letting your girlfriend think you're still a virgin = wrong?

So I've been with my girlfriend for three years now. I've had two girlfriends prior to her and lost my virginity to the second girl.

Current girlfriend is quite insecure, and when we started dating, she got VERY upset when I told her that my ex and I used to fool around in bed. (She had asked whether we fooled around sexually or not)

I hadn't mentioned that I'd lost my virginity to my ex at this point, but she ended up crying, so my instinct was to say that I am still a virgin veins that she will be my first, which made her feel better.

Was I wrong to do that? We've been together three years now and we haven't been able to have sex yet because it still hurts her too much when we try. So she's still a virgin.

Tl;Dr my gfs a virgin and I told her that I am too when I'm not. Is that wrong?

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Reply 1

redferry

Original post by Anonymous

Lying to your partner is wrong. So yes it is.

Also I recommend your gf sees a Dr/psychologist about her issues with sex.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 2

lNurl

Original post by Anonymous

I don't get one thing? If having sex is hurting your gf,she defo needs to see a doctor. Its not normal.

About if its wrong or right. You lied, everyone lies, moral reason for you lieing is not to hurt her feeling.

Such a crybaby gf you have. Why would anyone cry over bf having done things in previous relationship.
You either accept it or leave.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by redferry

Lying to your partner is wrong. So yes it is.

Also I recommend your gf sees a Dr/psychologist about her issues with sex.

Even if the lying was not to benefit myself in any way but to make her fell better?

Original post by lNurl

She's seen a doctor but she's just afraid of how much the first time hurts

Reply 4

liamjjohnson

3 years no sex, dam man, and u had sex prior to this relationship.

To answer your question, yes it is wrong

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by liamjjohnson

3 years no sex, dam man, and u had sex prior to this relationship.

The things men do for love... :afraid:

Reply 6

Carpe Vinum

But surely if you've tried to have sex and it hurt (i.e. you've had sex with her) then she's not a virgin any more... I don't get it? How would she know it hurts otherwise.

Anyway, 3 years is a long-term relationship. I wouldn't lie. Just reassure her that there's no reason to be insecure!

Also your girlfriend should see a doctor if it's really bad.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 7

Jebedee

Why are you still with her?

Reply 8

redferry

Original post by Anonymous

Even if the lying was not to benefit myself in any way but to make her fell better?

She's seen a doctor but she's just afraid of how much the first time hurts

If she finds out she is never going to trust you again.

Better to get everything out in the open at the start. At the moment she is basing her relationship decisions on a lie and I don't think that is fair. She does sound mentally unstable though, as I said, encourage her to see a Dr.

Reply 9

lNurl

Original post by Anonymous

Even if the lying was not to benefit myself in any way but to make her fell better?

She's seen a doctor but she's just afraid of how much the first time hurts

I'm not the best person for relationship advise, but something sounds not right. Are you not gonna have sex with her forever? Because it might hurt? Give her an ultimatum xD

Reply 10

El Salvador

Yes. That's dishonesty.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by redferry

The reason for the lie in the first place was due to the fact that since we started dating, she'd accuse me of cheating or the like at any mention of a girl, even if it was a platonic friend. that and her crying upon mentioning what i said earlier.

Reply 12

redferry

Original post by Anonymous

Doctors. Seriously. She has problems.

You shouldn't be facilitating that behaviour by placating her.

Reply 13

~ Aquamarine ~

I know you was trying to make her feel better, but it was wrong to do. just tell her the truth. She can't expect you to be a virgin, it's not your fault you met her after you've lost your virginity :redface:

I think she should go back to the doctors, she might have Vaginismus - where the muscles tighten involuntarily and therefore it hurts to have sex.

Reply 14

GottaLovePhysics! :)

Original post by redferry

You shouldn't be facilitating that behaviour by placating her.

Exactly. She gets distraught because you were intimate with previous girlfriends yet is afraid to have sex for three years because the first time hurts? You were wrong to lie but she is the one with the problem!

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Original post by GottaLovePhysics! :)

so should I end it? recently I've been feeling that this isn't the healthiest of relationships (a bit late, i know). I love her n all but the smothering is a bit much.

I reckon a weaker man would've cheated by now :cool:

Reply 16

awe

Honestly... I think you're terrible, and I think the lie was absolutely wrong. Lying is the worst thing you can do, dishonesty does not belong in a mature relationship, and I think the very fact that this quite large part of your relationship has been built up on a lie doesn't suggest it is a lasting relationship. However, whilst I would normally say come clean now, be honest now, let her know that you are a liar now - that almost definitely would end the relationship. So you have to be aware of that.

Just saw that you say the relationship hasn't been great - end it now. The moment you wonder whether you should end a relationship as you have, you should, in my opinion. She doesn't deserve being pulled along whilst you're having these thoughts. Yes, she might be hard to deal with and thus your reasons for wanting to split will be totally justified - but do it now, because it sounds like you know that's where this is headed.

I would say, and again this is odd for me because I stand by honesty being #1, in my own relationship and others, but if you are going to break up with her anyway, don't tell her you were not a virgin. It won't be necessary and would really, really rub salt in the wound.

I agree that your partner should see a psych for her issues surrounding sex. Not for it hurting, but perhaps for her reaction to knowing you fooled about previously - that is quite unnatural. Do you do other things with her?

As for the sex itself hurting, this is something that is understandable. However, after three years?! If you haven't done it now, when will you? Have you researched the best way to have sex (assuming that you're large and she's very tight) ? There are many things you can do, that perhaps you haven't been, in order to make it easier - not just foreplay but certain positions, exercises etc. If nothing works then she should return to the GP more seriously.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 17

Jebedee

Original post by Anonymous

No, a weaker man dismisses his requirements and self-respect, sticks around and let's himself be treated like dirt.
A strong man doesn't get with tapped girls or kicks her to the curb after a very short time.

Reply 18

Potential Trigger

If she's worth it (for you), you should help her. Depends how much she means to you.

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

Original post by awe

. The moment you wonder whether you should end a relationship as you have, you should, in my opinion. She doesn't deserve being pulled along whilst you're having these thoughts. Yes, she might be hard to deal with and thus your reasons for wanting to split will be totally justified - but do it now, because it sounds like you know that's where this is headed.

I would say, and again this is odd for me because I stand by honesty being #1, in my own relationship and others, but if you are going to break up with her anyway, don't tell her you were not a virgin. It won't be necessary and would really, really rub salt in the wound.

I agree that your partner should see a psych for her issues surrounding sex. Not for it hurting, but perhaps for her reaction to knowing you fooled about previously - that is quite unnatural. Do you do other things with her?

As for the sex itself hurting, this is something that is understandable. However, after three years?! If you haven't done it now, when will you? Have you researched the best way to have sex (assuming that you're large and she's very tight) ? There are many things you can do, that perhaps you haven't been, in order to make it easier - not just foreplay but certain positions, exercises etc. If nothing works then she should return to the GP more seriously.

You seem to make it seem like I'm some sort of compulsive liar; I'm not, and this was the only lie I've ever told her, and it was to make her feel better. Granted, I've never had the courage to correct the lie, and her insecurity and my feelings for her prevented me from doing so.

We've also researched a lot and tried all things including using lubricant and foreplay and whatnot, but nothing seems effective. I figured it's all just a psych thing. Bearing in mind that we've been trying to have sex for the past 2 years.