Dumped after 3 1/2 years??? (girl/girl)

Got dumped on Valentine's Day by my girlfriend after 3 1/2 years (girl/girl). Still coming to terms with it all...

She says that she's been planning on doing it for months, and that it's best for both of us. She says I've been really cold recently and need to realise what I've done wrong in our relationship, and that if we spend time apart we'll realise what we miss and love about each other again and then we can start over. She wants us to stay friends and still spend time together etc, and then eventually get back together. She says she genuinely wants to spend her life with me, but right now she can't be with me.

She's severely depressed, and I have to admit it's been really damn difficult keeping a happy relationship with her, because the depression drags us both down at times. I've tried really hard to be there for her, but I guess her depression has got to me and I'm not exactly the happiest person to be around at the moment.

Because of that I understand why she's broken up with me, and would be okay with this decision

BUT

there's this new girl on the scene, whom she met over Christmas and got very close to, very quickly. They flirted all the time at school and I suspected something was going on, but gf always denied it. On Valentine's Day they both admitted they had feelings for each other, but new girl said she didn't want anything serious. Either way, my (ex)gf promised the new girl she'd break up with me that night so she wouldn't technically be cheating on me :rolleyes:

My ex says that this new girl coming was the tip of the iceberg, and gave her the confidence to break up with me- something she's planning for a few months. I want to believe this, but I feel like she really wants to be with this girl and is BSing me a bit.

So basically my ex is wanting me to work on myself while staying her friend and watching her have a fling with this new girl...it's going to be really upsetting to watch her with someone else and I'm going to be so intensely jealous, and as we all go to the same school I'll see them every day :frown:

I really do love my ex, we've been through so much together and I really feel like we could spend the rest of our lives together... I just don't know what to do right now :s-smilie:

Reply 1

sliceofcake

Call me negative but what I read from that, she doesn't quite think you're good enough for her and you are the one that has to change while she plays around with someone else. When she's bored and you've devoted your time to improving yourself to her standards then she might come back to you.

I want to advise you to keep away from her and her new girlfriend as much as possible because while you might tell me that what I just gathered from your story isn't true, I really can't see how this situation is good for you at all. You've been cold LATELY yet she's been planning your break up for months. Also did she ever confront you about your change in mood/behaviour? Had there been any attempts from her to fix your relationship while you were still together? I ask from her because it seems that you didn't recognise that there was anything to fix. She seems to have left you to fix these problems on your own while she's with her new girlfriend. Please try and remove the idea that you'll be spending the rest of your life with this girl. You're only in school so I'm assuming that this is the longest relationship you've had with anyone, it's completely natural that it would feel like you'll always be together but I couldn't suggest that you want to be with someone who's left you with conditions.
It'll take you an awfully long time to get over her, and for most of that time it'll feel like you never will get over her. Especially because there's nothing you can actively do to get over her faster. I suggest you do your best to carry on with your own life and enjoy things you like without her. Reduce contact as much as you can because you'll only cling on to hope that she'll come back to you. Chances are, with contact, she'd contemplate the idea, maybe seriously but maybe just to keep you interested. Don't play that game, it'll just hurt you more.

Reply 2

joker12345

Yeah, stay away. If it was just the first part of the story then I'd have said try to fix it, but if you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't go messing around with someone else.

Reply 3

FuzzySheep

Seems quite manipulative to me - why should you be expected to hang around for her until she gets bored with this new girl? You don't deserve to be in limbo. Let them both go.

Reply 4

jay2013

**** her. She doesn't deserve you.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by sliceofcake

Also did she ever confront you about your change in mood/behaviour? Had there been any attempts from her to fix your relationship while you were still together? I ask from her because it seems that you didn't recognise that there was anything to fix.

She did confront me about it, so I've known that she's not been happy and have tried to fix my behaviour. I guess the things she asked me to do (like 'be happier so we can be happier') are really difficult to just click your fingers and do?

Original post by sliceofcake

It'll take you an awfully long time to get over her, and for most of that time it'll feel like you never will get over her. Especially because there's nothing you can actively do to get over her faster. I suggest you do your best to carry on with your own life and enjoy things you like without her. Reduce contact as much as you can because you'll only cling on to hope that she'll come back to you. Chances are, with contact, she'd contemplate the idea, maybe seriously but maybe just to keep you interested. Don't play that game, it'll just hurt you more.

Thanks for all that, it's given me a lot to think about :frown:

Reply 6

Orthonym

If she has severe depression, it's difficult for you to just be happy for her, a partner will have a big effect on you. She does seem like she is exercising her power due to insecurities. Her depression is her problem and so in a relationship that makes the happiness of both of you, a joint concern for both of you. She can't expect you to be a source of eternal happiness for her to feed on, and break up with you if you are not providing her with enough positive vibes. Depression makes difficulties for a relationship, and she can't expect you to be unwavering in your support, you are human too.

She seems like she has gone to this new girl because it provides her with the happiness and excitement of the start of a relationship, she feels she needs that boost.

She might still like you, as well as this other girl, but it's not fair for her to be keeping you in limbo. She's saying she wants to be with you, but are you ever going to be "enough" for her? It's not that you're not enough, it's just that she doesn't seem mature and stable enough to hold down a relationship that doesn't involve that constant 'new relationship' excitement.

Reply 7

stargirl63

She sounds awful the way she has used you like that. She still wants her bit of fun, and yet doesn't want the emotional pressure of cheating on you, so breaks up with you.. You really do deserve better. I understand that you love her, but you can move on from this. Also the fact that she decided valentines day would be the best day is the worst thing ever. I'm sorry OP :hugs:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

She got in contact with me yesterday to say that after thinking about it lots, she doesn't think she wants to get back with me in the future, and doesn't want to keep me hanging on. I think for her, I represented a time in her life (when the depression was really bad) that she wants to let go of and move on from, and unfortunately that means moving on from me. She was my first ever real relationship, and it's going to be really hard to get over her, but it can't really get any worse from here, so here's to the future.