Long term boyfriend... but feelings for someone else?! Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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First things first, I would never cheat which is partly why I feel so guilty for even having feelings for anyone else. Long term boyfriend, 4.5 yrs together, never been with anyone else, and he is a lovely lovely person. However, recently developed a strong attraction to someone else but not in the physical sense (I just mean its not because he is better looking if anything the opposite) who makes me laugh, and is a lot more similar to me in terms of sense of humour/some shared interests and views.

To make matters more confusing he is also with someone but from his behaviour I think he likes me too. I am really aware this may be a case of the grass is always greener and I don't mean to ditch my current boyfriend to try and make a go of it with this new guy.. but I worry we shouldn't be together if I am constantly thinking about someone else, as its really unfair. I am not really sure what I am asking, just any advice you can give would be appreciated! Or have you ever been in a similar situation and what did you do? I can't talk to anyone as all my friends know the people involved too well. Thanks for reading!
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lee1985
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It makes me cringe to read things like this as I would be devastated by the thought of my own partner of 4/5 years (hypothetically) having these sorts of feelings for someone. It would destroy me, even if the inclination to cheat is clearly not there.

I think you shouldn't be with your boyfriend if you can develop these feelings for others so freely. There must be something wrong or something that's not quite right in your own relationship and to have gone to the extent of liking someone else and toying with the idea of them liking you too, it's gone too far in my opinion.

I think given the chance you would actually cheat in the heat of the moment if the guy you like made a move. Thus, the relationship is as good as dead.

That's my view.
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Lord Frieza
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(Original post by lee1985)
It makes me cringe to read things like this as I would be devastated by the thought of my own partner of 4/5 years (hypothetically) having these sorts of feelings for someone. It would destroy me, even if the inclination to cheat is clearly not there.

I think you shouldn't be with your boyfriend if you can develop these feelings for others so freely. There must be something wrong or something that's not quite right in your own relationship and to have gone to the extent of liking someone else and toying with the idea of them liking you too, it's gone too far in my opinion.

I think given the chance you would actually cheat in the heat of the moment if the guy you like made a move. Thus, the relationship is as good as dead.

That's my view.
And a very good view at that
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lee1985
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(Original post by Lord Frieza)
And a very good view at that
Thank you dear Lord

Life experiences are invaluable to us all.
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Plantagenet Crown
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It's pointless to put your long term relationship into jeopardy over something which could just be a temporary infatuation.
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Claudiatte
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Hey I have to disagree with the first couple of replies and I would say don't worry about it! When you've been with someone for so long 'feelings' or 'crushes' on other people are inevitable, and I Beleive possibly healthy for the relationship (or so I've found in my experience).

To be honest it depends how strong these feelings are, but in most cases they just fade over time and it makes you realise how important your partner is to you. Just don't act on these silly little feelings of infatuation and think about how what you have with your partner is much more deep and meaningful.

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megara
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(Original post by Anonymous)
First things first, I would never cheat which is partly why I feel so guilty for even having feelings for anyone else. Long term boyfriend, 4.5 yrs together, never been with anyone else, and he is a lovely lovely person. However, recently developed a strong attraction to someone else but not in the physical sense (I just mean its not because he is better looking if anything the opposite) who makes me laugh, and is a lot more similar to me in terms of sense of humour/some shared interests and views.

To make matters more confusing he is also with someone but from his behaviour I think he likes me too. I am really aware this may be a case of the grass is always greener and I don't mean to ditch my current boyfriend to try and make a go of it with this new guy.. but I worry we shouldn't be together if I am constantly thinking about someone else, as its really unfair. I am not really sure what I am asking, just any advice you can give would be appreciated! Or have you ever been in a similar situation and what did you do? I can't talk to anyone as all my friends know the people involved too well. Thanks for reading!
I was in the exact sane situation with my ex of 3.5 years. Took me way too long to realise I wasn't happy and I broke it off with him. Sure he was lovely - just not for me.

Now I'm fwb with the guy I had feelings/chemistry with and I swear I've never been happier in my life - and myself. Mail me if you need someone ^_^

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ilex_noemi
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You don't love your boyfriend if you're thinking of someone else. Do him a favour and tell your boyfriend so he can decide if he should leave you or not.
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Anonymous #2
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I know I'll get cal a **** for this, but anyway:
I've been with my boyfriend for years, longer than you, and as for you he was the first for me. We have always had a beautiful relationship, never cheated (or even thought of); we've been through some rough periods but nothing too worrying. I've never seriously thought of breaking up with him in all this time.

One day, years ago, I was attending an event that was gonna last for a few days. I didn't know anyone but quickly made friends during the first day, noone of them struck me in anyway (I remember commenting jokingly to myself that all the guys were pretty plain) To cut a long story short, by the 3rd day I felt my heart racing madly for one of them. I didn't even know how or when it happened - we got on so well, I felt amazing around him, it's not something I could help. By his behaviour I think he felt the same - maybe not as strongly as me, but you could tell there was an interest (also, these sort of things hardly happen completely onesided).

Have I considered leaving my bf and declaring him my feelings? Yes.
Did I do it? No.

I just sat there and told myself that I was still in love with my bf even if I had feelings for this other guy; I reminded myself that it's easy to be an amazing person for 3 days - a lot more difficult to be an amazing person (like my bf has been) for 3 years and more. I think feelings can't be controlled, but choices can; I decided to be with my bf (and I didn't do anything with the 2nd guy - not even spent any time alone with him) so I don't see why I should be blamed.
He lived a couple of hours away from me, so when the event we were attending was over I didn't take any chance to see him ever again. We texted in a friendly way from time to time for a few months, then he was a closed chapter.
It's been 2.5 years since and I believe I did the right thing staying with my boyfriend.
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Anonymous #3
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I got the "worst" (as in, most major) crush on another guy when with my boyfriend for 4 years. As in your case - it was one of affinity/personality moreso than appearance, which worried me more.

I decided that my relationship as very precious and valuable to me, more so than any infatuation or connection with another person. I focused on all of the reasons I love my boyfriend best, and thought of all the many things I did not know about the other guy, all the things he might not be, etc. I worked at doing things to connect with and appreciate my boyfriend.

My crush passed, completely. It just took some time.

Then again I was not so uncertain as to really consider leaving my boyfriend - so maybe you are in a worse place. Only you can tell.

Knowing someone really, really well and still loving them intensely is something really special. It takes years to build up such a relationship, and seconds to destroy. Give your relationship more time. If you work on investing into your relationship and focusing on the good for several months - and are still feeling unenthusiastic or "tempted" by other options as it were, then it is much more likely that the best decision is to move on.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks guys, esp. the last 2 respondents I think I just needed someone else to tell me that. I just feel so guilty for even thinking like this, despite the fact its not a controllable thing. I am not planning on doing anything about this, breaking up with him or anything as I think a case of "the grass is greener" is responsible. I think the main issue here is that over the last 2 years a lot of the fun and laughter has been sucked out of my relationship thanks to excessively stressful jobs etc, which isn't either of our faults but it is making me a tad miserable. I have tried talking about this but just get a barrage of "I can't help being stressed" back. I know he can't help it but I don't know how to help! Anyway... successfully lead this off on a tangent. I'm sure it will pass.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by megara)
I was in the exact sane situation with my ex of 3.5 years. Took me way too long to realise I wasn't happy and I broke it off with him. Sure he was lovely - just not for me.

Now I'm fwb with the guy I had feelings/chemistry with and I swear I've never been happier in my life - and myself. Mail me if you need someone ^_^

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Thanks for the support! Its just so weird... I have honestly never been attracted to anyone in my life except my current partner so its all very confusing.
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Starrydog
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#13
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks guys, esp. the last 2 respondents I think I just needed someone else to tell me that. I just feel so guilty for even thinking like this, despite the fact its not a controllable thing. I am not planning on doing anything about this, breaking up with him or anything as I think a case of "the grass is greener" is responsible. I think the main issue here is that over the last 2 years a lot of the fun and laughter has been sucked out of my relationship thanks to excessively stressful jobs etc, which isn't either of our faults but it is making me a tad miserable. I have tried talking about this but just get a barrage of "I can't help being stressed" back. I know he can't help it but I don't know how to help! Anyway... successfully lead this off on a tangent. I'm sure it will pass.
I don't think I am as old as you nor is my relationship quite so long but I can relate to the stress I think. Currently A levels are giving us both time stresses and whatnot and making us irritable a lot of the time. I'm not 'miserable' but I did miss the carefree unlimited time before my exams and my job.

Last week we made a special effort to cram in lots of time together (it was half term for us), meals out, went to the zoo and it was good to relax, we also generally have a 'don't discuss work' policy.

Wondering if you've had a night/day out together recently where work is a banned topic? May help you clear your head and the crush?
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SoftPunch
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(Original post by megara)
I was in the exact sane situation with my ex of 3.5 years. Took me way too long to realise I wasn't happy and I broke it off with him. Sure he was lovely - just not for me.

Now I'm fwb with the guy I had feelings/chemistry with and I swear I've never been happier in my life - and myself. Mail me if you need someone ^_^

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Sorry what?!
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SoftPunch
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Just what.

How would you feel if this was the case with your boyfriend? Damn right, you would not have liked it. Just end it now - you don't love him. It's unfair to your boyfriend and you don't seem mature enough for a relationship.
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cid
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Yeah, dump your boyfriend, he's probably bored of you too, just make sure you end it with him before you start something with this other guy.



dump him or do nothing, just don't cheat, he deserves better than that, even though I don't know him, anyone deserves batter than that.
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AverageExcellence
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#17
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How old are you? when you say 4 years and you're like 16 then it doesn't really count
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JayReg
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It's understandable but in the grand scheme of things you should take your relationship with your boyfriend in isolation and see if you're happy. I'm glad you've got through some of the more strong opinions from those who probably haven't ever had an extremely long relationship to read the people who have had the same feelings but stuck with their OH.
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consumed by stuff
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If I find out your my gf I'll have ya.
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desdemonata
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There are a lot of people IIT that don't know how love really works.

Just having a passing crush on someone does not mean you don't love your partner. All these people saying "you don't love him", please get off your horses.

OP, I think this is something every relationship passes through at some point or another. Falling in love is something that lasts maximum about 2 years, I can dig up the studies for the skeptics if they're really interested, but essentially after that "spark" fades a little more to a different kind of attachment (less blind and single-minded), that's when you really have to put the effort in to keep things going. And I think having crushes on other people is not a good or bad thing, it just happens. What you decide to do is what matters. But make sure you make the choices you don't regret, give yourself plenty of time to think things over - it's very likely you get over this other guy and forget about him, though if you are around him a lot it will take a bit longer.

But think about it like this - did you break up after your first argument or serious rough patch? No, you got through it. This doesn't have to mean anything other than you're not asexual for people that aren't your partner. It doesn't mean you aren't meant to be or that you don't love him. People who think this doesn't happen have never been in a serious long-term relationship and have idealistic notions of everlasting blissful love, as portrayed in sappy novels.

The problem with questions like this is that it is so hard to judge objectively or rationally. Personally I would never leave someone who makes me happy for someone that might.
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