rather they would probably be more judegemental as they are not related in anyway at all to me.
I have trusted friends but for obvious reasons I just tell them what they need to hear. I do not go into detail about my personal life. But eventually people do figure out that there is something wrong i.e. body language, does give it away (lack of confidence, the obvious skinnyness, shyness, - around women especially etc). Yet I am very tight lip as I want to refrain from giving any weaknesses away.
I find it v hard to trust my close mates about this issue, because the way I see it, if members of my own family (extended, not extended) are hard to trust over this issue due to the reasons I have stated above, what makes you think a stranger who is out their for themselves , in terms of success would be any better? Rather they would probably be more judegemental as they are not related in anyway at all to me.
Your family probably cares about you - they just have a hard time showing it. Why would they want you to be so successful? Why should it disappoint them if they think you weren't successful? It's not them who benefit from your success. So in a kinda twisted way, they really do care about you. They just don't show it very well.
You "trusted" the forum enough to post. And even though nobody on here knows you, nobody's been judgemental and I haven't paid much attention to the other posts, but at least I'm trying to show that hey, it's ok - so in some way, I'm showing concern for you. And I don't even know you. What makes you think the people who know you will show any less concern? True, you can't trust everyone - but there will be one or two who could be there for you and will care and see you through it. What you need is not some online stranger telling you it's ok - what you need is a friend who knows you and understands your situation and for him/her to be there for you, to encourage you when you need it, to pick you up when you need it. That's what friends are for. And you're gonna be very lonely all your life if you don't learn to trust. Your family's obviously had some destructive influences on you - are you willing to let them destroy you even when they're not around? Don't let that happen. And if there's really no one you think you can turn to - tried praying? Asking God for help is surprisingly good and peaceful.
Yeah I know how you feel, I sorta have a family a bit like that. Or half like that, while my dad's cool, my mum tends to put me down and make me feel crappy :/
As a result I tend to tip-toe around her to 'keep the peace', but all it does is delay the putdowns she'll use afterwards. I can't live with her which is why I live at my dad's atm
Also, yep like that other poster before me says - your family prolly does care - a lot more than you realise, they might just have a hard time showing it. What are your friends like? You'll find they're similar to you in this regard, talk to them and find out more about them, they might be more supportive than you think.
Good luck!
xo
As a result I tend to tip-toe around her to 'keep the peace', but all it does is delay the putdowns she'll use afterwards. I can't live with her which is why I live at my dad's atm
Also, yep like that other poster before me says - your family prolly does care - a lot more than you realise, they might just have a hard time showing it. What are your friends like? You'll find they're similar to you in this regard, talk to them and find out more about them, they might be more supportive than you think.
Good luck!
xo
To be honest... Have you actually tried telling your parents that its affecting you like this?
Rather than the silent treatment, I think you should tell them.
Rather than the silent treatment, I think you should tell them.
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