Help with personal statement (4 a PE course but general help needed!)

Here is my personal statement so far, im making a late application for the forthcoming September so i have been unable to get much help from my tutor, Do you think this is any good? is it long enough?

A keen interest in keeping fit and healthy combined with my enthusiasm for A-Level PE has confirmed my interest in Studying Health and Sports studies at degree level. Having picked a variety of courses I have found both sport and psychology the most enjoyable and interesting and I see myself in a vocation related to either subject in the future.
After going into education from school and picking a course that I found I was not enthusiastic towards, I later came back to college after a year of various full time occupations and found my ‘niche’ I have always been a sporty person who has enjoyed participating in physical activity, since leaving school I have been a member at the local gym and I have recently revived my football career.

From a young age I have been interested in playing a variety of sports. I represented my secondary school in football cricket and athletics, playing in every school football game throughout secondary school and appearing at Don Valley in the schools championship for two years. My football career also spanned the local youth side where I played from the under nine’s team to the under seventeen’s, collecting a few players player of the year awards and a clubman award along the way. The peak of my achievements was earning trials for Barnsley Football Club at the age of thirteen.

My work experience is very broad due to a variety of positions I have held in differentiating working environments. From these I have taken many different skills which have enabled me to work and study effectively by adapting the skills learnt in the workplace such as time management and meeting deadlines. I have met a lot of ‘wise’ if not ‘interesting’ people along the way who I have learnt valuable lessons from.

During my time at college I was a founder member of a Young Enterprise company and held the position of sales director. This gave me the opportunity to gain a real insight into the workings of a successful company. Being a team player was of the utmost importance and critical to the success of the company, a skill which we learnt fast. Presentation skills were also key, as the company was judged on a number of presentations. This experience has taught me adaptability and developed my skills of public speaking and diplomacy.

I see myself as a well rounded mature student who knows the importance of a good education and has the will and determination to come out with a good grade at degree level.

Thank in advance for the help.

Reply 1

Geogger

I have tried to add a few things and amended others (I tried using italics to help you see my bits but I think it won't paste properly) Its a bit short - can you put in a bit more about your subject areas for A levels and how they might help with your course?

A keen interest in keeping fit and healthy combined with my enthusiasm for A-Level PE has confirmed my interest in Studying Health and Sports studies at degree level. Having picked a variety of courses for A level, I have found both sport and psychology the most enjoyable and interesting and I see myself in a vocation related to either subject in the future.
After going into (do you mean FE here?)education from school and picking a course that I found I was not enthusiastic towards, I later came back to college after a year of various full time occupations and found my ‘niche’ I have always been a sporty person who has enjoyed participating in physical activity, since leaving school I have been a member at the local gym and I have recently revived my football career.
Instead of the above paragraph, how about… My initial choice of courses in Further education did not provide me with the enthusiasm and interest I now find for Health and Sport related subjects. The year away from Further Education provided me with the perspective I needed and the opportunity to develop my true interests. I have always been a keen sportsman who has enjoyed participating in physical activities…(this now leads nicely into the next parag)
From a young age(an early age) I have been interested in playing a variety of sports. I represented my secondary school in football cricket and athletics, playing in every school football game throughout secondary school and appearing at Don Valley in the schools championship for two years. My football career also spanned the local youth side where I played from the under nine’s team to the under seventeen’s, collecting a few(several sounds better or the actual number if you can remember it) players player of the year awards and a clubman award along the way. The peak of my achievements was earning trials for Barnsley Football Club at the age of thirteen.(Don’t suggest that you are now over your peak! Perhaps phrase it so that… A major achievement for me was….)

My work experience is very broad due to a variety of positions I have held in differentiating(very different) working environments. From these I have taken many different skills which have enabled me to work and study effectively by adapting the skills learnt in the workplace such as time management and meeting deadlines. Give examples of these or situations in which you were able to use such skills effectivelyI have met a lot of ‘wise’ if not ‘interesting’ people along the way who I have learnt valuable lessons from. (from whom I have learned many valuable lessons)

During my time at college I was a founder member of a Young Enterprise company and held the position of sales director. This gave me the opportunity to gain a real insight into the workings of a successful company. Being a team player was of the utmost importance and critical to the success of the company, a skill which we learnt fast. Presentation skills were also key, as the company was judged on a number of presentations. This experience has taught me adaptability and developed my skills of public speaking and diplomacy.

I feel that I have much to gain from a degree in Health and Sports Studies but I am eager to contribute fully to the life of the university and to the department. I see myself as a well rounded mature student who knows the importance of a good education and who has the will and determination to come out with a good grade at degree level.

Reply 2

Carlb

Thanks alot for your help, much apprieciated.

Reply 3

Geogger

Carlb

Thanks alot for your help, much apprieciated.

You're welcome! pm me with your later versions if you want!

Reply 4

Carlb

From these I have taken many different skills which have enabled me to work and study effectively by adapting the skills learnt in the workplace such as time management and meeting deadlines.

what can i do with this sentence?! it doesnt seem to read right. :confused:

Reply 5

Geogger

Carlb

The workplace emphasise many skills such as time management and adherence to deadlines.I found these useful both then and now as very pertinent to my academic studies.

Reply 6

Carlb

thanks once again. :smile:

Reply 7

blissy

I personally wouldn't use the phrase "team player". I would use "part of a team" or "learnt to work in a team" or "learnt how to balance the needs of the individual with those of the team" or something, anything but "team player". It just smacks of Big Brother and reality TV in general (i.e. too colloquial for this piece of formal writing)! :smile:

Reply 8

Carlb

cheers for your help, ive received my conditional place now!