Psychological issues surrounding long standing eating disorder. Advice needed.
This is a wall of text, of which I apologise for. I am just in the processing of withdrawing from my final teaching practice,
where I am responsible for planning and teaching the majority of the weeks timetable. This is due to a number of
reasons, most of which I believe all relate to my state of mental health. I would like some advice on where I can go for further help and support and what my next steps to action should be. Also, if anyone has been through something similar I would appreciate it if you could relate to this to me.
Some context:
When I was 18 I
developed an eating disorder as a way of taking back the control I lost in an abusive relationship. However, I never really sought treatment for the eating disorder other than some emotional chats with various counsellors and my GP, and my weight was constantly monitored. Therefore, to this day, I have never really tackled the eating disorder and have slipped in and out of being fixated with food/ exercise. I can rationalise the amount of exercise I do now as a passion, which it is, but it is also an obsessive need to keep my weight down, a coping strategy against eating too much food. I do eat more than I used to as I don't want anyone to question my food choices. Even if I tell people I eat healthily, there's this irrational fear of people looking right through me and seeing my eating disorder. For example, my friends invite me out for meals frequently. When I was 18 I would either isolate myself from everyone or
go out and not eat, always claiming I had already eaten or just did not feel
like it. I so desperately want to maintain the friendships I have ( I have
explained the eating disorder to some of them and although they are all
sympathetic there isn't that real empathetic understanding - they just haven't lived my life) that the only way I
can go out and eat any food at all is to exercise all the calories off the next
day. Now, during placement I am unable to exercise due to the workload and it
was making me emotionally fraught. It was also affecting all the existing relationships I have as my mood was plummeting. As a previous sufferer of depression, I am not willing to go back to that dark place again. Now, I was getting upset partially because dance
and fitness are passions of mine and when I don't spend time on them, I feel as though I am losing my identity and I do get extremely
restless if I can't either. However, I also don't like sitting still for too
long as I believe this will lead to a massive weight gain, even though I know there is no evidence for this. Henceforth I try to
avoid it. This has affected much of what I am able to do and has meant my
academic ability has been sorely compromised as I have always been stronger at
writing than verbalising, but have done far and far less writing as the years
have ebbed by because I am scared of putting on weight.
I did gain
weight in my final year at university due to turning to food again as a source
of comfort when I had so many deadlines to reach. It wasn't a dramatic weight
gain but made a difference to me. I have now lost all of that weight and more
but I know my fear of becoming heavier is leading me to gain sabotage future
opportunities and hence has led me to failing my lesson observation and
performing badly on placement. Also, due to being in the grip of an eating
disorder for a number of years (I can't say for how long), I lost a lot of my
ability to concentrate. Although this is in part due to my personality, being an
introvert whose concentration is focussed inward, I believe this was because I
didn't practice my speaking and listening skills during this time as my head was
filled with anxious thoughts of 'how can I avoid x treat/ meal/ drink'. I became
extremely cunning and secretive. Even to this day, I deploy some of those
strategies.
Fast forward to being on placement, and teaching practice is
where you have to be open and honest at all times and really focus on what is
going on around you, making quick professional judgements. I am not in a place
where I am capable of doing this so therefore was really struggling. I realise
that the profession is not for me, owing to a range of factors but mainly due to
where I am emotionally. However, as this is a recurring issue for me,
withdrawing from activities due to being unable to exercise and fear of eating,
and at the moment I am battling on alone, I wanted to know if there is anyone
who can help me formulate a plan to live a normal healthy life. I want to have a steady job, nothing too demanding although I am prepared to work hard, earn
a living wage and incorporate fitness into my life as it is a passion but without it
becoming an obsession. I don't want to feel limited because of my issues around
eating. Because of it, I feel as though it is constantly 1 step forward, two
steps back.
where I am responsible for planning and teaching the majority of the weeks timetable. This is due to a number of
reasons, most of which I believe all relate to my state of mental health. I would like some advice on where I can go for further help and support and what my next steps to action should be. Also, if anyone has been through something similar I would appreciate it if you could relate to this to me.
Some context:
When I was 18 I
developed an eating disorder as a way of taking back the control I lost in an abusive relationship. However, I never really sought treatment for the eating disorder other than some emotional chats with various counsellors and my GP, and my weight was constantly monitored. Therefore, to this day, I have never really tackled the eating disorder and have slipped in and out of being fixated with food/ exercise. I can rationalise the amount of exercise I do now as a passion, which it is, but it is also an obsessive need to keep my weight down, a coping strategy against eating too much food. I do eat more than I used to as I don't want anyone to question my food choices. Even if I tell people I eat healthily, there's this irrational fear of people looking right through me and seeing my eating disorder. For example, my friends invite me out for meals frequently. When I was 18 I would either isolate myself from everyone or
go out and not eat, always claiming I had already eaten or just did not feel
like it. I so desperately want to maintain the friendships I have ( I have
explained the eating disorder to some of them and although they are all
sympathetic there isn't that real empathetic understanding - they just haven't lived my life) that the only way I
can go out and eat any food at all is to exercise all the calories off the next
day. Now, during placement I am unable to exercise due to the workload and it
was making me emotionally fraught. It was also affecting all the existing relationships I have as my mood was plummeting. As a previous sufferer of depression, I am not willing to go back to that dark place again. Now, I was getting upset partially because dance
and fitness are passions of mine and when I don't spend time on them, I feel as though I am losing my identity and I do get extremely
restless if I can't either. However, I also don't like sitting still for too
long as I believe this will lead to a massive weight gain, even though I know there is no evidence for this. Henceforth I try to
avoid it. This has affected much of what I am able to do and has meant my
academic ability has been sorely compromised as I have always been stronger at
writing than verbalising, but have done far and far less writing as the years
have ebbed by because I am scared of putting on weight.
I did gain
weight in my final year at university due to turning to food again as a source
of comfort when I had so many deadlines to reach. It wasn't a dramatic weight
gain but made a difference to me. I have now lost all of that weight and more
but I know my fear of becoming heavier is leading me to gain sabotage future
opportunities and hence has led me to failing my lesson observation and
performing badly on placement. Also, due to being in the grip of an eating
disorder for a number of years (I can't say for how long), I lost a lot of my
ability to concentrate. Although this is in part due to my personality, being an
introvert whose concentration is focussed inward, I believe this was because I
didn't practice my speaking and listening skills during this time as my head was
filled with anxious thoughts of 'how can I avoid x treat/ meal/ drink'. I became
extremely cunning and secretive. Even to this day, I deploy some of those
strategies.
Fast forward to being on placement, and teaching practice is
where you have to be open and honest at all times and really focus on what is
going on around you, making quick professional judgements. I am not in a place
where I am capable of doing this so therefore was really struggling. I realise
that the profession is not for me, owing to a range of factors but mainly due to
where I am emotionally. However, as this is a recurring issue for me,
withdrawing from activities due to being unable to exercise and fear of eating,
and at the moment I am battling on alone, I wanted to know if there is anyone
who can help me formulate a plan to live a normal healthy life. I want to have a steady job, nothing too demanding although I am prepared to work hard, earn
a living wage and incorporate fitness into my life as it is a passion but without it
becoming an obsession. I don't want to feel limited because of my issues around
eating. Because of it, I feel as though it is constantly 1 step forward, two
steps back.
They may be able to get over it in due time but there are times when nocturnal enuresis may cause some mental issues among kids. Parents play a contributory role in the way kids perceive on their own especially when they have this kind of issue. Children may be able to overcome this issue in due time but the psychological issues that they have designed may stay with them until they grow up as adults. Dealing with bedwetting issues may not be very easy for both the mother, father and their children.
