The Student Room Group

mum takes it out on me!

The last yr has been really stressful in my house cos my dad has cancer, and although my mum was like it before anyway but she's worse now, when she gets stressed she takes it out on me! Also she's all like oh your little brother is going through such a bad time, you have to be more understanding to him (when he's always been a rude little brat who does what he wants, even before all this!!) then she says maybe I need someone to talk to as well about it but then she's not very understanding towards me when Im stressed, she just starts picking fights with me :confused:

We just had what she calls a "fight" when I was trying to explain that I wanna get a website to put my photography work on and she didnt understand the concept of webhosting so she said if I start another "fight" when we have a marrie curie nurse on the way then she'll knock my teeth out :confused: Why the hell is she being like this with me? I dunno what to do anymore, I help her look after dad, I help with housework and this is what I get? I know she's stressed, we all are but why take it out on me by verbally abusing me like this? :frown: Im going to uni soon so I can get away but I feel like I need to sort out the mother-daughter bond thing before I go, we've never been that close but there are times when we are although I resent my stepsister who left us for a year after dad's diagnosis (he's actually my stepdad but I think of him as a dad) and now mum's being all buddy palls with her even though she's not helping and putting me through hell when Im her daugher not my stepsister! Im just so sick of it! :mad: I also resent how close my brother is to my mum when I never had that close a bond with her at his age, yeah sounds like jealousy but she left me with my gran for 5 years (long story) and I still cant let it go even though she's explained why she had to do it.. Maybe I need a shrink.. I dunno :confused: what does everyone think? :redface:
Reply 1
Don't take it personally, I'm sure she doesn't mean it. It doesn't take much for my mum to take everything out on me, even when it's nothing to do with me!
I think she's just letting out her frustration, and unfortunately you are the one who she takes it out on - maybe she feels that you cope with it, or maybe she just doesn't realise it's happening.
My sister had a big accident many years ago, and my mum always takes it out on me when my sister either does something that mum doesn't approve of, or is in a bad state (due to the accident).

If I ever find a way of tackling this problem, I'll let you know, but so far I haven't found a way that works with my own mother yet! I'm working on it though...
Reply 2
:hugs:

This will probably sound really obvious but keep trying to talk to her about it, and say how you want to be close to her and you don't like things being like this. Obviously, try and stay cool and calm and rational, as shouting or getting overly emotional won't help much. Other than that, just hang in there and stick it out. People go through funny periods for lots of reasons, and there's a good chance you have done nothing wrong.

Parents are funny people ey? Keep smiling, think of everything that is right in your life. Uni soon. :smile:
Reply 3
Some people are more conscious of their own behaviour and can accept their own issues, some people, like your mother perhaps, don't realise or accept that they are stressed and they are channelling that energy into the wrong place, ie you.

You are aware and accepting of the stresses that each of you has, especially your mum's. Therefore you are the stronger one, so know that your mum's behaviour is explained (although not justified) by the stress she is going through. She is not dealing with it in the right way, but forgive her because she is not aware of that fact right now.

As for your own stress, I think it is unwise to seek help from another stressed person as both of you will try to override each other's emotions with your own, because they both will be very intense. It will end up helping neither of you. When you are stressed, do not go to your mum, go to someone who is outwith your situation, but still knows what is going on.

I also think that there are other issues you have which you must deal with, and they are surfacing now because you are in a time of high emotional strain.

There are organisations which can help cancer patients and their families emotionally, your dad's doctor or hospital will be able to give you more information on this. You can speak to them individually or as a family. If there is tension between other members of the family and not just you+mum then go for the family session.

I wish you all the best, and hope you can resolve everything.
Z x
Reply 4
meh so I went to the doctors and she suggested I go on anti depressants for my moods (I have another appointment on wednesday to tell her what I think of that!) and she was gonna arrange for me to see a counselor, well I just found out that tomorrow I am not seeing a councelor as I was told, I'm seeing a social worker.. I don't want to talk to a social worker about things though, why can't they just get it right :mad:

sorry needed to vent :redface:
Reply 5
Hey, well from what you've said, it doesn't sound like you need anti-depressants, and you're the one being reasonable! A counsellor would be a great idea - you've got a lot to deal with that you really don't deserve and you're right, venting is completely necessary! Is there any other way you can ge t to see a counsellor?

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, its not fair, and your mum isn't helping things, even though she's hurting too. I think talking to a counsellor really is the best next step, not because you're going crazy, ha, but because you need someone who will listen to you and be there for you right now.

:smile:
Reply 6
Melana
Hey, well from what you've said, it doesn't sound like you need anti-depressants, and you're the one being reasonable! A counsellor would be a great idea - you've got a lot to deal with that you really don't deserve and you're right, venting is completely necessary! Is there any other way you can ge t to see a counsellor?

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, its not fair, and your mum isn't helping things, even though she's hurting too. I think talking to a counsellor really is the best next step, not because you're going crazy, ha, but because you need someone who will listen to you and be there for you right now.

:smile:


well there is waiting a few weeks till I move to uni and seeing a counsellor there, doubt I'll get much further here tbh, mum's been on at the social worker for months that my brother and I needed a counsellor but instead of getting a counsellor, I get to speak to the social worker, when I don't feel comfortable talking to her hmm I thought the doctor I saw about it would at least get a counsellor at the surgery I go to but I was wrong. I do feel that I need a counsellor but I just wish the "professionals" took more time to listen to what I have to say rather than thinking "oh this is what's going on, we'll just give her that because we don't have time to arrange anything better" :redface:
The social worker, when she was here last she suggested I go to a young carers group but they only cater for up to 18 and I'm 20 besides I'd only get to go for about 3 sessions because of when I'm leaving so it's pointless in that but talking to other people my age who are going through the same thing would help, I think.
Reply 7
when people go through a hard time, they need to release their feelings of depression, anger, fustration, etc. and they usually take it out on those the feel closest to. dont take it personally at all, she is going through a hard time, as are you, but you need to all stay strong and stick together and help each other through it. i know it will be hard, but when she is harsh to you, try to bite your tongue, grin and bear it, for the sake of your mum, and your dad. trying to talk to her about it is a very good idea, but when doing so, try to stay calm and not get defensive. try to explain to her that you know how she is feeling and that its hard for all and you want her to help you through it, and that you want to help her, rather than arguing all the time. hope it all works out, and im sorry to hear about your dad. my nan died last week of cancer and its a very hard time, but as i said before, you need your family at such a hard time :smile: