People who 'let themselves go' when they get in a relationship...

Why? Was the only reason they paid any attention to their looks because they wanted to pull?

I'll never understand why girls allow themselves to get out of shape when they get a boyfriend then moan when he doesn't show interest in sex or cheats. Likewise to men.

It's just lazy.

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Reply 1

hihoho

I have never understood this too - maybe it stems due to a lack of respect / passion / ambition?

Reply 2

Bible

Well maybe now that someone is in what they believe to be a loving, caring relationship they don't feel like they'll be constantly judged on their appearance? Maybe the fact that they now have some form of stability allows them to escape from the imminent pressures society forces on them to look good? Maybe they feel so comfortable with that person that they don't feel the need to go to great lengths to look good, because they feel like that person doesn't judge them based solely on their physical appearance and sex appeal?

Just throwing it out there. Not everything is about looks, and there's a lot of factors that go into people's lives that change the way they behave. I know a girl who gave up running twice a week so she could spend time with her boyfriend because he lived the town over and she didn't get to see him often.

Reply 3

LavenderBlueSky88

Original post by Bible

But most people don't exercise purely because they are worried about their looks. What about the health side, or just keeping fit. Besides, isn't it a bit selfish to not want to look good for a significant other anyway?

Reply 4

Bible

Original post by LavenderBlueSky88

Uh, yes, most people DO exercise purely because they're worried about their looks. Have you seen all the weight watchers adverts? The rising percentages of eating disorders? The massive health craze that's grabbed the entire western world?

It's not selfish, however, what IS selfish is wanting your partner to always look their best just so you can find them sexually appealing.

Reply 5

LavenderBlueSky88

Original post by Bible

I don't think it's selfish to want to find a partner physically attractive. It's a two way thing, I think both should continue to make an effort.

Reply 6

Bible

Original post by LavenderBlueSky88

I don't think it's selfish to want to find a partner physically attractive. It's a two way thing, I think both should continue to make an effort.

No, it's not selfish to want a attractive partner (and I just realise now I didn't actually elaborate, sorry about this) - what I meant to say was that's selfish to pressure a partner, who you are already with, to maintain their physical attractiveness etc. relationships fundamentally don't need to be about physical appearance, and the line between a healthy relationship and an abusive relationship start to blur when you're openly unhappy about your partners looks and want them to change. I get some relationships are shallow and just about sex, but I think to call someone who makes a lifestyle choice to no longer maintain what others deem as attractive is wrong. People have a freedom to express themselves how they want, and infringing on that is nobodies right, unless that person's health is in critical condition.

Ultimately, I don't believe anyone needs to maintain certain physical expectations just because it's seen as attractive. If you don't find someone attractive outside of their looks, make sure that it's a mutual thing and that it IS a purely physical relationship. Relationships have emotional levels as well that cannot be dismissed purely because someone's looks have changed.

Personally, I don't feel like I need to look a certain way for anyone. And if I stopped wearing makeup after getting a boyfriend, boo hoo to anyone who cares and he can certainly take a long walk off a pier if he thinks he has the right to tell me what to do with my own body.

Reply 7

Standard Procedure

I let myself go once as I could only see this girl on the three days that I worked out. Monday I used to do gym, , Thursdays running and Saturday football.

Think i put on a stone :biggrin:

I have since resumed all those activities and have lost it again!

Reply 8

emilyyou

It annoys me that this discussion even exists. If a couple are happy and content with both themselves and their relationship, why do other people feel the need to discuss their appearance and lifestyle choices?

Reply 9

awe

My partner eats badly, sometimes, and does put on weight. I definitely like my food, too, and because I eat with him it means I have put on some weight as well. So there's that. I'm always trying to eat healthily and I do more exercise than him, and certainly did both more before him, but he drags me down... but I'm not complaining! :P I don't mind his chub (as it is) and he certainly seems to enjoy mine, so the issue of it hindering sex at all reaaally isn't a worry haha. Yes, there is a line, but when you're in a loving relationship one outside person's idea of 'letting go' isn't the same as yours.

As for other things, I do rely a bit on dry shampoo sometimes when I'm at his, and have nicked his deodorant in the morning, or gone without makeup etc, if that all counts as 'letting go' which I suppose in your eyes it would. It's hard living in two places, especially when I end up staying at his spontaneously; I won't have all my bits and bobs. So it's either 'let myself go' for the day, or I go home... I'd rather play games and spoon tbh. Again; quite the opposite of hindering sex haha, really does enable it...

Non-anecdotally, let's just pretend I've said whatever Bible is saying. Also, people who cheat, don't cheat because someone has 'let themselves go'. They cheat because they are a cheater. They can't put the blame for that on anyone.

Reply 10

manchesterunited15

Anyone who cheats because their partner has let them self go is disgusting

Reply 11

hattiemcbinky

I think that really differs from person to person, some people for some reason stop trying to look nice as soon as they bag their partner, or will stop acting as loving/sweet. Yes I do feel that you should be able to be comfortable enough to have no makeup on/slob clothes on around them, but also make the effort to look nice (whether you're male or female). Gotta keep the flame lit!

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Reply 12

Mankytoes

Original post by Bible

You can express yourself how you want, but you have the right to leave someone you don't find physically attractive. If I covered myself in tattoos, my girlfriend might leave me. Of course it's my right to get tattoos, but no one should be with someone they don't find physically attractive. I don't think that's shallow at all. I wouldn't be with someone I don't find mentally attractive either- but both are necessary. If you only connect with someone emotionally, that's a friendship. #

I think people like to spread this idea that because you care about appearance that means you must not care about the emotional side. Honestly, all the girls I've ever really liked have been attractive. Not like supermodels or anything, but conventionally above average, and certainly prettier than most to me. The emotional side is linked with the physical.

Reply 13

cinnamon&cheese

Most people I know actually put more effort into their appearance when they get into a relationship... more gym, more pampering time and more time getting ready!

Original post by manchesterunited15

Anyone who cheats because their partner has let them self go is disgusting

I agree with the cheating part, but that's disgusting regardless of any excuse the cheater may have. But a partner letting themselves go to a horrific extent is a valid reason for problems in a relationship. Bad health can lead to alot of personality changes at the same time. Would you want to date someone who was active and happy before and who has now become lazy and unmotivated, the latter would affect their personality in the same way.

Reply 14

joker12345

Do you dress more nicely when you go out to meet other people than when you're at home with your family? The same applies here, you get comfortable so worry less about making an effort and go for comfort/whatever you like instead.

Reply 15

S1elyak1

I've started making more of an effort now we're together.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 16

username418231

I don't understand this either.

If I was in a relationship I think I would make more of an effort.

Reply 17

Viva Emptiness

It's typical behaviour in a long-term relationship. Your attraction is now way more than just skin-deep and you feel like you can get away with not doing your make up or wearing nice clothes all the time.

It's sad because the other person probably doesn't mind but it can breed an insidious change of dynamic in your relationship - one where the other feels taken for granted or not worth making an effort for.

Reply 18

Rum Ham

My boyfriend let himself go once we moved in together and yeah now he is fat and has a lot more facial fuzz but tbh it has never bothered me (other than obviously excess weight can be bad for your health) because looks weren't the number one aspect of our relationship. As long as he is still nice to me, loves me and remains loyal, I couldn't give a toss about how he looks as long as he is happy with himself.

I wouldn't say before he let himself go he made much of an effort to look good. He was thin at that point because he was always walking miles to see me at my mum's and he wore the same sort of things as he does now. Its not like he went from dressing smartly and working out at the gym to being what he is now.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 19

DeceitfulDove

It fluctuates. I've been in a relationship for 9 years. obviously over that time my weight has fluctuated up and down several times, my look has changed, my habits have changed, I don't get up in the morning and put make up on for the sole purpose of looking nice for my boyfriend. If we aren't leaving in the house, I'll stay ratty haired and blotchy faced all day. After 9 years I think it would be a bit ridiculous to make an effort everyday for one's other half.

I think most people would tend to make more of an effort for the first however long of the relationship, but after year 3...