Please help me understand

I have an issue that has been affecting me for 7 months. I’ll try to briefly describe the situation. I met this girl at the university halls where we were neighbors for about one and a half months and we had a friendly relationship until she left for summer. Before she left she came to my room to say goodbye and promised that we would keep in touch and hang out again when we are back at the university. This was the last time I ever had any real communication with her since after that she started ignoring me and didn't answer even once when I talked to her.

A short period of time after she left my PhD offer and scholarship were lost due to a paperwork mistake of someone at the university human resources. I was completely devastated and I was very weak and my thoughts were not clear. I sent her a song that I liked and the next day she cut me off. I ended up writing a very emotional and desperate message asking her why she cut me off and that I really liked and respected her and wanted to be her friend and later telling her that I lost my PhD offer and that if we talked I would feel better even if she told me to never bother her again. Her boyfriend (who I’ve only met for less than 5 minutes in person) answered saying that I was acting like an obsessed maniac and that I don’t know her and she doesn’t want to know me and that I should get some perspective in life. This only made me feel worse and I ended up writing six more messages to her over the next three weeks trying to apologize and then I stopped since she ignored all of them. It was very painful losing a friend and being called an obsessed maniac one day after losing my PhD offer.

About two months later my PhD offer got reestablished and with a much clearer mind I tried to apologize again and clear things up and explain to her that it was all because of the effect of the loss of my PhD offer. Her boyfriend answered once again telling me that I was acting like an obsessed stalker and that my messages were relentless and also threatened to involve the police. The total number of messages I sent to her through this whole situation was 11 and none of them were disrespectful or offensive in any way. Because of this i am broken and I suffer daily from anxiety and guilt to the point that I experience physical pain.

I decided to describe everything to the University harassment team including all the messages and excluding her and her boyfriend’s name. They told me that the law would be on my side if anything happened but I am still very affected by this because I really thought she was a nice person and I can’t understand how she could act like that without any guilt. I am now waiting for an appointment with the counseling team because i am very damaged from all this.

Please help me understand this situation. I know that you don’t have any answers but some insight would really help me.

Why didn’t she tell me herself if I made her uncomfortable? If she had told me even once to stop talking to her I would have respected that because I respect her.

Why did she answer through her boyfriend in such an aggressive way?
Did I scare her? Did I really act like a stalker? Would I have trouble with the police if she went to them?

Did she not understand how severely affected I was by the loss of my PhD offer? She showed absolutely no compassion or sympathy towards me, it was absolutely cruel and it really didn't feel like the person I met at the halls.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 1

Jo from AVA

Hi

Thanks for your message.
It is really hard for me to comment without hearing from her and how she feels. It sounds like possibly she may have a boyfriend who is quite controlling and that he did not like another guy messaging her? Or maybe she had had a bad experience in the past and your messages triggered something and it upset her, in which case it would have been really hard for her to tell you that. Or she may have just found your initial messages quite intense and did not know how to respond.

I know none of these explanations will help, and you may never get to the bottom of what happened. I think it's great that you have got some counselling lined up and you are also able to complete your phd. It's important now to try and move on and focus on your studies. I can't really comment on how she felt or what the police would say if they saw the messages as I don't know what they involved, but you have taken advice at uni and hopefully that helped to reassure you.

There is more info about stalking here if you think that will help:
http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/

take care
Jo

Reply 2

Mako

Thank you for the answer

Original post by Jo from AVA

It sounds like possibly she may have a boyfriend who is quite controlling and that he did not like another guy messaging her?

Jo

This possibility has been suggested by every one I have ever talked to, even by every single person that I showed the messages to at the University support services. I really hope its not true and that she is with someone that loves and respects her.

Original post by Jo from AVA

Or maybe she had had a bad experience in the past and your messages triggered something and it upset her, in which case it would have been really hard for her to tell you that.
Jo

I have thought of this before. The idea that I might have upset her by bringing back bad memories really makes me feel bad.

Original post by Jo from AVA

Or she may have just found your initial messages quite intense and did not know how to respond.
Jo

My initial messages were indeed intense but they were only two and what I said was only that i respected her and that I had feelings for her but just wanted to be her friend and that it hurt me that she cut me off on top of losing my PhD. I don't think that is a valid reason for her to make her boyfriend call me an obsessed maniac. (Edited) On the other hand, even if this is the reason I would still respect her because i realize that not all the people are the same and this was what made her more comfortable. It is very unfair to me though and I wish she would have expressed her feelings in a more straightforward way, I would have respected her.

Original post by Jo from AVA

I know none of these explanations will help, and you may never get to the bottom of what happened. I think it's great that you have got some counselling lined up and you are also able to complete your phd. It's important now to try and move on and focus on your studies. I can't really comment on how she felt or what the police would say if they saw the messages as I don't know what they involved, but you have taken advice at uni and hopefully that helped to reassure you.

There is more info about stalking here if you think that will help:
http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/

take care
Jo

Thank you, your answer did help. I am trying very hard to move on and it really bothers me that I will never know the truth but at least some time ago had closure, she knows I have informed the university about this.

Thank you for you time

Please help me understand

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