This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- Messy roommate
- A level results worries
- AQA A-Level Computer Science NEA grade boundaries
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at a higher ranked uni?
- All-nighter before my final a level exam?
- I don’t know what to do :(
- What to expect in y13 (bio chem maths CS > want to do med)
- Applying loans
- 2025 clearing and russel groups!
- Anxiety with group work
- Leaving a degree apprenticeship halfway to do a tech apprenticeship — help?
- Jobs interviews
- I’m terrified of making a choice
- Art of Problem Solving (AoPS) website for BMO1 prep
- advice/motivation for rest of yr 12 needed please (mentally ill edition)
- Desperate to talk to Student Finance England
- Dentistry Clearing process
- LAMDA GRADE 6 help and advice
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at another uni?
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at another uni?
Need advice before i mess up . . .
Ok people, this will be really long, but i so desperately need advice on this one.
Im with this girl, and weve been going out a month and a half.
To make it more obvious, i'll explain that shes one of those people that changes all the time, and shes ever moving. Infact shes been described as being like an express train - if u manage to hold on for dear life, its a hell of a ride, but if u try to slow the train down ur left for dead.
It makes it really difficult to get close to her, and i often wonder if its anything to do with previous relationship troubles for her.
Essentially, she doesnt seem to let people get close to her very much, and even when she does its a dangerous balance.
For the first month of being with her, it was really intense, and we connected so well you wouldnt believe how unreal it was if i told you. We were both convinced we'd found 'the one,' and so we relaxed and enjoyed the amazing time we were having together. And she was so busy all that time (honestly shes like 7 months older than me an she does more work/jobs for people than my parents do) but even so she'd try so hard to see me as much as she could.
Then, all of a sudden, i hit a rough stage. I got in serious debt, got threatened with being kicked out of home for reasons i think are pointless - plus the parents wanted money off me wen i was in debt, which is by all means impossible for me to deal with!
So i hit a massive low, and my gf thought i was revealing my true colours.
I wasnt, i was just getting through a rough patch.
But the result was, she thought she was in for getting hurt again, and was all of a sudden unsure if i was really as great as she originally thought i was.
So with her being this ever-changing person, her solution was to change herself to suit the problem, which meant ignoring me and spending more time around her 'fun' friends.
It seriously got to the point where she refused to even make eye contact with me one night in the pub.
Lucky for me, her friends told her afterwards she'd been a b*tch, so that night she kinda tried to apologise. Being really hurt, i flipped out and we had a massive 3 hour argument. It concluded with the decision for us to solve these stupid problems.
So we met up the following day, and i managed to hit the nail right on the head. The problem was her changing because she was trying to shield herself from getting hurt, and me reacting badly to that change, and a resulting never-ending circle of worry and bad feeling coming out of that.
But we did fix the problem, and this tuesday, we managed to have an amazing night together. Just like the nights were at the start. She was so happy, and i was 100% certain things were fixed between us.
Then last night, we were getting on great, then she said something mean about herself, and i felt completely closed away from her and refused to talk to her for ages. I just felt realy hurt that she was putting herself down when i'd been trying so hard to build her up and convince her i thought she was amazing.
So wen we went seperate ways last night, apparently she cried all night cos i was 'suddenly changed again' and she couldnt deal with it.
Shes now not really talking to me, and im back to square one.
So whats the problem? What can i do? How can i approach her?
Part of me knows 'leaving her to it' is possibly the best option...but thats difficult sitting back knowing that i could be letting things crumble.
I often think now she might be better off without me - seriously tho i seem to be the only person who can drag her down like that when i get down.
And i cant be afraid to have bad days and feel a bit under the weather just cos im afraid of her 'seeing the bad side of me' and not being so sure anymore.
If u read this far. omg u are a legend!
Just any ideas on the matter wud be much appreciated.
Thanks xxxxx
Im with this girl, and weve been going out a month and a half.
To make it more obvious, i'll explain that shes one of those people that changes all the time, and shes ever moving. Infact shes been described as being like an express train - if u manage to hold on for dear life, its a hell of a ride, but if u try to slow the train down ur left for dead.
It makes it really difficult to get close to her, and i often wonder if its anything to do with previous relationship troubles for her.
Essentially, she doesnt seem to let people get close to her very much, and even when she does its a dangerous balance.
For the first month of being with her, it was really intense, and we connected so well you wouldnt believe how unreal it was if i told you. We were both convinced we'd found 'the one,' and so we relaxed and enjoyed the amazing time we were having together. And she was so busy all that time (honestly shes like 7 months older than me an she does more work/jobs for people than my parents do) but even so she'd try so hard to see me as much as she could.
Then, all of a sudden, i hit a rough stage. I got in serious debt, got threatened with being kicked out of home for reasons i think are pointless - plus the parents wanted money off me wen i was in debt, which is by all means impossible for me to deal with!
So i hit a massive low, and my gf thought i was revealing my true colours.
I wasnt, i was just getting through a rough patch.
But the result was, she thought she was in for getting hurt again, and was all of a sudden unsure if i was really as great as she originally thought i was.
So with her being this ever-changing person, her solution was to change herself to suit the problem, which meant ignoring me and spending more time around her 'fun' friends.
It seriously got to the point where she refused to even make eye contact with me one night in the pub.
Lucky for me, her friends told her afterwards she'd been a b*tch, so that night she kinda tried to apologise. Being really hurt, i flipped out and we had a massive 3 hour argument. It concluded with the decision for us to solve these stupid problems.
So we met up the following day, and i managed to hit the nail right on the head. The problem was her changing because she was trying to shield herself from getting hurt, and me reacting badly to that change, and a resulting never-ending circle of worry and bad feeling coming out of that.
But we did fix the problem, and this tuesday, we managed to have an amazing night together. Just like the nights were at the start. She was so happy, and i was 100% certain things were fixed between us.
Then last night, we were getting on great, then she said something mean about herself, and i felt completely closed away from her and refused to talk to her for ages. I just felt realy hurt that she was putting herself down when i'd been trying so hard to build her up and convince her i thought she was amazing.
So wen we went seperate ways last night, apparently she cried all night cos i was 'suddenly changed again' and she couldnt deal with it.
Shes now not really talking to me, and im back to square one.
So whats the problem? What can i do? How can i approach her?
Part of me knows 'leaving her to it' is possibly the best option...but thats difficult sitting back knowing that i could be letting things crumble.
I often think now she might be better off without me - seriously tho i seem to be the only person who can drag her down like that when i get down.
And i cant be afraid to have bad days and feel a bit under the weather just cos im afraid of her 'seeing the bad side of me' and not being so sure anymore.
If u read this far. omg u are a legend!
Just any ideas on the matter wud be much appreciated.
Thanks xxxxx
Reply 1
just stick by her shes obviously been hurt and you just need to show her how serious you are about her and how you wont hert her.romantic gesture or words from the heart.look her in the eyes and tell her exactly what you feel
Reply 2
Anonymous
shes one of those people that changes all the time, and shes ever moving. Infact shes been described as being like an express train - if u manage to hold on for dear life, its a hell of a ride, but if u try to slow the train down ur left for dead.
It makes it really difficult to get close to her, and i often wonder if its anything to do with previous relationship troubles for her.
Essentially, she doesnt seem to let people get close to her very much, and even when she does its a dangerous balance.
For the first month of being with her, it was really intense, and we connected so well you wouldnt believe how unreal it was if i told you.
It makes it really difficult to get close to her, and i often wonder if its anything to do with previous relationship troubles for her.
Essentially, she doesnt seem to let people get close to her very much, and even when she does its a dangerous balance.
For the first month of being with her, it was really intense, and we connected so well you wouldnt believe how unreal it was if i told you.
There was a little song I learnt at theatre school when I was little, with the lyrics:
I've got [some desirable qualities] aplenty,
I've got [more qualities] galore.
You want [even more great facets]? I got twenty!
But who cares? No big deal. I want more.
"Ron Stoppable" is more than a username; it's a play on words.
I've got [some desirable qualities] aplenty,
I've got [more qualities] galore.
You want [even more great facets]? I got twenty!
But who cares? No big deal. I want more.
"Ron Stoppable" is more than a username; it's a play on words.
Original Poster: Stand by her. She needs your emotional support; so while sorting your things out, let her know she's loved with actions and gestures. After all, despite her A-type personality, she's still human. Do it well and your relationship can only get stronger.
Reply 3
Anonymous
So i hit a massive low, and my gf thought i was revealing my true colours.
So i hit a massive low, and my gf thought i was revealing my true colours.
It sounds to me as though she was just scared about the side of you that she was seeing (although you said you were just going through a rough patch, it is still another side of you that she may see again in the future) and she reacted in the way she thought was best.
Whilst this may not have been the best way to react in the situation, she did what she did for a reason. I think your best bet is to talk things through again so you're both straight in your heads about what the other person feels.
Good luck, if you connected that well in the first month then I think your relationship is worth saving
Sarah xx
Reply 4
You sound like you still really like her despite her faults. Just compliment her lots. Everyone has low days. Maybe it's that time of the month and she feels ugly. All girls get them. I know it took me 3 years to get over one bf who really ****ed me up. I still have some hang ups now! Just talk to her and be open. Try to talk before the problem escalates!
Reply 5
I do still like her.
Way too much.
Its hard to sit back and 'let things happen' when theres so much riding on a situation.
I have talked to her about these things, but the problems are still there. Thats what neither of us can understand.
Its almost like her 'nobody get in my way' ultra busy attitude and my seemingly larger need for her time and affection seem to clash.
I think i'll just sit it out for a while and see what she does. I dont think she'd dump me or anything, because after the things shes said to me i know her feelings are way stronger than the kind you can discard overnight.
So we will stay together i think, atleast for now.
Its just if these problems dont figure themselves down she will get worn out by the effort of trying to keep things ok between us, and she will finish it.
So yeah, the pressures on!. Thanks for your advice guys.
Way too much.
Its hard to sit back and 'let things happen' when theres so much riding on a situation.
I have talked to her about these things, but the problems are still there. Thats what neither of us can understand.
Its almost like her 'nobody get in my way' ultra busy attitude and my seemingly larger need for her time and affection seem to clash.
I think i'll just sit it out for a while and see what she does. I dont think she'd dump me or anything, because after the things shes said to me i know her feelings are way stronger than the kind you can discard overnight.
So we will stay together i think, atleast for now.
Its just if these problems dont figure themselves down she will get worn out by the effort of trying to keep things ok between us, and she will finish it.
So yeah, the pressures on!. Thanks for your advice guys.
Reply 6
She is either immature or mental, dump her.
Reply 7
Be busy with her! In a non sex way. Unless that what you want. If she likes doing loads of stuff then do stuff with her. Otherwise next time go for a more laid back and passive girl!
Hope it all works out for you though! *hugs*
Hope it all works out for you though! *hugs*
Reply 8
When you needed support and were going through a difficult patch instead of helping you she completely ignored you. That seems selfish to me no matter what emotional baggage she is carrying around with her. She seems only concerned about herself and whether she is going to get hurt in the relationship. In a relationship you need someone who is going to support you during the rough times as well as the good times- she seems to have too many issues to do that.
Reply 9
Hang on, you spent the whole night trying to build her up, then the minute she said summat down about herself you went all weird? Maybe she was just checking you, maybe she wanted a bit more reassurance that she was a good 'un. You need to talk to her. Take her out for a drink, build her up like you were before.
Reply 10
She isnt selfish.
When i got down because of all that stuff, she tried so hard to help me, but i was impossible to cheer up or anything. She was trying to make me smile etc etc. But instead i was just set in my ways of being a bit depressive, trying to tackle all the problems one by one.
She couldnt make me cheer up, which made her feel kinda useless and insecure because maybe she felt she wasnt needed?
So she then went off with friends etc and started closing herself off from me by actually avoiding me. So infact i kinda pushed her away, and the problem is repeating itself now, but because she said something mean about herself, that made me feel like sh*t and she read the signals telling her that i'd gone all weird again.
So: recommended course of action?
I reckon seeing her wen i can, but not pressuring her too much, and just chilling out and being a good laugh around her, and if she ever says bad things about herself again, i give her a hug and tell her shes being stupid and infact shes gorgeous? Right?
Oh boy, shes a confusing creature, but i assure you guys shes amazing and wicked as you can get! Very much worth all this extended effort! =]
When i got down because of all that stuff, she tried so hard to help me, but i was impossible to cheer up or anything. She was trying to make me smile etc etc. But instead i was just set in my ways of being a bit depressive, trying to tackle all the problems one by one.
She couldnt make me cheer up, which made her feel kinda useless and insecure because maybe she felt she wasnt needed?
So she then went off with friends etc and started closing herself off from me by actually avoiding me. So infact i kinda pushed her away, and the problem is repeating itself now, but because she said something mean about herself, that made me feel like sh*t and she read the signals telling her that i'd gone all weird again.
So: recommended course of action?
I reckon seeing her wen i can, but not pressuring her too much, and just chilling out and being a good laugh around her, and if she ever says bad things about herself again, i give her a hug and tell her shes being stupid and infact shes gorgeous? Right?
Oh boy, shes a confusing creature, but i assure you guys shes amazing and wicked as you can get! Very much worth all this extended effort! =]
Reply 11
Anonymous
if she ever says bad things about herself again, i give her a hug and tell her shes being stupid and infact shes gorgeous? Right?
Right. All girls do it. If she's worth the effort to you then go for it!
Reply 12
I wonder if she's suffering from depression, it seems if shes shutting herself away alot and avoiding everyone, i'm not certain though.
Related discussions
- Messy roommate
- A level results worries
- AQA A-Level Computer Science NEA grade boundaries
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at a higher ranked uni?
- All-nighter before my final a level exam?
- I don’t know what to do :(
- What to expect in y13 (bio chem maths CS > want to do med)
- Applying loans
- 2025 clearing and russel groups!
- Anxiety with group work
- Leaving a degree apprenticeship halfway to do a tech apprenticeship — help?
- Jobs interviews
- I’m terrified of making a choice
- Art of Problem Solving (AoPS) website for BMO1 prep
- advice/motivation for rest of yr 12 needed please (mentally ill edition)
- Desperate to talk to Student Finance England
- Dentistry Clearing process
- LAMDA GRADE 6 help and advice
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at another uni?
- Is it possible to transfer into Year 2 Civil Engineering at another uni?
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 months ago
What food item are you currently craving?Last reply 5 months ago
Domino's pizza personal size vs small sizeLast reply 7 months ago
Am I the only one who hates holidays especially the summer holidays?Last reply 8 months ago
Anyone else been out of work for 9 years in a row?Last reply 8 months ago
parents wont let me take the course i want to takeLast reply 8 months ago
How do I tell my instructor I don't want lessons with her anymore?Last reply 9 months ago
Where can I find good-quality alternatives to luxury fashion clothing?
How The Student Room is moderated
To keep The Student Room safe for everyone, we moderate posts that are added to the site.
