The Student Room Group

Mums and Dads - why are they so hard to appreciate?

A friend of mine whose parents are divorced says "I don't have a dad" when people ask about him. This is very hard for me to understand, and I thought I'd try to tell you about my thoughts.

I don't have a dad. He died in a car crash when I was nearly 5. I don't even have a memory of my dad, although I do remember some things that happened before the accident. The only remote memory is that of the glass being installed into our doors, and 2 men cutting the glass (I can still see it now, from that height where you just about reach their waist). Some time ago I found out that one of these men was my father.

At times, watching those chat shows about abusive cheating parents who hurt their families so much, I think that I am more happy with what I have - i.e. no dad, just the idea that I had one and he was a good man. However, more recently I have reconsidered this.

Whatever annoys you in your parents, it's a lot better to have them in your life. You can hate them or you can love them, you might hate the idea that you are part of them (if they haven't done your family justice) but you are. You are part of them, part of 2 people. I am part of my mum, and a part of that man who has been put under ground 13 years ago. I don't know what he was like, I have experienced neither love nor anger towards this person. Well, I "love him" on a superficial level, because "he was my dad", but the one time when I was brought to his grave I was really disturbed. "Dad" was an idea to me, an abstract concept. Not a person with the eyes and the smile and a body, and yet there he was "6 feet under" from where I stood, and all I could think of was not love - it was "his face must be horribly deformed because he died of brain damage from the accident". Your parents give you experiences, good or bad, kids are influenced by parents for a reason. You can't deny their existence because having them in your life makes you the person you are, and you can't deny that.

My friend says "no, I don't have a dad" when her dad lives an hour away with his new family, I don't get it. If her father had died instead of leaving her family, she wouldn't be the person she is now, so his very existence gave her experience (if negative) and made her the person she is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you wish for, and also whatever you feel about your parents try to look at the bigger picture and see how their presence in your life has made you into who you are (may be you'll never cheat on your wife/husband because you saw how much your mum/dad was hurt, or may be you think you will handle differently and bring up your kids differently as a result of your upbinging).

Decided to go anon in the end, I don't want sympathy, I want to make a point :redface:

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Yes it is a good point. I'm afraid though I fall into the category of being slightly ungrateful.

It isn't that I don't care about them but I am so distanced from them it is more like I live with strangers than people I love, I suppose I love them in the sense that I would be distraught when they die but in day to day life, because we clash so much personality wise we keep our distance.
My dad died when I was 15. He was in to have an operation to reverse one he'd had the year before, which had saved his life (what he had could've killed him within 48 hours). It was the hottest summer on record, and my dad suffered really badly from asthma and blood pressure. We were promised he'd be carefully watched, because the heat and the anxiety could be lethal. However, it turns out that all they'd done for him when he'd complained about feeling the onset of the chest pains was to give him a glass of water. Then, he got out of bed to try to get their attention (they were ignoring the buzzers), and they walked him back to his bed, but he collapsed on the floor before he got there. There wasn't anything they could do after that, and at 5am, my mum woke me up to tell me my daddy was gone.

I'd give anything to have him back. When it comes down to it, how much of a problem is being told "your skirt is too short, go change it right now", or "no, you're NOT going to that party"? All I want is him back to tell me to put a jumper on, or to criticise my driving so much I want to strap him to the exhaust pipe. Once it's gone, it's never coming back. I just wish I'd appreciated it enough when I had the chance.

I love you, Daddy xxx
why is everyone in here posting as annonymous and many people write bull like my dad went to hospital twice in his whole life the second time he went he died, thats why i aint got a father. what a joke, ill put this as annonymous, i dont wnat to get in trouble


nike
Reply 4
I was going to write "wait until they die" after reading the title, then I read your post (OP), and you pretty much said everything I wanted to say...
Anonymous
My dad died when I was 15. He was in to have an operation to reverse one he'd had the year before, which had saved his life (what he had could've killed him within 48 hours). It was the hottest summer on record, and my dad suffered really badly from asthma and blood pressure. We were promised he'd be carefully watched, because the heat and the anxiety could be lethal. However, it turns out that all they'd done for him when he'd complained about feeling the onset of the chest pains was to give him a glass of water. Then, he got out of bed to try to get their attention (they were ignoring the buzzers), and they walked him back to his bed, but he collapsed on the floor before he got there. There wasn't anything they could do after that, and at 5am, my mum woke me up to tell me my daddy was gone.

I'd give anything to have him back. When it comes down to it, how much of a problem is being told "your skirt is too short, go change it right now", or "no, you're NOT going to that party"? All I want is him back to tell me to put a jumper on, or to criticise my driving so much I want to strap him to the exhaust pipe. Once it's gone, it's never coming back. I just wish I'd appreciated it enough when I had the chance.

I love you, Daddy xxx


I guess some would say that I'm "lucky" because I don't remember the pain of losing my dad (like you do, having been 15) - like I said, I don't remember anything, but at the same time I don't have these experiences up to the age of 15 like you had. Must have been hard for you though.

For all of you here.
Anonymous
why is everyone in here posting as annonymous and many people write bull like my dad went to hospital twice in his whole life the second time he went he died, thats why i aint got a father. what a joke, ill put this as annonymous, i dont wnat to get in trouble


nike


What? Did I read this right, you think everyone on here lied?? Well, I'm the OP, and I see no reason for these people to lie. This topic isn't something to joke about.
Reply 7
What? Did I read this right, you think everyone on here lied?? Well, I'm the OP, and I see no reason for these people to lie. This topic isn't something to joke about.

:: tanusha-tomsk (just to prove it's me)
Reply 8
i guess some people's dads may as well be dead for the amount of time they invest in their kids. I guess thats why some people say they dont have a dad, sperm doesnt make someone a real dad, being there does.
Good point, and good news for step fathers :yes:
Reply 10
Glory
i guess some peoples' dads may as be dead for the amount of time they invest in their kids. I guess thats why some people say they dont have a dad, sperm doesnt make someone a real dad, being there does.



People's* :p:


tanusha-tomsk :lovie:
Reply 11
I miss my daddy. I want him to see me get married and have babies and he won't. :frown:
Reply 12
Whatever annoys you in your parents, it's a lot better to have them in your life


Is it? I wouldn't say an abused child is better with their parents in their lives. I was raised with a physically abusive mother and a father who didn't really care what was going on, I wouldn't say I was better with them in my life. I'd have rather been maybe put into care and raised with someone decent or maybe been given to another family member.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you wish for, and also whatever you feel about your parents try to look at the bigger picture and see how their presence in your life has made you into who you are


In my case it has given me a violent temper and extreme impatience. I'm not pleased about what I turned into.

My point is, I could go out tonight, find some random guy and decide to forget about condoms and get myself accidentally pregnant. What would the baby owe me? I didn't do anything to earn my baby's respect.
I know people who have been raised by grandparents, foster parents and been raised almost completely in care. There's nothing wrong with them and I feel that all of them were better off for being in the situation they are now.
I understand that a lot of kind, considerate parents don't get the appreciation they deserve from their children and that is very sad but just because you had a child and you made a half-assed attempt at raising them doesn't mean you deserve any appreciation.
Sorani
Is it? I wouldn't say an abused child is better with their parents in their lives. I was raised with a physically abusive mother and a father who didn't really care what was going on, I wouldn't say I was better with them in my life. I'd have rather been maybe put into care and raised with someone decent or maybe been given to another family member.

In my case it has given me a violent temper and extreme impatience. I'm not pleased about what I turned into.

My point is, I could go out tonight, find some random guy and decide to forget about condoms and get myself accidentally pregnant. What would the baby owe me? I didn't do anything to earn my baby's respect.
I know people who have been raised by grandparents, foster parents and been raised almost completely in care. There's nothing wrong with them and I feel that all of them were better off for being in the situation they are now.
I understand that a lot of kind, considerate parents don't get the appreciation they deserve from their children and that is very sad but just because you had a child and you made a half-assed attempt at raising them doesn't mean you deserve any appreciation.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. I wasn't really referring to abuse as such, hence the "annoy" bit - all those little things that make people hate their parents. On the other hand, judging by what you said in the third paragraph, I'm sure that you will make a wonderful parent, although it would have been so much better to be inspired by your own loving family than the lack of one.
NViasko
tanusha-tomsk :lovie:

:dancing:
Reply 15
I only ever really appreciate my parents when I'm not living with them. When I moved away to uni I started to see them more as real people, not just 'mum' and 'dad'. It's hard living with people, especially if you're not close to them or get along particularly well, but I do appreciate them.
Your parents do A LOT for you(in most cases)....you should appreciate it.I know it's hard to do that because you think they owe you it because they're your parents(and I know I thought that when I was younger) but you will regret it when they have gone.

I haven't got a dad...he abandoned me when I was 11.He hasn't seen me grow up or congratulated me on my exam results or seen me get into uni. He regarded a bottle of vodka as more important than me.He is dead to me...

My mum died recently and ever since then I have been racked with guilt over how evil I was to her when I was younger and how unhelpful I think I was during the last few weeks of her life(she was really ill with cancer...).
cherrychocolate
Your parents do A LOT for you(in most cases)....you should appreciate it.I know it's hard to do that because you think they owe you it because they're your parents(and I know I thought that when I was younger) but you will regret it when they have gone.

I haven't got a dad...he abandoned me when I was 11.He hasn't seen me grow up or congratulated me on my exam results or seen me get into uni. He regarded a bottle of vodka as more important than me.He is dead to me...

My mum died recently and ever since then I have been racked with guilt over how evil I was to her when I was younger and how unhelpful I think I was during the last few weeks of her life(she was really ill with cancer...).

:hugs: We don't always behave the way we would like to when life hits us hard; I can promise you that your mum knew how much you loved her. That's one of the wonderful things about parents, whatever you do they know that deep inside you love them, even if you never tell them that.

Another thing that someone taught me, (it does sound harsh I should warn you) is that feeling upset, sorry or guilty after a loss is selfish. I've been upset over someones death (someone very close to me) for a year, thinking what I could have done differently, and only a year later (after talking it through and realising that it's actually selfish although understandable) I could gradually let it go (although I never stoped missing her) and I felt like the stone has been shifted. Chances are, most people would have handeled what happened to your mum a lot worse than you have. But you didn't com here for a lecture, sorry. Thanks for sharing.

About your dad, you might regard him a dead but it's still not the same as if he were dead. You can't pretend you don't have a dad, you know he is out here in this world, he is out here, the person you were once so close to, and knowing this must have influenced on your life, whether you feel it or not. That's my take on things anyway.

xx
Reply 18
tanusha :smile: x
tanusha-tomsk
:hugs: We don't always behave the way we would like to when life hits us hard; I can promise you that your mum knew how much you loved her. That's one of the wonderful things about parents, whatever you do they know that deep inside you love them, even if you never tell them that.

Another thing that someone taught me, (it does sound harsh I should warn you) is that feeling upset, sorry or guilty after a loss is selfish. I've been upset over someones death (someone very close to me) for a year, thinking what I could have done differently, and only a year later (after talking it through and realising that it's actually selfish although understandable) I could gradually let it go (although I never stoped missing her) and I felt like the stone has been shifted. Chances are, most people would have handeled what happened to your mum a lot worse than you have. But you didn't com here for a lecture, sorry. Thanks for sharing.

About your dad, you might regard him a dead but it's still not the same as if he were dead. You can't pretend you don't have a dad, you know he is out here in this world, he is out here, the person you were once so close to, and knowing this must have influenced on your life, whether you feel it or not. That's my take on things anyway.

xx


Thank you.No I don't know if my dad is dead or alive and tbh,I don't care.I was never close to him and the only influence he has had on my life is making me scared of people coming near me and not to trust people too.

There are probably people who didn't come and see my mum because of her illness(felt uncomfortable?) but she had a lot of friends who helped and supported her.