I keep thinking about cheating on my bf. So sexually frustrated!

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#1
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. I keep thinking about cheating on him. I've never cheated on anyone and I love him so much so it's not in an emotional sense. I am just sexually frustrated. Allow me to explain.

My boyfriend is asexual. I am not. In retrospect I should have probably left when I found this out (within the first six months), but then love happened and it gets harder. Plus, I didn't want to let sex ruin the relationship. I do believe that there is a lot more to a relationship than sex and I think it is a bit overrated, from my experiences in the past. That doesn't mean that I don't want it though. I'm 23 years old. He is 28. We have sex sometimes, but I have to ask him days in advance, and even then it's like sleeping with a mannequin whilst I use him. I get limited enjoyment because he looks like he hates it, and he's never 'finished' from it. I can count the amount of times we have had sex on two hands.

Apart from sex, stuff is limited. He isn't against everything sexual and likes foreplay, however only for himself. He doesn't do anything to me. Sometimes he will offer to touch me but I get nothing out of it because he doesn't enjoy that either. It's forced and to be honest he's not very good at it even though I give him tips.

We spent a fortune on counselling for a year. I know asexuality can't be 'fixed' but we thought it might make it better for him, or easier. After reading the AVEN forums (for people with asexuality/people in relationships) it seems a lot of them do have sex, so we wanted to work on that. I just want to clarify that he is certainly not gay and he is attracted to me. I know those two avenues look likely but I've considered both and I know they aren't true.

I even asked him if he would let me sleep with someone else so that I can be sexually satisfied. Some couples do that on AVEN. He said no, which didn't surprise me. I don't really want that either but I need something as I'm so frustrated.

I know most of the replies will probably just tell me to leave him. But I don't want to do that. I love him and I've always imagined a future with him in terms of marriage and kids (don't know how that will happen though...). I know he feels the same.

What can I do?

TLDR; asexual boyfriend who I love very much. Sexually frustrated.
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scrotgrot
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I'm sorry, but I am going to have to tell you to leave him - before you get any older. You're old enough to know love is a constructed reality and not an inevitable force of destiny. It will hurt for less time than you think. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? See the Peep Show wedding for further details

Sex is massive in a relationship, it's hardly the whole picture but it's a bloody big thing and our most powerful drive after basic survival. Are you going to spend the rest of your one shot at life denying yourself that?
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Over2you
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Instead of cheating, why don't you just leave? (like you've just said) seems incredibly selfish to me. I get irritated with the likes of people like you (guy/girl) who would rather cheat than leave their partners because it'll be hard to find another one. There is a guy out there who can both satisfy your sexual desires and relationship wants.

But yh, just leave. Seems like your both sexually incompatible. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't leave and still feel the same way in 10 years time. And you're young, even though you may not feel like it.
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Bagel93
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Leave.

I was going to initially suggest maybe a more open relationship but he said no. I can also understand that he's asexual (as much as someone who isnt can) but it sounds like he doesnt even try for you, surely he should want to make you happy? I dunno, but I have to admit I wouldn't stay with him.
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NathanW18
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know most of the replies will probably just tell me to leave him. But I don't want to do that.
Based on this, I struggle to understand why you posted this thread, then. What are you exactly expecting anybody to say? You have three options.

1. You put up with the sexual frustration.
2. Cheat on him.
3. Leave him.

You can take your pick. You don't need TSR to help you here.
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Mankytoes
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know most of the replies will probably just tell me to leave him. But I don't want to do that. I love him and I've always imagined a future with him in terms of marriage and kids (don't know how that will happen though...). I know he feels the same.

What can I do?

TLDR; asexual boyfriend who I love very much. Sexually frustrated.
Sorry, but love isn't enough, you have to have compatability as well, and you clearly don't have that. Your sex drive is actually going to be higher in ten years time. Sexual frustration is a horrible feeling, it will drive you mad staying loyal in this relationship without release. And if you cheat, you're going to feel horrible too.

The only answer for your long term happiness is to break up with him. It's the hardest option in the short term, but the best in the long term, for both of you, as the other options are either you resenting or humiliating him.
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Bassetts
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I'm starting to think I'm asexual. But I think the more likely reason is the extreme stress I'm under in my final year of uni which is killing my sex drive.

It's harsh but I think you should break up with him. Sex is important to most people and important in most relationships.
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lindopski
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What a very sad scenario, psychological issues can really ruin a beautiful relationship.
I can fully understand your love for this man and love is a very powerful thing no matter how many people diss it on here.
I also agree with some that your sex drive will increase in time, by the time I hit my 30s I was horny as absolute fck! then spent several years single and going crazy, you may find yourself in a similar situation if you stay with your man.

I don't think cheating is the answer, some people have threesomes or evenmoresomes to combat this but I dont know how healthy that is either.

I hate to say it but a clear break might be what you both need as he can find someone who doesn't like sex or is also asexual and you can find someone to satisfy your desires.

a very sorry scenario though and such a pity.
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joker12345
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You need to talk with him again, explain all this to him and ask him again about the possibility of something more open, if you want to stay with him that's your only option. Make it clear to him that you can't just remain sexually frustrated.
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Lamptastic
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If he really doesn't wish to compromise for you to have an open relationship then you will either need to accept the relationship as it is or leave him.

You could cheat but it will not make your relationship any easier with him. You will probably feel guilty and that will cause strain on your relationship anyhow. Open relationships can get very complicated also so I think the best option is for you to part ways.
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WednesdayAddams
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I have to agree with others on here and think your only option is leaving if you don't want to be unfaithful and can't cope with the frustration.

You might want a relationship that is about more than just sex, but like it or not sexual compatibility is a huge part of having a successful relationship. You wouldn't be on here posting about this if it wasn't.

I was in a similar but slightly different situation a few years ago. I was with a girl I loved very dearly and was very intellectually compatible with, but it took me 18 months of sexual confusion, (at one point me thinking I was suffering from sexual dysfunction) and then frustration to realise I wasn't attracted to her. I then spent 6 months trying to figure out a solution that wouldn't involve us breaking up, but discovered there just wasn't one. We briefly flirted with the idea of an open relationship (though we never agreed to it) and that resulted in her cheating on me and leaving me for that girl. It's not something I really blame her for much.
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PrincePauper
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. I keep thinking about cheating on him. I've never cheated on anyone and I love him so much so it's not in an emotional sense. I am just sexually frustrated. Allow me to explain.

My boyfriend is asexual. I am not. In retrospect I should have probably left when I found this out (within the first six months), but then love happened and it gets harder. Plus, I didn't want to let sex ruin the relationship. I do believe that there is a lot more to a relationship than sex and I think it is a bit overrated, from my experiences in the past. That doesn't mean that I don't want it though. I'm 23 years old. He is 28. We have sex sometimes, but I have to ask him days in advance, and even then it's like sleeping with a mannequin whilst I use him. I get limited enjoyment because he looks like he hates it, and he's never 'finished' from it. I can count the amount of times we have had sex on two hands.

Apart from sex, stuff is limited. He isn't against everything sexual and likes foreplay, however only for himself. He doesn't do anything to me. Sometimes he will offer to touch me but I get nothing out of it because he doesn't enjoy that either. It's forced and to be honest he's not very good at it even though I give him tips.

We spent a fortune on counselling for a year. I know asexuality can't be 'fixed' but we thought it might make it better for him, or easier. After reading the AVEN forums (for people with asexuality/people in relationships) it seems a lot of them do have sex, so we wanted to work on that. I just want to clarify that he is certainly not gay and he is attracted to me. I know those two avenues look likely but I've considered both and I know they aren't true.

I even asked him if he would let me sleep with someone else so that I can be sexually satisfied. Some couples do that on AVEN. He said no, which didn't surprise me. I don't really want that either but I need something as I'm so frustrated.

I know most of the replies will probably just tell me to leave him. But I don't want to do that. I love him and I've always imagined a future with him in terms of marriage and kids (don't know how that will happen though...). I know he feels the same.

What can I do?

TLDR; asexual boyfriend who I love very much. Sexually frustrated.
Looks like you just have a good friendship there.

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x-pixie-x
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Just leave if it's too much. Cheating once won't be enough, you'll do it over and over to be satisfied and it wouldn't be fair on him.
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Ggmu!
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Leave and let me fix your frustration.

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MrDystopia
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You don't have much of a choice other than leaving or putting up with him.
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Tootles
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. I keep thinking about cheating on him. I've never cheated on anyone and I love him so much so it's not in an emotional sense. I am just sexually frustrated. Allow me to explain.

My boyfriend is asexual. I am not. In retrospect I should have probably left when I found this out (within the first six months), but then love happened and it gets harder. Plus, I didn't want to let sex ruin the relationship. I do believe that there is a lot more to a relationship than sex and I think it is a bit overrated, from my experiences in the past. That doesn't mean that I don't want it though. I'm 23 years old. He is 28. We have sex sometimes, but I have to ask him days in advance, and even then it's like sleeping with a mannequin whilst I use him. I get limited enjoyment because he looks like he hates it, and he's never 'finished' from it. I can count the amount of times we have had sex on two hands.

Apart from sex, stuff is limited. He isn't against everything sexual and likes foreplay, however only for himself. He doesn't do anything to me. Sometimes he will offer to touch me but I get nothing out of it because he doesn't enjoy that either. It's forced and to be honest he's not very good at it even though I give him tips.

We spent a fortune on counselling for a year. I know asexuality can't be 'fixed' but we thought it might make it better for him, or easier. After reading the AVEN forums (for people with asexuality/people in relationships) it seems a lot of them do have sex, so we wanted to work on that. I just want to clarify that he is certainly not gay and he is attracted to me. I know those two avenues look likely but I've considered both and I know they aren't true.

I even asked him if he would let me sleep with someone else so that I can be sexually satisfied. Some couples do that on AVEN. He said no, which didn't surprise me. I don't really want that either but I need something as I'm so frustrated.

I know most of the replies will probably just tell me to leave him. But I don't want to do that. I love him and I've always imagined a future with him in terms of marriage and kids (don't know how that will happen though...). I know he feels the same.

What can I do?

TLDR; asexual boyfriend who I love very much. Sexually frustrated.
I can understand him saying no, but to be fair he sounds like a bit of an ass. He knows you have needs, and he's being mechanical and unloving, at least in that respect, and willfully neglecting those needs.

I'd suggest more masturbation, though I've been told by a few people - women in particular - that if you're frustrated it just makes it worse, and that goes for me at times too. Not only that, but you've probably tried every variation you can think of anyway, ha.
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AJ2027
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You guys keep on saying cheating is an option.

How is it cheating if you are not in a sexual relationship; I'm sorry but the way "cheating" is purported in media, there as to be a relationship to cheat on.

Now if he won't share you but wont make love to you either you need to DTR and decide if you can be happier elsewhere.

If you relegate him to the friendzone... that should have no effect on him if he really is asexual.

That said, you may find a little jealousy could improve things (you need to be prepared to loose him though, and not be bothered by any attempt he might make at revenge, though if he cared enough to do that, why cant he satisfy you now).

If you take the friendzone route, because he has said he wont allow another to satisfy you; Have you considered asking him if you could do something with a girl-friend.

There is no reason you cannot have the future you desire, though I do think you should cease all sexual activity and sever that aspect of your relationship (except for conception).

A few people have said he sounds like an ass, the only thing I can agree on is if he won't accept you being with someone else while he cannot, or will not do it himself. It really sounds loose loose.

It sounds like a very complicated situation, and if the counselling hasnt revealed core issues - if you're willing to share, I doubt anyone here can offer you a solution. You need to ask yourself if you're happy, and if not, why?

I personally would be perfectly happy in a sexless close heterosexual relationship with someone I was attracted too, however I would never allow that person's happiness to be compromised because I find the concept of 2 out of 3 of the types of penetrative sex disgusting.

Plus, I didn't want to let sex ruin the relationship. I do believe that there is a lot more to a relationship than sex and I think it is a bit overrated, from my experiences in the past.
Agree completely, however mutual happiness is more important still.


If I had to make a suggestion as close to the people crying leave as possible, I would say look for someone to have a same sex experience with. You never know, he might find that appealing.




TLDR, Why would he not allow you to be satisfied by another person (person, not man.)
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Studentus-anonymous
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Dump.

Asexuality aside, you're clearly incompatible.

Plus he sounds like a negligent ass.
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Nell90
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#19
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You should break up. Its unfair on the both of you staying together, you want a sexual relationship, he doesnt.
For those of you saying he should compromise, its like saying that your partner should sleep with the same/opposite sex (depending whether youre straight/gay/etc) Its a sexuality not something you turn on and off just to pee partners off.
Its probably as equally frustrating for the op's boyfriend as it is her, she isnt enjoying the sex when it happens because its mechanical, her bf wont be enjoying it because he's asexual.

Honestly op, if he isnt open for an open relationship, then you should split up, this is coming from another asexual.
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Antifazian
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Unless you're both up for an open relationship, sounds like you're going to have to leave - you're far too young to limit your life like this, and you deserve to be with someone you can also have a physical relationship with if that's what you want.

I empathise, sounds like a crap situation to be in. All the best, whatever happens.
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