The Student Room Group

one night stand sex vs relationship sex

Pretty simple question: how different is sex in a relationship from sex in a one night stand (or indeed from 'casual sex', if there is such a thing)? I'm not asking which is better exactly, more, how do they differ? Have you ever found sex in one night stands to be intimate, or affectionate?

I ask because until very recently I'd only ever had sex with guys I'd been in long-term relationships with (all two of them). And recently, against all the principles I thought I had, I slept with someone on a first date. And indeed a second. So not exactly a one night stand, but I have no guarantee it's going anywhere and I don't know the guy all that well. I'd always imagined sex would feel very soulless and meaningless outside of a proper relationship. Except that it didn't, and now I'm...confused.

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Reply 1
It can be intimate, or it can just scratch an itch. It can occasionally even be bad (although as a man, 'bad' sex probably happens to me more rarely than to a woman)...

When you're having sex in a relationship, you're doing something completely different from when you're having sex with what is essentially a stranger, even though the physical actions are the same...
Reply 2
i've only ever had relationship sex with one boyfriend, and it is out of this world.
i could never have casual sex. my boyfriend and i slept together after a year and a half of being together (plus an extra 2 years of friendship before that) so i was amazingly comfortable.
if i had casual sex i'd feel cheap and dirty. plus usually i find with most friends i know (im not saying everyone) who have sex with a guy they barely know, the guy doesn't really treat them great after.
but who knows
Reply 3
hapa_girl
plus usually i find with most friends i know (im not saying everyone) who have sex with a guy they barely know, the guy doesn't really treat them great after.


Which is fair enough - I'm fairly certain they don't treat them very well either.

As long as you both know what the deal is, there's nothing wrong with casual sex. It scratches an itch, and is way more fun than getting hairy palms...
there was a thread on this last week i think.
I think this could probably be summed up by stating that relationship sex should be known as making love, whereas sex is all one night stand sex actually is.
Reply 6
Relationship sex with someone you're totally comfortable with is what leads to good sex. For example, most girls won't learn to orgasm through one night stand sex. It's also why people who go around having one night stand sex don't tend to enjoy sex that much, no matter how absurd that might sound.

One night stand sex is all about trying something naughty without having to think too much about it. It's enjoyable because of that, because it appears as totally spontaneous. The main difference is that you don't know the person and can't communicate the same way. Despite what some people believe, there's no secret recipe to be great in bed with everyone, the only way you do that is by communicating and being receptive to your partner's needs. If you just happen to just meet someone and just have sex, you can't have that. It's hard to do that with someone you've just met. You can definitely enjoy it, no question about that, sometimes you can even realise that there's an unexpected compatibility with this person but it will never be as good as it could be.

At the end of the day, one night stand sex is never what's going to help you have fantastic sex.

The main "technical" difference is that when you know someone really well in bed, are totally comfortable with them, there are millions of things that you can do, that you can't do with someone you've just met, who doesn't know what you like and whose likes you don't know.
yeah I had a one night stand once and it was so BAD. ugh it was the worst thing ever. yuck
Reply 8
Really? One night stands tend to be more passionate, I think. Relationships are very (at the risk of sounding "new age") spiritual, its very emotional. But ONSs I've found to be very passionate, though.
Simulatio
Really? One night stands tend to be more passionate, I think. Relationships are very (at the risk of sounding "new age") spiritual, its very emotional. But ONSs I've found to be very passionate, though.



I think I just had a really bad experience lol.
Reply 10
Simulatio
Really? One night stands tend to be more passionate, I think. Relationships are very (at the risk of sounding "new age") spiritual, its very emotional. But ONSs I've found to be very passionate, though.


It depends what you mean by "passionate". A lot of people are very uncomfortable opening up completely to someone physically and emotionally or haven't found the right person to do so, so to them, sex within a relationship might be awkward and something never that fantastic (although they are more likely to enjoy it physically, just through simple practice with their partner). While they're still stuck in that rut, well one night stand sex can be seen as a simple alternative, a way of ignoring the fact that they can't get close to someone and enjoy sex fully.
alasdair_R
As long as you both know what the deal is, there's nothing wrong with casual sex. It scratches an itch, and is way more fun than getting hairy palms...


Exactly casual sex isnt slutty or wrong it serves a purpose to sate for for a little while, If both people understand that its just sex nothing more then there should be no problem and you shouldnt feel used or cheap simply becasue you knew what you were getting into from the start. If you cant handle casual sex for whatever reason then simply dont do it.

Dan you can still "rut" in a relationship whilst making love is important so also is the quickie and the rip the clothes off and be dirty and filthy. and both can be equally as good. It depends on the mood of the couple. Though i do see where your coming from though.

hapa-girl, if you have no desire to sleep in a one night stand then thats completely up to you and no one should say your right or wrong for it. As for your friends well they do need to get thier heads straight. As i said if you cant handle meeting someone going home having sex then leaving in the moring then they really shouldnt do it. Especially if thier looking for more cos they always going to be disapointed
well it depends on how good in bed the other person is really whether they're in a relationship with you or not.
Sticky
Relationship sex with someone you're totally comfortable with is what leads to good sex. For example, most girls won't learn to orgasm through one night stand sex. It's also why people who go around having one night stand sex don't tend to enjoy sex that much, no matter how absurd that might sound.

One night stand sex is all about trying something naughty without having to think too much about it. It's enjoyable because of that, because it appears as totally spontaneous. The main difference is that you don't know the person and can't communicate the same way. Despite what some people believe, there's no secret recipe to be great in bed with everyone, the only way you do that is by communicating and being receptive to your partner's needs. If you just happen to just meet someone and just have sex, you can't have that. It's hard to do that with someone you've just met. You can definitely enjoy it, no question about that, sometimes you can even realise that there's an unexpected compatibility with this person but it will never be as good as it could be.

At the end of the day, one night stand sex is never what's going to help you have fantastic sex.

The main "technical" difference is that when you know someone really well in bed, are totally comfortable with them, there are millions of things that you can do, that you can't do with someone you've just met, who doesn't know what you like and whose likes you don't know.


Yes l agree thats so true.
Reply 14
egh. i would never have 'casual sex' as you describe it. i mean, where is the love? if you are with a partner, then you know each others likes and dislikes, whereas with a one nighter, things could be awkward and not too nice. so yeah.. that is one difference..
Again i agree with pumpkin i would never have casual or 1 night stands, i just see it as morally wrong, not just that usually 1 night stands or casual is all about just performance and not the love that goes with it
casual sex / one night stands are exactly what they say on the tin, its just a bit of fun, its exciting and racey(sp?) where as relationship sex is more special, its like who know eachother you can learn what each other likes tends to be more romantic dunno about anyone else but i found casual sex or one night stands are usually in out job done,,,,its fast exciting bit of fun, where in relationships i normally like to go slow make it last do an all nighter if needs be lol.....
Reply 17
One night stands don't have anything other than excitement.

Relationship sex; you can do whatever you like :hubba:
Reply 18
One night stand sex is dirty and sometimes a little awkward but sex is sex is sex and it's certainly better than no sex at all.
Reply 19
Yes, yes, yes, obviously I understand that relationship sex is almost certainly going to be better (in the end, at any rate), and that it's (generally) meaningful, secure, loving whereas casual sex is almost by definition none of those things. And, sure, it's not going to be good for you - in the sense of self-esteem, or feeling at ease with yourself - if you have a lot of casual sex; but that wasn't really what I was trying to get at.

I made the post because I'd always imagined there was a really stark distinction. I'd always thought sex outside of a relationship would be awkward, and sordid, and make me feel...cheap...you know? In the same way that I've always hated pulling random guys in clubs, because it all feels so meaningless and pointless. And maybe if you just pick someone up in a club that's true. But I didn't, on this occasion, find it that way, and I wondered if anyone else had found the same thing.

But then I think the posters who've said, the important thing in casual sex is that both of you know that that's all it is and don't expect anything else from it, have it about right. And that's what I was trying to get at, because I found myself in a situation which was, at face value, just sex, not in a relationship. But this was with a guy who had, earlier in the evening, been holding my hand across the table, and that seems to confuse the issue. And, well, I think I'm just way out of my depth here.

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