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Why do girls put up with crap?

I was just watching a crap police show where some policemen were arresting a guy who had been beating his girlfriend and threatening her with a knife. The woman then came round to fend off the policemen.

It got me thinking though. Why do girls make excuses for the guys they like when they're being treated badly: being abused, being cheated on... ?

OK, I'm hoping that none of you girls have suffered the abuse in that show but why do some girls accept being treated badly, when there are so many guys out there who would want to treat you decently?

Reply 1

Biffy Clyro

12

Because they love the person
Because they are scared he'll do something worse if they 'tell on him'
etc...

Reply 2

Gem

14

Usually low self esteem.

The belief that they don't deserve any better and are 'lucky' to be with such a guy.

Sad but true :frown:

Reply 3

Hullabaloo

1

Its a vicious cycle and many women just come to accept the violence and the way they are treated as the 'norm'.

Reply 4

Ron Stoppable

14

My last post for a while - and the answer to this one's easy. :biggrin:

Psychologically, the more someone wants something, the more it will elude them, and so the more they'll chase after it. After a while with an abusive partner, they'll think they have real love - they are harshly brought back down to Earth. So they dust themselves off and persue their prize again.

Watch the relationship between Hanks' and DiCaprio's characters in Catch Me If You Can for another angle on how prized people can make themselves targets who are obsessed over - using a cycle of baiting, getting a bite and releasing - so that their persuers simply cannot leave them without closure.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Ron Stoppable

Watch Tom Hanks' character in Catch Me If You Can for another angle on how prized people can become obsessive targets that you simply cannot leave.

Seen it. Yep he ends up having a profound veneration for Leonardo Dicaprio's character...

I like your post. Yep, I asked the question but I have my own theory too which is pretty close to what you said. The woman/girl wants to convince herself that the person she's with is the one who she is made to be, for whom she has so many strong feelings... almost like she's convincing herself he's more amazing than he truly is. Any abuse/violence/bad treatment is just a wake-up call that she tries to ignore to avoid the fact that a) the guy might not feel the emotions she imagines he does b) he's probably not a very decent individual

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Gem

Usually low self esteem.

The belief that they don't deserve any better and are 'lucky' to be with such a guy.

Sad but true :frown:

I believe that too but the truth is, a lot of such girls could get much better (in terms of a happy relationship, not necessarily in terms of a guy they find attractive) if they wanted to. I get the impression they try to convince themselves that the guy (who doesn't care that much about them, who is a complete arsehole) is the person they're supposed to have a relationship with.

A bit like how certain girls always go for the rough type only to be treated like ****, yet they'll go back for more and more because they want things to work with THAT type of guy. They don't want to go for the easy option...

Reply 7

nettle7

Anonymous

A bit like how certain girls always go for the rough type only to be treated like ****, yet they'll go back for more and more because they want things to work with THAT type of guy. They don't want to go for the easy option...

Agreed. The thing is, I see myself more suited to a relationship with somebody like Cain Dingle than say, Ashley Peacock. Sometimes it scares me.

Reply 8

abc137

Because they love them and don't want to lose them, believe they can't live without them

Because they haven't found one of the guys who will treat them better, and don't believe they're out there

I'm having this problem at the moment, and wondering why on earth i still love him... does anyone know?!

Reply 9

Anthonyjm71

9

It does matter how much you love someone. lf they're attacking you then , you've got to end it..Shouldn't have to put up with that no matter how scared you're of them.You've got to put a stop to it.

Reply 10

Jen2327

1

scared of getting hurter later on!
losing everything,
low self esteem.
and love

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

xSweetheartx

Because they love them and don't want to lose them, believe they can't live without them

Because they haven't found one of the guys who will treat them better, and don't believe they're out there

I'm having this problem at the moment, and wondering why on earth i still love him... does anyone know?!

In what way is he not treating you well?

To the people answering "it's because of love", that's pretty obvious. The question is "why do they love a person like this in the first place?". I don't believe that the bad treatment is totally unpredictable when the girl meets the guy. At least for another guy it's totally obvious.

As for there not being any guys out there who will treat them better, do girls honestly believe that? I just reckon they're not interested in the guys who will treat them well. They're just not their "type".

Reply 12

Bubblebee

15

I asked my mum this, as in her first marriage she was beaten up regularly. She said that it was embarassment that kept her from telling, and the thought people wouldn't believe her! I guess you never really know how you would act in that situation unless you had been there.

Reply 13

1013

1

Because guys who do that also tend to tell the woman that they are worthless and that no other guy will ever have them. After a while the woman starts to believe it and, in doing so, starts to believe that she is lucky to have the guy she is with. Some women would rather put up with beatings than face the idea of being alone. It's all about self-esteem.

Reply 14

WokSz

17

Firstly, I don't believe all these cop shows. I'm sure some of the cases are set up.
Secondly, maybe the men are really good normally, but have the occasional breakout?

Reply 15

dyslexic_banana

1

Anonymous

In what way is he not treating you well?

To the people answering "it's because of love", that's pretty obvious. The question is "why do they love a person like this in the first place?". I don't believe that the bad treatment is totally unpredictable when the girl meets the guy. At least for another guy it's totally obvious.

As for there not being any guys out there who will treat them better, do girls honestly believe that? I just reckon they're not interested in the guys who will treat them well. They're just not their "type".

Spot on; especially the final paragraph. Very few of other people's posts attempt to explain why these women go for these guys in the first place, turning nice guys down along the way. They don't explain why they love them, in the first place (how could you love an ar**hole? And why would you like being treated badly?), and saying that it's hard to finish things seems a weak argument, in my eyes, when women are renowned for dumping men for silly reasons.

Still, I'll resist the urge to go into this, again (for now....).

Reply 16

Doodahdoo

13

No, it is about low self-esteem, believing that you don't deserve anyone better.

The thing is, most abusive relationships are a vicious cycle. The abuser hurts the abusee. However, then they do the whole "I'm so sorry, I really love you" and things are wonderful and brilliant until the next punch-up.

This then makes the abusee feel like its ok, its not really a problem, as he does say sorry. And he does love me, and care for me a lot, when hes not angry.

However, one thing that pisses me off is the lack of awareness of female-abuser relationships. The female abuses the male - physically, but more commonly - psychologically. And yet it goes almost unnoticed. Gah.

Reply 17

sr4470

15

Gem

Usually low self esteem.

Number one problem I think.

Reply 18

dyslexic_banana

1

Simulatio

The thing is, most abusive relationships are a vicious cycle. The abuser hurts the abusee. However, then they do the whole "I'm so sorry, I really love you" and things are wonderful and brilliant until the next punch-up.

This then makes the abusee feel like its ok, its not really a problem, as he does say sorry. And he does love me, and care for me a lot, when hes not angry.

I've never really understood this sort of argument; why not just opt for the guy who doesn't do it at all, rather than for the guy who does it, and then apologises? It's not as if there isn't a plentiful supply of guys who wouldn't do it at all.

Kudos to you for your last paragraph, after the above, though.

Reply 19

Doodahdoo

13

dyslexic_banana

I've never really understood this sort of argument; why not just opt for the guy who doesn't do it at all, rather than for the guy who does it, and then apologises? It's not as if there isn't a plentiful supply of guys who wouldn't do it at all.

Kudos to you for your last paragraph, after the above, though.

Thanks

Why not opt for the guy? I don't know. Personally, I've never been in an abusive relationship, thank god. I've talked to people who have before, and the majority does tend to suffer a floored self-esteem, which is really quite sad.
While they're in this relationship, they're in a relationship. It sounds stupid, but for some people, being in a relationship - even an abusive relationship - is still someting, and it still "fills up" their belief in them having a relationship.
And although the lows are low, the highs are pretty high, too.

Similar to this, sort of - I've got a friend who is Bipolar. She has highs and lows - but is on medication. She stopped taking the medication though, simply because she missed the highs.
As she said; "The lows were suicidally awful. But when you get that high - oh god, its worth it."
And in a similar way - the lows are awful, the abuse is damaging - emotionally, and physically, but the highs are pretty good.

One other thing is that the abuser often has a lot of power - emotionally and physically. Its quite rare to have a physical abuser that doesn't use an element of psychological abuse, too. Quite simply - the abusee doesn't see a way out.

Why do girls put up with crap?

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