The Student Room Group

tensing up...

My boyfriend and I nearly went all the way today but I tensed up and pushed him away. He's a really great guy, but I've got an ex that tried to force things to go further with me before and now I keep getting flashbacks of how scared I got when I was with him.

It feels like there's something wrong with me - my friends seem to find it so easy and can't really understand why I keep holding back with my new boyfriend.

I just don't know how to let go of those fears my ex seems to have instilled in me. I know my new boyfriend is nothing like him - but I'm still scared and I don't know what to do to stop being so tense.
i have had the same thing happen to me.- well the tenseness, not because i was forced into doing anything. my first boyfriend, we nearly did a couple of times, the first he got ahem nervous :wink: then the second time we tried i got nervous about the pain and couldnt do it as i tensed up when he tried and it hurt LOADS; we broke up shortly after, but not cos of that.
my second boyfriend i got that far with earlier this year, i really wanted to do it, but when it got to the point of doing it (putting condom on etc) i thought about the pain from last time and the same thing happened :frown:
i dont get it either my mates have had no trouble. i feel pressurized into having sex now cos im 19, had one yr at uni and everyone seems to have done it a zillion times(well im sure not everyone has but the majority have it seems) and i just want to stop being tense.
grr! sorry for the grumble. dunno if this helps reassure u ur not alone or not!
Reply 2
just dont think about it
if you're going to do it then u will know when your ready. when your lying down about to do it you wont be tense. forget about your misconceptions and that there might be pain. maybe the pain was just accentuated because you assumed it would hurt like hell. relax yourself and use some lube that will take away the pain (well it did for me!). dont get pressurised. people who do it with the "wrong person" will wish they waited but as long as what you've got is good then you're gonna have to loose it sometime and endure the pain cos it wont be painful forever. dont see it as an issue basically. if it happens it happens. play some music perhaps!
Reply 3
breath in, breath out
^Its not as easy as just 'forgetting about it' ,once you've had the pain once it is hard to stop worrying! It happened to me, I got all tense cos it was my first time and I'd heard stories..etc! But, get your boy to kiss you lots, and try try try to relax, and the usual dont feel pressured etc! Once you have built up the confidence to do it, it will get less stressful./painful each time.. hope that reassures a little bit :smile:
xxx
why do you need to have sex if your not comfortable with it? just take it slowly and make sure your the one in control. dont do the missionary, if your on top then you can stop at any point.
high priestess fnord
why do you need to have sex if your not comfortable with it? just take it slowly and make sure your the one in control. dont do the missionary, if your on top then you can stop at any point.


I agree exactly.