Past domestic difficulties affecting future relationships...

Please take this seriously, I apologise for the anonymity but a few of my friends are on TSR too and know my identity :redface:

I'll keep this short, I've had a difficult few years a home, I don't think details are really necessary but to give you an idea, I found out my mum was having an affair, when dad found out... cue restraining orders, police cells and social services interfering. Not an easy time but I thought I coped well, I was more concerned with protecting my younger sisters who took it really badly and being the idiot I am, bottled up all my own feelings and put on a smile everyday. At the time I would have said this was my way of coping and just trying to get on with life, a levels, hobbies, work etc... and encouraged my family to open up to me- I frequently sat through the night listening to my dad speak of his worries... having not even confided in my best friend myself. Looking back on it now (circa 9 months later) I'd say this method of "coping" just reveals how insecure I actually was and all I did was run away from my own feelings.
So that's the past... it's taken me a long time to forgive my mum but I have. The expression forgive but never forget I think is appropriate here. Having put the whole affair (broader sense of word) behind me it's just occasionally something will remind me of the hurt and betrayal I felt but I can usually pick myself back up, tell myself not to be stupid and wallow in self-pity, it's all in the past now.
But now I'm beginning to develop feelings for people that I shouldn't and that I can't quite explain, or am ashamed of admitting perhaps, I don't know so this is why I'm turning to you.
Having not had a very supportive or particularly motherly mother I'm finding myself with feelings for older woman. Nothing sexual or disturbing, but just wanting them to talk with me, hug me and be close to them; this one family friend in particular who I feel really ashamed to admit I really "like".
Just recently we went to a party at her house and everyone got really drunk and I ended up being the last one there, my (now divorced) parents having left earlier. We were both completely wrecked and ended up kissing. (She lives alone). At the time she was crying and saying it must be difficult awaiting my results etc as they didn't quite go to plan, and then it just happened. However I woke up the next morning and remembered everything that happened, and I'm praying she hasn't, but I think she has.... I don't know.
I now feel utterly stupid and regret it but a part of me still craves that closeness and attention. Which is what really scares me. I keep thinking back to it and have such a weird feeling in my chest, it's like a physical pain rather than just in my mind... if that makes sense at all.
I'm convinced I'm not gay as am attracted to men and have no sexual attraction for any females at all. I have just started seeing a guy who I really like and the future looks quite promising there... but I don't want to **** it up with my head playing mind games.
I don't really know how you can help but I suppose it feels better for getting that off my chest... my head is so screwed up at the moment. Is this a common result of a childhood such as mine? I feel so ashamed I honestly can't talk to anyone about this. Please if you have any advice it would be gratefully received.

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