This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- Iām scared Iām going to die young.
- how to comfort friend
- Friendship loss
- Can you help you help me
- who else is sad for liam payne?
- Do you want to live forever?
- Am I overthinking?
- Blood Brothers- "Quote a day" Join the analysis!
- Sunshine š š š
- Struggling with loss
- Help with English Question!!!
- year 11 gyg š
- my brother in law is weird
- Importance of Eric Birling in An Inspector Calls
- How do you feel about prelims?
- Desperately need career + life advice
- Bereavement Help and Support
- How is death presented in romeo and juliet
- How can I improve my speech about the Death Penalty?
- LNAT Essay
Coping with death
OK,so a week ago my mum died of cancer and I'm not sure if I'm dealing with it in the best way.The day after I went into work and have had only one day off since(which was spent with a friend)...I haven't had any time to myself to begin grieving or anything really...
I don't know...I don't feel like she's really gone.I keep expecting to come home and see her...I keep thinking 'Ooh I'll tell my mum about this when I get home...',forgetting she isn't there.I keep thinking I will see her again and that she's just gone away for a bit.
I have cried a little bit....a lot of Saturday was spent crying,as was a lot of last Sunday(well,I asked to go home from work because I was too upset)..but I just don't feel like I've cried enough.I can easily talk about it now without even feeling like I want to cry....although when it came to picking funeral flowers and thinking about hymns for the funeral I felt a bit choked up.
I don't know...I just feel like people are going to think I don't care about my mum because I'm just trying to carry on as normal...when,in fact,I couldn't be more devastated.I'm not sure if the way I'm dealing with it is appropriate...
I also...when it comes around to thinking about things for the funeral...just really don't want to think about it.I had to pick hymns and choose flowers and I've got to think of things about my mum that I want to be said at the funeral but I just don't want to do it...I suppose it's because it makes it final and real that she's actually gone?
Anyway,I dunno why I'm writing all this crap...I just wanted to know how other people dealt with the death of a parent and I dunno...if they felt the way they dealt with it was inappropriate?
I'll add that I don't have a dad and my nearest family are 100 miles away...though they are coming over quite a lot and they are arranging all the funeral,sorting out my mum's bank.insurances etc...thank god I don't have to do that or it would never get done.
I don't know...I don't feel like she's really gone.I keep expecting to come home and see her...I keep thinking 'Ooh I'll tell my mum about this when I get home...',forgetting she isn't there.I keep thinking I will see her again and that she's just gone away for a bit.
I have cried a little bit....a lot of Saturday was spent crying,as was a lot of last Sunday(well,I asked to go home from work because I was too upset)..but I just don't feel like I've cried enough.I can easily talk about it now without even feeling like I want to cry....although when it came to picking funeral flowers and thinking about hymns for the funeral I felt a bit choked up.
I don't know...I just feel like people are going to think I don't care about my mum because I'm just trying to carry on as normal...when,in fact,I couldn't be more devastated.I'm not sure if the way I'm dealing with it is appropriate...
I also...when it comes around to thinking about things for the funeral...just really don't want to think about it.I had to pick hymns and choose flowers and I've got to think of things about my mum that I want to be said at the funeral but I just don't want to do it...I suppose it's because it makes it final and real that she's actually gone?
Anyway,I dunno why I'm writing all this crap...I just wanted to know how other people dealt with the death of a parent and I dunno...if they felt the way they dealt with it was inappropriate?
I'll add that I don't have a dad and my nearest family are 100 miles away...though they are coming over quite a lot and they are arranging all the funeral,sorting out my mum's bank.insurances etc...thank god I don't have to do that or it would never get done.
The main thing to remember is however you are dealing with it is the right way, for you. If you feel that by getting up and going into work, and carrying on as normal is currently the best way to cope, then thats how you should act. However if you feel that at some point you just want to break down, not leave the house for a week, and grieve in another way, then that too is fine.
I think for the time being just let yourself deal with the loss of your mum how best feels right...but should it carry on for too long, for example in 2 months time you feel youre struggling to carry on with every day life, be prepared to accept you may need help, as in proffessional help, just to get over what has to be one of the hardest things for someone to deal with.
Lots of love and hugs being sent your way!
I think for the time being just let yourself deal with the loss of your mum how best feels right...but should it carry on for too long, for example in 2 months time you feel youre struggling to carry on with every day life, be prepared to accept you may need help, as in proffessional help, just to get over what has to be one of the hardest things for someone to deal with.
Lots of love and hugs being sent your way!
You poor poor darling.
I don't really know what I can say to help as I haven't been through anything remotely like that, but it doesn't sound to me like you don't care. It sounds like you care so much that it's all unreal and you're still in a state of shock. Part of you is probably trying to carry on as normal in the hope that that will make everything ok again. It takes time to grieve, so don't worry if you're not crying enough. It sounds like you haven't come to terms with it enough to cry yet.
If you need a stranger to talk to then I'm here. I'm sure if you google then you might find some websites like this which might help you understand what you're feeling.
It's a cliche, but I really am thinking of you.
*hugs*
I don't really know what I can say to help as I haven't been through anything remotely like that, but it doesn't sound to me like you don't care. It sounds like you care so much that it's all unreal and you're still in a state of shock. Part of you is probably trying to carry on as normal in the hope that that will make everything ok again. It takes time to grieve, so don't worry if you're not crying enough. It sounds like you haven't come to terms with it enough to cry yet.
If you need a stranger to talk to then I'm here. I'm sure if you google then you might find some websites like this which might help you understand what you're feeling.
It's a cliche, but I really am thinking of you.
*hugs*
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think your way of dealing with it is really good to be honest, because although you are trying to get on with your life as normal, you are not denying your sorrow and you accept that grieving is important.
I have never had to deal with the death of someone close so I'll not say much more, but I will say that perhaps the funeral will be closure and that's when you will really begin the grieving process.
Also, perhaps you were more prepared for her death because you knew she had cancer, so your mind knew it should expect to deal with it.
I think you have a really good approach to everything that is happening, and I wish you all the best.
Z x
I think your way of dealing with it is really good to be honest, because although you are trying to get on with your life as normal, you are not denying your sorrow and you accept that grieving is important.
I have never had to deal with the death of someone close so I'll not say much more, but I will say that perhaps the funeral will be closure and that's when you will really begin the grieving process.
Also, perhaps you were more prepared for her death because you knew she had cancer, so your mind knew it should expect to deal with it.
I think you have a really good approach to everything that is happening, and I wish you all the best.
Z x
My thoughts are with you at the moment.
Each person will deal with Grief differently. there is no 'set' way to grieve. I've lost several people i was close to and I refused to grieve(which aint sensible). a funeral can give closure to you, but remember just because they're dead, doesnt mean that you will never speak to them or think about them again.
How you grieve is a personal thing, and no one can call you if you dont cry much or if you do. Don't think about other peoples judgments, just do what feels right for you.
Each person will deal with Grief differently. there is no 'set' way to grieve. I've lost several people i was close to and I refused to grieve(which aint sensible). a funeral can give closure to you, but remember just because they're dead, doesnt mean that you will never speak to them or think about them again.
How you grieve is a personal thing, and no one can call you if you dont cry much or if you do. Don't think about other peoples judgments, just do what feels right for you.
I dont think you should worry about what people think of how you are handling this, at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you, people have no right to judge you.
When I was 19 my dad died suddenly and to be honest nealy three years later I still struggle with it. The day my dad died I spent the day on the phone calling people (bank etc) to notify them, my brother thought it was inappropriate but at the time I had to do it, I needed something to do and I didnt want my mum to get calls from people or letters with his name on. At the end of the day its a horrible horrible time and you feel so ****ty that you just have to do whatever it is that gets you through and if going to work works for you then why not.
I can remember the funeral planning very well and I feel for you, its a horrible thought, it makes it real. I didnt cry at my dads funeral, yet my sister did but that doesnt mean she missed him more than me, it just shows how different people handle things differently.
I hope things work out for you
When I was 19 my dad died suddenly and to be honest nealy three years later I still struggle with it. The day my dad died I spent the day on the phone calling people (bank etc) to notify them, my brother thought it was inappropriate but at the time I had to do it, I needed something to do and I didnt want my mum to get calls from people or letters with his name on. At the end of the day its a horrible horrible time and you feel so ****ty that you just have to do whatever it is that gets you through and if going to work works for you then why not.
I can remember the funeral planning very well and I feel for you, its a horrible thought, it makes it real. I didnt cry at my dads funeral, yet my sister did but that doesnt mean she missed him more than me, it just shows how different people handle things differently.
I hope things work out for you
I can wholeheartedly say that I know exactly how you're feeling now and how difficult it is, since I was asking the same things as you when my mum died nearly 3 years ago. My head was all over the place. On the evening on her death I was actually relieved simply because it was finally over...watching someone in such pain and having no control of the situation is heartbreaking. The morning after I woke up at about 5am and felt so broken and lost I could do nothing but shake and cry. A few hours later I actually put on my Grease video and watched it, it sounds ridiculous but I just really needed something light-hearted; everything was so intense and chaotic.
It's difficult to remember at which point I actually regained some control of my emotions. Adapting was absolutely dreadful, I felt so incredibly alone and in pain. About 3 months after she died I remember writing in my diary that I felt so much better, then a week later I was depressed and just wanted to die so I could be with her again. I also felt as though I was going crazy, because often I couldn't sleep and then would imagine weird things in my head and do stupid things. I also had heart-wrenching episodes where I would suddenly think, "Oh my god, she died, it actually happened" and for some reason just thinking that was the biggest shock ever, because when you have good days it's easy to forget that something so traumatic ever happened. People who haven't experienced such intense loss always say it's best to cry and let it all out, which is true to a certain extent, but make sure it's on your terms. I found that after a few months people expected me to be over it and were less sympathetic, but it was only after several months that things started to get on top of me and I couldn't really cope.
Nowdays I'm finding things a lot easier, it is true that time heals the pain somewhat. However, there is still a gaping hole in my heart and quite a bit of bitterness. Please remember that you're not alone, try reading and maybe participating here: http://community.livejournal.com/momlessdaughter/ I found this community after months of feeling isolated and completely alone and it was such a comfort to actually find people who understood. Also, if you feel ready, try finding a copy of "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I only discovered it a couple of months ago and after reading only a bit of it everything just started to make sense for the first time in ages.
I think for you at the moment everything is still such a shock. People tend to think that if you know your mum is going to die then it's easier because you can 'prepare' for it, but nothing can be further from the truth. Loss is loss. There is no right way of dealing with it, because your relationship with your mother was a personal one and feelings cannot always be determined by text books or how society believes we should react to things. Things will be difficult for a while because it's such a traumatic thing to have to go through. You're likely to feel many things and there is no clear ending point for grief. The Motherless Daughters book suggests that grieving for a mother never really ends. You can think you've dealt with it entirely and then years later a sight or a smell will remind you of her and the pain will return. Don't give yourself a timeframe in which to feel "better" again or feel as though you should put on a front just to please other people.
Anyway, I'm sorry I've babbled on a bit, I hope I've helped you a little bit by sharing my experiences rather than make you feel even more low. If you want to talk about anything then I'm always around if you want to pm. xx
It's difficult to remember at which point I actually regained some control of my emotions. Adapting was absolutely dreadful, I felt so incredibly alone and in pain. About 3 months after she died I remember writing in my diary that I felt so much better, then a week later I was depressed and just wanted to die so I could be with her again. I also felt as though I was going crazy, because often I couldn't sleep and then would imagine weird things in my head and do stupid things. I also had heart-wrenching episodes where I would suddenly think, "Oh my god, she died, it actually happened" and for some reason just thinking that was the biggest shock ever, because when you have good days it's easy to forget that something so traumatic ever happened. People who haven't experienced such intense loss always say it's best to cry and let it all out, which is true to a certain extent, but make sure it's on your terms. I found that after a few months people expected me to be over it and were less sympathetic, but it was only after several months that things started to get on top of me and I couldn't really cope.
Nowdays I'm finding things a lot easier, it is true that time heals the pain somewhat. However, there is still a gaping hole in my heart and quite a bit of bitterness. Please remember that you're not alone, try reading and maybe participating here: http://community.livejournal.com/momlessdaughter/ I found this community after months of feeling isolated and completely alone and it was such a comfort to actually find people who understood. Also, if you feel ready, try finding a copy of "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I only discovered it a couple of months ago and after reading only a bit of it everything just started to make sense for the first time in ages.
I think for you at the moment everything is still such a shock. People tend to think that if you know your mum is going to die then it's easier because you can 'prepare' for it, but nothing can be further from the truth. Loss is loss. There is no right way of dealing with it, because your relationship with your mother was a personal one and feelings cannot always be determined by text books or how society believes we should react to things. Things will be difficult for a while because it's such a traumatic thing to have to go through. You're likely to feel many things and there is no clear ending point for grief. The Motherless Daughters book suggests that grieving for a mother never really ends. You can think you've dealt with it entirely and then years later a sight or a smell will remind you of her and the pain will return. Don't give yourself a timeframe in which to feel "better" again or feel as though you should put on a front just to please other people.
Anyway, I'm sorry I've babbled on a bit, I hope I've helped you a little bit by sharing my experiences rather than make you feel even more low. If you want to talk about anything then I'm always around if you want to pm. xx
Related discussions
- Iām scared Iām going to die young.
- how to comfort friend
- Friendship loss
- Can you help you help me
- who else is sad for liam payne?
- Do you want to live forever?
- Am I overthinking?
- Blood Brothers- "Quote a day" Join the analysis!
- Sunshine š š š
- Struggling with loss
- Help with English Question!!!
- year 11 gyg š
- my brother in law is weird
- Importance of Eric Birling in An Inspector Calls
- How do you feel about prelims?
- Desperately need career + life advice
- Bereavement Help and Support
- How is death presented in romeo and juliet
- How can I improve my speech about the Death Penalty?
- LNAT Essay
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 month ago
Engineering vs. Medicine: Stuck Between Dreams and ExpectationsLast reply 1 month ago
heyyy , im new heree and im willing to have some friends xxxLast reply 1 month ago
Im 16 and never had a gf and it doesnt feel ok.
