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I have been really stupid.

I'm 17 and 5 months ago got my first crush on someone. At first I didn't even realise what I was feeling was a crush. I wanted to be friends with him (he's gay) and at first we got on really well. I didn't realise what I was doing but I was spending excessive amounts of time around him and staring at him more than a normal person would. I followed him on twitter and added him on facebook. People began to notice the signs of a crush even if I didn't. People asked me and I denied it to them and him. Now, this guy is popular and on his ask.fm account got many obsessed people/trolls sending him stuff anon. A couple of months ago my grandfather got diagnosed with bowel cancer the same cancer that killed my other grandfather 6 years ago (which caused me to have a sleep phobia and councilling) I scared my family so much during that time that since then I just instinctively hide my feelings. However by this time I had begun to accept my feelings and became irrationally terrified of him knowing (he had told me that even of I did have a crush he didn't care) I asked him a few questions on ask.fm trying to figure out if he knew which admittedly I'm not proud of he began to suspect me due to careless coincidences However due to the other creepy questions he got he thinks many were mine that weren't. I began to be around him / stare increasingly because he became a distraction from the other stuff going on and like a drug I needed a bigger and bigger dose each time for it to be effective. Due to him thinking many questions were from me that weren't (obsessive paragraphs etc.) He began to become more and more distant. People asked him on ask.fm about people who had a crush on him and he kept going on about a girl at his college who he wished he had confronted at the beginning as there may have been a "salvageable friendship" and how he was annoyed at someone obviously lying and being sneaky. someone asked why not confront me now and at least get answers. And he answered "no point now" I saw all this and realised he definitely knew I had a crush on him so I sent him an question asking him that if he wanted I'd tell him everything face to face. I told him I was sorry as I didn't mean for this to happen, but some of the things he thought I had done I hadn't. I told him I knew it had been childish but I couldn't undo what I had done (lying about having a crush / staring etc..) and that I wasn't happy about the state things had got to. He answered with "I acknowledge your apology but YOU instigated the situation and were incredibly childish, sneaky and creepy (he still thought the creepy troll questions were from me when truthfully I had only sent him like 5 questions when I was scared he knew how I felt and was trying to find out for sure) I'm also not happy with the situation but there is no going back from this. Leave me alone." And he removed me from FB and twitter. I know some of this treatment I deserve but some stuff definitely wasn't me. He also clearly thinks that I was deliberately lying to him at the beginning when in reality I was lying to myself. I feel physically sick and have had a couple of anxiety attacks. I thought "heartbreak" was an expression but my heart really does ache. My sleeping has got worse than ever. It's going to be super awkward when I see him at college. Advice please? You don't need to respond with abuse because I know it is my fault but I want to move on from it. When my first grandfather had cancer he was given 6 months to live but fought for over 2 years and I saw him deteriorate in front of my eyes. I'm scared I'm going to see this again and it has made me act stupidly emotionally.. My crush gave me that emotional high which was unhealthy but for a little while let me forget all my other worries.

Reply 1

Stickman

Organise it in a paragraph, then people will actually read it.

Reply 2

tonberry

I'm deadly serious here, but your structuring is so bad that for the first time ever my monitor actually looked like MissingNo from pokemon for about 3 seconds when my screen was centered on your text. It actually bugged out.