Please help me, I'm 17 and stuck in love with my ex!

Hi, I'm a girl, just turned 17 a few weeks ago. I have spent the past 9 months in absolute agony over my ex-boyfriend, who, dare I say it, I am still completely in love with.

If you could just give me any response I would be so grateful.

I am normally a very high achieving student - but the breakup upset me so much that I started bunking more and more as the weeks went by, until I eventually decided that I was wasting everyone's time, including my own, and I gave up for good. The school was one which I had had to compete to be offered a place in.

I was completely depressed, struggling not to break down in every single class - I was bunking to avoid the humiliation. I would cry at least 3 times a day - and I am not normally an emotional person: for example I never cry at films or books; another example is that I left home a month ago without too much emotion, and definitely no tears.

Having quit school, things took a turn for the worse. Feeling I had no one who truly understood me, ( my family is quite troubled at the moment, and most of my friends haven't had a proper serious relationship) I became totally withdrawn and started just walking by myself by the local river.

The relationship itself was quite on/off, he could never make up his mind whether he wanted me or not - and as I had literally no self confidence back when we first got together, I just took it. Of course it was agony every time he said he felt he wanted a break, or he was too busy for me in his life, but in the end, in a perverse kind of way, I ended up somehow enjoying the suspense and thrill of it all, because it was him, it was something only he could do. And also, I just felt on top of the world, like no words can describe how happy I was, when he changed his mind again.

He also lied a lot at first, outrageously, until I started poking fun of him for it, at which point (though he wouldn't go back on the lies he'd already told) the lies began to fade.

He also didn't see what was wrong with telling me which other girls he fancied/ wanted to have a threeway with. While I don't see anything wrong with men having feelings like this, (of course they do, it's natural) I didn't like how he would tell me about this kind of thing quite a lot. I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting?

And the last thing is I guess is how lazy he was in contacting me/seeing me. He often blanked me, or turned down my suggestions to meet up.

He was always insecure about thinking he was the less good looking one, and it took him a long time to start trusting me properly. I don't know if that's anything to do with it?

Now I know you must be thinking, what a rubbish relationship BUT I think that it was serious, on both parts. For starters, A LOT OF THE ABOVE STOPPED IN THE LAST THREE OR SO MONTHS.

In that time, he could not have been a more perfect partner, kind, caring, loving. He introduced me to his family, who I got on really well with. He and I started having sex. He told me he loved me. He provided so much support for me, including being someone I could go to if things got too bad at home to stay there. I could tell him everything, and I did.

We had some really magical moments and I guess even if he never sees me the way he did, nothing can ever take those memories from me. They are possibly the best memories of my entire life. I am completely stuck in those moments, I really can't stop thinking about them.

And personality wise, we were truly a perfect match. I am normally pretty quiet with people (though I hate being quiet) but with him it was different, right from when we first met. In fact, I even felt attracted to him in a way I never felt with anyone else when I met him. Now I seriously am not a fairytale rubbish believer, but this was the closest to love at first sight as its ever going to get.

Because of the upset, I had to quit the drama class where we met a few weeks after we broke, as I realised that I couldn't cope with seeing him every week. I rejoined two weeks ago, to be quite surprised:

I expected him to blank me, as he had done before, but he didn't, he stared at me the whole way through. He also made a point of waiting alone at the end of the class so I'd have to walk past him. He was hoping I'd speak to him, but I didn't as, at the time, I thought it would be a bad idea to approach him for whatever reason. I just pretended he wasn't there and put on a big show of being over it.

Then a couple of day later he posted a song he'd written on Facebook, which had some pretty upset lyrics in them about a girl. Whether they were about me, I've no idea, who knows, they do give quite mixed messages. He implies that there has been a breakup, and that he misses the person but she's over it. But then he goes on to say that he needs to get away from this person, and that she can't expect him to be waiting for her. Apart from those lyrics, I can see in the video that he is genuinely really upset as he sings it, so who knows what he's thinking. He then hasn't turned up to the class this week.

So that's my situation. I just cam't stop thinking about him, even though I'm busy and have been successful in finding jobs/internships which I am really enjoying. I still cry every night, but at least it isn't in the day any more.

I have learned to suppress my feelings, but they aren't gone.

What do I do? Can I approach him?

Thank you for reading, any responses would help me so much :smile:

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 1

fajita.and.friends

You sound like you've been through a hard time, I really feel for you.

From what I've read, it's hard to tell if he does still have feelings for you or if you're just wishing for them to be there - it's possible, but after 9 months I wouldn't be able to tell. Perhaps it's worth approaching him, but first you have to decide what you want. I think you should first figure out if you really want him back and could deal with his negative sides, and whether it would knock you down further if he rejected you again. Then my advice would be to approach him and tell him how badly you've been affected by the breakup and that you haven't been able to let him go - but for your own good, let him know that if you were to try something again he would need to be serious and committed. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't want to hurt you by constantly leaving you hanging all the time. Overall, you should do whatever will make you the happiest and strongest in the long term, not just the rush you get when he accepts you for a bit to reject you again! Girl power! Oh, and once you've made a decision I would advise you to wait a few days before carrying it out. I recently majorly screwed things up by acting on an impulse recently... But maybe you're less indecisive than I am!

Anyway I hope I helped, best of luck :smile:

Reply 2

username1257670

I feel similarly about someone, so although I appreciate how unhelpful it is to say let it go, LET IT GO! this is one of those things that only time can help with, but you can hasten the process by filling your life with other things. Going for long walks by the river by yourself is the perfect way to obsess over and elongate your feelings towards this boy, as is dropping out of school. Not exactly pro-active.

Reply 3

joker12345

You never clarified what you actually broke up over in the end?
Anyway, it seems possible that he does have feelings for you and approaching him is definitely an option. You need to decide for sure whether you actually want him back though, remember the bad things as well as the good memories.

Reply 4

anonymous_girl56

Original post by joker12345

He broke up with me because, he said, he didn't have time for me. He broke up very suddenly, just a few days before my birthday.

And I would love to have him back - I feel that I've had months to change my mind, but nothing has changed... so I'd give anything for things to go back to the way they were :')

Reply 5

Mankytoes

Original post by anonymous_girl56

You really want to be with someone who clearly cares much less for you than you do for them?

Reply 6

DorianGrayism

I didn't read everything.

Tbh, the issue isn't the break up.

The issue is that that you have not reacted to a normal break up in an appropriate manner.

I wouldn't advice that you talk to him because you are not emotionally mature enough to deal with a relationship and the difficulties that ALL relationships go through.

You sound depressed. I would suggest going to a therapist.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 7

goonermk

I didn't read the whole post. No offence. But it seems like you are a young woman who is hurt from a break up. Nothing strange here at all.

Don't get hung up over a guy. Work on yourself. You are 17. You have got easily another decade to find a life partner.

Focus on self improvement. Find a sport, study etc. Be the best you that you can.

You could spend the rest of your life in bed, crying over a guy you were with for a while. But what would it achieve ?

Ex broke it off with me. I moped around in bed for a weekend. Got a hair cut, brought some clothes that weren't baggy, went to the library and gym, and her friends told me she regretted it a few months later :cool:

And side note, if your feelings are so strong you should just cut all contact with him, if you haven't already.

Reply 8

anonymous_girl56

Original post by goonermk

And side note, if your feelings are so strong you should just cut all contact with him, if you haven't already.

You couldn't be more right, and you seem like you know what you're talking about :smile:

I mean, I've had people tell me to get a life before - and I have. I have got a thousand times better on my instrument, and I also have gone for a series of jobs, of which I got three which I think are absolutely fantastic, and I'm really enjoying. I've also started making much more effort to see friends a lot of the time and everything: so while quitting school seemed like a s*** thing, it's actually really broadened my horizons. I'm working for a highly successful company, a magazine and a music label - so in terms of self development, I am quite proud of what I've achieved.

But I can't help thinking about him, and I do kind of feel empty inside without him, and I know I sound like a right idiot saying this, but I still love him (though I am quite upset with him). And I know that he regrets breaking up with me - I can tell. But I don't know whether I should approach him, and if so, how?

Reply 9

goonermk

Original post by anonymous_girl56

You couldn't be more right, and you seem like you know what you're talking about :smile:

Well done on fixing your act. Keep at it. School isn't for everyone and nice to hear you are doing good.

How can you tell he regrets it ?

You are young. If you think it is worth it then you could go back, talk to him, and clear the air. It might not achieve anything but at least you got it off your chest. I needed to see my ex one last time just to say a few last things, get them off my chest. I never tried to get back, or ask her to change her mind. I just wanted to say bye properly I suppose.

Personally, and this is the advice I always give, if a relationship is going really bad and finishing, you should let it naturally end. Don't force it. Not speaking at all is better than the occasional chit chat. It lets you move on, gives you closure. No need to be friends, it's all a bit messy. Seeing the person may bring back a million emotions which are unnecessary.

If the relationship is dysfunctional don't push it. Try to ignore the person, think about yourself. Again, you are 17. You will meet plenty other guys, if you sort of free your mind.

You said you are 'feeling quite empty' without him. This isn't normal. You should be completely content with who you are. A partner shouldn't change that.

I have a friend who got dumped by her bf, she felt quite empty and hooked up with lots of strangers, as well as slacking in college. Personally I thought it was really quite sad, and it was because she didn't feel content with who she was after the break up.

Reply 10

Chocolatesoup

despite maybe sounding harsh, all Im going to say is, youre young... you have loads of time ahead of you and in ten years (probably not even as long as that but yknow) you wont even remember this guy, this will all be lost in the past.

you have so much to do while youre young, so why waste time being sad over one guy? youre gonna date loads of other people in your life.. its only the beginning of your experiences with relationships and heartbreak. if you were 40 and this was your husband and you had loads of kids a house etc, then yes a break up would be hard to deal with, but you are gonna get dumped and be the dumper loads of times... youre only 17!

so instead of being sad over this guy and letting him effect you, go out with your friends, spend time with people who can cheer you up and distract you.

take up some new hobbies, apply for college/uni/ a job etc. keep yourself busy. maybe volunteer somewhere?

theres more to life than relationships, having a partner in your life is a *bonus*, its an extra, its something added onto life to bring extra happiness. you should be able to be happy without someone, by yourself, depend on yourself. build up your self esteem and concentrate on you. google how to get over a break up, be motivated to make yourself happier, make your life different. youre in control, so why let one guy throw your whole life into disarray? in time you will learn to deal with people coming in and out of your life better, this is a learning experience.

Reply 11

anonymous_girl56

Original post by goonermk

I know he regrets it because whenever I see him round, he gives me these stares, and he just looks so hurt. I mean, I know that look - he really is in a lot of pain. The other thing is, he wrote a song and posted it on Facebook deliberately on a group that we're both part of so that I would see it (we aren't "friends") - and its clearly about us and how he misses me. And whenever I'm standing around chatting to people, he's started loitering on his own quite close by, so it's obvious that he wants to talk to me ( despite the fact that he has blanked me for almost 9 months straight :/ I mean, I even messaged him a few months ago and he blanked it :frown:

)

I mean the other thing is, I also ended up getting with a lot of guys. I mean, like going the whole way. I've stopped now, but I did a lot of sleeping around, which went on for a matter of months. I finally stopped when I realised that no bloke I met like that could replace my ex.

What you were saying about avoiding him - the problem is is that the class we go to every week is my only contact with a large group of people my own age, and while I tried to quit it ( I did for about 8 months, went back 2 weeks ago) I just hated never being round other young people!! So I kind of have to see him around - but I, so far, have only blanked him totally, which I feel like a total w***** for.

And though the relationship started off a bit weirdly - "dysfunctionally" - in the last 3-4 months he just totally changed. It was a great relationship then.

And well, I know I could go and find some other guy, but I just love my ex so so much, and as he clearly misses me, I'm just thinking why not try again?

xoxo

Reply 12

That_Girl!

I've got to admit, apart from the intro TLDR, but I still have advice to give from my own experience. You may not want to hear it, but I broke up with my bf when I was 17 and it took 4 whole years to get over him.

We'd get in touch now and again, which made it harder for me to get over him and I was sort of in denial of how much of a horrible guy he was. I always wanted to get back with him and although I had good reason to believe he was no good for me, I always felt that I'd rather go for it and know that it turned out badly, than to wonder for the rest of my life whether we were made for each other (like I felt we were).

In the end what got me over him was the fact I gave him a chance, and he proved himself to be a horrible person. Knowing I was truly better off without him is what got me through. Shortly after this I got a lot of feelings for another guy and that helped with the ex feelings too.

I hope this might help