Boyfriend never compliments me anymore. Issue level?

He is one of the most articulate men that I know He is just taking me for granted - also might be worth noting that he has never been a really long-term relationship and I've been in a few. One relationship ended for me three years in because of feelings of being taken for granted.

The thing is he has lots of good qualities but once comfortable doesn't seem to think an effort is needed anymore. It makes me feel starved of that type of affection and it may seem insignificant but it matters to me.

Hmm. I don't think we can be certain she isn't appreciated. It's the continuous expression of appreciation that's lacking. He struggles to take compliments. Maybe he's reluctant to give them out, because when they're directed to him, they make him feel awkward.

Because 'loving' and 'appreciating' your partner is not possible through any other means than speech? It is widely noted that 70-93% of our communication is non-verbal. Thus the happiness and health of our relationships depend more on our actions, rather than our words.

I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does. Boyfriend and I have been together nearly a year - when we first met he was always complimenting me. Even after the initial six months, if we were going out I'd wear a new dress and he'd tell me I was stunning, couldn't keep his hands off me etc.

I've not had one compliment from him since last year. It doesn't bother me on a day to day basis - but if we're going to a big party together or a big event, I'd like him to notice when I'm dressed to the nines. Sometimes I'll buy a sexy new set of underwear just for our weekend together and he won't even blink. In the end I had a proper talk with him about it (as I realised how much I didn't feel like having sex with him lately as well and was sure it was linked) and he apologised - said he was speechless when we first met etc. I told him how much a nice compliment would be appreciated every so often. And yes - I compliment him, but he is not very good at accepting them!

The very next night after speaking to him about this we were going to a kind of black tie event together. I had this gorgeous new dress on and again he didn't say a word, even when other people were saying complimentary things right in front of him. I was so disappointed considering I had just talked to him about it. Also we both took that love languages test and 'words of affirmation' come out top for me and it comes last for him! I've told him twice how I feel and now feel it's really affecting the way I feel about him. What more can I do?

I don't mean to come across as too insensitive, but Jesus Christ, grow up! Do you not see how needy it is to be expecting compliments and 'words of affirmation' whenever you're wearing new clothes or attending a social event? Surely it's enough of a lasting testament to his opinion of you and your value in his eyes that he's made himself exclusive to you? The poor bastard probably has good intentions but it's not his fault he's not made of candy floss. If the fact that your boyfriend isn't complimenting you enough is really causing distress in you perhaps it would be better not to try to get him to compliment you more often but to raise your self-esteem so that you aren't requiring a life-time's supply of 'affirmations'.

Well yes, but I won't compliment someone for the sake of complimenting them. If it doesn't fall naturally and I don't genuinely believe in what I'm telling my partner, what is the point of me saying it?

I also don't understand how not complimenting someone, equates to taking them for granted. In what form is the OP's boyfriend, taking her for granted? Maybe I'm wrong on this, and could probably look at this in a different angle.

Because 'loving' and 'appreciating' your partner is not possible through any other means than speech? It is widely noted that 70-93% of our communication is non-verbal. Thus the happiness and health of our relationships depend more on our actions, rather than our words.

I don't understand why so many people are replying so negatively.
Yes, you may find it 'childish' if someone wants compliments from their significant other- but other people don't, it is the OP's decision if she feels like she wants more or less compliments.

It's not a case of being insecure. It's a case of being in a long term relationship- and both sides get comfortable and forget to do little affectionate things. It is ok to ask your partner to be more affectionate if you feel like they have been lacking recently- both males and females.

It's more childish to sit in silence being worried/angry at the lack of affection than being an adult and actually communicating about it.

Urg. Sorry to hear you ladies are having a similar problem - it makes me think "are all guys like this after a time?". If so, it's really disappointing Is this as good as it gets? The problem is that I have spoken to him and don't want to keep repeating myself.

Guys I'd like to hear from you! What say you on this matter? Do you compliment your girlfriends?

Well the OP said he complimented her all the time when they started dating. So it isn't that he's can't do it, it's that he won't. Maybe he feel she's no longer worthy of compliments but I doubt she'd change so much and he'd still want to be with her.



I agree that actions speak louder than words. But when the words have all dried up then probably the action has too.

Whatever people say about non-verbal communication, most of the best and upsetting things that have ever happened to us involve speech.

It's all moot anyway: as the OP says, it matters to her. Most desires we have in relationships aren't rational but that doesn't mean we shouldn't expect their satisfaction.

It's not a case of OP expecting compliments for the sake of it.

Her boyfriend used to compliment her and now he doesn't, it's a change in his behaviour that she doesn't understand. I'm sure she can deal without the compliments, but feeling like her boyfriend no longer finds her as attractive as she once was and is bored of her is hard to get over.

It seems you've done a lot of the right things so far OP. Buying extra sexy clothes, having a talk with him but he's just not getting the idea. There's very little left that you haven't tried so it's hard for me to offer anything other than more of the same and considering breaking things off with him if he fails to respond. It seems he feels like he doesn't have to make an effort anymore.

Can someone please explain to me how not complimenting your partner equates to feeling like you no longer have to make an effort? I'm quite surprised that people are suggesting the OP should dump her boyfriend simply because he no longer compliments her. These expectations that people have for eachother is what is truly detrimental to relationships in the 21st Century.

If she feels like her boyfriend finds her unattractive and is bored with her, all she needs to do is ask. Sometimes I just feel like we complain about the littlest things in our relationships just to make noise.

It's just nice to be appreciated is it not?

It's the same in all areas of life, not just relationships.

If I work overtime, putting in extra effort at work and I get no thanks or positive comments for it at some point I am going to quit my job and go somewhere these efforts are appreciated.

That doesn't mean I'm worried that I'm bad at my job, it means I know I'm good at my job and feel the person I work for should appreciate when I do more than they expected

I know it mattes to her, but why does that matter? It's kind of insecure. She could just get over it, and not expect verbal validation every time she makes an effort for her boyfriend.

Or she could leave him and find a man who gives her what she wants.

For me, it matters that my partners finds me funny, shares my musical tastes, gets on with my friends, respects my academic work, and so on. If she didn't, for instance, find me funny then yes I suppose I could 'get over it', but why should I?

What this thread has shown is that some people cannot understand why compliments should matter. Others cannot understand why the OP's boyfriend won't compliment her. I suggest this is a bit like trying to get socialists and capitalists to understand each other's viewpoints i.e. it's never going to happen.

It's not a case of OP expecting compliments for the sake of it.

Her boyfriend used to compliment her and now he doesn't, it's a change in his behaviour that she doesn't understand. I'm sure she can deal without the compliments, but feeling like her boyfriend no longer finds her as attractive as she once was and is bored of her is hard to get over.

It seems you've done a lot of the right things so far OP. Buying extra sexy clothes, having a talk with him but he's just not getting the idea. There's very little left that you haven't tried so it's hard for me to offer anything other than more of the same and considering breaking things off with him if he fails to respond. It seems he feels like he doesn't have to make an effort anymore.

But what if you just aren't as funny as you think you are...?

I think I'd personally get over it, if we connected on all other levels, but humour. Share my musical taste? - oh my goodness, that's so trivial. But hey...

Yes, of course she could just leave him. I just think that perhaps it's worth considering that we may be the problem if we need regular verbal compliments. Just wanting to be in the relationship with her could be a compliment in itself. There are also other ways to be affectionate. I would understand the OP if her boyfriend was often disinterested, because that's a sign of him no longer making an effort in the relationship. That might be the case. But to explicitly need verbal compliments? Hmm... they eventually lose meaning if you say them frequently. Not to mention, occasionally, you just might not like your partner's fashion choices - I don't necessarily think that's a dumpable 'offence'... Just a difference in opinion.

Well, possibly, but what's that actually saying? If he's prepared to date us that's one long inexhaustible compliment? Wow, he must be some sort of catch that his mere presence is a tribute to us.

Imagine this was a sex problem. Just because someone is prepared to have sex doesn't mean that they are good at it, or that their partner is fulfilled by it. Likewise, this guy shows up to the relationship but he doesn't do anything fulfilling once he's there.

Just because it seems trivial to you doesn't mean it actually is. You universalise your own preferences and deal breakers and hold that up as the gold standard of reasonableness. Obviously if there was an all-encompassing commonly-agreed set of criteria by which relationships survived then dating wouldn't be so difficult.

What this thread should have also shown is that wanting a partner who compliments us is a common preference. By all means suppose it ridiculous, but just be wary that to a lot of people it isn't and that the advice to leave someone who doesn't verbally support their partner is not outlandish.

Ok well I accept your point... I think the sex problem is trivial as well in a loving relationship, but like you say, there is no universally agreed criteria. I still can't help to think the music thing is trivial.

'I'm sorry, I like heavy metal, but because you only like pop rock, we can't be together. This is a deal breaker...'