The Student Room Group

Too much attention from parents and family

Hey everyone,

I don't know whether this is a common situation, but I suddenly feel that my parents and other family members (aunts, uncles, etc.) are starting to over-care for me. Too much attention, talking too much about my personal life, etc.

I don't know how it is among other families, but I spent my entire childhood and teenage years "on my own", without the intervention of my parents in choices such as which school subjects to take, what should interest me, what friends to choose, etc. We also never discussed about our ideas about life, politics, or other debates at school.
They simply gave me everything I needed, I obeyed them whenever they needed something from me... and I lived my life. Was it wrong?

What's starting to bother me now is that all of a sudden they're worrying about everything. They and all family friends talking with me "ooh, you finished school, so what are you doing at university?" and talking the whole time.
Not that I don't respect their advice or so...but I simply "grew on a different branch", with my own contacts, friends... my life. I know what I like. My parents think they know.

Not only about university and stuff. About my friends. In all these 18 years they never asked me what my friends did. About my girlfriend. About everything that stems from my "private life" (as opposed to my "family life").
Okay, maybe they hinted at it sometimes... but now it's strange: they're using the same language and way of communicating as when they speak with other adults.

Is this normal? Is this because I'm becoming an "adult" and maybe they're expecting me to behave as such and understand their feelings?

Could all these symptoms be a sort of fear because I'm going to university and practically "leaving home"?

They're showing true interest in what I'm doing in my own life. That disturbs me, honestly... and distracts me from my "private life".

They're worrying about me. Yesterday I went to the emergency doctor for some small incident. When I came back home (alone), my father called me on the phone and was emotional and "I'm sorry that I couldn't take you/be with you" and suddenly started crying.

I never saw my parents crying! At least, not in front of me. Nor because of me. That call made me feel totally embarassed actually.

There were similar other situations. Especially my father is becoming very emotional recently. And I hate it.

I don't know what's happening... any clue?
Reply 1
maybe you are dying.. they know, you don't?

nah.. i don't know.. has anything big happened in your family, such as a death...? it does sound a bit weird for them to become so emotinal and clingy all of a sudden.
Reply 2
Maybe this will make the above post a bit more clear:

I was not detached from my parents! At least, I don't think.
But, an example:
When you're a child, they give you toys and you play with the toys on your own. They don't come come and play with you with a genuine interest towards your teddy bear.
When they give you a videogame, you play with the videogame and discover it on my own.
The same thing with me in everything else... friends, school, interests.
They gave me my life :smile: and I used it on my own.
Was it wrong??

The recent events somehow suggest me that it was.
Reply 3
ok.. now i'm lost. maybe you should talk to them and ask them if anything is wrong?
Reply 4
Maybe they only feel they haven't been enough a part of your life, and now that you're leaving they realise time has gone by and they don't want to be left behind. consider the operation thing: normally a family is supposed to be there and take care of you when you are hurt. the fact that you could take care of yourself in a situation like that maybe made them realise you won't be needing them like that anymore. if you'd been a child, they would have driven you there and back and given you hot chocolate when you got back home. but now you're older and can provide for yourself. in a sense, they're losing you, through no fault of yours or theirs. it's just life, and it can hurt for a parent.

As to their talking about your life and everything, that's natural too. i mean, as you said, you're becoming an adult so now they'll start speaking to you as such, as an equal. and between adults, they always discuss careers and stuff. now that you won't be around, the main way for them to know what's happening with you is... talk. so you should expect more of it in the future. and as you move away, maybe you'll feel only too happy to talk.

Maybe the reason why you feel annoyed is because you think they're trying to control your life. i don't think that's what they're trying to do; they're just trying to find their own place in your new life. so whenever you do start getting those pangs of annoyance, try and figure out WHY that is. do you feel it's hypocritical of them to try and intervene now? is it a violation of space you feel somehow no longer belongs to them?

hope this helps. sorry it's so long.
Reply 5
They're panicking because its' sinking in that you're a grown up. Don't worry, and try and enjoy it.... I practically have to force my parents to take an interest in my life. I wish I didn't care so much what they thought :rolleyes:
Are you an only child? Or he last 'child' left? it's a big thing to suddenly after nearly 2 decades have your child up and leave on their own. maybe they arent trying to intervene just want to be involved?
Try having a sit down with them, tell them that while you value their input you have made cartain decisions. ask them if anything is bothering them.
Reply 7
Not so much advice as 'I know how you feel'. I have always been incredibly detached from my family, to the extent where I consider my house as somewhere I lodge rather than living with relatives. I wish so much I had a close family, but at the same time I recognise that it is too late for that and that if my family were to show a sudden interest like yours I have, I would find it very weird and would just end up rowing with them a lot. I guess you've got to try and get used to it, or talk it through with them.
It must be because you are going to uni. Before, they could keep an eye on you (like they knew that you came back home at 8 or 10 or whatever), they knew that you didn't stab anyone or hang out with a gang or were bullied because you lived with them and you weren't really out of the house much, (I know that that's not necessarily true as many parents have no idea that their kids are bullied etc but they think they know everything).

And now you are going to uni - you can kill someone or get someone pregnant or cut your veins open or become a nazi believer. So they want to make sure that you are ready to take on the world. Emotional - it's har to let go of your kids, I guess. Don't worry :smile: Talk to them in the next months or so, make them feel they know you really well and can trust you to go to uni and be a good person. Don't shut them out, that will make them more interferring when you are at uni (e.g. calling all the time, demanding you call, visiting often). Good luck!
Reply 9
My Dad has been the same since I went to uni. And also since his children from his second family thing have also moved away.
It was me going to uni that made him realise that I had grown up now and had my own life and that he didn't know anything about it (I don't live with him). I have always been allowed to choose what I want to do and where I want to go etc like you.

I just answer some questions that he asks and put up with the many needless phone calls and a surprise visit while at uni. There is still a lot of my life that is private from him. If he doesn't ask he doesn't know.
Reply 10
Thank you very much for the helpful advice!

No, I'm the eldest actually, and I have a brother who is a decade younger than me.

Yeah, I guess that they're worried about my future... or better, about how I will manage to survive alone.

Being an adult
The fact is... yeah :smile: I realize that I'm an adult, but speaking as an adult with my parents is strange. I was somehow used to being their "child", trying not to involve them in my "secret games" or anything else I do with my "playmates".
I can speak as an adult with my employer, speak up at job interviews and in front of 5000 people at a political campaign or lead a team of people much older than me, I can give advice to other parents and other adults about questions of life...
but when after 18 years of "being the kid" my parents try to discuss with me about certain things it's too weird (as you may imagine, it turns out that I and my parents have totally opposing views on almost everything in cultural, ideological, religious, political, etc. :biggrin: - probably also due to a totally different educational background - all that is part of my "playground" and I don't want them to interfere with it).

So... I must start realizing that my parents, too, are humans??!!! :smile:

Maybe I don't want to loose the "child-parent" relationship... in which I guess I had a kind of safety... dunno exactly.
Infact, although you always had your own teddy bear or your own "playground", it was your parents who somehow made sure that you were safe in them... when you are outside at night and made whatever bizarre or chaotic acts, you always return home early in the morning.

I think, in the end, it's because I respect them that I fear looking at them as "adults/humans like everyone else".

On the other hand, maybe they do want to make sure that I can live on my own, and if I keep behaving like a child towards them, they will never be able to ascertain this.

It's quite a dilemma...
Reply 11
Infact, another thing I noticed about me is that when I'm around my parents I automatically switch to childish, irresponsible mode. Some mornings I don't make my bed because I know that my mother will do it for me :biggrin:
Or washing plates and such things...

Indeed, maybe I failed to show them my "domestic" independence.
Reply 12
Maybe you should try to act as if you were at work (IE not childish mode as you but it) And treat them like adults.
I have acted like that with my Mum for years, she isn't exactly the typical Mum in that I usually cook my own dinner and I go out clubbing with her. My Dad has started to treat me like an adult and not a child by discussing his problems with me. (We have always had political discussions before though.)

Remember that they are your parents but that doesn't mean you have to agree with their ideologies. I'm the opposite to my Dad, we still talk.