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Lies lies....I knew it would all be lies

But there was hope....For the past year or so I've been looking forward to turning 18 because my mum promised that she would relinquish some of the ties she has on me...i.e give me more freedom. I mean at 17, she would rarely let me go out with my friends and insist on me being home early if I was allowed out. If I was lucky, I was allowed to stay out to 10pm. But she would always say...this is just until you're 18. I knew it was all a bunch of lies, but I suppose I wanted it to be true. So I'm 18 now, and things are pretty much the same. Recently, I've been feeling very miserable, don't feel confident within myself for a number of different reasons, and for me the only way to forget about these things is to have fun with my friends. I went on holiday with my friends a couple of weeks ago, and really enjoyed myself. It was like a breath of fresh air to be without the constraints enforced by my mum...I felt free!. I would go clubbing with my friends and arrive home at 7am in the morning! But now i'm back, mum is at it again. She makes me be home by 11.30, when she promised that things would change. Twice I've had to leave my friends early to go home, and it's just no fun. I want things to change, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I don't want to anger my mum (she has a short temper), but I'm 18 now, an adult, and I deserve freedom!

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Reply 1
Can I ask what your background is (cultural, race)? I think it can be a key factor in why your mum is trying to control you...(or appears to be doing so, from what you've said).
you could try negotiating that you always tell her your movements? that's how I got my mom to let me out with my best guy friend. I promised her that whenever I move from one place to another, I tell her. I'm 18 too :smile:
Reply 3
Anonymous
But there was hope....For the past year or so I've been looking forward to turning 18 because my mum promised that she would relinquish some of the ties she has on me...i.e give me more freedom. I mean at 17, she would rarely let me go out with my friends and insist on me being home early if I was allowed out. If I was lucky, I was allowed to stay out to 10pm. But she would always say...this is just until you're 18. I knew it was all a bunch of lies, but I suppose I wanted it to be true. So I'm 18 now, and things are pretty much the same. Recently, I've been feeling very miserable, don't feel confident within myself for a number of different reasons, and for me the only way to forget about these things is to have fun with my friends. I went on holiday with my friends a couple of weeks ago, and really enjoyed myself. It was like a breath of fresh air to be without the constraints enforced by my mum...I felt free!. I would go clubbing with my friends and arrive home at 7am in the morning! But now i'm back, mum is at it again. She makes me be home by 11.30, when she promised that things would change. Twice I've had to leave my friends early to go home, and it's just no fun. I want things to change, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I don't want to anger my mum (she has a short temper), but I'm 18 now, an adult, and I deserve freedom!




Pick an answer.

either A>

whilst your living under her roof you should do as your told. shes only doing that as she cares for you and you obviously havent proved to her yet that you can't be trusted out later... .

or B>

You're 18, an adult now old enough to make your own decisions. sit her down, have a chat (no shouting or anything) and tell her that now you're 18 you will go out and go clubbing and come back whatever time, and thats the end of it.
Reply 4
sr4470
Can I ask what your background is (cultural, race)? I think it can be a key factor in why your mum is trying to control you...(or appears to be doing so, from what you've said).


I'm black, of african descent. I don't really believe that culture is particularly an issue. My mum is just very controlling
Reply 5
Anonymous
I'm black, of african descent. I don't really believe that culture is particularly an issue. My mum is just very controlling


What about your dad? What does he think? (if you even live with him, that is)
Reply 6
I don't live with him
Reply 7
Anonymous
I don't live with him


Dont know if thats good or bad to be honest.
perfect response to "u live under this roof, u live under these rules" is to just say when you go to uni you won't come back. it'll actually make her think

fight the power, luv
Reply 9
sr4470
Dont know if thats good or bad to be honest.


what?

billbonesknowswhatimean
perfect response to "u live under this roof, u live under these rules" is to just say when you go to uni you won't come back. it'll actually make her think.

fight the power, luv


I'm counting down the days until uni...can't wait!
Reply 10
I had a similar kind of thing, my mum would often have a moan when i arrived in at 1am etc. whichw as fair enough i guess.

In my case i just persevered and kept doing it, and now she's fine with it, although it was probably helped that with my job i often don't arrivein till about 2-3am though.
Reply 11
Anonymous
what?


The not living with your dad part.
Reply 12
yeah I got that but I'm not quite sure how whether or not i live with my dad and "how good or bad that is" is anything to do with the issue that's why i was a bit confused
Reply 13
Anonymous
yeah I got that but I'm not quite sure how whether or not i live with my dad and "how good or bad that is" is anything to do with the issue that's why i was a bit confused


Well if he has zero influence over things, then fair enough.
Anonymous
I mean at 17, she would rarely let me go out with my friends and insist on me being home early if I was allowed out. If I was lucky, I was allowed to stay out to 10pm.
Anonymous
She makes me be home by 11.30, when she promised that things would change.
Am I the only one noticing that there is a difference between 10 and 11.30?

She didn't promise total freedom, she promised some changes, which seem to be occurring. As you well know you don't wake up on your 18th birthday feeling more mature or adult. In fact I've made it to 21 and no change yet! What you are and aren't allowed to do won't just be governed by the fact that you are now 18. It is to do with you being responsible and showing her you can be trusted.

If you feel that you have already shown this then speak to your mom in a reasonable way to try and persuade her that you'd like the rules relaxed more. It may take several tries, but be quietly persistant. Saying 'but I'm 18 now' isn't a valid argument. Use examples of sensible behaviour. If you have always been home on time then remind her of that. Persuade her to give it a try.

The way I look at it is unless you are earning and paying your living expenses, or living outside the family home, then your mom is still allowed to have a say in your life if she choses to. It is her house and if she is still paying for your food and still doing your washing then it will be hard for her to view you as an independant adult.
Lofty
I had a similar kind of thing, my mum would often have a moan when i arrived in at 1am etc. whichw as fair enough i guess.

In my case i just persevered and kept doing it, and now she's fine with it, although it was probably helped that with my job i often don't arrivein till about 2-3am though.

Ditto, she eventually got tired of making an issue of it.
Also i just assured her i wasn't up to anything dodgy... wasn't hanging out with boys etc (all lies:p: )
I think they just want to be reassured you'll be safe, also dont over do it, my mum only starts moaning about my 'night life' when it becomes a 4/5 times a week thing, so if your mum does eventually become swayed to letting you stay out, dont abuse it :smile:
I guess what I said doesn't even go into consideration...pity me. lol
My parents are exactly the same. There's no chance in hell I can go clubbing when I'm at home and even going to the pub with mates seems like a big thing. If I goto a mates party or something my mum or dad will usually be awake till 1/2am/whenever it ends to come and pick me up. Ok this has its big advantages and they're just looking out but sometimes I want a bit of freedom as well.

So I went to uni 140 miles away. Problem solved for most of the year :wink: I do however find that I've got more freedom now than 12 months ago because I've lived away from home for a year at uni and survived. Basically, try and show that you're mature enough to stay out till late or be more independent. Just waking up 18 instead of 17 isn't enough. It hasn't had a profound effect on me i.e. I can't go out clubbing but my parents are less restrictive.
you could try the tack: im 18! im old enough to vote! im old enough to drive a car! fly a plane! buy a house! go out and get a job! but to decide when i come home? WHOAH HOLD ON A SECOND! THATS JUST GOING TOOOOO FAR!

it sorta brings home the whole irrationality of it.

alternatively show initiative and planning before you go out - say mum im going out to X's house to meet at 6, we're going to stay there a couple of hours and then go into town for a while to chill out and go to a party. im going to catch the 12:25 bus to the station at the high street and walk back to be home by 1.

there's not much arguing with that - esp if she's coming from the "worried about you" angle...
Reply 19
Anonymous
But there was hope....For the past year or so I've been looking forward to turning 18 because my mum promised that she would relinquish some of the ties she has on me...i.e give me more freedom. I mean at 17, she would rarely let me go out with my friends and insist on me being home early if I was allowed out. If I was lucky, I was allowed to stay out to 10pm. But she would always say...this is just until you're 18. I knew it was all a bunch of lies, but I suppose I wanted it to be true. So I'm 18 now, and things are pretty much the same. Recently, I've been feeling very miserable, don't feel confident within myself for a number of different reasons, and for me the only way to forget about these things is to have fun with my friends. I went on holiday with my friends a couple of weeks ago, and really enjoyed myself. It was like a breath of fresh air to be without the constraints enforced by my mum...I felt free!. I would go clubbing with my friends and arrive home at 7am in the morning! But now i'm back, mum is at it again. She makes me be home by 11.30, when she promised that things would change. Twice I've had to leave my friends early to go home, and it's just no fun. I want things to change, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I don't want to anger my mum (she has a short temper), but I'm 18 now, an adult, and I deserve freedom!

i have the same problem. my parents are really strict with me. there have been many arguments about it but i don't think things are gonna change - wish they did though.