Boyfriend never compliments me anymore. Issue level?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#1
I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does. Boyfriend and I have been together nearly a year - when we first met he was always complimenting me. Even after the initial six months, if we were going out I'd wear a new dress and he'd tell me I was stunning, couldn't keep his hands off me etc.

I've not had one compliment from him since last year. It doesn't bother me on a day to day basis - but if we're going to a big party together or a big event, I'd like him to notice when I'm dressed to the nines. Sometimes I'll buy a sexy new set of underwear just for our weekend together and he won't even blink. In the end I had a proper talk with him about it (as I realised how much I didn't feel like having sex with him lately as well and was sure it was linked) and he apologised - said he was speechless when we first met etc. I told him how much a nice compliment would be appreciated every so often. And yes - I compliment him, but he is not very good at accepting them!

The very next night after speaking to him about this we were going to a kind of black tie event together. I had this gorgeous new dress on and again he didn't say a word, even when other people were saying complimentary things right in front of him. I was so disappointed considering I had just talked to him about it. Also we both took that love languages test and 'words of affirmation' come out top for me and it comes last for him! I've told him twice how I feel and now feel it's really affecting the way I feel about him. What more can I do?
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Anonymous #2
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Exact same and it sucks. I want appreciation from him not other people. I bought lovely underwear and sent pics of me wearing them - not appreciative despite at the start him loving it.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 6 years ago
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(Original post by skd1996)
I know how you're feeling, having the exact same problem with my boyfriend, and we've been together for the same length of time.

I'm not sure there's much more you can do other than telling him how it makes you feel- even again if you have to! As you've been together so long he may have got used to you (in the nicest way) and the best way to make him realise what's right under his nose is by keeping it from him. Make him realise what he's got.

There's not much you can do, but he's not going to realise unless you speak to him.
Urg. Sorry to hear you ladies are having a similar problem - it makes me think "are all guys like this after a time?". If so, it's really disappointing Is this as good as it gets? The problem is that I have spoken to him and don't want to keep repeating myself.

Guys I'd like to hear from you! What say you on this matter? Do you compliment your girlfriends?
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Mankytoes
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Urg. Sorry to hear you ladies are having a similar problem - it makes me think "are all guys like this after a time?". If so, it's really disappointing Is this as good as it gets? The problem is that I have spoken to him and don't want to keep repeating myself.

Guys I'd like to hear from you! What say you on this matter? Do you compliment your girlfriends?
Do you compliment him much? Guys like this sort of thing too. Maybe he just feels like these things go unspoken now? My girlfriend doesn't compliment me much, but I feel she shows affection better in other ways.

I think I'm still pretty good for compliments. I'm bad with haircuts and new clothes, because I'm really inattentive and I often won't notice, but I compliment her looks a lot, but that's more because I find her crazy attractive, I don't think "oh, I'd better compliment her now", it just flows naturally. We've been together three years, though we are long distance, so maybe not seeing each other as much makes people more conscious.

If you've said it to him and he hasn't changed, he probably isn't really going to. I guess you have to decide if that's too big of a problem. I mean no one is perfect, and this doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I might be better at compliments, but I can be pretty bad at communication.
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SuperDuperNoob
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Is he the "bad boy" types?
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bsod
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#6
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I'm a guy who has lost out in these kind if situations in the past. The main advice I can give is just to be absolutely clear about how important this is to you and that he needs to change. Tell him you want him to be noticing these things and not other people. Also say if he doesn't notice these things and other people do, then it's only a matter of time that you will grow apart.

Sometimes you can get engrossed and forget about the simple things and I'm sure if he's anything like me he probably doesn't realise it's a big deal for you.
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Birkenhead
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I don't mean to come across as too insensitive, but Jesus Christ, grow up! Do you not see how needy it is to be expecting compliments and 'words of affirmation' whenever you're wearing new clothes or attending a social event? Surely it's enough of a lasting testament to his opinion of you and your value in his eyes that he's made himself exclusive to you? The poor ******* probably has good intentions but it's not his fault he's not made of candy floss. If the fact that your boyfriend isn't complimenting you enough is really causing distress in you perhaps it would be better not to try to get him to compliment you more often but to raise your self-esteem so that you aren't requiring a life-time's supply of 'affirmations'.
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RedArrow
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Grow up ladies. The elusive yearning for a useless ego-boost from a partner of +1 year is only detrimental to your "relationship". You don't want it nor need it.
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Wick3d
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(Original post by Birkenhead)
I don't mean to come across as too insensitive, but Jesus Christ, grow up! Do you not see how needy it is to be expecting compliments and 'words of affirmation' whenever you're wearing new clothes or attending a social event? Surely it's enough of a lasting testament to his opinion of you and your value in his eyes that he's made himself exclusive to you? The poor ******* probably has good intentions but it's not his fault he's not made of candy floss. If the fact that your boyfriend isn't complimenting you enough is really causing distress in you perhaps it would be better not to try to get him to compliment you more often but to raise your self-esteem so that you aren't requiring a life-time's supply of 'affirmations'.
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Advanced Subsidiary
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(Original post by Birkenhead)
I don't mean to come across as too insensitive, but Jesus Christ, grow up! Do you not see how needy it is to be expecting compliments and 'words of affirmation' whenever you're wearing new clothes or attending a social event? Surely it's enough of a lasting testament to his opinion of you and your value in his eyes that he's made himself exclusive to you? The poor ******* probably has good intentions but it's not his fault he's not made of candy floss. If the fact that your boyfriend isn't complimenting you enough is really causing distress in you perhaps it would be better not to try to get him to compliment you more often but to raise your self-esteem so that you aren't requiring a life-time's supply of 'affirmations'.
This

(Original post by RedArrow)
Grow up ladies. The elusive yearning for a useless ego-boost from a partner of +1 year is only detrimental to your "relationship". You don't want it nor need it.
This
(Original post by Wick3d)
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and... this!

Common people, I really don't see what the big deal is. Compliments can be provided in other ways besides what we hear. Does he still find you physically attractive? That is a compliment. Does he value you as a person and what you stand for? That is also a compliment. As said above, the fact that he's in an exclusive relationship with you shows that he only wants to be with you. Verbal compliments don't make a relationship stronger or better in any way. There is usually an underlying problem with one or both parties that is causing this 'dispute'.

I'm not sure, do you not feel good enough about yourselves unless you're verbally validated by your boyfriend, everytime you put on a new dress?
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Lotus_Eater
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Being kind and supportive to our partners is not negotiable in my book. Compliments are something decent and friendly people pay each other, especially at functions where a considerable effort has gone into our appearance.

It's a tough old world out there and our partner ought to be the one person we can rely on for reassurance. The messages in the media about weight, appearance, fitness etc. are enough to get anyone down and to be told that we can still inspire excitement and admiration in those we love is genuinely uplifting.

A few people have charitably described the OP's boyfriend as devoted but inarticulate. I'm not so sure. Sounds like he's just taking her for granted.

People: relationships aren't just about showing up; they are also about what we do when we're there. To everyone rating up comments that are telling the OP to grow-up then I wish you 'good luck'. Because when all the good women are in relationships with men who love and appreciate them (and vice versa), you might regret expecting such self-reliance in your now happily-settled ex.
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Simonion
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(Original post by Lotus_Eater)
Being kind and supportive to our partners is not negotiable in my book. Compliments are something decent and friendly people pay each other, especially at functions where a considerable effort has gone into our appearance.

It's a tough old world out there and our partner ought to be the one person we can rely on for reassurance. The messages in the media about weight, appearance, fitness etc. are enough to get anyone down and to be told that we can still inspire excitement and admiration in those we love is genuinely uplifting.

A few people have charitably described the OP's boyfriend as devoted but inarticulate. I'm not so sure. Sounds like he's just taking her for granted.

People: relationships aren't just about showing up; they are also about what we do when we're there. To everyone rating up comments that are telling the OP to grow-up then I wish you 'good luck'. Because when all the good women are in relationships with men who love and appreciate them (and vice versa), you might regret expecting such self-reliance in your now happily-settled ex.
Yup.

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 6 years ago
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(Original post by Lotus_Eater)
Being kind and supportive to our partners is not negotiable in my book. Compliments are something decent and friendly people pay each other, especially at functions where a considerable effort has gone into our appearance.

It's a tough old world out there and our partner ought to be the one person we can rely on for reassurance. The messages in the media about weight, appearance, fitness etc. are enough to get anyone down and to be told that we can still inspire excitement and admiration in those we love is genuinely uplifting.

A few people have charitably described the OP's boyfriend as devoted but inarticulate. I'm not so sure. Sounds like he's just taking her for granted.

People: relationships aren't just about showing up; they are also about what we do when we're there. To everyone rating up comments that are telling the OP to grow-up then I wish you 'good luck'. Because when all the good women are in relationships with men who love and appreciate them (and vice versa), you might regret expecting such self-reliance in your now happily-settled ex.
He is one of the most articulate men that I know He is just taking me for granted - also might be worth noting that he has never been a really long-term relationship and I've been in a few. One relationship ended for me three years in because of feelings of being taken for granted.

The thing is he has lots of good qualities but once comfortable doesn't seem to think an effort is needed anymore. It makes me feel starved of that type of affection and it may seem insignificant but it matters to me.
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EatMyJunk
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Lotus_Eater
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It makes me feel starved of that type of affection and it may seem insignificant but it matters to me.
That's the heart of it: whether other people think you are right to care about this is irrelevant. You do care about it, so if he wants to be with you, he has to as well.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable - the fact is, if he can't change now, he is unlikely to transform in the future. I hope you can change the dynamic between you, but if not there's no shame in walking away. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
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Mankytoes
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He is one of the most articulate men that I know He is just taking me for granted - also might be worth noting that he has never been a really long-term relationship and I've been in a few. One relationship ended for me three years in because of feelings of being taken for granted.

The thing is he has lots of good qualities but once comfortable doesn't seem to think an effort is needed anymore. It makes me feel starved of that type of affection and it may seem insignificant but it matters to me.
I notice you didn't answer my question before- do you compliment him often? Or do you think that it's the man's job?
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Tom_green_day
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Guys I'd like to hear from you! What say you on this matter? Do you compliment your girlfriends?
If you complement someone too much they get used to it and it doesn't mean anything.
If you're boyfriend complimented you now, it'd be a big deal, right?
That's the point. Your BF wants complements to be important things, not just par for the course.
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Pride
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(Original post by Lotus_Eater)
That's the heart of it: whether other people think you are right to care about this is irrelevant. You do care about it, so if he wants to be with you, he has to as well.
Well that isn't the only option. There are 2 main options: either he stats complimenting more, or she changes herself, so that she no longer feels the need for validation from her boyfriend.

That's not the only option. They could even do a mixture of both.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable - the fact is, if he can't change now, he is unlikely to transform in the future. I hope you can change the dynamic between you, but if not there's no shame in walking away. Life's too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
Hmm. I don't think we can be certain she isn't appreciated. It's the continuous expression of appreciation that's lacking. He struggles to take compliments. Maybe he's reluctant to give them out, because when they're directed to him, they make him feel awkward.
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Advanced Subsidiary
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#19
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(Original post by Lotus_Eater)
Being kind and supportive to our partners is not negotiable in my book. Compliments are something decent and friendly people pay each other, especially at functions where a considerable effort has gone into our appearance.

It's a tough old world out there and our partner ought to be the one person we can rely on for reassurance. The messages in the media about weight, appearance, fitness etc. are enough to get anyone down and to be told that we can still inspire excitement and admiration in those we love is genuinely uplifting.

A few people have charitably described the OP's boyfriend as devoted but inarticulate. I'm not so sure. Sounds like he's just taking her for granted.

People: relationships aren't just about showing up; they are also about what we do when we're there. To everyone rating up comments that are telling the OP to grow-up then I wish you 'good luck'. Because when all the good women are in relationships with men who love and appreciate them (and vice versa), you might regret expecting such self-reliance in your now happily-settled ex.
Well yes, but I won't compliment someone for the sake of complimenting them. If it doesn't fall naturally and I don't genuinely believe in what I'm telling my partner, what is the point of me saying it?

I also don't understand how not complimenting someone, equates to taking them for granted. In what form is the OP's boyfriend, taking her for granted? Maybe I'm wrong on this, and could probably look at this in a different angle.

Because 'loving' and 'appreciating' your partner is not possible through any other means than speech? It is widely noted that 70-93% of our communication is non-verbal. Thus the happiness and health of our relationships depend more on our actions, rather than our words.
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xDave-
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Well, it doesn't look like he's going to start doing it if you spoke to him about it and he didn't do anything, so I guess you'll just have to dump him? Seems pretty ridiculous to do that imo, but if he's not going to give you what you want then you'll have to move on?

FYI, I don't think anyone will ever compliment you forever. I imagine in all relationships it gets to a point where they just stop doing it. So you're going to be dumping a lot of people if that's how it goes for you.
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