Advice please!
Posting here because I don't think the person involved will read it - I'm no longer a student but in a graduate level job....hopefully though someone can shed some light on it!
I am in what I think is a really complicated, and ridiculous, position
and am really not sure what to do any more, as everything I try seems
to escalate matters.
I was good friends with another guy for about 2 years - during the end
of uni and in the first year of our graduate-level job. We would quite
often do stuff together, and would talk quite a lot about most things.
We are both gay men, and this is where the first problem started.
Early last year, I asked him out, and he said no but let's just carry
on being friends. Whilst I was disappointed, I was pleased that we
could still be friends. We'd both started using online dating at the
same time, and I knew I'd find someone in the end.
Things were fine / normal for quite a while - we would chat about the
people we were dating, and when one person he was seeing moved
suddenly to South America, who did he call at 11pm to discuss it? Me.
Anyway, over the summer, I was aware he was dating a new guy. I was
also starting to date somebody. I notices that, whereas we previously
would do things together, this was now less the case. I presumed this
was just because he was seeing somebody and things were still fine,
but I started to get the impression I was being actively avoided.
I'm quite a direct person so I just outright asked (in a message)
whether I'd done anything, to which I was told, equally bluntly, "no".
One day, we were supposed to be going out after work with a group of
friends, but he then said that instead of coming with the group, he
was going to go out with more senior people for a drink. I was quite
surprised about this. The others then cancelled the drinks altogether
so I was leaving the office in a pretty bad mood, as I'd moved things
(including a date) around to accommodate this, which now wasn't
happening. As I was leaving, so was he - he asked whether I wanted to
go with him and the "senior" people, which I didn't, as I didn't get
on with them. He seemed a bit disappointed and said he had been hoping
to catch up, but I now wasn't in the mood and just wanted to go home.
However, a few minutes later, I started to feel guilty about it - I
had been the one trying to catch up with him for so long, and
wondering if something was up, now I was being anti-social and grumpy
for no reason, so I reluctantly phoned him - he waited for me and we
went for drinks with the people I didn't particularly like.
Instead of talking to me, he was clearly trying to impress the senior
people - fine, you have to make an effort, but I wasn't in the mood.
You know the type of evening - you don't like the venue (outside,
busy), the drink, the company, and you start to wonder why you're
there. I probably wasn't giving off "conversational" vibes.
I noticed he had now stopped talking to the senior people and was in
the corner texting. I went over and we had a perfectly fine, if
superficial, conversation. I got the sense neither of us were in the
mood, and I was thinking about leaving. So instead of catching up, it
was a kind of strained conversation. He then said "ooh, my boyfriend
is out tonight and he is next door, he's going to come here." This was
the final straw for me, it embarrasses me to say. I pushed my drink
away and said something like "right, well, I'll just go home after all
then". I left straight away - I got a glimpse of his face, which was,
surprisingly to me, very angry.
We didn't mention this incident as I was annoyed - with myself for
going in the first place and for not being more dignified, and with
him for the general lack of catch up over the last months.
I then started to avoid him, feeling that I was being taken for
granted. In the end, I sent a message saying something like "let me
know when you are free, I think there are a few things we need to
discuss." He didn't, but then out of the blue one day he called me and
asked if I wanted to go to an art gallery and some lunch as it was a
nice day. This surprised me but I did go, and the precious events
weren't mentioned. We had a good day, but I was still confused by this
blowing "hot / cold". We then didn't see each other for a while, so
after about 6 weeks, I asked him whether he was free one weekend for a
coffee - he wasn't. And so it went for over two months - I'd ask maybe
once every other week, and he'd be busy, and not suggest a different
time / day. In the end, I gave up. I asked again whether there was a
problem - he said no. I left it for a month, and then asked again
whether he was free - nope. I then sent him a list of the recent times
I'd asked to meet up in a jokey way and said "you must see why I think
there's an issue - what's going on?" He responded by sending me a
jokey message totally avoiding the question.
I chatted to a mutual friend who said he'd mentioned to the friend
that he was "worried" about me, because of the incident where I had
"stormed out". I immediately sent a more formal message laying
everything out, and just saying that I was going to stop asking, but
wanted to be his friend. - did he. He responded four days later in a
very terse e-mail, saying I had t done anything and that he hadn't
caught up with anybody lately. He then said given I had previously
asked him out, he thought the message was a bit much.
I was really angry because he had repeatedly said everything was fine,
clearly it was far from fine. I didn't know what to do, so I said that
I thought we should meet up to discuss whatever the issue was. I
didn't get a reply.
Eventually, we did meet up - he initially suggested going to a meeting
room at work to have a "quick chat", but I didn't think that this was
appropriate so we stood outside - he was really jokey when he met me,
in a kind of "this is really awkward" kind of way. Anyway, he just
said things had got weird between us, he was in a relationship now and
he thought it best if we didn't see each other at all outside of work
- he wanted to "remain civil" at work. I said that if the issue was he
needed more space then that was fine, but what had I done to warrant
being dumped as a friend. We have a huge circle of friends and it
would be really awkward. He just said I'd been odd, he had blocked me
on FB to "protect" his new partner, and whatever I wanted he couldn't
give me because if I didn't know my behaviour was odd, he couldn't
keep telling me. He didn't look me in the eye, and when I put my side
of the story, he seemed genuinely surprised and started blinking like
he was going to cry. He said "I've decided, I know it's not what you
want but it's for the best."
So it's now four months on, and I am still upset. We are, now,
friendly at work - I initially went into protective mode and just
totally blanked him in meetings to the point where I wouldn't take
directions to the toilet from him. That was a wake up call, because he
was being perfectly normal, all smiles, so I emulated it.
The problem is that I still think about it a lot; our mutual friends
are torn between us, and fundamentally I don't understand what has
happened because he hasn't told me. I definitely don't have feelings
for him, and I've been going out with someone since June last year. My
partner's view is that it's because I asked him out, and he doesn't
trust himself / me not to jeopardise his current relationship. This
surprises me because he dated a few guys after I asked him, and
everything was fine.
So, how do I get closure? And, what the hell went on? And, why am I so
bothered? I say it's because, as a lawyer, I analyse problems and hate
not having a resolution - this, to me, defies logic. And I need
somebody to explain what I did wrong in all of this. Bear in mind we work together, and it's like Jekyll & Hyde - in work he is very friendly (presumably he hates me so it's all fake) - acts the same.
We got on really well, and even since I asked him out, we got on just
the same - no issue. I do trace it back to when he started seeing his
current partner, and I worry that I didn't give him space at first -
totally my fault. I look back and wish I had done things differently.
His best friend has said to me that I am over analysing it and nothing
I did in the summer would have made a difference.
Help, please! What a mess!
I am in what I think is a really complicated, and ridiculous, position
and am really not sure what to do any more, as everything I try seems
to escalate matters.
I was good friends with another guy for about 2 years - during the end
of uni and in the first year of our graduate-level job. We would quite
often do stuff together, and would talk quite a lot about most things.
We are both gay men, and this is where the first problem started.
Early last year, I asked him out, and he said no but let's just carry
on being friends. Whilst I was disappointed, I was pleased that we
could still be friends. We'd both started using online dating at the
same time, and I knew I'd find someone in the end.
Things were fine / normal for quite a while - we would chat about the
people we were dating, and when one person he was seeing moved
suddenly to South America, who did he call at 11pm to discuss it? Me.
Anyway, over the summer, I was aware he was dating a new guy. I was
also starting to date somebody. I notices that, whereas we previously
would do things together, this was now less the case. I presumed this
was just because he was seeing somebody and things were still fine,
but I started to get the impression I was being actively avoided.
I'm quite a direct person so I just outright asked (in a message)
whether I'd done anything, to which I was told, equally bluntly, "no".
One day, we were supposed to be going out after work with a group of
friends, but he then said that instead of coming with the group, he
was going to go out with more senior people for a drink. I was quite
surprised about this. The others then cancelled the drinks altogether
so I was leaving the office in a pretty bad mood, as I'd moved things
(including a date) around to accommodate this, which now wasn't
happening. As I was leaving, so was he - he asked whether I wanted to
go with him and the "senior" people, which I didn't, as I didn't get
on with them. He seemed a bit disappointed and said he had been hoping
to catch up, but I now wasn't in the mood and just wanted to go home.
However, a few minutes later, I started to feel guilty about it - I
had been the one trying to catch up with him for so long, and
wondering if something was up, now I was being anti-social and grumpy
for no reason, so I reluctantly phoned him - he waited for me and we
went for drinks with the people I didn't particularly like.
Instead of talking to me, he was clearly trying to impress the senior
people - fine, you have to make an effort, but I wasn't in the mood.
You know the type of evening - you don't like the venue (outside,
busy), the drink, the company, and you start to wonder why you're
there. I probably wasn't giving off "conversational" vibes.
I noticed he had now stopped talking to the senior people and was in
the corner texting. I went over and we had a perfectly fine, if
superficial, conversation. I got the sense neither of us were in the
mood, and I was thinking about leaving. So instead of catching up, it
was a kind of strained conversation. He then said "ooh, my boyfriend
is out tonight and he is next door, he's going to come here." This was
the final straw for me, it embarrasses me to say. I pushed my drink
away and said something like "right, well, I'll just go home after all
then". I left straight away - I got a glimpse of his face, which was,
surprisingly to me, very angry.
We didn't mention this incident as I was annoyed - with myself for
going in the first place and for not being more dignified, and with
him for the general lack of catch up over the last months.
I then started to avoid him, feeling that I was being taken for
granted. In the end, I sent a message saying something like "let me
know when you are free, I think there are a few things we need to
discuss." He didn't, but then out of the blue one day he called me and
asked if I wanted to go to an art gallery and some lunch as it was a
nice day. This surprised me but I did go, and the precious events
weren't mentioned. We had a good day, but I was still confused by this
blowing "hot / cold". We then didn't see each other for a while, so
after about 6 weeks, I asked him whether he was free one weekend for a
coffee - he wasn't. And so it went for over two months - I'd ask maybe
once every other week, and he'd be busy, and not suggest a different
time / day. In the end, I gave up. I asked again whether there was a
problem - he said no. I left it for a month, and then asked again
whether he was free - nope. I then sent him a list of the recent times
I'd asked to meet up in a jokey way and said "you must see why I think
there's an issue - what's going on?" He responded by sending me a
jokey message totally avoiding the question.
I chatted to a mutual friend who said he'd mentioned to the friend
that he was "worried" about me, because of the incident where I had
"stormed out". I immediately sent a more formal message laying
everything out, and just saying that I was going to stop asking, but
wanted to be his friend. - did he. He responded four days later in a
very terse e-mail, saying I had t done anything and that he hadn't
caught up with anybody lately. He then said given I had previously
asked him out, he thought the message was a bit much.
I was really angry because he had repeatedly said everything was fine,
clearly it was far from fine. I didn't know what to do, so I said that
I thought we should meet up to discuss whatever the issue was. I
didn't get a reply.
Eventually, we did meet up - he initially suggested going to a meeting
room at work to have a "quick chat", but I didn't think that this was
appropriate so we stood outside - he was really jokey when he met me,
in a kind of "this is really awkward" kind of way. Anyway, he just
said things had got weird between us, he was in a relationship now and
he thought it best if we didn't see each other at all outside of work
- he wanted to "remain civil" at work. I said that if the issue was he
needed more space then that was fine, but what had I done to warrant
being dumped as a friend. We have a huge circle of friends and it
would be really awkward. He just said I'd been odd, he had blocked me
on FB to "protect" his new partner, and whatever I wanted he couldn't
give me because if I didn't know my behaviour was odd, he couldn't
keep telling me. He didn't look me in the eye, and when I put my side
of the story, he seemed genuinely surprised and started blinking like
he was going to cry. He said "I've decided, I know it's not what you
want but it's for the best."
So it's now four months on, and I am still upset. We are, now,
friendly at work - I initially went into protective mode and just
totally blanked him in meetings to the point where I wouldn't take
directions to the toilet from him. That was a wake up call, because he
was being perfectly normal, all smiles, so I emulated it.
The problem is that I still think about it a lot; our mutual friends
are torn between us, and fundamentally I don't understand what has
happened because he hasn't told me. I definitely don't have feelings
for him, and I've been going out with someone since June last year. My
partner's view is that it's because I asked him out, and he doesn't
trust himself / me not to jeopardise his current relationship. This
surprises me because he dated a few guys after I asked him, and
everything was fine.
So, how do I get closure? And, what the hell went on? And, why am I so
bothered? I say it's because, as a lawyer, I analyse problems and hate
not having a resolution - this, to me, defies logic. And I need
somebody to explain what I did wrong in all of this. Bear in mind we work together, and it's like Jekyll & Hyde - in work he is very friendly (presumably he hates me so it's all fake) - acts the same.
We got on really well, and even since I asked him out, we got on just
the same - no issue. I do trace it back to when he started seeing his
current partner, and I worry that I didn't give him space at first -
totally my fault. I look back and wish I had done things differently.
His best friend has said to me that I am over analysing it and nothing
I did in the summer would have made a difference.
Help, please! What a mess!
I don't really know what to advise but I think you need to stop over analysing everything with this guy and focus instead on your relationship. By reminiscing about the guy, you're just letting yourself remember the bad and causing yourself unnecessary negative feelings. I would suggest remaining civil with the guy at work but avoiding anything more than that.
In terms of what you did wrong, you shouldn't have kept trying to meet up with him as he clearly didnt want to but I understand that you were just trying to salvage a friendship. Just give him space and concentrate on the positives in your life now :-) hope I helped.
In terms of what you did wrong, you shouldn't have kept trying to meet up with him as he clearly didnt want to but I understand that you were just trying to salvage a friendship. Just give him space and concentrate on the positives in your life now :-) hope I helped.
I think what happened is that he seriously fell for his current boyfriend who may see you as a bit of a threat. That doesn't have to be rational at all and he may not be aware of it himself. This happens all the time to straight couples where the best friend of the opposite gender is sometimes naturally dropped for the girlfriend / boyfriend, especially if the relationship is really serious but the girlfriend / boyfriend didn't know the best friend at all before the relationship.
In short, I don't think you did anything wrong, but because you kept asking him to meet up you maybe gave off a needy vibe, which (even if it wasn't neediness on your part!) to him subconsciously reinforced the idea that it's in his and his partner's interest to freeze you out. He's just not that interested in you as a friend any more - to the point where meeting up seems a bit of a chore - and he now prefers devoting that attention to his boyfriend.
It happens all the time; just move on.
In short, I don't think you did anything wrong, but because you kept asking him to meet up you maybe gave off a needy vibe, which (even if it wasn't neediness on your part!) to him subconsciously reinforced the idea that it's in his and his partner's interest to freeze you out. He's just not that interested in you as a friend any more - to the point where meeting up seems a bit of a chore - and he now prefers devoting that attention to his boyfriend.
It happens all the time; just move on.
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