Could someone check my french essay please?

Watch this thread
isseypistor
Badges: 0
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#1
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#1
jjj
0
reply
username402722
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#2
Report 8 years ago
#2
Patrice Evra will be free on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings after mid March, if that's not too late.
0
reply
username402722
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#3
Report 8 years ago
#3
Patrice Evra might be free on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings after mid March, if that's not too late.
0
reply
Temporality
Badges: 17
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#4
Report 8 years ago
#4
(Original post by isseypistor)
Hi, i have my french writing gcse next wednesday and i was hoping someone could check my essay for me! Thank you

Je mange une alimentation équilibrée rather j'ai une alimentation de santé et j'essaie (I try) de comprendre tous les principaux groupes d'aliments.

Je mange beaucoup de LA viande, en particulier du (de + le) poulet. J'essaie de manger beaucoup de fruits et de légumes et je mange beaucoup de glucides comme les pâtes et le pain. J'aime les choses douces, j'ai souvent des gâteaux et des gaufres et parfois je dois (Bois not dois) les boissons sucrées comme le coca-cola. Rester en bonne santé est très important parce qu' on [I know what you're trying to say, but it is english to say 'you' in this way, the French instead use 'on' a bit like saying one does this, one does that, rather than you do this, you do that] risque de tomber malade
[not obtenir - obtain, but tomber malade, fall ill]
si on mange d'un façon malsain (d'un façon malsain = in an unhealthy way)!

Si on (not vous again) reste en bonne santé , la longevité augmente. (our longevity increases) on va [aller + infinitive for the future tense] se sentir plus confiant et heureux!

Dans ma région, il ya une salle de sport où on peut se mettre en forme. Dans le gymnase, il y [y = there] existe [much better to say il existe rather than 'il y a' all the time] une piscine, beaucoup de machines d'exercice et on peut faire partie [faire partie de = take part in] des cours de danse. Les séances de tango me plaisent beaucoup!

Here, the French often say ca me plait, ca ne me plait pas, it means that pleases me but it is just a French way of saying you like something. Look up [plaire]. Obviously because séances is plural, the verb plaire becomes plaisent.

Ok, so you should really say the next phrase as:

En été, on s'amuse à jouer aux courts de tennis, qui se situent à côté du parc dans ma région.
Also, an error you made in that phrase was amusant [AMUSEMENT = AMUSEMENT; AMUSANT = FUNNY] . Anyway by changing to 'on s'amuse à' i.e. one has fun by playing in the tennis courts, the sentence becomes more interesting and sounds more French. Look up s'amuser à + infinitive = to have fun doing something/ take pleasure doing something.

Récemment, j'ai fait partie d' [the french way of saying take part is faire partie de not prendre partie de]une course de cinq kilomètres [a fin de = in order to] rester en bonne santé et d'amasser des fonds pour la charité. Pour ME préparer, j'ai couru autour de mon parc chaque matin et j'ai (annoying but the french are very specific) mangé très sainement, en évitant (in avoiding, sounds more natural than excluding, sorry!) toutes les choses douces, car ils me ralentissent. [don't forget to conjugate!]

Le jour de la course, j'ai bu beaucoup d'eau pour me garder rafraîchie. La course a été très fatigante, mais j'ai couru à un bon rythme et était très content de moi.

À l'école, nous avons des leçons d'éducation physique une fois par semaine pendant deux heures. Nous faisons une gamme de sports d'équipe comme le netball, le basket-ball et le football, mais vous pouvez également faire des sports individuels comme la natation, la danse et l'aérobic. Il ya beaucoup de clubs sportifs et les équipes qui les élèves peuvent se joindre. Il ya aussi un gymnase de l'école où les élèves peuvent se mettre en forme. Pour s'assurer que les élèves restent en bonne santé les repas scolaires n'avez pas d'articles malsains comme le sel disponibles. Souvent, il ya beaucoup de fruits et légumes à manger.

Dans l'avenir, je vais assister à ma salle de gym locale tous les matins pour rester en forme. Je ne vais pas fumer parce que fumer nuit à vos poumons. J'espère devenir végétarien pour que mon régime sera plus sain avec beaucoup plus de fruits et légumes! Je voudrais suivre des cours de yoga et de travailler sur ma respiration pour me garder calme et détendu.
I'll correct the rest when I have more time later. All in all so far it's looking good. It's just a question of reading more/watching more French films so you have a better idea of what sounds French. In some cases I've been picky so don't get too disheartened. Your verb and noun agreements are good. Like I say, I'll finish the rest later.
0
reply
Bobjim12
Badges: 20
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#5
Report 8 years ago
#5
(Original post by barnetlad)
patrice evra might be free on tuesday and wednesday evenings after mid march, if that's not too late.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh beef! Trollololol
0
reply
Temporality
Badges: 17
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#6
Report 8 years ago
#6
(Original post by isseypistor)
Tout au long de la journée de la course, j'ai bu beaucoup d'eau pour me garder rafraîchie. La course a été très fatigante, mais j'ai couru à un bon rythme et j'ai été bien contente. [perfect not imperfect - you are speaking about one specific date]

À l'école, nous avons des cours d'éducation physique une fois par semaine qui durent deux heures. Nous faisons une gamme de sports d'équipe comme le netball, le basket-ball et le football, mais nous pouvons [once again, don't use vous to mean you in that English sense. You can use on to describe people in general, where the English would use 'you', but as you are describing 'us', the students, it's ok to use nous] également faire des sports individuels comme la natation, la danse et l'aérobic. Il existe beaucoup de clubs sportifs et d' [beaucoup + de always] équipes que les élèves peuvent se joindre. Il ya aussi un gymnase de l'école où les élèves peuvent se mettre en forme. Pour s'assurer que les élèves restent en bonne santé les repas scolaires n'ONT [not avez, check your verb conjugation of avoir] pas d'articles malsains, par exemple, le sel n'est pas disponible. Souvent, il ya beaucoup de fruits et légumes à manger.

A l'avenir [never dans l'avenir], je vais me trainer à ma salle de gym locale tous les matins pour rester en forme. Je ne vais pas fumer parce que fumer nuit aux[les not vos, and since a + les becomes aux, we pput nuit aux ] poumons. J'espère devenir végétarien pour que mon régime SOIT [POUR QUE + SUBJUNCTIVE] plus sain, Y COMPRENNANT, [including in it] beaucoup plus de fruits et légumes! Je voudrais suivre des cours de yoga et améliorer [the French never say travailler sur t mean work on something. yes they say, travailler to mean work but it does not take on the meaning 'work on' in the same way it does in English. So it is better to say améliorer = improve] ma respiration afin de [in order to] me garder calme et détendu.
Sorry to be picky in places, I too have had French essays obliterated by corrections in the past, and know how bad it feels, but without that, I would never have got my A Level! You're doing well keep it up
0
reply
Temporality
Badges: 17
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#7
Report 8 years ago
#7
(Original post by isseypistor)
At the moment it is 423 words and i am supposed to keep it around 300 words! The key points i am meant to include are:
  • what my diet is like
  • the importance of being healthy
  • things to do to keep fit in my area
  • an activity i did recently to keep fit
  • things in my school to ensure students stay healthy
  • how i plan to stay healthy when i am older


After looking at my essay, is there anything you suggest i cut out ?
Thank you
No worries. I would say try to have a read through, maybe print out and highlight phrases where you may have:

a. reused the same vocabulary more than once. e.g. you say you eat des fruits et des legumes. Then you later say there are des fruits et des legumes at your school. You've already shown you know these words and there's no point repeating them, when you've already made your point about there not being unhealthy foods and that salt isn't available. So try to cut out where you re-use vocabulary and are over-answering one of the bullet points. I think you use salle de gym and gymnase a lot too, so just go through and look at where you re-use the same vocab and have already answered the question.
b. said things that are self-evident. E.g. you give examples of sports clubs and teams that are available so do you really need to then add "Il existe beaucoup de clubs sportifs et d'équipes que les élèves peuvent se joindre?"
c. already answered the bullet point but there are certain phrases which use more interesting grammar and vocab, as well as phrases that don't. Cut out any phrases that are redundant and don't use sophisticated French if you are already addressing the bullet point with some interesting sentences. E.g. if you are using the present tense/ or saying il y a, as opposed to using the past tense or subjunctive or il existe. It is a question of quality verses quantity so you don't need redundant simple phrasing if you already addressed the bullet point using some complex phrases.

Hope this helps you cut it down
0
reply
isseypistor
Badges: 0
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#8
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#8
(Original post by Temporality)
No worries. I would say try to have a read through, maybe print out and highlight phrases where you may have:

a. reused the same vocabulary more than once. e.g. you say you eat des fruits et des legumes. Then you later say there are des fruits et des legumes at your school. You've already shown you know these words and there's no point repeating them, when you've already made your point about there not being unhealthy foods and that salt isn't available. So try to cut out where you re-use vocabulary and are over-answering one of the bullet points. I think you use salle de gym and gymnase a lot too, so just go through and look at where you re-use the same vocab and have already answered the question.
b. said things that are self-evident. E.g. you give examples of sports clubs and teams that are available so do you really need to then add "Il existe beaucoup de clubs sportifs et d'équipes que les élèves peuvent se joindre?"
c. already answered the bullet point but there are certain phrases which use more interesting grammar and vocab, as well as phrases that don't. Cut out any phrases that are redundant and don't use sophisticated French if you are already addressing the bullet point with some interesting sentences. E.g. if you are using the present tense/ or saying il y a, as opposed to using the past tense or subjunctive or il existe. It is a question of quality verses quantity so you don't need redundant simple phrasing if you already addressed the bullet point using some complex phrases.

Hope this helps you cut it down
J'ai une alimentation de santé et j'essaie de comprendre tous les principaux groupes d'aliments. Je mange beaucoup de la viande, en particulier du poulet. J'aime les choses douces, j'ai souvent des gâteaux et des gaufres et parfois je bois les boissons sucrées comme le coca-cola. Rester en bonne santé est très important parce qu'on risque de tomber malade si on mange d'un façon malsain. Si on reste en bonne santé, la longevité augmente, on va sentir plus confiant et heureux!

Dans ma région, il ya une salle de sport où on peut se mettre en forme. Dans le gymnase, il y existe une piscine et machines d'exercice et on peut faire partie des cours de danse. Les séances de tango me plaisent beaucoup! En été, on s'amuse à jouer aux courts de tennis, qui se situent à côté du parc dans ma région.

Récemment, j'ai fait partie d'une course de cinq kilomètres afin de rester en bonne santé. Pour me préparer, j'ai couru autour de mon parc chaque matin et j'ai mangé très sainement, en évitant toutes les choses douces, car ils me ralentissent. Tout au long de la journée de la course, j'ai bu beaucoup d'eau pour me garder rafraîchie. La course a été très fatigante, mais j'ai couru à un bon rythme et j'ai été bien contente.

À l'école, nous avons des cours d'éducation physique une fois par semaine qui durent deux heures. Il existe beaucoup d'équipes sportives que les élèves peuvent se joindre comme le netball et le football, mais nous pouvons également faire des sports individuels comme la natation et l'aérobic. Pour s'assurer que les élèves restent en bonne santé les repas scolaires n'ont pas d'articles malsains, par exemple, le sel n'est pas disponible.

A l'avenir, je vais me trainer à ma gym locale tous les matins pour rester en forme. Je ne vais pas fumer parce que fumer nuit aux poumons. J'espère devenir végétarien pour que mon régime soit plus sain. Je voudrais suivre des cours de yoga et améliorer ma respiration afin de me garder calme et détendu.


This is my final cut, how does it look? Thank you for all this
0
reply
Tintin007
Badges: 0
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#9
Report 8 years ago
#9
To get the highest mark maybe add a few more tenses like the conditional or imperfect tense? i see you included a lot of the present tense and a bit of future maybe try a few more different tenses? Hope that helps
0
reply
watermelon1234
Badges: 0
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#10
Report 8 years ago
#10
(Original post by isseypistor)
At the moment it is 423 words and i am supposed to keep it around 300 words! The key points i am meant to include are:
  • what my diet is like
  • the importance of being healthy
  • things to do to keep fit in my area
  • an activity i did recently to keep fit
  • things in my school to ensure students stay healthy
  • how i plan to stay healthy when i am older


After looking at my essay, is there anything you suggest i cut out ?
Thank you
the amount of words doesnt make a difference. My teacher asked the exam bored. Just make sure its amazing the whole way a long and doesn`t become worse as it goes on. Just make sure u learn it word for word
0
reply
isseypistor
Badges: 0
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#11
Report Thread starter 8 years ago
#11
(Original post by Temporality)
I'll correct the rest when I have more time later. All in all so far it's looking good. It's just a question of reading more/watching more French films so you have a better idea of what sounds French. In some cases I've been picky so don't get too disheartened. Your verb and noun agreements are good. Like I say, I'll finish the rest later.

could everyone please delete their posts on here? I want to get rid of all my threads
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest

How did The Student Room help you with your university application?

Talking to current university students (19)
17.76%
Talking to peers going through the same thing (38)
35.51%
Speaking to student ambassadors from the universities (6)
5.61%
Speaking to staff members from universities (2)
1.87%
Using the personal statement builder, library or helper service (10)
9.35%
Reading articles about what steps to take (20)
18.69%
Learning about/speaking to Student Finance England (5)
4.67%
Something else (tell us in the thread) (7)
6.54%

Watched Threads

View All