boyfriend and counselling

i'm posting cos i'm worried about my boyfriend i guess. his older brother is a total loser who caused a lot of problems when he was growing up (drug addict/dealer, was aggressive and violent, even pulled a knife on them) and as a result almost every day the first and last thing he would hear was his parents shouting at his brother. the rows were really serious and his parents have never kicked him out for various reasons, one being that they were worried he would get onto really serious drugs like heroin.

anyway, as a result of this whole situation the brother is still living at home and the entire family are in counselling AND on anti depressants, with the exception of my boyfriend. he has always been the one his parents can rely on to be strong, and he looks out for his younger sister who was particularly badly affected by all the arguments (she self harms and was badly depressed i think).

the thing is, he's never had a chance to get angry about this as he's always been the perfect son, and the strong one. none of his family realise that the whole thing still really upsets him, and it's the one thing he actually cries to me about cos it gets him down/angers him so much. he's a shy person and does everything possible to avoid confrontation, to the extent that he really can't deal with confrontation of any sort and it's affecting his life. i think together we've realised it was affecting our relationship and it kind of made him realise he needs to have counselling too, not for us for just because he needs to see that not all arguments are negative.

so, if you couldn't be bothered to read all that, he's decided to have counselling just to try and come to terms with how his brother is/work out how to deal with all his feelings. in the meantime, what can i do? i talk to him but i feel so involved and feel so angry towards his brother that i'm probably not an objective person to talk to at all :frown:

. also, he really can't deal with any sort of disagreement so just won't say anything...what should i do about that?

Reply 1

envoy

I'm not sure that there is anything you can do other than what you are already doing- as you acknowledge it has been easier for him to avoid confrontation and perhaps counselling is something that will help him to understand why he does that and to accept that avoidance often just makes things worse.

No doubt you have your own reactions to the situation, but I think it might help for you to bear in mind that, though the situation has affected both of you, the primary reason for your boyfriend going into counselling seems to be for himself. He needs to be angry *for* himself and to express that himself; perhaps you being angry on his behalf stops him from doing that because he reacts to the confrontation of it and not what motivates it? He probably understands why the issue is emotive for you, but maybe it would help to state it to him and to remind him that your anger is about the situation and not directed at him. I think the fact that you know you aren't the most objective person puts your streets ahead of others in similar circumstances.

Reply 2

ladyportacabin

8

Poor guy, sounds like he's grown up in a horrible situation. There's not much you can do but be there for him and listen when he wants to talk. Hopefully he will eventually become more open about how he is feeling. The counselling should help.

boyfriend and counselling

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