Can't take it any longer

The darker side of homosexuality...

Ahhh... I am going insane! I need help.

I wonder if anyone could give me some advise.

I have been constantly arguing with my bf or ex bf I don't know our status anymore. Everytime we go clubbing, we're arguing at the end of the night. Drink does fuel it but there is a real problem emerging. We argue over because of one us has left each other or ignoring one another pathetic things like that. However, there have been some serious arguments.
He has done some shocking things to me, I went to his house, he left me outside all night in the rain, gave me paarcetamol to kill my self with (on the same night), allowed my self to hit my self and really give my self black eyes because he ignores me and doesn't care about ,e then he laughs in my face while I do it then goes off with my friend and goes with him!! He has let his mates hit me and rip my shirt, call my names, start fights with me. He has hit me as well on two occations. Lots of other things. he claims he loves and cares for me, yet I see no evidence.

I'm the type that when we have an argument, it plays on my mind until it is sorted out, so I never get any sleep and I get depressed.

All this has resulted in me having depression, i am now on tablets, the really strong ones as i am really down and fed up. I do love him though.

The other night he walked in w.spoons and I started to cry. He gave me 6 voicemails saturday night crying saying he loves me and stuff.

If i could think of stuff I've done to him... once I walked out of Liquid bas he was ignoring me, then i rang him told him i was upset, he didn't come to me because he is sefish. So I got so fed up with him hurting me I ran back in Liquid and grabbed him and sqeezed his arm and bit his ear a little bit.
Then, last night, we decided to sort things out yet again. BTW, he allows me to get lonely and depressed days after an incident has happened, I beg him to sort it out but he wont, he lets me suffer. Anyway Sunday he finally agreed to sort it. he started smiling at me when i was upset, i find it very disrespectful and he isn't taking me seriously. So i wanted to punish him for what he has done. i grabbed his CD Player in his car and threw it and it smashed, then I got his attension, he listened. Now he has gone all funny with me and saying he doesn't want anything to do with me because I smashed his CD player - it seems that way anyway. It did cost 200 quid but what cost is that for me and what he has done to me? he has made me so unhappy but I love him and i want him back.


Arghh help!

He is the ONLY gay person i have ever had anything in common with.I don't go for 99% of gay people, I don't have them as friends either. I find him special. Been with him since mid feb, spent a hell of a lot of time with him and given up so much for him. It seems too much to throw away.

I've asked him for a list of things, eh told me I havent done anything wrong but he doesnt like me talking to him like a child (he acts like one) and shouting at him

seems you are being a bit blinded by love.
it is obvious that you don't seem to get on too well, despite you saying that you do at some times. if this bloke really loved you, he would respect you and not tell you to kill yourself and such.. he sounds a bit weird.
this relationship is obviously making you both miserable, angry and annoyed. what is the point of carrying on? i know you love him, but this isn't a relationship. relationships are meant to be happy things, whereby you enjoy the time you spend together - you certainly don't spend every second at each others throats.
it's hard for people to change too. ok, he shouldn't treat anyone like this, but what's saying he would change? he may say he will, but he may never. i can also understand that at this point you can't imagine yourself being with anyone else. i think you have become a little too dependent on this guy, and you need to start spreading your wings and not leaning on him quite so much. this is why you can't imagine yourself without him; you probably fear being alone. although it may seem bad now, if you do have to leave him, you will find someone else. things usually look dark and dysmal after a breakup, but they always pick up; they say time is the best healer.

you have a number of options here. you stay with the guy and carry on getting hurt; you have a break of a few weeks maybe, to let things settle down and be away from each other; you leave him, and find someone who appreciates you.