My friend was raped and is in denial

A while back one of my close friends lost her virginity, and for a while afterwards, she was really jumpy and feeling bad. I knew she didn't like the sex but she wouldn't talk to anyone about it.
Today, she explained what happened to me. It was at a party, she was kissing the guy, but she told him she didn't want it to go further. He said he wanted to have sex with her but she continually said no and pushed him away. She was "pinned down" while trying to push him away, and said he had to stop as she didn't want to and he didn't have a condom. I said to her, "um, so he raped you?" and she was like, "no no, it wasn't rape, don't say that". She said it wasn't a big deal and she had gotten over it, but knew she was shaken up after it. Her argument for it not being rape was that it wasn't violent and that she didn't yell for help or put up a fight like she knows she could have done. She also said he was in her house the other day (he's a friend of her brother's) and she felt scared.

I really want to help her but she won't let me. I get the impression she's ashamed/embarrassed, from the way she was saying things.
I totally respect her and if she doesn't want to make a big deal of it then that's her choice and I get that, and I'm not sure if it's my place to judge or whatever. But I feel like I'm not being a good friend by ignoring it. What should I do?

Reply 1

Scott.

2

Go to the police.

But she will have to make a complaint, otherwise there's nothing they can do.

Reply 2

captain.sensible

so she didn't use self-defence, instead, she only tried to "push him back"?
wow, this was rape? believable

Reply 3

Orthonym

I'm not experienced with this, but I don't know what reporting the guy will do for your friend. If she doesn't want to make fuss about it that's her decision. Also, the guy might have convinced her to agree to sex (or at least stop her saying no, and get some form of consent since I assume some of her clothes had to be removed?) after he pinned her down, even if she didn't really want to. I think the best thing to do is be there for her. She probably knows that she won't let something like that happen again, but tell her she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment and she should yell for help and keep disagreeing if it ever happens again.

Reply 4

Mel1215

10

If she doesn't want to take it further at the moment then there is nothing you can do about that. Alls you can do is be there for her and support her, she will need you to listen to her not to tell her what to do even though its in her best interests. Give her time, she will eventually see the fact that no means no and she was raped.

Reply 5

Torigirl

9

I'm not sure there's much you can do other than being a mate and being there when she wants to talk. Let here know there are organisations that are out there to help if she does want to talk about what happened to her.

Reply 6

El Salvador

21

How about a 'sexual harrassment'?

Reply 7

xDave-

19

That sucks. I wonder if it's a good idea to press the issue if she makes it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it. I'd just offer to talk if she ever felt she needed to, and then hopefully she would. Ideally, you'd get her to go and report it, but it doesn't sound like that'll happen. It'd just be her word vs his anyway, so I doubt anything would happen. Unless you think someone at the party might know something.

You could tell her brother, that'd be interesting! Probably not the best idea though.

Reply 8

hollywoodbudgie

20

Original post by captain.sensible

so she didn't use self-defence, instead, she only tried to "push him back"?
wow, this was rape? believable

You know in those dreams where you want to run but your legs feel like they're stuck in mud and you find yourself going slowly or just freezing on the spot?

When you're being violated, you might be in shock and not be able to defend yourself in a way that you normally would be able to.

Reply 9

captain.sensible

Original post by hollywoodbudgie

You know in those dreams where you want to run but your legs feel like they're stuck in mud and you find yourself going slowly or just freezing on the spot?

When you're being violated, you might be in shock and not be able to defend yourself in a way that you normally would be able to.

I'm sorry but that seems extremely disportionate to something that can simply be kicked or punched away like an unarmed pervert; if you were talking about having loaded guns pointed in your face or being in a pool of sharks then that might apply but attempted rape isn't something that makes you become paralysed.

Reply 10

EL704

9

Original post by Treeroy

A while back one of my close friends lost her virginity, and for a while afterwards, she was really jumpy and feeling bad. I knew she didn't like the sex but she wouldn't talk to anyone about it.
Today, she explained what happened to me. It was at a party, she was kissing the guy, but she told him she didn't want it to go further. He said he wanted to have sex with her but she continually said no and pushed him away. She was "pinned down" while trying to push him away, and said he had to stop as she didn't want to and he didn't have a condom. I said to her, "um, so he raped you?" and she was like, "no no, it wasn't rape, don't say that". She said it wasn't a big deal and she had gotten over it, but knew she was shaken up after it. Her argument for it not being rape was that it wasn't violent and that she didn't yell for help or put up a fight like she knows she could have done. She also said he was in her house the other day (he's a friend of her brother's) and she felt scared.

I really want to help her but she won't let me. I get the impression she's ashamed/embarrassed, from the way she was saying things.
I totally respect her and if she doesn't want to make a big deal of it then that's her choice and I get that, and I'm not sure if it's my place to judge or whatever. But I feel like I'm not being a good friend by ignoring it. What should I do?

She said NO that is the important part. She was in shock which is why she didn't shout or move (freezing up is a typical fear response)

Whether she wants to admit it or not, she was raped. I would try to get her to speak to someone in confidence about it - if in uni a counselling service, or maybe a rape crisis helpline could advise you better. Even a GP.

The Alleged 'captain.sensible' is your typical idiot that stops people like your friend coming forward. He's clearly never studied biology to a high level - it's referred to as the fight or flight response - if you are in flight reflex and you have someone who is stronger than you, your strength is not in your arms to push them away. It is medically proven. Shock causes temporary paralysis for some people.

She is blaming herself for not putting up a fight but it is a natural response. She needs to be checked over by a medical professional, and then they are in a better position to get her to come forward to the police. They can remind her that this sick b#stard is still out there and could have done this to girls before and could still hurt others.

He needs to be locked up.

NO MEANS NO - END OF.

I would try to get to contact her parents and tell them how worried you are about her and that something had happened to her. She may feel like you betrayed her trust, but at least someone would be doing something to help her. She's clearly in a mass of denial, not having any prior sexual experience to compare what had happened to her.

She needs help and support and fast.

I hope you manage to get her some help. If you know who it was who did it, you can report it and they'd be able to support you and your friend.

If she still won't talk, or come forward, just be there for her.

--------
Just saw it was a friend of her brother, I would speak to him, tell him how worried you are about her and see if he can get it out of her. If anyone had dared to attack my sister I would string him up.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 11

User1214833

16

Original post by captain.sensible

I'm sorry but that seems extremely disportionate to something that can simply be kicked or punched away like an unarmed pervert; if you were talking about having loaded guns pointed in your face or being in a pool of sharks then that might apply but attempted rape isn't something that makes you become paralysed.

Life isn't always that simple.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 12

captain.sensible

Original post by qwertyking

Life isn't always that simple.

empty statement unless you can be bothered to elaborate upon your ideas which are formed in a objective manner

Reply 13

SophiaKeuning

3

Original post by captain.sensible

I'm sorry but that seems extremely disportionate to something that can simply be kicked or punched away like an unarmed pervert; if you were talking about having loaded guns pointed in your face or being in a pool of sharks then that might apply but attempted rape isn't something that makes you become paralysed.

Um yes it is, rape is perfectly sufficient to make someone feel paralysed or helpless. Jesus, it's crazy how little people understand about human behaviour.

Reply 14

User1214833

16

Original post by captain.sensible

empty statement unless you can be bothered to elaborate upon your ideas which are formed in a objective manner

That's the point - you'll looking at things from a rational point of view. Feelings are often not rational and situations can get very messy. Maybe you'll understand in a few years. Maybe not.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 15

Aivicore

16

Original post by captain.sensible

so she didn't use self-defence, instead, she only tried to "push him back"?
wow, this was rape? believable

Rape does not necessarily have to be violent.

1. Imagine being so emotionally drained, tired, and terrified that you're unable to put up the fight that you're physically capable of.
2. Imagine on top of this that the person attempting to rape you is someone who you don't want to fight with (OP states he is the victim's brother's friend), so initiating any kind of violence is a difficult decision.
3. Imagine that if you become violent with this person, there's every chance they'll become violent back, and be able to overpower you, which would make the situation even worse.

All of these thoughts and the situation happens so quickly that it's impossible to decide on an action. Regardless of whether she fought physically or not, she denied consent verbally. So yes, it was "still" rape if he penetrated her, or sexual assault if he did not.

The fact that you're choosing to label the victim a liar seems strange indeed, since I can't see what she stands to gain from that. She hasn't even tried to press charges.

OP:
I'm glad you're trying to look out for your friend. Try to understand how hard it is to come out and contact the authorities about a person other people know to be a friend. (The same reason so many abused by family members don't report it until years later.)
I think you should discuss going to the police with her, but if she can't stomach that, just be there for her as a friend and let her know she can talk to you about it.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 16

Treeroy

OP

18

Original post by Orthonym

I'm not experienced with this, but I don't know what reporting the guy will do for your friend. If she doesn't want to make fuss about it that's her decision. Also, the guy might have convinced her to agree to sex (or at least stop her saying no, and get some form of consent since I assume some of her clothes had to be removed?) after he pinned her down, even if she didn't really want to. I think the best thing to do is be there for her. She probably knows that she won't let something like that happen again, but tell her she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment and she should yell for help and keep disagreeing if it ever happens again.

Exactly. It's her decision - if she doesn't want to go to the police, then I don't think I want to do that for her.

Original post by Bloxorus

If she didn't do everything in her power to stop it then it can't have been that bad.

I'm sorry but ruining a mans life is a big deal so unless there's good reason (which I don't think there is), don't report it.

Posted from TSR Mobile

What sort of reasoning is that? If you don't want your life "ruined", maybe you shouldn't be ****ing raping people.

Original post by captain.sensible

if I let someone rape me without any kind of hint of opposition, they the other party is under no impression that there is a lack of consent; do you honestly accept the view that before two people have sex, the initiator must ask questions such as "do you, under sound mind and lack of intoxication, consent to my sexual advances?" that is so unreasonable.

I completely agree that if you don't object at all then it's not rape, because the consent is implied (as is the consent in the majority of situations; if you want to have sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend, you don't have to ask permission each time, it's implied by the lack of objections and the continuation of it), but that's not the case here. Did you read the part where I said SHE SAID NO, or she PUSHED HIM AWAY ?

Original post by EL704

I would try to get to contact her parents and tell them how worried you are about her and that something had happened to her. She may feel like you betrayed her trust, but at least someone would be doing something to help her. She's clearly in a mass of denial, not having any prior sexual experience to compare what had happened to her.

She needs help and support and fast.

I hope you manage to get her some help. If you know who it was who did it, you can report it and they'd be able to support you and your friend.

If she still won't talk, or come forward, just be there for her.

--------
Just saw it was a friend of her brother, I would speak to him, tell him how worried you are about her and see if he can get it out of her. If anyone had dared to attack my sister I would string him up.

Yeah, that's exactly the problem. I'm tempted to talk to one of her brothers (though I don't even know which brother the friend is, she has two), but I really don't want to betray her trust. I haven't been in a situation like that before, but I imagine that most people would be best if they saw someone about it, even if they think they're fine. GAH I can't decide what to do. I really care about her, but I don't want to betray her.

Original post by xDave-

That sucks. I wonder if it's a good idea to press the issue if she makes it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it. I'd just offer to talk if she ever felt she needed to, and then hopefully she would. Ideally, you'd get her to go and report it, but it doesn't sound like that'll happen. It'd just be her word vs his anyway, so I doubt anything would happen. Unless you think someone at the party might know something.

You could tell her brother, that'd be interesting! Probably not the best idea though.

Yeah, we actually discussed that, that it's just one person's word vs the other. Though if her brother was told, at least the friend would soon be distanced from her, which would make her feel safer certainly :smile:

Thank you for all the advice so far :smile:

I still can't decide what's best to do though.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 17

SMEGGGY

21

Original post by Treeroy

A while back one of my close friends lost her virginity, and for a while afterwards, she was really jumpy and feeling bad. I knew she didn't like the sex but she wouldn't talk to anyone about it.
Today, she explained what happened to me. It was at a party, she was kissing the guy, but she told him she didn't want it to go further. He said he wanted to have sex with her but she continually said no and pushed him away. She was "pinned down" while trying to push him away, and said he had to stop as she didn't want to and he didn't have a condom. I said to her, "um, so he raped you?" and she was like, "no no, it wasn't rape, don't say that". She said it wasn't a big deal and she had gotten over it, but knew she was shaken up after it. Her argument for it not being rape was that it wasn't violent and that she didn't yell for help or put up a fight like she knows she could have done. She also said he was in her house the other day (he's a friend of her brother's) and she felt scared.

I really want to help her but she won't let me. I get the impression she's ashamed/embarrassed, from the way she was saying things.
I totally respect her and if she doesn't want to make a big deal of it then that's her choice and I get that, and I'm not sure if it's my place to judge or whatever. But I feel like I'm not being a good friend by ignoring it. What should I do?

Sounds like she's got Rape Trauma Syndrome. She's making out to be consensual sex because she didn't scream, or fight him off.

She needs to report him to the Police. It won't be easy with him being her brothers friend, but it has to be done. If not, she'll have to carry it around with her.