My social anxiety is ruining my relationship

All of our problems centre around how I'm not always that keen to spend time with his friends, how I'm not spontaneous enough and how I find it hard to initiate conversation with his friends/family.
I suffer from quite bad social anxiety which I've tried to explain. In groups I'm fine because I'll just sit back and let others do the talking, but one on one I'm terrible. I get so nervous trying to think of things to say and end up not saying anything at all. My boyfriend always picks up on it, he even once said I need to practice having conversations because I clearly have no idea how to have one. I just find it hurtful he can't understand my predicament. I want to be outgoing and chatty with his friends but it's so hard, so to avoid his scrutiny I tend to cancel plans and avoid socialising with them... Which has led to even more problems. Help!

Reply 1

SuperDuperNoob

Improve yourself. Leave your bf, but don't blame HIM. It's not his fault you're like this

Reply 2

Deepthinker_

I'm the same, it's a real struggle sometimes. I think that if you try and meet more people by going out more or joining clubs, you'll get more confident... That's what I've been told anyway

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 3

Kagutsuchi

Original post by Throwaway221

There's nothing wrong with being socially awkward/anxious. Sure, social settings would be more comfortable if you weren't so, but that's neither here nor there. If you were 3 feet taller, you could more aptly imitate a helicopter - hardly important.

You're just who you are. There's nothing wrong with that. You know what you're comfortable with and uncomfortable with, and that's fine. Tell your boyfriend you find it extremely difficult to socialise with his friends and try your best to make him understand that everyone is different in how they approach and deal with things.

If he persists, tell him Kagutsuchi from TSR says "you're a narrow-minded idiot who should learn to appreciate people, especially those you are fond of, for who they are."

By the way, my girlfriend is exactly as you described yourself. She's socially awkward around my friends and doesn't speak about anything while they're around. I've discussed this with her too. She tells me she finds it really hard to talk with them, and that she feels as if she's from a different lifestyle to them.

So I know where your boyfriend is coming from. He wants you to be friends with his friends - it'd make him happier. Even though my girlfriend finds it uncomfortable, she tries her best to hang around with my friends. :smile:

Please try to do your best for your boyfriend also.

Original post by SuperDuperNoob

Improve yourself. Leave your bf, but don't blame HIM. It's not his fault you're like this

This is such a knee-jerk reaction that I'm surprised your leg didn't fly off.

Improve in order to become able to socialise with anybody? Socialising isn't everyone's cup of tea. Of course, it can be learned, but it's hardly "improving" - more like "acquiring a skill".

What would leaving the boyfriend solve? Nothing.

You make it sound like the OP is at fault. The OP isn't at fault at all.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 4

thatrollingstone

We all have weaknesses and deficiencies in different parts of our brains. Just because your brain wiring and chemicals have naturally oriented themselves in such a way to form these cognitive characteristics doesn't mean there's anything particularly wrong with you. People give themselves FAR too much credit for how sociable or confident they are. They have absolutely NO understanding of what goes on in other people's minds and thoughts, and hence they dwell in this incredibly self centred and narcissistic state where their perspective seems to be the only plausible one. Their logic; if socialising is easy for me, it must be equally easy for others too.

It's always weaknesses that are attributed to social communication that seem the most apparent, because socialising forms a very core part of our lives. Having said this, you can still try and improve yourself. It sounds like a large part of your problem is due to introversion, which naturally means you won't be as inclined to engage in idle chitchat as your boyfriend or his peers, which is perfectly normal, but otherwise, you can try out stuff like cognitive behavioural therapy, visit your GP to referred to a therapist. You can also try online CBT (type in mood gym into google).

In all honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is a douche, and is making no effort to understand you. Perhaps it's a question of you two not being compatible. I wouldn't behave in this way had I an introverted, socially 'awkward' girlfriend.

My social anxiety is ruining my relationship

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